John Oliver Quotes

I would hate to meet myself at 15.

I watch one news channel until my soul can't take it anymore. It's the background of my life.

Stand-up, for me, is really more of an addiction, so you have to feed the beast whenever you can.

Anybody who claims to be excited for April Fools' Day is probably a sociopath.

The poverty line is like the age of consent: if you find yourself parsing exactly where it is, you've probably already done something very, very wrong.

I can't relax. I find vacations problematic.

It is going to be too easy for things to start feeling normal - especially if you are someone who is not directly impacted by his actions.
So keep reminding yourself:
This is not normal.
Write it on a Post-It note and stick it on your refrigerator, hire a skywriter once a month, tattoo it on your ass.
Because a Klan-backed misogynist internet troll is going to be delivering the next State of the Union address.
And that is not normal.
It is fucked up.

As any Brit will understand, things get a little easier when you don't have to be number one any more. Really, the fall of an empire is not as bad as everyone thinks. It's like retirement. People fear retirement, but it can turn out be rather pleasant.

Armando Iannucci is one of my heroes. As I was growing up, he was probably the most influential comic voice that I had.

If you've been here, in New York, it has been dominated by the UN General Assembly, the annual event where delegates come from all over the world to f*** up this city's traffic.

There's never any time I think I'm a real journalist, because I don't have any of the qualifications or the intentions for that.

It was probably years before I was confident enough in stand-up that I was able to talk about the things I wanted to talk about, the way I wanted to talk about them.

I have a green card now, but they can take that away, yeah, they can take that away at any moment. So please don't; please let me keep it.

People are always going to say stupid things, and you're always going to be able to make jokes about that, but it should be the last thing you add in, because it's the easiest thing.

Ads are baked into content like chocolate chips into a cookie. Except, it's actually more like raisins into a cookie because no one [expletive] wants them there.

You have to do stand-up quite a long time before you learn how to do it well.

I feel more at home knowing I'm not really at home. It takes all the pressure off you trying to fit in!

It's pretty physically unsettling, living life on a visa.

The German language is so sonorous, isn't it? Beautiful language ... the language of poetry. Angry, angry poetry.

I guess the tone of jokes is often, at best, irreverent, but it always comes from a place of deep love.

Welcome to The Daily Show, I'm John Oliver. Jon Stewart is still not here. He is currently living out a live-action Lord of the Rings role-playing experience deep in the New Zealand wilderness.

There is an inherent hope and positive drive to New Yorkers.

Politics has become infused with narcissism in America.

Australia turns out to be a sensational place, albeit one of the most comfortably racist places I've ever been in. They've really settled into their intolerance like an old resentful slipper.

Economics is like the Dutch language - I'm told it makes sense, but I have my doubts.

Southern people are bigger-hearted and kinder than I had any right to expect.

My first 'Daily Show' piece was pretending I had this terrible immigrant journey, so I went to talk to an immigration lawyer who would help out people, and I ran into him in Penn Station about three months after I'd gotten the green card. I said, 'I got my green card yesterday.' And he hugged me because he understood that level of relief.

The disconnect between America and its military is shocking.

I'm not really much of an actor, so when I started on 'The Daily Show,' I was just trying to adopt the faux authority of a newsperson. Having a British accent definitely gave me a sonic leg up on that because there is a faux authority to the British accent in and of itself.

Congress never loses its capacity to disappoint you.

I know I'd be an absolutely horrendous politician.

If you're asking me, would I have voted for Mitt Romney, the answer is absolutely not. Emphatically not. I cannot envision a world in which I would have voted for Mitt Romney unless I sustained a massive concussion.

I get nostalgic for British negativity. There is an inherent hope and positive drive to New Yorkers. When you go back to Britain, everybody is just running everything down. It's like whatever the opposite of a hug is.

I would never heckle someone. That's why I think I'm so interested in someone that would.

I have occasionally - if ever I do interviews that are difficult or nerve-wracking - I take my wife's dog tags and have them in my pocket because it's a very quick way to realize that what I'm doing is not that important. It's not really worth getting stressed about because it's not, you know, war.

I don't think I'm identified as the anchorman, I think I'm identified as the impostor anchorman - there's a very clear line there ... I don't think it changes the way they respond.

Do you know how hard it is to kill 30 million people? It's a logistical nightmare.

You just try to be true to your idea of what is funny and what is also interesting.

Veterans' issues are quite close to my heart. I find it quite hard to talk about, actually.

You can write jokes at any point of the day. Jokes are not that hard to write, or they shouldn't be when it is literally your job.

Drumpf is like a Magic 8-Ball. Every time you shake him, he gives you a different answer.

I've made so many people angry that they kind of blur into one unpleasant memory of people staring at you with somewhere between passive aggression and active aggression.

Sometimes it's good to remember how bad food can be, so you can enjoy the concept of flavour to the fullest.

People in Britain see Richard Quest as a kind of an offensive cartoon character.

I have exactly as much rhythm as you think I have.

British people would die for their right to drink themselves to death

Here in America, people come out to see what they've known you to do. In England, it's like everyone comes out to tell you exactly how well they think you're doing.

I was definitely prepared for it to be slower, and it has not worked out that way in any shape or form. I'm grateful as a comedian, and slightly demoralized, occasionally, as a human being - those two things are always very different.

Florida, just because you're shaped like some combination of a gun and a d*ck doesn't mean you have to act that way.

