Parenthood Funny Quotes

No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I'm not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal. ~ Bill Cosby

Do not ask that your kids live up to your expectations. Let your kids be who they are, and your expectations will be in breathless pursuit. ~ Robert Breault

Parents are not interested in justice, they're interested in peace and quiet. ~ Bill Cosby

Although there are many trial marriages ... there is no such thing as a trial child. ~ Gail Sheehy

That looks like something out of the dumpster of planned parenthood. ~ Jim Norton

When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911. ~ Erma Bombeck

A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it. ~ Jerry Seinfeld

He knew you can't really be strong until you can see a funny side of things. ~ Ken Kesey

Puns are the highest form of literature. ~ Alfred Hitchcock

What does Christmas mean if we can't encourage small children to sit on a stranger's lap? ~ Ian O'Doherty

Peter Falk and Denis Leary today walked into a Starbucks and shot 27 people, without any announcement whatsoever. ~ Denis Leary

You see, in Washington they have these bodies, Senate and the House of Representatives. That is for the convenience of the visitors. If there is nothing funny happening in one, there is sure to be in the other, and in case one body passes a good bill, why, the other can see it in time and kill it. ~ Will Rogers

I remember the only time I ever saw my mother cry. I was eating apricot pie.
I remember how much I used to stutter.
I remember the first time I saw television. Lucille Ball was taking ballet lessons.
I remember Aunt Cleora who lived in Hollywood. Every year for Christmas she sent my brother and me a joint present of one book.
I remember a very poor boy who had to wear his sister's blouse to school.
I remember shower curtains with angel fish on them.
I remember very old people when I was very young. Their houses smelled funny.
I remember daydreams of being a singer all alone on a big stage with no scenery, just one spotlight on me, singing my heart out, and moving my audience to total tears of love and affection.
I remember waking up somewhere once and there was a horse staring me in the face.
I remember saying "thank you" in reply to "thank you" and then the other person doesn't know what to say.
I remember how embarrassed I was when other children cried.
I remember one very hot summer day I put ice cubes in my aquarium and all the fish died.
I remember not understanding why people on the other side of the world didn't fall off. ~ Joe Brainard

Dear Mr. Chance and Ms. Brattle. Sorry about the mess. Great bed. Loved it. As a matter of fact, loved the whole house. Actually, I tried to kill your kids when I found them here. Yeah, funny story. Maybe not funny, hah hah.'"
Astrid heard nervous laughter from the media people, or maybe just from the hotel staff who were hovering around the edges grabbing a glimpse of the Hollywood royalty.
"'Anyway, I missed and they got away. I don't know what will happen to Sanjit and that stick-up-his butt Choo and the rest, but whatever happens next, it's not on me. However . . .'"
Astrid took a dramatic pause.
"'However, the rest of what happened was on me. Me, Caine Soren. You'll probably be hearing a lot of crazy stories from kids. But what they didn't know was that it was all me. Me. Me me. See, I had a power I never told anyone about. I had the power to make people do bad things. Crimes and whatnot. Especially Diana, who never did anything wrong on her own, by her own will, I mean. She - and the rest of them - were under my control. The responsibility is on me. I confess. Haul me away, officers.'"
Astrid suddenly felt her throat tightening, although she'd read the letter many times already, and knew what it said. Rotten son of a . . . And then this.
Redemption. Not a bad concept.
Well, partial redemption.
"It's signed Caine Soren. And below that, 'King of the FAYZ.'"
It was a full confession. A lie: a blatant, not-very-convincing lie. Bu ~ Michael Grant

All paid jobs absorb and degrade the mind. ~ Aristotle.

Parents get all focused on themselves, and they see their little babies start walkin' and talkin', and since they kinda look like them and sound like the, they start thinking of those little babies as themselves....And then something funny happens. Those babies grow up to be kids and teenages and grown-ups in their own right....so everything the kids do, everything, is a betrayal. ~ Barry Lyga

If you really want to hear about it, the first thing you'll probably want to know is where I was born, and what my lousy childhood was like, and how my parents were occupied and all before they had me, and all that David Copperfield kind of crap, but I don't feel like going into it, if you want to know the truth. ~ J.D. Salinger

I hate that stuff. It tastes like feet."
At that he smiled. "How would you know what feet taste like?"
"I just know. ~ Cassandra Clare

You were down to earth and funny - not at all what I imagined a psychiatrist would be. This office was so bright and pretty that, no matter what I was worried about, as soon as I walked in here felt better. Some days, especially in the beginning, I didn't want to leave. (1) ~ Chevy Stevens

At the Theatre: To the Lady Behind Me

Dear Madam, you have seen this play;
I never saw it till today.
You know the details of the plot,
But, let me tell you, I do not.
The author seeks to keep from me
The murderer's identity,
And you are not a friend of his
If you keep shouting who it is.
The actors in their funny way
Have several funny things to say,
But they do not amuse me more
If you have said them just before;
The merit of the drama lies,
I understand, in some surprise;
But the surprise must now be small
Since you have just foretold it all.
The lady you have brought with you
Is, I infer, a half-wit too,
But I can understand the piece
Without assistance from your niece.
In short, foul woman, it would suit
Me just as well if you were mute;
In fact, to make my meaning plain,
I trust you will not speak again.
And - may I add one human touch? -
Don't breathe upon my neck so much. ~ A.P. Herbert

But sometimes, people kick you to the ground at recess because they think the shape of your eyes is funny. They lunge at you because they see a vulnerable body. Or a different skin color. Or a different name. Or a girl. They think that you won't hit back - that you'll just lower your eyes and hide. And sometimes, to protect yourself, to make it go away, you do.

