Golf Jokes Quotes

I don't fear death, but I sure don't like those three-footers for par. ~ Chi Chi Rodriguez

If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age. ~ Tom Mulligan

Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you're not good at them. ~ Kevin Costner

Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts. ~ Henry Beard

One thing about golf is you don't know why you play bad and why you play good. ~ George Archer

I have a lot of people in my life who are truly ridiculous characters, and they're very, very funny people, but they don't really try to be. They're not cracking jokes. ~ Emile Hirsch

'Jurassic World' takes place in a fully functional park on Isla Nublar. It sees more than 20,000 visitors every day. You arrive by ferry from Costa Rica. It has elements of a biological preserve, a safari, a zoo, and a theme park. There is a luxury resort with hotels, restaurants, nightlife and a golf course. And there are dinosaurs. ~ Colin Trevorrow

I was out on the golf course, a guy came riding out in a golf cart and said, Did you know that Elvis died? And I just said, Well, there you go. It was like I had kinda been expecting it. ~ Mac Davis

You name any horrific thing, and I can make a joke out of it. ~ Quentin Tarantino

Jenny can still suck a golf ball through a garden hose and she guns my cock like a champ since she misplaced her false teeth! ~ Tara Sivec

It pleased the public to think I lived the easy, carefree life - the playboy of golf. ~ Walter Hagen

I enjoy life. I always enjoy jokes. ~ Ivan Lendl

When I was a little girl in Savannah playing, there were never enough hours in the day or holes on the golf course. I just loved the game so much. ~ Hollis Stacy

I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators. ~ Gerald R. Ford

It's a piece of property that, if you're going to have a development out here, you need to have a golf course because you need to take care of the effluent water being created by the development. ~ Tom Kite

In polite society one laughs at all the jokes, including the ones one has heard before. ~ Frank Dane

I could never be a professional comedian, 'cause you have to keep telling the same jokes. For me, they're like word solos. ~ Robyn Hitchcock

The inside jokes have already dissolved into unordered words with no punchline. The gifts have been reduced to objects whose saving grace is their monetary value, no meaning and all function. There are photographs, somewhere, but I'm not the person posed in them anymore and whoever that is sitting next to me, all dressed up in your costume and wearing your mask, well, that's not you either. ~ Stephanie Georgopulos

If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody will. If you're right 90% of the time, why quibble about the remaining 3%? In Africa some of the native tribes have a custom of beating the ground with clubs and uttering spine chilling cries. Anthropologists call this a form of primitive self-expression. In America we call it golf. ~ Dave Barry

I'm a bit of a worrier, to an extreme. I'll crack a joke, then worry if I've offended someone - even when they're laughing. I have a guilt complex, always worrying. ~ Sophia Bush

We adore babies because they're so cute. And, of course, we are amused by jokes because they are funny. This is all backwards. It is. And Darwin shows us why. ~ Daniel Dennett

I don't do a lot of political jokes. Too many are getting elected. ~ Bob Hope

A woman would pitch a joke. Nothing. Then a guy would pitch it and everybody would laugh. ~ Wanda Sykes

One of the bonds between Lily and me is that we both suffer with our teeth. She is twenty years my junior but we wear bridges, each of us. Mine are at the sides, hers are in front. She has lost the four upper incisors. It happened while she was still in high school, out playing golf with her father, whom she adored. The poor old guy was a lush and far too drunk to be out on a golf course that day. Without looking or given warning, he drove from the first tee and on the backswing struck his daughter. It always kills me to think of that cursed hot July golf course, and this drunk from the plumbing supply business, and the girl of fifteen bleeding. Damn these weak drunks! Damn these unsteady men! I can't stand these clowns who go out in public as soon as they get swacked to show how broken-hearted they are. But Lily would never hear a single word against him and wept for him sooner than for herself. She carries his photo in her wallet. ~ Saul Bellow

I was on the first one when I felt his fingers encircle my wrist. "Sophie, come on. I don't want to fight with you."
Turning, I opened my mouth to say I didn't want to fight with him either. But before I could, I saw the telltale flash out of the corner of my eye, and the next thing I knew, my arm was jerking out of his grasp. "If you don't want to fight with her, maybe you shouldn't suggest she team up with people who want to kill her," my voice snarled.
Archer backed up so fast he nearly stumbled, and I wasn't sure I'd ever seen him look so freaked out. But he recovered quickly. "Elodie, if I wanted to talk to you, I'd do a séance or something. Maybe go on an episode of Ghost Hunters. But right now, I want to talk to Sophie. So clear out."
Elodie had no intention of doing that. "You always were a crappy boyfriend," she said. "Once you left, I chalked that up to you, you know, not actually liking me. But unless I'm blind as well as dead, you really like Sophie. In fact, hard as it is for me to fathom, I think you love her."
Shut up, shut up, shut up!
Screw that, she retorted. You two spend all your time making stupid jokes and being all witty. Someone has to get real.
"What's your point?" Archer asked, narrowing his eyes at me. Her. Whatever. God, this was getting confusing.
"Cal loves her, too, you know. And the last time I checked, he wasn't part of a cult of monster killers. I'm just saying that if you're going have loyalties that divid ~ Rachel Hawkins