When you're dealing with serious subjects, there is a pressure to be absolutely sure that you know what you're doing.

There are some people who watch NASCAR for the highly skilled driving - but most people watch it for the crashes.

In improv, the whole thing is that it is a relationship between the two people, as a back and forth. In standup, you don't really want to be listening to what somebody is saying; you want to project your jokes into their face.

I think being an outsider in general always helps you in comedy. I think it helps to have an outsider's eye. And so I have an outsider's voice. You know, as soon as I start talking, I don't belong here. And I think that helps in a way.

Congratulations, Congress! 77% disapproval rating! You may be about to become the English language's most offensive C-word.

You're sonically racist, Americans. You think we all sound the same, whereas I have definitely a mongrel accent.

Americans just don't understand dry wit.

We invented words; we'll tell you how they're supposed to sound.

There are so many low points with stand-up. You are perpetually humiliated, so it doesn't really matter anymore. I don't have any dignity left to lose. An audience can't hurt you anymore when you've been completely dismantled.

If you want to do something evil, put it inside something boring. Apple could put the entire text of "Mein Kampf" inside the iTunes user agreement, and you'd just go agree, agree, agree - what? - agree, agree.

I do one accent - my own. I can make it louder or quieter. That is the sum total of my vocal range. I thought I could do an American accent until I tried it in front of an American - the expression of horror is still burnt onto my retinas.

The moment I accept that there's an artistic, redeeming quality in puns, I have a horrible feeling I'll get hooked.

I think deep down, this planet yearns for the days of the British Empire again. They long once more to be treated that badly, that politely. We did far worse things than you can possibly dream of, but we did it with that certainly gentlemanly swagger ... Dreadfully sorry, but we seem to have crushed your entire continent's infrastructure. Allow me to make it up to you by offering you a job 4,000 miles away. No, no, I insist.

My family are from Liverpool, so I have some twang there - I have a Midlands accent, and I was raised about an hour north of London, so my voice is a mess. Although, to American ears, it sounds like the crisp language of a queen's butler.

When you've married someone who's been at war, there is nothing you can do that compares to that level of selflessness and bravery.

You don't really know when stand-up material is TV ready; it's just at what point you're willing to let it go and not work on it anymore. I'm not sure there is a point at which you think: 'And that is finished.'

It really helps a comedian to be an outsider.

I did sketch comedy, but I never did improv. So I've just tried to learn as I go.

When you do stand-up, you're just concerned with trying to leave with some semblance of human dignity at the end of your performance.

I really love stand-up. I'm more than happy to do it for nothing. I've come to America to do it for nothing. It's the American Dream: Work for free.

Mr. President, no one is saying you broke any laws, we're just saying it's a little bit weird you didn't have to.

It's a great time to be doing political satire when the world is on a knife edge.

It's exciting to have a role in anything that's Claymation, just because you're always intrigued by what a clay wizard version of yourself would be.

Campaign ads are the backbone of American democracy if American democracy suffered a gigantic spinal injury.

The British media is sinking down, as the American news media has lowered the bar for all of humanity. British news media is definitely trying to stoop down to that level. Everyone is stooping to the lowest common denominator.

Most stand-ups, once they have done it, think of it as their default job. I'm pretty sure Jon Stewart still feels that way now. You are a stand-up first; other things come and go.

Pumpkin spice lattes are egg nog for morning people.

I'm always interested in audience interaction. Not so much aggressive audience interaction - I'm genuinely interested in how people see things.

I've said yes to everything that Jon Stewart has asked me to do. That's been a pretty good career decision, I think.

One thing that America is objectively exceptional at is overreacting whenever anyone accuses them of not being exceptional.

I think Americans still can't help but respond to the natural authority of this voice. Deep down they long to be told what to do by a British accent. That's why so many infomercials have British people.

I do not want to leave in [U.S.] ... I cannot make that clear enough to immigration authorities who may be listening to this interview. I don't want to leave, so please don't make me.

The Confederate flag is one of those things that should only be seen on t-shirts, belt buckles and bumper stickers to help the rest of us identify the worst people in the world.

Having a human conversation is not something I've had any training in either as a comedian or as, you know, a human being.

Whatever the occasion, [the Queen] has a face which demonstrably says 'I don't give a royal s**t.'

I would much rather America was a more stable, wonderful place. You know, I love it.

There is no greater anesthetic than sport.

If you work on a comedy show, your basic form of communication is teasing. That's generally how we speak to each other: you communicate the information between the lines of insulting sentences.

I think the best analogy for where we are right now is that America is Elvis Presley
the most beautiful, talented, rebellious nation in the history of Earth. And now, you're in your Vegas years. You've squeezed yourself into a white jumpsuit, you're wheezing your way through 'Love Me Tender' and you might be about to pass away bloated on the toilet. But you're still the King.

I'm British, so obviously I repress any powerful emotions of any kind in relation to anything.

People, I guess, generally come to see me do stand-up with a working knowledge of my broad sense of humor on 'The Daily Show' ... I don't think anyone would mistake me as an actual anchor.

I knew I was going to go into the field and make fun of people to their faces. I knew what I was getting into.

You know that things are not going well when you lose the moral high ground to a TMZ reporter,

If I wanted to take a more activist or journalistic slant in work, I should probably just go be an activist or a journalist. But I'm happy being a comedian.

Attending a Sarah Palin rally was simultaneously one of the strangest and most chilling events of my life.

A Southern accent is not a club in my bag.