But sometimes, you find yourself standing in exactly the right position, wielding exactly the right weapon to hit back. ~ Marie Lu

Biology doesn't make anyone a parent," Cassia added as she tucked her Eturian prayer stone beneath her shirt. ~ Melissa Landers

What a cool name. Where'd you get it?"
"I've always had it. ~ Marie Landry

Parenthood is the only career in which the better you do your job, the sooner you're fired. ~ Lisa Wingate

Better far off to leave half the ruins and nine-tenths of the churches unseen and to see well the rest; to see them not once, but again and often again; to watch them, to learn them, to live with them, to love them, till they have become a part of life and life's recollections. ~ Augustus Hare

We had an unspoken love for one another. Probably because she'd never talk to me or return my phone calls or texts. ~ Dark Jar Tin Zoo

Nate Silver is now forecasting Oscar winners. The only area of life in which he has no expertise, ironically, is life itself. ~ Norman Chad

Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do criticize him, you'll be a mile away and have his shoes. ~ Steve Martin

I have a passion for teaching kids to become readers, to become comfortable with a book, not daunted. Books shouldn't be daunting, they should be funny, exciting and wonderful; and learning to be a reader gives a terrific advantage. ~ Roald Dahl

You're a hopeless romantic," said Faber. "It would be funny if it were not serious. It's not books you need, it's some of the things that once were in books. The same things could be in the 'parlor families' today. The same infinite detail and awareness could be projected through the radios, and televisors, but are not. No,no it's not books at all you're looking for! Take it where you can find it, in old phonograph records, old motion pictures, and in old friends; look for it in nature and look for it in yourself. Books were only one type or receptacle where we stored a lot of things we were afraid we might forget. There is nothing magical in them at all. The magic is only in what books say, how they stitched the patches of the universe together into one garment for us. Of course you couldn't know this, of course you still can't understand what I mean when i say all this. You are intuitively right, that's what counts. ~ Ray Bradbury

In 'Sidney's Comet,' thanks to all the consumerism, all the garbage had to be put in deep space, even though we're not supposed to litter the cosmos - that was an environmental message. Although it was funny, it had an important message. ~ Brian Herbert

When I worked with Robin Williams, now there is improv! He is just as funny as you think he is. We did at least five or six takes of every scene, improvising every scene differently. He was a riot. ~ Stephen Root

Sarah is the most enthusiastic cynical person on the planet. She'd be the perfect cheerleader if she weren't so disgusted by the notion of school spirit. ~ Jandy Nelson

I do half the cooking, and by 'half' I mean three quarters," Dad pointed out. "And if you're going to turn up your nose at all my carnivorous delights, ingrate child, you can sit under the table and gnaw sadly on a raw Brussels sprout at mealtimes. ~ Sarah Rees Brennan

I think the second you think that you're funny is when you stop being funny. ~ Mila Kunis

In my defense, I was young and there was an open bar. ~ Jonathan Tropper

For every book you buy, you should buy the time to read it. ~ Karl Lagerfeld

Love's a funny thing, especially with a man who gets paid to put junk in other people's slots. (The Mail Man) ~ Andrew Sturm

Almightiness and wisdom combined will make no failures. ~ Charles Haddon Spurgeon

Funny, now I can see, how looks can be deceiving. ~ Elvis Costello

I failed in some subjects in exam, but my friend passed in all. Now he is an engineer in Microsoft and I am the owner of Microsoft. ~ Bill Gates

But, Grandmother, I am telling you it will take a man of magic to love me."
"Don't make such oaths, my girl," Grandmother Guri chortled. "Life has a funny way of twisting things. ~ K.M. Shea

There are also a number of humans living up there (Canada), and in many ways they have a lifestyle quite similar to ours, including such traditional American activities as driving Japanese cars. ~ Dave Barry

Yeah, it's a kodak moment. Quick, take a picture.
Sarah scoffs. I stick my tongue out at her. ~ Annie Brewer

She'd been in labor for nineteen hours; I completely understood why she wanted to pass the buck. 'You are so beautiful,' her husband crooned, holding up her shoulders.
'You are so full of shit,' Lila snarled, but as a contraction settled over her like a net, she bore down and pushed. ~ Jodi Picoult