Coffee Humor Quotes

After a geological epoch passed in which single-celled organisms evolved into talk show hosts, Mr. Coffee was still holding out on me. ~ Darynda Jones

Well, I've almost got the problem licked. I'm eighty now, and in a few more years, I think I'll have it completely under control. (referring to his love of coffee) ~ J. Golden Kimball

Mrs. Windemere always had a cup of hot coffee waiting for me. Black, which, she said, was the only way to drink it if you wanted to be awake to serve the god of Creativity ~ Gary D. Schmidt

I decipher the brewing machine because I am, after all, trained to save lives, and this is a life-or-death situation. We need coffee. Now. Or heads will roll. ~ Lisa Wingate

A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ... " ~ Emo Philips

…he quit drinking coffee, and naturally, his brain stopped working. ~ Orhan Pamuk

I'd like to THANK whoever saw a
bunch of cherries and thought ...
HEY!! If I dry out a bunch of those berry seeds, call them "BEANS", smash them and add hot water, it will be AWESOME! ~ Tanya Masse

Asking me to do ANYTHING before I've had my first cup of coffee should be an episode on 1000 Ways to DIE. ~ Tanya Masse

I USED TO
make love.
Now I
Make coffee. ~ Chocolate Waters

I don't care if we're on our way to look at the dismembered corpse of the pope, I want coffee. ~ D.D. Barant

I should never do anything pre-coffee.

'It was only a teeny fire,' I told my uncle over the phone. ~ Cindy Brown

Just kick ass, chew bubble gum, and drink black coffee. ~ Christopher Josephs

What doesn't KILL me makes me stronger ... Except for the extinction of COFFEE ... that might kill me. ~ Tanya Masse

COFFEE! Because this body is NOT going to wake itself up! ~ Tanya Masse

I like my coffee like I like myself ... making rustling noises inside a burlap bag ~ Josh Stern

My queendom for a coffee! ~ Chris Lange

I need to espresso love by whatever beans necessary. ~ Anyta Sunday

Want coffee?" I asked, as I headed that way.
"It's three thirty in the morning."
"Okay. Want coffee? ~ Darynda Jones

The Lord must have created coffee to reward humans for those bad times they sometimes have on Earth. Having charged your heart and brain with a cup of coffee, you're ready to face the challenges of life. A good cup of coffee makes life seem better. ~ Sahara Sanders

I don't see the point in caffeine without coffee. Or coffee without caffeine, for that matter, I informed him. ~ Robyn Schneider

Tea? Good God, no. It's mud. How the British ever built an empire drinking the filthy stuff is beyond me. And if we carry on drinking it, I've no doubt that the empire won't last much longer. No, a civilized person drinks coffee. ~ Charlie Higson

I need COFFEE to help me change the things I can ... and WINE to help me accept the things I can't! ~ Tanya Masse

Rule number one: wear loose clothing.

No Problem.

Rule number two: no alcohol for the next three days.

Slight problem. I'll miss my evening glass of wine but figure I can go for three days without and compensate later.

And the last rule: absolutely no coffee or tea or caffeine of any kind.

Big problem. This rule hits me like a sucker punch and sure would have knocked me to the floor had I not been sitting there already. I'm eying the exits, plotting my escape. I knew enlightenment came at a price, but i had no idea the price was this steep. A sense of real panic sets in. How am I going to survive for the next seventy-two hours without a single cup of coffee? ~ Eric Weiner

You'd have coffee on a drip if you could, wouldn't you? ~ Kristina Adams

Having charged your heart and brain with a cup of coffee, you're ready to face the challenges of life. ~ Sahara Sanders

Considering the number of ghastly love poems that had been written and which seemed fairly clearly a waste of everyone's time, Jonathan couldn't help but be surprised that coffee hadn't been thus immortalized. ~ James P. Blaylock

