Funny Politician Quotes

I have a deep and profound mistrust of all politicians. ~ Craig Ferguson

A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country. ~ Mary Louise Cecilia "Texas" Guinan

I'm a politician, and as you know, politicians are rarely very funny. ~ Nicola Sturgeon

Hope drives us to invent new fixes for old messes, which in turn create ever more dangerous messes. Hope elects the politician with the biggest empty promise; and as any stockbroker or lottery seller knows, most of us will take a slim hope over prudent and predictable frugality. Hope, like greed, fuels the engine of capitalism. ~ Margaret Atwood

A real politician, and these were real politicians, never betrays his country to an outsider. He betrays it to himself. He is the enemy within. ~ Guy Endore

Americans are funny people: first you shock them, then they put you in a museum. ~ Mick Jagger

Office of itself does much to equalize politicians. It by no means brings all characters to a level; but it does bring high characters down and low characters up towards a common standard. ~ Thomas B. Macaulay

The young woman was crying, in the way that grownups cry, keeping it inside as much as they can, and hating it when it still pushes out at the edges, making them ugly and funny-looking on the way. ~ Neil Gaiman

Israel also deprived the world of its chance of shedding tears of genuine sympathy over her destruction. The world resents this; it likes to feel noble and sympathetic. ~ George Mikes

Don't get me wrong, we're not the fucking Partridge family or anything. We don't all go on picnics and hold hands. ~ Neil Walker

The Japanese have become so smitten with the Western condiment - its texture as silky as a kimono, its tang as understated as the tang of Zen - that today they have a word for mayonnaise junkie: mayora. ~ Tom Robbins

Sanders was a friend of chickens. ~ Charles Taylor Manatt

These are the best things I've ever had in my mouth! ~ Mora Early

I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family. ~ George W. Bush

It's rude to stare, but the great thing about staring at a sedated person is that they don't know you're doing it. ~ Maggie Stiefvater

It's funny how you can be mad at someone one moment and want to hug them the next. ~ Anne Morrow Lindbergh

You have to be funny about it and honest about it. You can't leave yourself out of that mix. You have to be honest enough to say, I'm that messed-up one in the family. ~ Louie Anderson

Her engagement ring has a Dwayne Johnson of a diamond on it... ~ Laura Steven

There will be others, many others. You'll try desperately to digest a single word through the acronym-laden gibberish, while beginning to wonder what the point of all this is, and also why you didn't feel that staple you just sent into your thigh. You usually do. You'll wonder what your company even does. After six years, you have no idea what an information system is, do you? Maybe you should ask. Maybe that's how this ends. You'll imagine how poetic it would be to simply unmute yourself and say, "Sorry to interrupt, guys, but what's an information system?"
Still, your mind will drift further, envisioning how much more tolerable this call would be if you could just slowly masturbate during it. So you do. You masturbate during it. And it's beautiful. Masturbating, invisible within your three-walled fortress. Invisible ... invisible ... practically invisible. ~ Colin Nissan

These errand-boys and furtive and fugitive girls who, ignoring their doom, look in at shop windows? But I am aware of our ephemeral passage. ~ Virginia Woolf

Money without brains is always dangerous. ~ Napoleon Hill

All you have in comedy, in general, is just going with your instincts. You can only hope that other people think that what you think is funny is funny. I don't have an answer but I just try to plough straight ahead. ~ Will Ferrell

I swear to God, Boss," he said one day. "Ya ain't never been a talker, but lately, if ya'd a had to rub two words together to make a fire, you'd a done froze to death. ~ Eli Easton

Cannes is a circus, so you have to have fun with it. Everything suddenly becomes funny. And the promotion of a movie - that's where you really need to be a good actor. You need to make journalists believe that what you're saying is just for them and you've never said it before, even when you're talking about the same film over and over again. ~ Mathieu Amalric

Nickelback walks into a bar ... there's no punchline because ruining music isn't funny. ~ Dave Grohl

Fuller Warren had won the 1948 election by running as a moderate and promising to ease racial tension and violence in Florida. He'd denounced the Klansmen who paraded through Lake County on election night (with Sheriff Willis McCall following behind) as "hooded hoodlums and sheeted jerks," and Moore cautiously held out some hope for the new governor. Warren had admitted to being a former member of the Ku Klux Klan, but renouncing his past, like many a politician before and since, he'd stated that he had joined years before "as a favor to a friend" and that he "never wore a hood." Moore did not adopt a wait-and-see approach with the new governor. ~ Gilbert King

A funny thing, love. It was not always, or even mostly, a sexual thing. ~ Mary Balogh

At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted? ~ Zach Galifianakis

That's funny, it's funny! ~ Deyth Banger

My demeanor isn't that of a woman enraged. To see me slumped, glassy-eyed, holding a sandwich someone has cut for me into four "manageable" pieces, a person might tell you I look much more like a woman subdued. ~ Koren Zailckas

I had aimed at Mars and was about to hit Venus; unquestionably the all-time cosmic record for poor shots. ~ Edgar Rice Burroughs

If my hair was on fire and llamas came to put it out, he'd tell me the shot was great. ~ Erin Dionne

Jon Stewart hires people that he thinks are funny. That's it. That's the only requirement. ~ Olivia Munn

Whitney Houston's cover of "I Will Always Love You" was constantly on my FM Walkman radio around that time. I think that made me cry because I associated it with absolutely no one. ~ Tina Fey

I've been very lucky to work with people I think are funny and who are really awesome human beings. ~ Jillian Bell

Nixon, with his mellifluous baritone, was a great politician for radio but creepy on TV. ~ Richard Corliss

The world never slows down so that we can better grasp the story, so that we can form study groups and drill each other on the recent past until we have total retention. We have exactly one second to carve a memory of that second, to sort and file and prioritize in some attempt at preservation. But then the next second has arrived, the next breeze to distract us, the next plane slicing through the sky, the next funny skip from the next funny toddler, the next squirrel fracas, and the next falling leaf. Our imaginations are busy enough capturing now that it is easy to lose just then. ~ N.D. Wilson

When you're a politician, someone always wants something from you, so they're constantly telling you how smart or great you are, and that can warp people! Exercising humility is important to me. My friends back home treat me like the same person I was when I was waiting tables. ~ Aaron Schock