MaryJanice Davidson Quotes

I suppose I should say something negative about vampires living in sin," Father Markus said, "but that seems to be the least of your problems.

Yeah, well, it's been a super fun week. And by 'super fun' I mean 'horrible and endless'.

Leave it to a vampire to think a healthy guy in his late thirties or early forties was on his deathbed.

Don't look at his groin. Don't look at his groin. Don't mention that he doesn't have a vagina, so 'we' is bullshit. This is not the time to mention your pet peeve about expectant fathers talking how 'we' are having a baby. Don't. Don't.

I own two beautiful homes, and I'm always half-expecting the cops to pull in, seize me with firm compassion, and escort me out.

Fredrika Bimm, what do you think you're doing?"
"Freaking out. Losing my mind. Thinking about snapping your husband's spine. Squashing the urge to vomit. Wishing I had died at childbirth."
"Oh, you say that when you don't get a prize in your Lucky Charms.

I'm more to my family than a wonderful, luminous cook. I'm also a wonderful, luminous butler and a wonderful, luminous chauffer. And checkbook. I'm a luminous checkbook, too.

All this to say of course Gallo wants to get into your Little Mermaid panties. And if you don't get that, you're dumber than I ever thought, which gives me such a headache to even contemplate. The massive amount of your dumbness. It hurts me,' he whined.

I've got a folder full of rejection slips that I keep. Know why? Because those same editors are now calling my agent hoping I'll write a book or novella for them. Things change. A rejection slip today might mean a frantic call to your agent in six months.

Being a writer is great, and being a parent is great, and I hate Marching Band.

I walked in on my folks doing it doggy style less than four hours ago."
"Waitress!" Jonas screamed, clicking his fingers madly. "Bring two!" then, more quietly,"You want a neck massage? A bedtime story? A bullet in the ear?

I was so furious I was actually dizzy with it. There were so many bitchy, sarcastic observations to make, I was having a sarcasm stroke. My God! You people! You're - you're so stupid you're making my eyeballs throb. They're throbbing, dammit!

What can I say? Death is messy. And she had it coming.

I'm in a Roadrunner cartoon, Sinclair. And I'm the coyote.

There's more than one way for a girl to Google a cat.

Getting back to the issue of the child," Tina said, harshing our buzz as visual, "I really think you should reconsider. He - "
The phone rang. She picked it up, glanced at the caller ID.
"We're kind of busy," I said, a little sharply. The phone was a whole thing between Tina and me.
"But - "
"If it's important, they'll call back."
"But it's your mother."
I practically snarled. The phone, the fucking phone! People used it the way they used to use the cat-o'-nine-tails. You had to drop everything and answer the fucking thing. And God help you if you were home and, for whatever reason, didn't answer. "But I called!" Yeah, it was convenient for you so you called. But I'm in the shit because it wasn't convenient for me to drop everything and talk to you, on the spot, for whatever you needed to talk about.

Okay. And you'll, uh, make sure he doesn't hurt anybody when he's, you know, nutty and out of his mind with blood lust?" For the next ten years?
Liam winced (well, he blinked), but Sophie soldiered on. "My queen, I have experience in these matters. Guarding young vampires
I
all will be as you wish."
Yeah, right. That'd be a fucking first.

I fucking hate tomato juice! It's like drinking red snot.

WHEN I finally slowed and looked around, I saw with amazement I'd trotted sixteen blocks in about three minutes. Summer Olympics, here I come. Assuming they held the races at night.

To paraphrase Stephen King, sometimes an accident can be an unhappy woman's best friend. Put

A grumpy vampire is a homicidal vampire. Hungry ones were even worse.

I really did have my reasons. I don't blame you for being mmpphhh-phargle.
She mmpphh-phargled because he tugged her into his embrace and buried his nose in her hair.

I can't not write funny. It's literally the only way I know how to do it.

When I first quit my day job, I was terrified. I called my editors and said I'm trying to make a go of this, and they threw every contract at me they could. And for two years, I had a book or an anthology out every month.

It's inappropriate for the queen of the dead to be afraid of
ghosts.