Bob poured and brought two cups over, hardly rattling them on the saucers. "Drink up. This should restore your inner bitch." Bailey scowled at him. "See?" he said. "It's working already, and all you've had is fumes. ~ Mark All

I don't really like coffee, she said, but I don't really like it when my head hits my desk when I fall asleep either. ~ Brian Andreas

The job market, however, proved distressingly uncooperative. All of the local barista positions had been filled by more enterprising philosophy majors, and Arthur lacked the skills to do much beyond make a cup of coffee. ~ J. Zachary Pike

The fact that Cooper Dayton was running down the side streets of Bethesda and not driving back to D.C. by now was proof that his father had been dead wrong. His haircut was plenty professional. Too professional, even. How else could Ben Pultz have made him as a federal agent from thirty feet away and taken off running? Not from his jeans and T-shirt. Not from the weapons carefully hidden under his intentionally oversized jacket. It had to be the bureau-regulation hair. Apparently Pultz didn't think he looked like a "boy band reject," though Cooper doubted his dad, Sherriff Dayton, would be swayed by the opinion of a fleeing homicide suspect. ~ Charlie Adhara

Hiya, Aunty Wren!" Francesca shouted, waving her arms as if her aunt were several thousand feet away. "Wait a minute," she said, putting a finger to her lips, "I knows how you hates to be called 'Wren.' Should I call you Aunty Wyno? Or should I call you what Toby calls you? Toby calls you ah BEE EYE TEE SEE --"

"Aunt Wren is fine," said Wynona through clenched teeth. ~ Ash Gray

I'm a writer, not a DJ. I don't take requests. ~ Kate LeDonne Black

This is a free country, madam. We have a right to share your privacy in a public place. ~ Peter Ustinov

I was raised right - I talk about people behind their backs. It's called manners. ~ Kathy Griffin

Quick! To the Bat-Fax! ~ Bill Watterson

All women know that bridesmaid dresses are a secret plot if the devil. ~ Helena S. Paige

Go out and ask her into the alley."
Clay looked at Jeremy as if he'd just been told to dance the rumba on a public thoroughfare.
I bit back a laugh. "Just walk over to her and point at the alley. Maybe say…I don't know…something like 'fifty bucks.' " I looked at Jeremy. "Does that sound right? Fifty?"
His brows shot up. "Why are you asking me?"
"I wasn't - I just meant, as a general…" I threw up my hands. "How am I supposed to know how much a hooker costs? ~ Kelley Armstrong

He lied to you too, Sophie"

"I know," I said softly.

"You're risking that adorable little neck of yours for an asshole."

"I am," I admitted. The fountain was now a blur as the wind played with the carefully structured pattern of the water. "But here's the thing...he's my asshole."

"Is this about ownership?" Marcus asked incredulously, "Or is it about love?"

"It's about love," I whispered. "Marcus I...I love my asshole, okay? I love him so much. ~ Kyra Davis

I'd like to thank my parents for making this night possible. And my children for making it necessary. ~ Victor Borge

Your kids pissing you off is an inborn instinct. It's nature's way of getting you to kick them out when they turn 18!
Okaaay. ~sigh~ Due to the times, you can kick them out between the ages of 28-38. Can someone please dramatically reduce the cost of housing, already?
~SHEESH~ ~ Dakota Dawn

Nothing says failed lesbianism quite like an accidental pregnancy. ~ Carlie Martece

If you were anyone else, your nuts would be taking a long vacation, and the destination would be out of your mouth ~ J.A. Saare

She juts out her lower jaw, a purposeful imitation of Daddy Eric when she asks him a question with an answer that isn't yes right away, but will be yes eventually if she waits long enough. ~ Paul Tremblay

God really must have had a sense of humor, because if I had to name my biggest turn-on, it was literature. And he had just recommended a book that I didn't know, that wasn't taught in school. If I were single, there would be no better pick-up line. ~ Kody Keplinger

John F. Kennedy "is, in reality, a deeply serious man, reflective in his mental habits, historically minded, and given to seeing men and nations and events in the sobering context that history provides.

