Kittens Funny Quotes

And I like to keep whatever is mine remaining that way. It's a funny little game to play and it's a slippery slope. I always say to myself I'm never going to give anything away because there's never any point or benefit for me. ~ Kristen Stewart

Divorce sucks. Let me tell you, after five years of marriage, it is devastating to have the person with the good credit move out. ~ Rich Vos

The important question is, what will your wear for a wedding dress, Alexia? You look horrible in white. ~ Gail Carriger

I think a lot of the time you just parody yourself. ~ Dylan Moran

You know, I'm just a very boring, not very funny person in person. I don't feel pressured to be otherwise. ~ Lorrie Moore

Parents get all focused on themselves, and they see their little babies start walkin' and talkin', and since they kinda look like them and sound like the, they start thinking of those little babies as themselves....And then something funny happens. Those babies grow up to be kids and teenages and grown-ups in their own right....so everything the kids do, everything, is a betrayal. ~ Barry Lyga

You have terminated me," one of them said in a strange, flat voice. "But I
am one of many."
"Robots!" Iggy breathed, taking Total from Angel.
"One of many, one of many, one of many," the robot Eraser was saying. Now
Nudge saw the red light in its eyes, saw how they were fading and winking out.
"Good!" spat the Gasman, kicking it hard. "Because we like to blow stuff up,
blow stuff up, blow stuff up! ~ James Patterson

Water for me is so essential, like swimming. ~ Nastassja Kinski

The worst thing about being a tourist is having other tourists recognize you as a tourist. ~ Russell Baker

Right on time, sugar." Josh draped his arm around her shoulders and steered her through the lobby. "Traffic okay?"
"Yeah, except when that alien spaceship landed on I-90 and then all those crickets jumped out to perform Beethoven's Fifth on kazoos. Otherwise, clear sailing. ~ Jamie Farrell

The funny thing is, this is what everyone assumes, that anybody who talks has an axe to grind. I've been around a long time, and yes, there obviously are people who disagree with policy who talk to me, but it's less axes to grind than people who are really motivated. One of the terrible things about this Administration is that nobody wants to hear bad news. ~ Seymour Hersh

I had seen movies before that that had made me laugh, but I had never seen anything even remotely close to as funny as Richard Pryor was, just standing there talking. ~ Joe Rogan

Most of a husband's life is spent in doing research on his wife. ~ Pawan Mishra

Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily. ~ Rita Rudner

When human judgment and big data intersect there are some funny things that happen. ~ Nate Silver

Get on a bus full of old people and you'll understand what I mean. It's easy to pick the woman who's spent her life indulging herself in moral indignation, tightening her lips against mothers who are too young, mothers who are too old, young men with dangerous-looking haircuts, and Winifred Martin going off with May Charleston's husband, and at their age, honestly. Yes, you'll be able to pick her in a trice, since she'll be the one with the cat's arse where her mouth ought to be. ~ Danielle Wood

How are you gonna make an 'idol' from the type of person you're trying to avoid in real life? ~ Natasha Leggero

It's cool to meet your idols. It's a good opportunity to travel. Those kinds of things are good. ~ Meg White

My favorite app is 'StumbleUpon,' because it just gives you interesting things that are sometimes exactly the stuff I'm interested in and sometimes just silly and funny. ~ Christine Quinn

I called the hotel operator and she said, "How can I direct your call?" I said, "Well, you could say 'Action!', and I'll begin to dial. And when I say 'Goodbye', then you can yell 'Cut!'" ~ Mitch Hedberg

The extraordinary mystique of hers made you think she lived on rose petals and listened to nothing but Mozart, but it wasn't true. She was quite funny and ribald. She could tell a dirty joke. She played charades with a great sense of fun and vulgarity, and she could be quite bitchy. ~ Andre Previn

And Sanderson?" "Are you kidding? I bet his girlfriend is a dominatrix or something." "Or his boyfriend." "No, he's so not cool enough to be gay." She was very funny. ~ Mary Calmes

Thomas Merton said it was actually dangerous to put the Scriptures in the hands of people whose inner self is not yet sufficiently awakened to encounter the Spirit, because they will try to use God for their own egocentric purposes. (This is why religion is so subject to corruption!) Now, if we are going to talk about conversion and penance, let me apply that to the two major groups that have occupied Western Christianity - Catholics and Protestants. Neither one has really let the Word of God guide their lives.

