Funny Chocolate Quotes

Chocolate is a perfect food, as wholesome as it is delicious, a beneficent restorer of exhausted power ... it is the best friend of those engaged in literary pursuits. ~ Justus Von Liebig

Your face makes my soul want to eat chocolate pudding! ~ Andy Milonakis

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar. ~ George Carlin

What use are cartridges in battle? I always carry chocolate instead. ~ George Bernard Shaw

What you see before you, my friend, is the result of a lifetime of chocolate. ~ Katharine Hepburn

The greatest tragedies were written by the Greeks and Shakespeare ... neither knew chocolate. ~ Sandra Boynton

When we don't have the words chocolate can speak volumes. ~ Joan Bauer

Good Americans, when they die, go to Paris. ~ Thomas Gold Appleton

You are the night."
"I am the night," I repeated.
"You are the night."
I cocked my head, sending him a questioning look. "I am the night?"
"Jane!"
"Why is it that when you say my name, it sounds like a curse word? ~ Molly Harper

Stewart has two cars in the top five: Magnusson 5th and Barichello 6th. ~ Murray Walker

I just can't see the upside in this," I heard myself say by way of explanation.

Later he said that if John had been sitting in the office he would have found this funny, as he himself had found it. "Of course I knew what you meant to say, and John would have known too, you meant to say you couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel."

I agreed, but this was not in fact the case.

I had meant pretty much exactly what I said: I couldn't see the upside in this.

As I thought about the difference between the two sentences I realized that my impression of myself had been of someone who could look for, and find, the upside in any situation. I had believed in the logic of popular songs. I had looked for the silver lining. I had walked on through the storm. It occurs to me now that these were not even the songs of my generation. They were the songs, and the logic, of the generation or two that preceded my own. The score for my generation was Les Paul and Mary Ford, "How High the Moon," a different logic altogether. It also occurs to me, not an original thought but novel to me, that the logic of those earlier songs was based on self-pity. The singer of the song about looking for the silver lining believes that clouds have come her way. The singer of the song about walking on through the storm assumes that the storm could otherwise take her down. ~ Joan Didion

TLC should stand for Toddlers, Lunatics, and Cake. ~ Natasha Leggero

Don't bite the hand that feeds you; especially if you're dining alone. ~ Kevin Ansbro

Subect: Sigh.
Okay. Since we're on the subject...
Q. What is the Tsar of Russia's favorite fish?
A. Tsardines, of course.
Q. What does the son of a Ukranian newscaster and a U.S. congressman eat for Thanksgiving dinner on an island off the coast of Massachusetts?
A.?
-Ella

Subect: TG
A. Republicans.
Nah.I'm sure we'll have all the traditional stuff: turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes. I'm hoping for apple pie. Our hosts have a cook who takes requests, but the island is kinda limited as far as shopping goes. The seven of us will probably spend the morning on a boat, then have a civilized chow-down. I predict Pictionary. I will win.
You?
-Alex

Subect: Re. TG
Alex,
I will be having my turkey (there ill be one, but it will be somewhat lost among the pumpkin fettuccine, sausage-stuffed artichokes, garlic with green beans, and at least four lasagnas, not to mention the sweet potato cannoli and chocolate ricotta pie) with at least forty members of my close family, most of whom will spend the entire meal screaming at each other. Some will actually be fighting, probably over football.

I am hoping to be seated with the adults. It's not a sure thing.

What's Martha's Vineyard like? I hear it's gorgeous. I hear it's favored by presidential types, past and present.
-Ella

Subject: Can I Have TG with You?
Please??? There's a 6a.m. flight off the island. I can be back in ~ Melissa Jensen

It's really funny if two women stand on the House floor. There are usually at least two men who go by and say, 'What is this, a coup?' They're almost afraid to see us in public together. ~ Patricia Schroeder

Even though I do a more traditional type of being funny on television, I still know a lot of comedians and stand-ups and improv actors. ~ Busy Philipps

Well sue me for staring. I'd be willing to scrub away my shame on his washboard abs. ~ Tia Giacalone

I feel like Bill Walton - old and shitty. ~ Shaquille O'Neal

The funny thing is, I was never much of a fighter. Better a live coward than a dead hero, that was my motto. ~ Ozzy Osbourne

What have you packed for? A twelve-month grand tour around the country? ~ John Flanagan

It was great fun to hang around the Beatles. They had amazingly fast minds, and they were incredibly amusing and funny and witty. They were great. There was a very high energy surrounding them. ~ Pattie Boyd