As a human being, he is often humorous, easily bored by total routine but open to all fresh experiences, careless of the superficialities of life, warmly loyal to his friends, and oddly detached about himself. His most curious trait, in fact, is his way of discussing his most vital affairs with the dry humor and cool analytical remoteness that most people reserve for the affairs of others. – Joseph Alsop ~ David Pietrusza

As I raced out of the office, I could hear Emily rapid-fire dialing four-digit extensions and all but screaming, 'She's on her way
tell everyone.' It took me only three seconds to wind through the hallways and pass through the fashion department, but I had already heard panicked cries of 'Emily said she's on her way in' and 'Miranda's coming!' and a particularly blood curdling cry of 'She's baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack! ~ Lauren Weisberger

This is what life is about: seeing new places, meeting new people, grabbing life by the balls and squeezing until it coughs up a story worth telling. ~ Ruth Cardello

Speak your mind, but ride a very fast horse!! ~ John Wain

There should be a rule against people trying to be funny before the sun comes up. ~ Kristen Chandler

Getting cut off from the knights' magic rock also required a period of exile from their giant glass mushroom.
(Those of you in the Hushlands, I dare you to work that last sentence into a conversation. "By the way, Sally, did you know that getting cut from the knight's magic rock also requires a period of exile from their giant glass mushroom?")
~ Brandon Sanderson

Mutations are exciting. They try to fix 'em when they come out. Did you see the two-headed baby they killed last month when they tried to cut it apart? That was hilarious! ~ Doug Stanhope

I don't believe this. This is utter shit!" I yelled.
"Does it look like I'm lying?" Steven asked.
I rolled my eyes at his incredibly stupid question, "I don't know. Let me look at you with my x-ray vision to see through this stupid blindfold and I'll get back to you. ~ Sara Massa

Everyone is guilty at one time or another of throwing out questions that beg to be ignored, but mothers seem to have a market on the supply. "Do you want a spanking or do you want to go to bed?" Don't you want to save some of the pizza for your brother?" Wasn't there any change? ~ Erma Bombeck

Once, on a walk by a river- Eskdale in low reddish sunlight, with a dusting of snow- his daughter quoted to him an opening verse by her favourite poet. Apparently, not many young women loved Phillip Larkin the way she did. 'If I were to construct a religion/ I should make use of water.' She said she liked the laconic use of 'called in'- as if he would be, as if anyone ever is. They stopped to drink coffee from a flask, and Perowne, tracing a line of lichen with a finger, said that if he ever got the call, he'd make us of evolution. What better creation myth? An unimaginable sweep of time, numberless generations spawning by infinitesimal steps complex living beauty out of inert matter, driven on by the blind furies of random mutation, natural selection and environmental change, with the tragedy of forms continually dying, and lately the wonder of minds emerging and with them morality, love, art, cities- and the unprecedented bonus of this story happening to be demonstrably true. ~ Ian McEwan

The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions. ~ George Carlin

There's more to this amazing body than awe-inspiring abs. I have a pair of ears, too, and they happen to work superbly. ~ Kody Keplinger

How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes ... dies. ~ George Carlin

God told me to strike at Al Qaeda and I struck them, and then he instructed me to strike at Saddam, which I did. ~ George W. Bush

I don't see why you two can't get along."
"It is a personality issue," Rathenridge muttered.
Dentin looked at him. No emotion, no reaction, simply bland observation. "Yours? ~ Rachel Rossano

Find 100 reasons to laugh. You are bound to feel better, you will cope with problems more effectively and people will enjoy being around you. Besides unhappiness, what do you have to lose? ~ Steve Goodier

