Milton Berle Quotes

My wife is a real Puritan. She thinks licking the stamp on the envelope of a Valentine is foreplay.

You don't need to travel, laughter is an instant vacation

Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.

Laughter is an instant vacation.

One teacher recently retired with a half-million dollars after 30 years of working hard, caring, dedicating herself and totally immensing herself in the problems of the students. That gave her $50. The rest of the money came from the death of a rich uncle.

Money can't buy you happiness, but it helps you look for it in a lot more places.

The Post Office is very careful nowadays. When they get a package marked "Fragile," they throw it underhand.

I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat.

Now that doctors have stopped making house calls, lots of patients now have to die without their help.

I take New Years with a grain of salt and three aspirins.

It's rough to go through life with your contents looking as if they settled during shipping.

When I was in school, one of my teachers was crazy about me. I once heard her tell another teacher, "I wish he was my kid for one day!"

At the Christmas party, the secretary with the long red hair ate three pickles, and four salesmen panicked.

People say I owe a lot to television. The fact is I was a star long before television. What TV made me is unemployed.

I bought my son a bat for Christmas. On New Year's it flew away.

My sister-in-law found a real surprise in her stockings - my brother.

Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.

This is how it is today: The teachers are afraid of the principals. The principals are afraid of the superintendents. The superintendents are afraid of the board of education. The board is afraid of the parents. The parents are afraid of the children. The children are afraid of nothing!

There are a lot of things money can't buy. Not one of them is on my son's list.

I bought my kid an educational toy to help him make it through life. No matter how you put it together, it's wrong.

I was in a department store and I saw a weird-looking gadget. I asked the young saleslady what it was. She answered, "It doesn't do anything. It's just a Christmas gift."

She was nice to him on Valentine's Day. She gave him a heart-shaped rash.

My son gave me a nice bottle of cologne - Eau de Owe.

I never stole a joke in my life. I just find them before they're lost.

I'd rather be a 'could-be' if I cannot be an 'are' because a 'could-be' is a 'maybe' who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a 'has-been' than a 'might-have-been' by far; for a 'might-have-been' has never been, but a 'has' was once an 'are.

War toys are scary. They have a rocket launcher with a bayonet attached, in case you miss.

My brother applied for work, but was told by the company that it had more employees than it needed. My brother said, "Don't worry. The little bit of work I do won't be noticed !!!"

I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?

Committee - a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours.

I have a file of four million jokes ... I have them cross-indexed. Whatever subject you want, I have a joke on it.

You can't believe everything you hear, but it's fun to repeat it anyway.

In the suburbs it's hard to buy your Christmas gifts early in the year. You never know who your friends will be in December.

Some kids want to know why the teachers get paid when it's the kids who have to do all the work.

The only place success comes before is in the dictionary

She wanted an Italian sports car - with the sport still in it.

My wife can't figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who's had everything up to here?

Sex at eighty-four is terrific, especially the one in the winter.

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.

My son asked for very little - a kickstand, with a motorcycle attached.

My son really has the spirit of Valentine's Day. When he was in college, he used to send his mother a heart-shaped box of laundry.

You look like a normal person, if you can find a normal person who wants to look like that.

What an orchestra! They just sit there, but their minds are thousands of miles away with their bookies.

Jews don't drink much because it interferes with their suffering.

I bought a Christmas tree for twenty dollars. When I came home the next day, my wife was wearing it in her hair.

Remember when you had your face lifted ... and the guy brought it back.

I bought my mother-in-law a beautiful chair for Christmas, but she won't let me plug it in.

Money can't buy you happiness. It just helps you look for it in more places.

The only thing that can break a piece of Valentine candy is another piece of Valentine candy.

Now a 'funnyman' can get a laugh before opening his mouth - looking funny. Lou Costello was one of your great funnymen. Harry Langdon, Larry Semon; they were all funnymen - they looked funny. W.C. Fields was never a comedian. Slim Summerville was a comedian, yet looked funny. Now if you have both attributes, you are in good shape.

A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, "Did you miss a step?"
"No," he answers, "I hit every one of them!

Every year my boss used to give me a bottle of expensive brandy because I'd told him that my doctor suggested a drink once in a while. This year my boss gave me the name of a new doctor.

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

He was such a bad writer, they revoked his poetic license.

They've finally comes up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.

It's always consoling to know that today's Christmas gifts are tomorrow's garage sales.

You're aging when your actions creak louder than your words.

I really doubt whether evolution ever works, how then come Mothers have only two hands

For Christmas the just came out with a battery-operated battery. But the batteries aren't included.

I bought an ideal gift for my mother-in-law - a battery-operated mouth.

I like to do things for my wife on Valentine's Day. I open the door for her when she puts laundry in the washing machine.

I bought my son an indestructible toy. Yesterday he left it in the driveway. It broke my car.

I gave my wife a gift certificate for Christmas. She ran out to exchange it for a bigger size.

My son has a big Christmas problem - what do you buy for a father who has everything and you're using it?

Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?

Like every comedian, if I heard a joke that I thought would work, I used it.

We owe a lot to Thomas Edison-if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.

All my wife wanted for Valentine's Day was a little card - American Express.

They've got plastic Christmas trees now. They're hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.

Talk about cheap - on Christmas Eve, my neighbour shoots off three blanks and tells his kids Santa Claus just committed suicide.

I received a lot of complaints from parents who wrote and told me that their kids wouldn't go to sleep until our show was over. So I went on the air and told all the children watching to 'listen to their Uncle Miltie and go to bed right after the show.'

There's a difference between being a comic and a comedian. A comic is a guy who says funny things, and a comedian is a guy who says things funny, and he has a style and point of view that will last much longer.

In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn't say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours.

I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn't give her a fancy gift. And I didn't.

At eighty-two, I feel like a twenty-year-old, but, unfortunately, there's never one around.

I have a brother who is afraid to go to sleep, he dreams he's working.

Sir, I didn't deserve the grade you gave me on this test. Do you know a lower one?

Our tree was so puny we used orthopedic bulbs.

Valentine's Day - a nice holiday because it's the first day of the rest of your wife.

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

I don't mind personal insults, but when you insult the jokes that I tell you're insulting Fred Allen, Bob Hope, Burns and Allen, Trevor McGee and Molly Picon.

I know why superman left krypton. Earth was the only place where he could get steriods!

My wife and I were shopping for the whole family. In the music department my wife said, "Let's get your nephew a set of drums. That's what your brother did to us last year."

If you hire relatives, you'll have a payroll that won't quit.

It's amazing how fast later comes when you buy now.

Our local department store had two Santas - one for regular kids and one for kids who wanted ten toys or less.

Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list

I live to laugh, and I laugh to live.

My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don't try to run her life, and I don't try to run mine.