Matthew Norman Quotes

I suspect scotch is something you have to convince yourself to enjoy, like sushi or the last few Radiohead albums, but I can't deny the result is nice. "You

In my career, I've found that only annoying people knock on open doors.

caffeine-infused tsunami of words.

This house has endured three of my Dad's four wives, and so over the last few decades it's been a home-size mood ring, changing to the styles and temperaments of its female inhabitants.

Here's the worst detail of all - worse than Wham! even, if you can believe it. It all happened at Applebee's. Don't get me wrong. I'm not a snob. I don't have a problem with Applebee's per se. But I think we can all agree, as a civilized society, that lives shouldn't change there. Significant things shouldn't begin or end at Applebee's. You shouldn't walk into Applebee's as one thing and then leave as something else entirely. She

Maybe that's just what moving on is, not getting over, but skipping over.

The most important people in this man's life - the people who have mattered to him most - aren't my Mother or his wives or me or Anna or Allie. The people who matter most are the people in his head. That is loneliness.

Back in the car, I sit for a long time, breathing. I'll remember this, what just happened, for a very long time. I'll be on my own deathbed someday, replaying this in my head, wishing it had gone differently. We hold on to the shitty things the tightest, for some reason. And this is the shittiest thing ever. Are

They're always like, 'Would my character really do this or really do that?' And I'm like, 'Who gives a shit? Just make them do it, you coward. Don't be so passive.' You and I, we're in charge of what we can do and what we can't do.

That's me, giving myself a tough-love speech. I'm going to start doing that more often, I've decided. One might as well put his inner monologue to good use.

I've been thinking about your Father a lot lately, and I've realized something. I married Gary specifically for the fact that he wasn't Curtis. If your Father has an opposite, it's Gary. I just need to decide if I want to spend the rest of my life with someone I married by default.

Two hours with my grandpa felt like eternity, but also like not long enough. I should have come sooner. I should have called him more this past year. I should have watched more Cubs games with him, and I should have been better at being his grandson.

Sometimes in life, it doesn't matter that you've just woken up on a floor. Or that you haven't brushed your teeth. Or that your hair is a mess and you're wearing the clothes you slept in. Sometimes you just have to be polite.

I think you'll be a great teacher, said Gary. That's his role in my life: blind encourager and ambassador of false senses of security.

When you're having sex again, it makes you wonder why you weren't before. What could possibly have been bad enough to make you stop doing THAT?

Actually, the first time I saw one in real life, I thought of the Great Pit of Carkoon in Return of the Jedi." "OK,

I'm not an alcoholic - I don't have the discipline to become one - but,

You look good," I tell my reflection. "Hot?" But this last part comes out with a question mark at the end. I've never been good at sales.

They're all about forty, I'd guess, but they could pass for thirty in that way that handsome gay men can seemingly defy the basic rules of nature.

The captain of a ship can run a great ship, but he can't do anything about the tides.

Then we lapse into silence. It's these silences that do damage, that reveal glimpses of the distressed foundation struggling under the weight of things.

Eating with children at a restaurant is like eating with a live grenade. It's going to explode every time. You just don't know when.

All the stuff she says on the radio. It's just fear. The world is leaving people like her behind, and it scares the shit out of her.

He arrived to find that she'd left, discovering then that he was all alone. Even the birds had gone. They'd abandoned their nest on the windowsill, and he was somehow certain that they'd never come back.

I'm like a poker player, bluffing with whatever cards equal a really shitty hand. I should mention that I have no fucking idea how to play poker. "You

It's probably unhealthy to miss a life that never actually existed - to

Sonya's a real person, like your Mother. Thirty years ago, that was your Mother's biggest flaw in my eyes, and now that's the thing I love most about Sonya. It's funny how things end, isn't it?

Whoa," I say. "Look how tall he is." "Actors are always midgets in person," says Brandon, "But writers ... they're giants.

Right when you find yourself not thinking about her at all, there she'll be, right at the end of the story to fuck with your head one last time. She

Parenting is mostly bribery . . . and yelling.

I'm leaning on an old guy trick here, claiming my wife is being a typical irrational woman right as she begins saying things that I don't want to hear.

Remember that string of movies when we were younger, like mid '90s? The ones where the nerdy girl finally puts on makeup and a Wonderbra and everyone realizes how totally boneable she is?" "Yeah." "Well, that's you," she says. "We're in one of those movies. You're my hopeless teenage girl, all stuck in your shell, and I'm here to give you a fresh coat of makeup and a slutty dress. Push those boobies up, Andy Carter, it's go time." "Do

Significant thins shouldn't begin or end at Applebee's.

That's the thing I hate most about my brain, the way it stores and catalogs things, all this dumb shit on a giant hard drive in my head, so I'm forced to obsess over it all like a crazy person.

If a car can represent something, this one represents contradiction. For most of his life, my dad has been able to have any woman he wants. In response, he's gone through as many as possible, betraying each for someone younger and more absurd. Conversely, for most of his life he's been able to have any car he wants, too. In response, he's remained married to this, a 1982 Porsche with a tricky clutch.

Marriage isn't easy, Andy," he says. "You love someone in a specific time and place. But you have no idea what they'll become. People change. Sometimes, they change so much you hardly even recognize them anymore." For

You ever notice that like seventy-five percent of the dudes in America look like the bad guy in The Karate Kid?" I say. "Don't

It's like the television equivalent of one of those cymbal-banging monkey toys being duct-taped to your forehead.

Daughters," he says. "You raise them and watch them grow up, and you love them so much it makes you crazy. Then one day some guy shows up. Maybe he's nice. Maybe he's got a good job. Maybe he's got his shirt tucked in and he calls you sir. But he's never quite what you're hoping for. If you have one someday - a daughter, I mean - you'll know what I'm talking about.

giant hard drive in my head, so I'm forced to obsess over it all like

I don't think - I begin, but then I stop there. Strangely enough, this sounds like a full, declarative sentence, as if I'm standing in a bar shouting out one of my most obvious character flaws. I don't think!

They didn't hate her when you were in high school. They made fun of her. She was the butt of jokes. But they didn't hate her. That's what people do now. They don't disagree, they hate.

Not sure, but I tell her that it does because I'm Midwestern and agreeable. She

I instantly like people who laugh at my jokes. It's a weakness of mine.

We hold on to the shitty things the tightest, for some reason. And

In my experience, Fox News isn't something you can tune out, like a game show or a cable movie you've seen a dozen times. The colors, the moving logos, the giant fonts, the . . . well . . . the things they actually say. It's like the television equivalent of one of those cymbal-banging monkey toys being duct-taped to your forehead. So this is how it'd go. I'd hear something ridiculous, and I'd scoff or make some smart-ass comment, and then it'd be straight downhill from there.

Do you ever stop talking?" I say. "Seriously, it's like you have a superarticulate form of Tourette syndrome.