Catholics need to be converted to giving the Scriptures some actual authority in their lives. Luther wasn't wrong when he said that most Catholics did not read the Bible. Most Catholics are still not that interested in the Bible. (Historically they did not have the printing press, nor could most people read, so you can't blame them entirely.) I have been a priest for 42 years now, and I would sadly say that most Catholics would rather hear quotes from saints, Popes, and bishops, the current news, or funny stories, if they are to pay attention. If I quote strongly from the Sermon on the Mount, they are almost throwaway lines. I can see Catholics glaze over because they have never read the New Testament, much less studied it, or been guided by it. I am very sad to have to admit this. It is the Achilles heel of much of the Catholic world, priests included. (The only good thing about it is that they never fight you like Protestants do about Scripture. They are e ~ Richard Rohr

You need to realise how gorgeous you are.'
She laughs, but I'm not trying to be funny. 'I mean it Flo, you really are. Somewhere under all that disbelief. ~ Dawn O'Porter

A person who wasn't outraged on first hearing about quantum theory didn't understand what had been said. ~ Niels Bohr

I've always run by the hierarchy of 'If not funny, interesting. If not interesting, hot. If not hot, bizarre. If not bizarre, break something. ~ Jon Stewart

You won't kill me, you stupid worthless bitch. But you best believe that we will kill you. We'll make your friend's death look as cute as puppies and kittens compared to yours. It's just too bad that you won't be able to witness it. Bummer." - Patrick Calveri ~ Tina Nelson

Our relationship finally ended when he took to waking me up in the wee hours o the morning when he would go surfing. He thought it might be fun to have me come watch. "Fun for who?" I wanted to ask. i had never asked him to come to Happy Hour and watch me drink. ~ Chelsea Handler

The light is a funny thing, Grant. We think it shows us what we need to see, but in reality, it blinds us. That's why I brought you here. I wanted you to see me. ~ Adrienne Wilder

We will be victorious, and they will be defeated. ~ Mohammed Saeed Al-Sahaf

It's funny that they've called homosexuality a crime ... At this rate, everyone will be a criminal. ~ Kangana Ranaut

Zeb grinned. "You were the only person I know who's done it on an occupied police car."
I glared at him. "If you want to start trading stories, we can start trading stories. As a former member of the Richard Marx Fan Club, you don't want to start this arms race."
Zeb smiled meekly around a rib. Agreed."
"Richard Marx?" Jolene asked.
"He went through an obnoxiously cheerful pop phase. Don't ask. ~ Molly Harper

You still awake?' asked the anesthetist.
'Nope,' I replied. ~ Eoin Colfer

You look like a hot tamale."
"That's not really a compliment. ~ Simone Elkeles

The greatest tragedies were written by the Greeks and Shakespeare ... neither knew chocolate. ~ Sandra Boynton

Ryder's in jeans and his shirt from last night, and he's staring at the fridge. When I pad closer, I see he's not just staring at the door. I've hung my various ultrasound pictures to the silvery surface, and he's studying them. His index finger is poised over my recent twenty-week one, and he's tracing the outline of the baby's legs.

"Hi," I say, clearing my throat.

He straightens and then smiles. It's a sheepish look, as if he's been caught. "Just checking out Papaya."

I love that the name Papaya has stuck. That must be a sign he feels the same. I gesture to the thirteen-week picture, when I first heard the heartbeat. "I think Papaya was a fig in that one. Funny thing - when I was so sick, Papaya was only a kidney bean."

"Kidney beans are known to be troublemakers." He steps closer, drops a strangely chaste kiss to my forehead, and sets his hands on my belly. "And I think Papaya is almost a mango now, right?"

I nod. "How did you know?"

"I might have googled pregnancy-to-fruit comparisons. Papaya will be an eggplant in a little while."

I blink. Holy shit. He really knows his pregnancy fruits. Better than I do. ~ Lauren Blakely

When I was doing ensemble theater and comedy work, I felt I had some talents. But when I started doing my shows in Berkeley and found that I could be funny on my own, I was shocked. ~ Whoopi Goldberg

The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner. ~ Roseanne Barr

Alaine frowned at him for a moment. "Are you asking me if I need feminine products?"
"I'm telling you to plan ahead," Nova said with a deliberate look at her. "Anything you think you're gonna need, I'll pick up."
"Wow"-Alaine pulled back in surprise- "I'm sort of impressed right now. You ARE a progressive gangster."
"Just text me," Nova said as he threw up his hand. "I'm leaving."
"She's not going to need feminine products," Tino said with a bark of laughter. "I guarantee you she's pregnant after last night. ~ Kele Moon

In this time of recession, it is the time for invention. Did you know both the telephone and the automobile were invented during recessions? So was 'talking dirty.' ~ Eugene Mirman

If you want to make a mythical creature, just take a regular animal and add wings to it. A horse becomes a Pegasus, a lion becomes a griffin, and a hawk ... becomes a double hawk. ~ Demetri Martin

The play was a great success, but audience was a dismal failure. ~ George Bernard Shaw

What are we doing here? Has something gone wrong?"
"Oh no, Ron," came Fred's voice, very sarcastically. "No, this is exactly where we wanted to end up. ~ J.K. Rowling

I gave my girlfriend something she didn't expect for Valentine's day ... Chlamydia. ~ Frankie Boyle

I love my girlfriend, don't get me wrong. I truly love this woman, but I have the ability to have sex without any emotional involvement. It's a gift. ~ Adam Ferrara

Sonya's a real person, like your Mother. Thirty years ago, that was your Mother's biggest flaw in my eyes, and now that's the thing I love most about Sonya. It's funny how things end, isn't it? ~ Matthew Norman

Right now I feel that I've got my feet on the ground as far as my head is concerned. ~ Bo Belinsky