Funny Graduation Quotes

When I made coffee and Xeroxed and distributed newspapers at ABC News, I thought my life was over. ~ Katie Couric

I have learned to go fully in the face of my dreams. I would recommend you do the same. Now is the time in your life to be selfish. To explore. To take chances. Remember being selfish is not the same as being self-indulgent. You have the gift of time. Use it to do what you love. Believe anything is possible and then work like hell to make it happen. ~ Julianna Margulies

In this time of recession, it is the time for invention. Did you know both the telephone and the automobile were invented during recessions? So was 'talking dirty.' ~ Eugene Mirman

I too turned to Webster's Dictionary and it defined Harvard University as a season for gathering crops. ~ Andy Samberg

When I was here there was still a requirement that students had to swim 50 yards to graduate ... because Harry Elkins Widener had drowned with the sinking of the Titanic. And it made me very grateful at the time that he had not gone down in a plane crash. ~ Barney Frank

Learn to trust yourself. That's very vital ... Just stand with yourself. Remember, in his lifetime, Van Gogh sold only two paintings. I personally sold even fewer. ~ Eric Idle

Academe, n.: An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught. Academy, n.: A modern school where football is taught. ~ Ambrose Bierce

Remember that there's no one way of doing things ... If you just get a hammer and hit it really hard, whatever it is, I guarantee you it'll open. ~ Fred Armisen

I was a Democrat before I was a Republican before I became an independent and I never changed my principles. ~ Michael Bloomberg

A relentless focus on the outward markers of success can lead to complacency. It can make you lazy. ~ Barack Obama

Try putting your iPhones down every once in a while and look at people's faces. ~ Amy Poehler

I can tell you how bad our boards are ... I don't have to watch Saturday Night Live anymore; I just go to the board meetings. ~ Carl Icahn

Become goddesses of disobedience. ~ Naomi Wolf

I could have said something profound, but you would have forgotten it in 15 minutes - which is the afterlife of a graduation speech. ~ Art Buchwald

And that's why I've been talking only about you and the tension within you, because you are - not in a clichéd sense, but in a weirdly literal sense - the future. After you walk up here and walk back down, you're going to be the present. You will be the broken world and the act of changing it, in a way that you haven't been before. You will be so many things, and the one thing that I wish I'd known and want to say is, don't just be yourself. Be all of yourselves. Don't just live. Be that other thing connected to death. Be life. Live all of your life. Understand it, see it, appreciate it. And have fun. ~ Joss Whedon

The trouble with learning from experience is that you never graduate. ~ Doug Larson

Pg. 231-232: They'd given me a minivan. They could have picked any car and they picked a minivan. A minivan. O God of the Vehicular Justice, why dost thou mock me? Minivan, you albatross around my neck! You mark of Cain! You wretched beast high ceilings and few horsepower! ~ John Green

My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father. ~ Wendy Liebman

It's so funny because I haven't set foot in a grocery store in years, you know. And that's so embarrassing ... I kept going, 'What's this?' "First of all I had the cart and I was riding down the aisles standing on it. And there's nobody there but us. And we got in the checkout. And I'm seeing this square thing, and I'm like, "What's this you guys?" And Missy just looked at me. And they said, "That's so you can use your credit card." And I said, "You can use your credit cards in grocery stores now? ~ Janet Jackson

Ove looks at the group assembled around him, as if he's been kidnapped and taken to a parallel universe. For a moment he thinks about swerving off the road, until he realises that the worst case scenario would be that they all accompanied him into the afterlife. ~ Fredrik Backman

The funny thing about prayers is you can absolutely make up your own if you want to. ~ Art Hochberg

That's my only goal. Surround myself with funny people, and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard. ~ Joe Rogan

On the seemingly one-sided relationship between Michael Jordan and his shoe sponsors Nike- The company should change its name to Mike. ~ Alvin Robertson

Scott Foley was always fun because he's a very funny guy. So I liked working with him a bunch. ~ Ian Gomez

I am a fan of all genres. My big thing is to serve the purpose of the script and what the director wants. If it's a comedy, I want to be funny; if it's action, I want to bring the action. If it's drama, I want to be the catalyst for that drama. That's the fun part; it never gets boring being an actor. ~ Terry Crews

Mrs. Panabaker is ten years older than God and probably smarter. She stops into the offices every other Thursday to tell my dad what she didn't like about his sermon the previous Sunday. She makes fudge-covered marshmallows at Christmas time and force feeds them to anyone too slow to escape. I've never seen her out of a suit dress and floral scarf, and on Sundays she always wears a matching hat. Last week was a salmon-colored number, and her hat was draped in fake fruit. I wanted to try to eat one of the grapes just to see what she'd do, but I value my life. ~ A.C. Williams

It's really funny, because if you make up words, then people project their own meanings onto it, which I find interesting. ~ Aphex Twin