Jessica peeked into the bathroom, then hurried back to report. "They got that boy stripped mother naked and they're scrubbing him with your brand-new loofah."
I winced. Thirty-seven ninety-nine at The Body Shop, kaput.

I stared harder. Come on, vampire mojo. Do your thing. "Don't. Kill. Yourself."
"Why. Are you. Talking. Like this?

Look, nobody's trying to kill me right now and that's just fine. If they don't
like me, that's just how it goes. I got over needing people to LIKE me in tenth
grade, when I spied the captain of the cheerleading squad on her knees in
front of the offensive line of the football team under the bleachers, one day after school. I figured that wasn't the life for me.

My 20s were a blizzard of rejection slips.

Might as well toss this, Chickie, it's ruined. What was it like, getting shot?"
"What kind of a dumb ass question is that from a guy who went to medical school? It hurt!

Friends are such a mixed blessing.

Mom, he was fucking my mother. He's a motherfucker!
- Sleeping with the Fishes

What's amazing is that she was possessed by Satan for almost a year and nobody noticed anything unusual!

I might occasionally forget how to open a car door and have too many shower curtains, but I've got some standards.

I've always assumed he'd be around to be, you know, yelled at and taken for granted. And of course I was wrong. Nobody's going to put up with that forever.

...But that is not my scene and I'm outta here."
His hand shot out and grabbed me above the elbow. "Indeed, but you'll accompany me, I think." The stone face cracked and he almost smiled. "I insist on the pleasure of your company. We have much to talk about."
"My ass!

A gold cage is still a cage.
-King David I
Oh, go cry in a bag of money.
-Queen Christina

Quit doing your game show host schtick, Marc," I ordered. "You're confusing the vampires. They're not big TV watchers."
"Certainly not daytime television," Sinclair sniffed.

How's your grandpa?"
"Still worried that your blackness will infect me."
"That's the plan. First you, then all the other blondes, and then on to brunettes and redheads. Once we have the womenfolk, all the babies will come out black, too. We all voted on the plan at the last Black Conspirators meeting.

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First of all, skim? That's white water. That's all skim milk is: they take out all the wonderful stuff that makes milk taste like milk and replace it with white water and people actually drink that shit.

Can you burn me up with holy water? Poke me to death with your crucifix? Pelt me with communion wafers?

The silly antics that would get me in trouble at school have put me on the best-seller list. So I guess the moral here is ignore your teach ... never mind. That's not the moral. Probably.

I love interviews, meeting fans, teaching workshops, giving speeches ... all of it.

I mean, not that I killed her just to get the car, or anything.

He turned to her and pressed a kiss to the corner of her mouth. When he spoke his deep voice vibrated all through her. 'I. Remember. Everything.

I'm so dull, the fucking cat runs away about three times a month just to get a little excitement. And

I like the idea of federal employees licensed to carry weapons who are also heavily medicated; it just works for me on all sorts of levels.

I turned. Tall, Dark, and Sinister was rapidly approaching.

You do not go near them. You do not allow them to touch you. If one does touch you, I will eat his spine."
"It's good," she commented, "that we're establishing rules. For instance, being a newcomer here, I might not understand the whole 'don't touch or be devoured' guideline ... "
-Prince Maltese and Lt. Anne

Honestly. Do guys really think that will fool us? 'Whoa, hi there, John. Gosh, for a second there I thought you were going bald, but I see now that you have a full, lush head of hair. Which grows sideways from left to right in sticky strands. Have I ever been this sexually excited? I think not.

Has anyone ever told you that you lack focus?

What it comes down to is this, Betsy: you do what you need to, and then you haul ass out of there. Every single time.

I've been stabbed before. Barely a week ago, in fact. AND I've been audited, AND I come from a broken home. In short - no offense, shorty - you don't scare me.

Interesting shade #23 Lush Golden Blonde highlights. Heyyyyyy ... The woman in the awful suit was me! The woman in the cheap shoes was me!

I once came back from a book tour where sleek black cars driven by nice men in black suits waited for me at every hotel, took me to every signing, brought me back, opened car doors for me. They were great. I was great. It was a wonderful tour.

We have souls. Sure we do. Otherwise we'd do bad things all the time. You know, like
politicians.

It's Privacy, Please, for the Penguins.

