Drew Carey Quotes

Welcome to 'Who's Line Is It Anyway' the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right the points are just like Canada.

Violence doesn't solve anything? World War I. World War II. Star Wars. Every Super Bowl. Who says violence doesn't solve anything?

I was in the band when I was a kid, I played the trumpet.

I can't do that. I'm already the single guy living in his parents' house. I can't be seen digging a grave in the middle of the night.

The difference between Las Vegas and Atlantic City is the difference between getting conned by a beautiful call girl and getting mugged by a crack head.

The Marines gave me a really strong sense of discipline and a work ethic that kicks in at my job.

The people of Cleveland hate soccer. But it's my favourite thing and I follow the U.S. men's national team around when they play whenever I can.

As far as exercising goes ... watch for my next book, How I died while Jogging.

I tried out for 'Jeopardy' once, when they came to Cleveland, but I didn't make it.

And for you kids watching at home, remember, the less homework you do and the closer you sit to the TV, the more points you get.

Look, this is an odd question, but you're kind of cute and you're pretty nice to me. Are you drunk? It's OK if you are.

'Green Screen' was a total experiment. I'm glad we did it, but it was just tough on that network to get it going.

'The Price Is Right,' it was an honor to be offered it because it's such an American institution. To be able to carry on this tradition with a show that has been on for so long, I thought it was a great opportunity for me.

The easiest diet is, you know, eat vegetables, eat fresh food. Just a really sensible healthy diet like you read about all the time.

Trust me, kids - your homework can wait. Don't need to be doing homework while Whose Line is on; skip it!

I could still eat a cheeseburger if I wanted to. I just can't have them every day.

Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so?
There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.

The first Monopoly game I played with my brothers, I hated losing so much, I just had to beat them.

I remember when I took a temp job ... so I got a job at a department store. Something temporary to put on my resume, my parents said. Yeah ... till I die!

My cranky cardiologist says I'm destined to die in the kitchen.

I don't know, people take chances on stage. It's a big free speech zone, a comedy show. So sometimes things happen, you say things that are a little bit off the edge.

I don't have a Bluetooth thing on my ear. That bugs me.

Hollywood people are filled with guilt: white guilt, liberal guilt, money guilt. They feel bad that they're so rich, they feel they don't work that much for all that money - and they don't, for the amount of money they make.

Exercise is the main thing that helped me lose weight.

If I wasn't a comic or TV star, I really wanted to be a photojournalist. That was my other dream job.

Eating crappy food isn't a reward -- it's a punishment.

I learned how to believe in myself. Learned how to set goals, you know, self help books man. I just read every single one I can get a hold of, and I still do.

I don't think there's hardly a comic out there that does clean material all the way around. There's a couple of guys that are clean, but I'm not one of them.

What good is democracy if you can't get what you want?

My fans are pretty normal, they are always really nice and polite, and they don't interrupt my meals.

Some people don't like competition because it makes them work harder, better.

There's nothing like the energy in a small comedy club room or a small theater when it's going really well. I can see everybody's face practically in the whole room. There's no cameras in the way, and it's just me.

I don't run outside, honestly. Sometimes I go out around my house, but mainly it's the stupid treadmill. I wish I had a better answer, but I'm very businesslike about my runs.

There's no way I can justify my salary level, but I'm learning to live with it.

But sports photography isn't something you just pick up overnight. You can't do it once a year for fun and expect to do a good job. And I take pride in what I do.

If you're wearing a Bluetooth thing and you've got that thing on your belt, you are working for somebody else. You are not the guy in charge. That's a really good social status indicator.

I'm a big believer in overcoming and achieving and doing things and not feeling sorry for yourself.

TV is easier: it's all planned out for you, and the audience is there to see a show and they are all pumped up, but when you are in a comedy club, you have to be really funny to win them over. To me, that's more pure.

I don't do one show and wish I was doing something else.

It should be up to each bar owner and patron to decide if they want to smoke or not.

I'm not against ratings per se. I think more information is always good. But I certainly don't think the government has to step in and set guidelines for how shows should be rated.

Nevada's one of the most conservative states in the Union, but you can do what you want in Vegas and nobody judges you.

You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.

I am never out there just jogging for the heck of it. I never do that. I start to run with a goal in mind, whether it's a certain time or certain distance or a specific heart-rate goal, and then I am done.

The only way I'd need a pain reliever to enjoy sex is if all of my fantasies came true at the same time.

I'm down to earth; people sense that and they appreciate it.

As far as your personal goals are and what you actually want to do with your life, it should never have to do with the government. You should never depend on the government for your retirement, your financial security, for anything. If you do, you're screwed.

At 'Price Is Right,' people feel so safe there and loved. And if you can't jump around on 'Price is Right,' then you can't jump around anywhere, you know?

Isn't it amazing that the Germans call their city halls 'rat houses'? That's what we should call our city halls!

I was just sick of being fat, you know? You get sick of it. It just really, it's a tiring lifestyle to have.

The Marines was a fresh start - that is why they shave your head. I wish they would let you change your name.