This isn't the first time I've used this, and the test subject showed no signs of impaired cognitive ability."
"Who was the test subject?" asked Aurora.
"I test everything out on myself before taking it into the field."
She stared at him. "You zapped your own brain?"
"And it didn't do me any harm apart from the dizziness and the vomiting spells and the weirdly persistent ringing in my ears. Also the blackouts and the mood swings and the creeping paranoia. Apart from that, zero side effects, if you don't count the numb fingertips. Which I don't. ~ Derek Landy

Mairi stared at Parlabane with an expression he had seen too often down the years: that look of distress at having discovered precisely how deep the rabbit hole goes, and what darkness lay at its end. ~ Christopher Brookmyre

Derisively, Ronan said, 'No. The ancient Greeks didn't have a word for Blue.'
Everyone at the table looked at him.
'What the hell, Ronan?' said Adam.
'It's hard to imagine," Gansey mused, 'how this evidently successful classical education never seems to make it into your school papers.'
'They never ask the right questions,' Ronan replied. ~ Maggie Stiefvater

Human history is full of depressing things like colonization, disease, racism, sexism ... inventions of things which they had no idea how to handle (the atomic bomb, the Internet, the semicolon) ... And through it all there has always been some truly awful food. ~ Matt Haig

Some people say, "I only want to do God's work." How do you know what God's work is?? ~ Art Hochberg

I told a doctor once, Doc, if you want to know what's inside of me, put down the x-ray and pick up my novel! ~ Gerard De Marigny

Live by the three 'F' rule: If they don't fuck you, feed you or finance you, they don't matter. - Maya Josephs, Prima of the Ridgeville Pride ~ Celia Kyle

Ride?" Rhage snorted. "Please. That thing is a sewing machine with an air dam taped to it. My GTO could dust the fucker in fourth gear from a dead stop."
When there was an odd sound from behind, John looked back. So did the three Brothers.
"What." Xhex bristled and crossed her arms over her chest. "I can laugh, you know. And that's ... pretty damn funny."
Rhage beamed. "I knew I liked you. ~ J.R. Ward

In fact the Gods were as puzzled by all this as the wizards were, but they were powerless to do anything and in any case were engaged in an eons-old battle with the Ice Giants, who had refused to return the lawnmower. ~ Terry Pratchett

You were the one who threatened us with an Inquisitor," the Bishop reminded him. With a smile.
The Speaker's smile was just as chilly. "And you're the one who told the people I was Satan and they shouldn't talk to me. ~ Orson Scott Card

Coffee is the highlight of my day. After coffee everything is downhill. ~ Bill Simmons

Isaac Newton was born at Woolsthorpe, near Grantham, in Lincolnshire, 1642: a weakly and diminutive infant, of whom it is related that, at his birth, he might have found room in a quart mug. He died on March the 20th, 1727, after more than eighty-four years of more than average bodily health and vigour; it is a proper pendant to the story of the quart mug to state that he never lost more than one of his second teeth. ~ Augustus De Morgan

Yes, vanity is a weakness indeed. But pride - where there is a real superiority of mind, pride will be always under good regulation. ~ Jane Austen

Now,I'm no scientist,but I know what endorphins are. They're tiny little magical elves that swim through your blood stream and tell funny jokes to each other. When they reach your brain,you hear what they're saying and that boosts your health and happiness. "Knock Knock ... Who's There?.. Little endorphin ... Little endorphin who? ... Little Endorphin Annie." And then the endorphins laugh and then you laugh. See? Its Science. ~ Ellen DeGeneres

Ambulances were cool. "You just want to fondle my extraneous body parts," I said to the EMT as I picked up a silver gadget that looked disturbingly like an alien orifice probe, broke it, then promptly put it back, hoping it wouldn't leave someone's life hanging in the balance because the EMT couldn't alien-probe his orifices. ~ Darynda Jones

Now if you are told that some piece of information will come as a shock to you, the chances are that you will really feel shocked, even if the information itself isn't of the slightest importance. ~ Walter R. Brooks

The only thing which really seemed to pay off in life, if you went by Mary Pedersen's example, was sleeping with your superiors. ~ Jonas Eriksson