It is fatal to let any dog know that he is funny, for he immediately loses his head and starts hamming it up. ~ P.G. Wodehouse

I do not believe in any religion, I will have nothing to do with immortality. We are miserable enough in this life without speculating upon another. ~ George Gordon Byron

I was shot from the funny gun. ~ Peter DeLuise

It's really funny because the same people who loved me as Stringer Bell were the same people that were watching 'Daddy's Little Girls' literally in tears. ~ Idris Elba

There's a lot of very funny people I'd love to work with that I've never met, of course. I love Steve Martin and Jim Carrey. ~ Dick Van Dyke

Now keep in mind, memories aren't historical archives. They're - improvisations, really. A lot of the stuff you associate with a particular event might be factually wrong, no matter how clearly you remember it. The brain has a funny habit of building composites. Inserting details after the fact. But that's not to say your memories aren't true, okay? They're an honest reflection of how you saw the world, and every one of them went into shaping how you see it. But they're not photographs. More like impressionist paintings. Okay? ~ Peter Watts

Sorry, I didn't know that you had a vagina, I'll refrain from using vulgar words for now on. How about it smells like pee pee and poo poo, with a little bit of spew, is that better?"
"You're a real character, you know that?"
"Thanks, I try," she says. "Now, let's get the shi-stuff and get out of here."
"Fine," I say. "But for future reference, I like it better when you curse. It's pretty funny to see a pissed off Tinkerbell." I run from the baseball mitt being hurled at my head, laughing all the way . ~ Katelin LaMontagne

When you're in a relationship with someone who's selfish, what keeps you in it is the fact that when they shine on you, it's this souped-up shine. And you feel like you're in the club. And you don't even know what club it is. You just know you want to stay in it. ~ Mike Birbiglia

No one can possibly achieve any real and lasting success or 'get rich' in business by being a conformist. ~ J. Paul Getty

Naturally the U.S. trails in gold medals because every time we win one, we hand it over to the Chinese to pay off our debt. ~ Stephen Colbert

Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling. ~ Dave Barry

Isn't it funny the way some combinations of words can give you
almost apart from their meaning
a thrill like music? ~ C.S. Lewis

All the electronic devices are powered by white smoke. When smoke goes out, device is dead. ~ Milan Nikolic

Two days after my dad's funeral, my mom went on a mission. I never understood it until then
that sometimes a spy doesn't need a cover so much as she needs a shield. ~ Ally Carter

I remember when I took the role on E.R., I thought, 'I haven't really been able to play a working class woman. I've played girls, I've played funny, but I haven't played a working class woman. That sounds like something I'd like to do.' ~ Linda Cardellini

I couldn't know about my culture, my history, without learning the language, so I started learning Arabic - reading, writing. I used to speak Arabic before that, but Tunisian Arabic dialect. Step by step, I discovered calligraphy. I painted before and I just brought the calligraphy into my artwork. That's how everything started. The funny thing is the fact that going back to my roots made me feel French. ~ EL Seed

I hated Valentine's Day even before I was aware of my Duff status. Honestly, I didn't even understand why it was a holiday. Really, it was just an excuse for girls to whine about being lonely and for guys to worm their way into getting laid. I found it materialistic, indulgent, and, with all of the chocolate, completely unhealthy. ~ Kody Keplinger

You're lucky you're good in
bed."
"Oh." He grabbed at my foot. "I think you keep me around for other reasons."
I slanted him a look out of the corner of my eye. "Right now, for the life of me I can't think what those reasons are."
Braden tugged harder on my foot, raising his fingers towards it. "Take it back or the foot getsit."
Oh hell no! I yanked at my appendage.
"Braden, no."
Deaf to my warning, he started to tickle me,his grip tightening as I laughed breathlessly and
kicked out, trying to get free.
He wouldn't stop. Ruthless!
"Braden," I panted hysterically, attempting to shove at him with my arms but struggling as he continued his war on my feet. I laughed harder,
ribs aching, and then… horror.
I broke wind.
Big time.
Braden immediately let go of my feet, his loud, rumbling laugh filling the room, laughter that only deepened when I lost balance, from kicking out
at him and then being abruptly let go, and fell off the couch with an undignified thud.
Mortified as he collapsed against the couch
belly laughing at my fart then fall, I grabbed a cushion and launched it at him from my position on the floor.
Of course this only made the idiot laugh
harder. I warred between feeling humiliation at farting in front of him, something you just didn't do in
company, and laughing, since his was so
infectious. "Braden!" I whined. "Shut up. It's not funny," I huffed, my lips caught i ~ Samantha Young