Politics Funny Quotes

Politics would be a helluva good business if it weren't for the goddamned people. ~ Richard M. Nixon

I deserve respect for the things I did not do. ~ Dan Quayle

Politicians ... talk in generalities and lies, and I think they've caused all our grief. They're so awful, they're really funny. I hate thinking this because my dad loved politics. ~ Paul Lynde

Americans have different ways of saying things. They say 'elevator', we say 'lift' ... they say 'President', we say 'stupid psychopathic git. ~ Alexei Sayle

I stand by all the misstatements that I've made. ~ Dan Quayle

I would have voted against the Civil Rights Act of 1964. ~ Ronald Reagan

Unfortunately, the people of Louisiana are not racists. ~ Dan Quayle

Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is in the Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island that is right here. ~ Dan Quayle

People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history. ~ George W. Bush

A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country. ~ Mary Louise Cecilia "Texas" Guinan

Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it. ~ Dan Quayle

A tree's a tree. How many more do you need to look at? ~ Ronald Reagan

I don't like money actually, but it quiets the nerves. ~ Joe E. Lewis

It's silly talking about how many years we will have to spend in the jungles of Vietnam when we could pave the whole country and put parking stripes on it and still be home by Christmas. ~ Ronald Reagan

Clinton's pet Labrador, Buddy, is getting neutered. The dog will never have sex again. Overnight, they've turned Buddy from a Democrat into a Republican. ~ Jay Leno

I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change. ~ Dan Quayle

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting. ~ Ronald Reagan

Because Vietnam was not a declared war, the veterans are not even eligible for the G. I. Bill of Rights with respect to education or anything. ~ Ronald Reagan

This ball was so crowded that it took me - a trained professional journalist with vast experience in this area - forty five minutes to get a beer. ~ Dave Barry

I simply argue that the cross be raised again,
at the centre of the marketplace
as well as on the steeple of the church.
I am recovering the claim that
Jesus was not crucified
in a cathedral between two candles
but on a cross between two thieves;
on a town garbage heap;
at a crossroad of politics so cosmopolitan
that they had to write His title
in Hebrew and in Latin and in Greek …
and at the kind of place
where cynics talk smut,
and thieves curse, and soldiers gamble.
Because that is where He died,
And that is what He died about.
And that is where Christ's own ought to be,
And that is what church people ought to be about. ~ George Macleod

It is labour indeed that puts the difference on everything. ~ John Locke

She loved their funny stiff dancing, listening to their incomprehensible and guttural tongue, and watching their simple gestures, natural behavior and childlike eagerness for life. ~ Erik Larson

Endure for another day, Mister Tannen, and you'll have all the foul black misuse of water you can drink. ~ Scott Lynch

In the void, there is no distinction of east and west."
Gwen blinked slightly at that. "I know all of those words, and yet when strung together like that I have no idea what they mean. ~ Jim Butcher

You'd put yourself in a play and get to know the system and learn how to be directed, and then you could be a director. So, I've just always done it. It was always a hobby. The funny thing was that when I started to get paid to do it as a professional job, I lost my hobby. I don't know what to do. I have to take up something else now. ~ David Oakes

When I was done raking and bagging, I banged on the door and demanded entry /...let me in by the hair on your chinny, chin-chin/ (a fairytale moment there) Dick opened it and in his posthest voice, said that before he could possibly consider letting me re-cross the threshold he needed to ask me whether I was a good f*cking fairy or a bad f*cking fairy? Grinning, I told him that I was very wicked fairy and if he had a wand about his person that I could have lend of, I would prove it. He said that was the right answer and promptly yanked me inside where he located and presented me with his wand, breathily ordering the sorcerer's apprentice to perform magic with it. Judging by the look on his face afterwards, I knew I'd impressed him with my oral sorcery and I was more than happy with the short-lifting sorcery Shane performed on me as the same time. ~ Gillibran Brown

Opening acts are hard, really hard. There's more politics involved than music, sometimes. ~ Kaki King

The mind wants to live forever, or to learn a very good reason why not. The mind wants the world to return its love, or its awareness ... The mind's sidekick, however, will settle for two eggs over easy. The dear, stupid body is easily satisfied as a spaniel. And, incredibly, the simple spaniel can lure the brawling mind to its dish. It is everlastingly funny that the proud, metaphysically ambitious mind will hush if you give it an egg. ~ Annie Dillard

