Humorous Golf Quotes

I don't fear death, but I sure don't like those three-footers for par. ~ Chi Chi Rodriguez

Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you're not good at them. ~ Kevin Costner

I was three over. One over a house, one over a patio, and one over a swimming pool. ~ George Brett

If there is any larceny in a man, golf will bring it out. ~ Paul Gallico

I went to play golf and tried to shoot my age, but I shot my weight instead. ~ Bob Hope

There is absolutely nothing humorous at the Masters. Here, small dogs do not bark and babies do not cry. ~ Gary Player

I have been an avid reader of 'Golf Digest' ever since I started playing this great game. ~ Paula Creamer

Have you ever actually listened to golfers talking to each other? "Looked good starting out ... " "Better direction than last time ... " "Who's away? ... " It sounds like visitors' day at a home for the criminally insane. ~ Peter Andrews

I'm sure she didn't mean what she said. Life's too short to hold grudges."
"No, you just have to organize your time better," Elaine said. "I believe in grudges. They help you survive. ~ M.J. Mandrake

Don't Spit in the Soup, We All Gotta Eat ~ Lyndon B. Johnson

Actually, performing is a lot like golf. You are alone, so vulnerable. ~ Cathy Rigby

He's an even-tempered stallion. What he lacks in stamina he makes up for in speed, kind of like most of the men I've slept with. ~ Lila Shaw

$100,000 donors buy access to Congress and the White House. We believe it's long past time to clean up Washington. ~ William J. Clinton

Golf is a game you can never get too good at. You can improve, but you can never get to where you master the game. ~ Gay Brewer

From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it. ~ Groucho Marx

just when I start to think Facebook is okay, I get 25 FarmVille requests". ~ Anonymous

Well, Ben says you have to be married to get a girl pregnant. And me and Cindy are not married, so she couldn't get pregnant, see? ~ Scylar Tyberius

If You Lose Your Keys, At Least It's Better Than Losing Your Car. ~ Edward Harris

I didn't feel strong. I felt like a big ball of wuss that wanted to curl up in my bed and never get out. ~ Diane Castle

This is the staff sergeant coming out," Kelly told Hagan quietly. "I'm used to it."
Hagan looked him up and down, narrowing his eyes. "You come like a fire hose when he gives you an order, don't you?"
"Only if he tells me to," Kelly countered with a smirk. ~ Abigail Roux

But I think a life of raising prize cattle, going shooting two or three times a year, fishing in the summer, and interspersing the whole thing with some golf and bridge - and whenever I felt like talking or writing, doing it with abandon and with no sense of responsibility whatsoever - maybe such a life wouldn't be so bad. ~ Dwight D. Eisenhower

Everything is uncomfortable for the first time: School, Smoking or Sex. ~ Aakash Deep

It's a wonderful way to live, and not a bad way to go, either. The average Frenchman is still smiling three months after he's dead. ~ Bob Hope

It's never just a game when you're winning. ~ George Carlin

Every golfer has at least 14 enemies: his clubs. ~ Dan Jenkins

The brussels sprout. This is also the worst vegetable of next year. ~ Steven Rubenstein

Only one golfer in a thousand grips the club lightly enough. ~ Johnny Miller

There are more old drunkards than old physicians. ~ Francois Rabelais

He charged the ranks of the goblins of Mount Gram in the Battle of the Green Fields, and knocked their king Golfimbul's head clean off with a wooden club. It sailed a hundred yards through the air and went down a rabbit-hole, and in this way the battle was won and the game of Golf invented at the same moment. ~ J.R.R. Tolkien

It takes hundreds of good golf shots to gain confidence, but only one bad one to lose it. ~ Jack Nicklaus

Forgive me ... I called you an idiot. I spoke too hastily. You are not. Had I given it more thought, I would have called you a scoundrel. ~ Lloyd Alexander

The good chip allows you to whistle while you walk in the dark alleys of golf. ~ Tommy Bolt

There are few things more discomfiting than a spontaneous outburst of genuine decency from someone you're determined to dislike for no good reason. ~ Gregory David Roberts

There are truths of which I have an inkling, but of most I have only a pencilling ~ Robert Breault

When you are too old to play golf, you had better die. ~ King Edward VIII

Just tell him to keep his hands to himself and his python in his pants. ~ Evangeline Anderson