A fantastic golf course and venue. It's one of those places that you always look forward to going back to ... no matter how many times you have been there before. ~ Lee Westwood

He charged the ranks of the goblins of Mount Gram in the Battle of the Green Fields, and knocked their king Golfimbul's head clean off with a wooden club. It sailed a hundred yards through the air and went down a rabbit-hole, and in this way the battle was won and the game of Golf invented at the same moment. ~ J.R.R. Tolkien

The greatest thing about tomorrow is, I will be better than I am today. And that's how I look at my life. I will be a better golfer, I will be a better person, I will be a better father, I will be a better husband, I will be a better friend. That's the beauty of tomorrow. ~ Tiger Woods

I enjoy making people laugh. The trick is to tell them jokes against yourself. If you praise yourself, your stories aren't funny. ~ Michael Caine

Anyone and everyone taking a writing class knows that the secret of good writing is to cut it back, pare it down, winnow, chop, hack, prune, and trim, remove every superfluous word, compress, compress, compress...

Actually, when you think about it, not many novels in the Spare tradition are terribly cheerful. Jokes you can usually pluck out whole, by the roots, so if you're doing some heavy-duty prose-weeding, they're the first to go. And there's some stuff about the whole winnowing process I just don't get. Why does it always stop when the work in question has been reduced to sixty or seventy thousand words--entirely coincidentally, I'm sure, the minimum length for a publishable novel? I'm sure you could get it down to twenty or thirty if you tried hard enough. In fact, why stop at twenty or thirty? Why write at all? Why not just jot the plot and a couple of themes down on the back of an envelope and leave it at that? The truth is, there's nothing very utilitarian about fiction or its creation, and I suspect that people are desperate to make it sound manly, back-breaking labor because it's such a wussy thing to do in the first place. The obsession with austerity is an attempt to compensate, to make writing resemble a real job, like farming, or logging. (It's also why people who work in advertising put in twenty-hour days.) Go on, young writers--treat yourself to a joke, or an adverb! Spoil yourself! Readers won't mind! ~ Nick Hornby

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. ~ Will Rogers

I heard a delightful - and possibly apocryphal - story about what happened when the British introduced golf to India in the 1820s. Upon building the first golf course there, the Royal Calcutta, the British discovered a problem: Indigenous monkeys were intrigued by the little white balls and would swoop down out of the trees and onto the fairways, picking them up and carrying them off. This was a disruption, to say the least. In response, officials tried erecting fences to keep the monkeys out, but the monkeys climbed right over. They tried capturing and relocating the monkeys, but the monkeys kept coming back. They tried loud noises to scare them away. Nothing worked. In the end, they arrived at a solution: They added a new rule to the game - "Play the ball where the monkey drops it. ~ Ed Catmull

The problem with art is, it's not like the game of golf where you put the ball in the hole. There's no umpire; there's no judge. There are no rules. It's one of its problems. But it's also one of the great things about art. It becomes a question of what lasts. ~ Richard Prince

My mother wanted out of politics. And I'll tell you, she got as far out as she could. Down nigh the Licking River."
"The Licking - " said Da-Xia, as if she couldn't believe her luck.
Elián scrubbed a hand over his face. "The south fork."
"Have you at this point heard all the jokes about that?" asked Grego.
"I'll bet there are more," said Thandi.
"Shut up," said Elián, majestically. ~ Erin Bow

I do plan to return to golf one day, I just don't know when that day will be. ~ Tiger Woods

A friend of mine jokes that I have a painstaking royalty complex. Like maybe I was a duke in a past life. ~ Frank Ocean

My father wasn't a hard guy. He was a well-liked guy. He had a lot of compassion about things in life. There were rules, but there was also flexibility within those rules. He didn't push me when it came to golf: he just taught me the right way to play the game. ~ Tom Watson

She was desperate to see Kai again. To kiss him. To be in his arms. To laugh at his ironic jokes and watch his eyes crinkle when he laughed at hers. It ~ Marissa Meyer

I sing songs from the theater and pop songs. When I say 'pop songs,' I mean from the 90's. And I tell jokes. So it's sort of a stand up show meets a concert - not your traditional lounging across a piano cabaret show. It's much looser. ~ Laura Benanti

It's tough being a dictator, but I've always thought it must be tougher being a hanger-on to a dictator. The late nights spent listening to his crazed ranting, the weary rictus grin from smiling at bad jokes, the draining knowledge that one misjudged comment could land you on the chopping block. ~ John Niven

Believe it or not, I'm not really thinking about anything when I putt ... It's hard to teach. I let my instincts take over. I like to see which way the break is going and use it. When I'm putting well, I feel like I can make everything. ~ Brad Faxon

Is there such a thing as a technically perfect swing? If there is, I have yet to see it. ~ David Leadbetter

Love isn't about to show off or to go on dates. Its about being with a person who makes you feel special, who gives you a feeling that no one else does. The one who can completely understand you and can laugh on your lame jokes. The one to whom you trust the most and can share your problems. The one who can make wrong things right. Person with whom you can spend your whole life. ~ Taimoor Madni