Funny sky,' he said, squinting up at the thick-bellied white clouds and the sun shining so hot on them but not breaking through.
'It feels as if there should be a storm,' I said 'but it was like this at haymaking and the weather never properly broke then.'
'If I was at sea I should run for a port,' Ralph said. He was looking towards the horizon where there was a yellow tinge to the sky over the top of the downs. ~ Philippa Gregory

My friend has hand soap that smells like coconut. It's nice. Unless your hands are dirty from coconuts. ~ Demetri Martin

Speaker Ryan, who voted for the $1.1 trillion 2016 Omnibus Spending Bill, demanding Trump show him his conservative credentials is as though a guy who never built a thing were to mock a man who has built lots of things. ~ Ilana Mercer

Politics is still the man's game. The women are allowed to do the chores, the dirty work, and now and then
but only occasionally
one is present at some secret conference or other. But it's not the rule. They can go out and get the vote, if they can and will; they can collect money, they can be grateful for being permitted to work. But that is all. ~ Mary Roberts Rinehart

The prime function of the children's book writer is to write a book that is so absorbing, exciting, funny, fast and beautiful that the child will fall in love with it. And that first love affair between the young child and the young book will lead hopefully to other loves for other books and when that happens the battle is probably won. The child will have found a crock of gold. He will also have gained something that will help to carry him most marvelously through the tangles of his later years.
Roald Dahl ~ Roald Dahl

I will probably have sex with Eminem after the show is over. Probably, I dont see why I wouldnt. Im fair game, its not like Im that picky, youve seen the guys Ive dated. I like Swizz Beatz, just because I would like to yell out in bed, Swizz Beatz! Keep it coming! ~ Chelsea Handler

The Church being what she is cannot have the instincts of a gentleman. ~ George Everett Macdonald

Here's a very good rule of thumb in politics: losing begets losing. ~ John Podhoretz

Just because you talk about it or advocate for one position doesn't mean you care more. Just because someone doesn't talk about it and advocates a different position doesn't mean they care less. ~ Donna Lynn Hope

The Constitution is like my old blue dress ... it doesn't fit anymore. ~ Ellen Tauscher

With the birth of the Internet, Clinton's critics began chronicling his
scandals - which were entirely ignored by the reliable mainstream press -
and even came up with a colorful term to describe the untidy truth that an
inordinate number of those connected to Bill or his wife, Hilary Rodham
Clinton, had met unnatural deaths - the Clinton Body Count. ~ Donald Jeffries

Valkyrie: Do we have a plan?
Skulduggery: WE need to get the Grotesquery away from the bad guys, so we'll have to split up I'm going to leave, you're going to go hide under the van, wait until they load the Grotesquery in there, and then you're going to drive off under their noses
Valkyrie: What?
Skulduggery: It'll be really funny trust me ~ Derek Landy

As neoliberalism wages war on public goods and the very idea of a public, including citizenship beyond membership, it dramatically thins public life without killing politics. Struggles remain over power, hegemonic values, resources, and future trajectories. This persistence of politics amid the destruction of public life and especially educated public life, combined with the marketization of the political sphere, is part of what makes contemporary politics peculiarly unappealing and toxic - full of ranting and posturing, emptied of intellectual seriousness, pandering to an uneducated and manipulable electorate and a celebrity-and-scandal-hungry corporate media. Neoliberalism generates a condition of politics absent democratic institutions that would support a democratic public and all that such a public represents at its best: informed passion, respectful deliberation, aspirational sovereignty, sharp containment of powers that would overrule or undermine it. ~ Wendy Brown

An anarcho-capitalist is someone who agrees that the best way to eliminate the tragedy of the commons is to privatize it away, and realizes that state politics is the mother of all such tragedies. ~ Jakub Bozydar Wisniewski

Oh please," Scout said."Don't take that tone with me. You know you'd love to have a minion. Someone at your beck and call. Someone to do your bidding. How many times have you said to yourself," Self, I need a unicorn to run errands and such? ~ Chloe Neill

When a person dies and no one will miss them, the mourning is assigned to a random human. This is why you sometimes just feel sad. ~ Night Vale Podcast

The way the system now works, credit is extended to those who don't need it and denied to those who are in desperate need of it. ~ Louis O. Kelso

Texas has a lot of electrical votes. [During an election campaign, after George Bush stated that Texas was important to the election] ~ Yogi Berra