He said my name the way diabetics talked about hot fudge sundaes.

It's a long story. Prepared to be regaled.

I could have gone to medical school, I said. Except for all the math and stuff.

I'm really fortunate that I type 120 words a minute.

I've found I can plunge the characters into whatever absurd, awful situation, and readers will follow as long as the writer makes them seem like 'real people.'

He's all right. His hair is cute."
Jonas froze, his lobster fork halfway to his mouth. " Oh my God, you're in love."
"I'm not in love."
"'his hair is cute'? You never say anything nice about anyone. Coming from you, cute hair is a mating call."
" I talked to the guy for thirty seconds. And then he waved at me while i was in the tank."
"Holy fuck, you're getting married, aren't you!"
" Will you simmer. I certainly am not.

Sinclair doesn't love your sister."
"Not yet." I said darkly. "Give him time."
"Look, I'm sure he's interested in her - "
"Wait till you see her. Just wait."
"Like he doesn't have pussy thrown at him from cars?"
"What a horrifying mental image.

So you're a vampire?"
"Yes. But don't be scared. I'm still a nice person.

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Darling, I have a penis. Ergo I have no preferences.

Getting gratitude is becoming a thing with you, but even so, you're the worst Antichrist ever," Jessica said. "Which is actually comforting. Stay close.

Crying's okay while it lasts, but you can only do it for so long. And it's weird to do it when you apparently can't make tears anymore (did this mean I wouldn't pee or sweat, either?). Anyway, eventually you're done, and you have to figure out what to do next.

Somehow, when I wasn't looking, somehow because it's electronic mail, none of the basic grammar rules applied.

I - I adore you, too. Well, I don't know if I adore you. That's not really the word I'd use. But I - I - " I managed to wrench it out. God, this was hard! "I love you."
"Of course you do," he said, totally unsurprised.
"WHAT? I finally tell you my deepest, most personal feelings and you're all, 'Yeah, I already got that memo'? This, this is why you drive me nuts! This is why it's so hard to tell you things! I take it back.

My my Laura Goodman. I must say that is a charming name for a charming young lady."
"Eric's old." I broke in. "Really really old."
"Er - really?" Laura asked. "Gosh you don't look even out of your thirties."
"Tons of face-lifts. He's a surgical addict. I'm trying to get him help." I added defensively when they both gave me strange looks.

I'm the wife of a king, and the mother of kings. And I'm not asking you, I'm telling you. So fuck off, Jack.- Queen Christina (The Royal Treatment)

They weren't moving. Perhaps I was dazzling then with my ineptitude. It had happened before.

The mouth of a passionate lover ... or a woman who would bite when she was angry.

You'll pay," she said stonily. "You won't be like this by this time tomorrow."
"Bored and pissed off? God, I hope not.

Andrew Vachss, the best noir-ey writer in the history of the genre, called cats the lap dancers of the animal world. Give them attention, they're there. Stop, they're outta there.

Zombieland reference," Jon said, nodding.
"How do you know that? That's a thousand-year-old reference!" I looked at laura. "I can't think of a single movie from a thousand years ago."
"Uh ... Betsy ... "
"Don't say it." You know how you don't know how stupid something is until you hear yourself say it? That happened to me a lot.

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George you were very very bad to run away from Alice. Very bad But you were very good to stomp Sinclair when he was being a dick so I think we'll call this a wash.

Magic: The Gathering is like Dungeons and Dragons if D&D was played with cards and didn't take 18 weeks.

You just never knew when a totally normal vampire errand would end in a bloodbath with severed-limb soap.

When I wrote the first Betsy book, 'Undead and Unwed,' I had no idea, none, that it would be a career-defining, genre-defining book, the first of over a dozen in the series, the first of over 70 published books, the first on my road to the best-seller list, the first on my road to being published in 15 countries.

You have attained maturity; display it for us, if you please.

I'm rubber and you're glue," I told Satan, " and everything that bounces of me sticks to you.

Take your hands off her, Sinclair told the guy behind me, Or they'll write books about what I'll do to you.

Never let your fiend off his leash unless there's lots of room to run (and no people around).

Wow, girlfriend, you're incompatible with life!
And here I thought I was just incompatible with pink.