I used to go to the Cleveland Comedy Club all the time. If there was a comic I liked, I'd go see him two or three times that week. Bob Saget was one of those guys.

I'd buy joke books and try doing them at school; I always had jokes. That would be my go-to thing at parties: I'd be able to get through them if I just told enough jokes. Otherwise, I wouldn't end up talking to anybody.

Learn how to set goals. That's the key to everything. That includes designing your own success. You define what the goal is, it's not somebody else's goal, it's yours.

When I play poker, I don't like losing the pot.

The less government, the better

It isn`t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.

I love Las Vegas. I like that Las Vegas has everything. Everything and anything you want to do, you can do in Las Vegas.

You know what I worry about? I worry that when I hit my head, it pushes my hair into my brain, and it will eventually kill me.

I just try to get people to laugh - I'm not trying to change the world or anything.

The hardest diet I was ever on was the one when I was fat. You can only wear fat clothes, you don't feel good, your sex life gets damaged, you don't have energy for anything. It's horrible.

I've got to say that I don't see myself as some sort of political type like Alec Baldwin or Barbra Streisand. I don't want to come across like that. I'd be embarrassed if that was the way I came across.

I just liked stand-up comedy so much. I used to memorize Bill Cosby albums and other people's albums, George Carlin, Flip Wilson.

There is no such thing as too much fun. People need to know it is O.K. to tell jokes and be happy.

When I thought I was retired, I wanted to travel around the world and watch soccer games.

Why is everybody afraid of going to Heaven? You want to be here with the smog and the sin and bad people and the war? Or do you want to be in Heaven, sitting next to Jesus, you know?

One day I was running around playing with my son Connor when afterwards I was sweating, tired and out of breath. I was embarrassed that something as enjoyable as playing with my son was so tough for me to do. Immediately I started an extensive diet and exercise plan. It completely changed my life and helped cure my Type-2 diabetes.

Vegas is everything that's right with America. You can do whatever you want, 24 hours a day. They've effectively legalized everything there.

Yeah, apparently chasing a bus uses different muscles than sitting and eating.

I don't know what people are going to think of my stand-up. If you only know me from 'The Price Is Right' and 'The Drew Carey Show,' then you might be a little bit shocked. I'm a little dirty and a little opinionated but all in fun.

I wanted to do a show based on what my life would be like if I had never become a comedian.

I see my face in the mirror and go, 'I'm a Halloween costume? That's what they think of me?'

I'm the kind of person that likes what I'm doing when I'm doing it.

Reality shows always look for the worst people.

What also helps our show is that we never take ourselves seriously.

I wish I could end every rap song I didn't like with a buzzer.

You say tomato, I say bourbon and coke.

George Carlin is kind of my template now because George Carlin before was straight laced regular comic and he had short hair, a tie, suit, nightclub guy. Then he said screw it, let his hair grow, just started telling what he thought was the truth. So that's what I'm trying to do.

When asked if he enjoys being famous: Sometimes I like it, sometimes I don't. I've always been a people watcher. I like to go to malls and just sit, and I can't do that very easily anymore.

Like I said, all comedy is based on exaggeration, big or small, whatever you can get away with.

I think a lot of people are afraid of freedom. They want their lives to be controlled, to be put into a box ... Why should someone put a limit on how much fun I can have, how much I can accomplish?

I moved from Cleveland to L.A. with a girlfriend, we broke up, and I lived out of my car for a year and a half, on the road with nothing on my mind but getting my act good enough to be on 'The Tonight Show.'

I'm competitive at everything.

Being a celebrity you always get really good seats to sporting events but you never get as good seats as the photographers get. And I really love sports. So one of the scams I have going now is I want to learn sports photography so I can get better seats at a sporting event.

What right does a politician have to tell me what I can and cannot watch? Change the channel if you don't like what's on TV!

When I'm working, I'm going to avoid all media. No newspapers, no magazines, no movies, no radio, no TV. I'm just going to do creative work.

I love doing 'The Price is Right.' It's so much fun. I love meeting everybody and giving out prizes, especially when it's not my money. It's really a happy place, and everybody is all jazzed up.

I used to go to the library all the time when I was kid. As a teenager, I got a book on how to write jokes at the library, and that, in turn, launched my comedy career.

It sucks being fat, you know.

I think that if anyone bothered to take a survey, they would find a sharp decline in atheism during the winters in Cleveland, Ohio.

I love the normalcy of Cleveland. There's regular people there.

Listen, you don't know any better so I'll just tell you. You can't try to save money by not having the right beer. You know, you can skip having medical insurance, you can buy everything you own at a swap meet but the right beer is what makes living like this possible.

I was raised by just my mom. See, my father died when I was eight years old. At least, that's what he told us in the letter..

I don't care if my jokes are appropriate for a kid.

Who ever thought that the world-famous Captain Obvious was really mild-mannered Colin Mochrie?

I'm never afraid to die. I think that's the best thing that can happen to somebody is they get to move on and do something better.

Oh, and once, when I was in the Marines, I got a perfect score on my physical fitness test.