The mental pictures I have of my parents and grandparents and my childhood are beginning to break up into small fragments and get blown away from me into empty space, and the same wind is sucking me toward it ever so gently, so gently as not even to raise a hair on my head (though the truth is that there are very few of them to be raised). I'm starting to take the idea of death as the end of life somewhat harder than before. I used to wonder why people seemed to think that life is tragic or sad. Isn't it also comic and funny? And beyond all that, isn't it amazing and marvelous? Yes, but only if you have it. And I am starting not to have it. The pictures are disintegrating, as if their molecules were saying, "I've had enough," ready to go somewhere else and form a new configuration. They betray us, those molecules, we who have loved them. They treat us like dirt. ~ Ron Padget

Certainly they did not pretend to be sleepy, they were sleepy; and that was a danger, for the moment they popped off, down they fell. The awful thing was that Peter found this funny. "There he goes again!" he would cry gleefully as Michael suddenly dropped like a stone. ~ J.M. Barrie

Art
the fresh feeling, new harmony, the transforming magic which by means of myth brings back the scattered distracted soul from its modern chaos
art, not politics, is the remedy. ~ Saul Bellow

When I was a kid I would write songs, little plays, and poetry in school. If you're an adult and you're a poet, it's all about love and pain, but if you're a kid it's, "Does anyone know a word that rhymes with shark?" ~ Mike Birbiglia

In love, women are professionals, men are amateurs ~ Francois Truffaut

Although as a sailor I despised politics - for I loved my sailor's life and still love it today - conditions forced me to take up a definite attitude towards political problems. ~ Fritz Sauckel

Isn't that what we come into politics for? To say to people: 'You can do it, too - there is a chance to serve your community. There is a chance to shape it co-operatively and democratically, without fear or favour.' And that is what I tried to do. ~ Joan Kirner

I think I have done well, though I am abandoned, with the curse of Cain upon me. ~ John Wilkes Booth

'Which is stronger, politics or love?' is like asking, 'Which is stronger, exhaling or inhaling?' They are two sides of the same thing. ~ Mohsin Hamid

And it was this location that provides my second memory. (It must come after the first because in it I am now standing up.) I was bitten by a rabbit. Or rather, I was nibbled by a rabbit, but, because I was such a weedy, namby-pamby little pansy, I reacted as though I'd lost a limb. It was the sheer unfairness of it all that so upset me. One minute, I was saying, 'Hello, Mr Bunny!' and smiling at its sweet little face and funny floppy ears. The next, the fucker savaged me. It seemed so gratuitous. What, I asked myself, had I done to the rabbit to deserve this psychotic response? ~ John Cleese

You know the trouble with real life? There's no danger music. ~ Jim Carrey

Too often in the post-9/11 world, when the time has come to translate the moral, and essentially progressive, roots of foreign policy idealism into plans for American action, liberals have said, 'Duck. ~ Richard Just

I certainly want to be involved in politics and help shape the transition. I am in contact with regime critics who had to leave for the West. One of them is Mikhail Khodorkovsky, the former businessman, who had to endure 10 years in a prison camp. ~ Garry Kasparov

The policemen agreed they were living with a most peculiar fellow. One moment he was reading classical literature in the original French and quoting Tennyson, and the next he would be discussing the best way to blow up a train. ~ Ben Macintyre

People get burned out in big families, you can even see it in the naming of children. Like the first kid, "You were named after Grandma." The seventh kid, "You were named after a sandwich I had. Now get your brother, Reuben." ~ Jim Gaffigan

Life is about means not ends. There is no utopia to be gained, there is no end-state that is static and eternal, once accomplished. This was one of the great lies of communism. Likewise, capitalism offers the great deception that thanks to its machinations everyone will be richer in the future, thus justifying gross inequality and humiliation today. ~ Carne Ross

Pseudoscience often relies on a witches' brew of scientific terms (e.g. "wavelength," "energy fields," "vibrations") half-baked into simplistic metaphors that do not correspond with testable reality. In some cases, pseudoscience simply relies on language that is deliberately vague and poorly defined to deceive. While outright lunacy is almost always easy to spot, the most dangerous of pseudoscientific meanderings are those filled with scientific terminology that, even for experts, can initially be daunting and impressive. Upon dissection, however, the terminology is invariably found to be misused, or used in a context far from accepted understanding. However convincing and artful, however much we may even wish the conclusions to be true, monuments built in such shifting sands cannot withstand the inevitable tests of time. ~ K. Lee Lerner

It's interesting with my blog, because it feels to me less like a blog and more like a forum, because my readers are so funny and leave hysterical comments. And I'm not being humble when I say that very often, the comments are so much better than the post originally was. ~ Jenny Lawson

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving. ~ Steven Wright