I was raised a nice Jewish boy in a Conservative household. Went to Camp Ramah. It's funny actually. I think I enacted my queerness there unconsciously. I was kind of one of the weirdos. I was on staff and definitely interested in alternatives to what that social structure was supposed to be. ~ Jay Michaelson

Even as a kid I was never the generator of humor, but I always knew who was funny, who to hang out with. ~ Andrew Stanton

There's nothing so improves the mood of the Party as the imminent execution of a senior colleague. ~ Alan Clark

I don't dwell on the fact that I may have ridden on planes. That which I can't remember having needed, I simply accept. It is the most preferable kind of self-insight: one that does not require any accompanying change in behavior. ~ Benson Bruno

Some of the pictures I must say every now and then I just think are going to be funny. When it gets that much, you might as well just pull out all the stops and make it more of a burlesque. ~ Martin Mull

I had to act in a school play when I was about ten years old. I really didn't want to do it. But everyone had to do it so I didn't have a choice. A talent agent came and watched it and later gave me some work. It's funny because I'd always known that I wanted a movie career. I just didn't think that I would be in the movies. ~ Kristen Stewart

I'm having a panic attack, you inconsiderate ass. ~ Tahereh Mafi

Tough Olympic news for the Romneys. Ann Romney's horse Rafalka did not advance to the Olympic finals. Apparently it was beat by a smooth-talking socialist horse from Kenya. ~ Conan O'Brien

Avery: Yeah right, very funny, when are you going to shoot me and dump my body at captree? This is Getting old. ~ H.M. Ward

If Fifty Shades is your idea of a good book, you have no idea what a good book is. ~ Oliver Markus Malloy

When a man goes on a date he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows. ~ Frederick Bushnell "Jack" Ryder

the King gave orders that the page's salary was to be doubled. As he received no salary at all this was not of much use to him, but it was considered a great honor, and was duly published in the Court Gazette. ~ Oscar Wilde

Twenty-five minutes ago, I was blissfully invisible. No laughing. No evil grins. No drama. And now? It couldn't be more dramatic. I've got a stepsister masquerading as Cinderella, the chauvinistic villagers think I'm the ugly stepsister, and the boy coming to my side is more likely to snag a prince than I am. ~ Kelsey Macke

And Barry Levinson is insanely funny. I don't know if you know this, not everyone does, but he and Craig T. Nelson were a comedy team back in the coffeehouse days of the late '60s. ~ Kevin Pollak

Blankets on the other hand are incredibly needy as they are always trying to fill a "void". Are a bit whorish in that the instant you walk away from them in less than a minute they'll be all over someone else, and the moment you actually need them they're nowhere to be found. ~ Nicole McKay

I don't remember a single monster before I met you.' he'd told Amphibian. 'Now they seem to be all over the place.'
'You mean there wasn't anything you were afraid of?' the Amphibian had asked him.
'lots.'
'What did they look like?'
It was a funny question.
'They didn't look like anything. They were ideas,' Tom told him. 'Like not being able to pay rent, or being lonely.'
'That's the most terrifying thing I've ever heard.' the Amphibian replied. ~ Andrew Kaufman

Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people 'the cops.' But you know, sometimes, you've just got no choice; those kids gotta get to school! ~ Dave Attell

It seems that Canada's historic mission is to come to the selfless aid both of its friends and of complete strangers, and then, once the crisis is over, to be well and truly ignored. Canada is the perpetual wallflower that stands on the edge of the hall, waiting for someone to come and ask her for a dance. ~ Kevin Myers

I'd rather have less time than I think, than less think than I have time. ~ The Covert Comic

There are just so many funny kids and teenagers. They're just not aware of how funny they are. ~ Vanessa Bayer

With Portlandia, I don't think our intention is always to find something funny. Sometimes the humor comes from taking something really seriously. We're okay with making somebody feel uncomfortable or uneasy. ~ Carrie Brownstein

The Nazis were seldom dumb and never funny. ~ Leonid Kinskey

Well, I've seen porn!" Evan defends and Dan just looks at him.
"Okay, captain Pornie, walk me through it," Dan challenges. "I'll be the pizza guy, and Jeff can be the plumber. You can be ... hey, why don't you be the high-powered young executive?"
Evan grins at him with a glint in his eye. "Okay, fine." He laces his fingers together and flexes them in front of him as if he's warming up. He sits back in chair and his eyes focus on the eaves of Jeff's roof then begins.
"The young executive come home after a hard day ...
[five pages of detailed porn]
" ... and all fall asleep together on the executives huge bed. The End." Evan is pretty clearly proud of himself, and Dan really blame him.
After an appreciative silence, Dan says, "Okay, yeah, so maybe there's some merit to the whole threesome thing. ~ Kate Sherwood