Greg Proops Quotes

I work for a few at home who are devoted. People who are up now. Either they have some sort of bladder problem or they're extremely drunk. This is my crowd, these are the people I hope to get.

I thought the Egyptians had cured baldness.

Ever since you're little you hear this: 'The pilgrims left England to escape religious persecution and sneak religious freedom into the new world.' But even when you're little you're like, 'Umm.. Bullsh*t?'

My feeling is, we ran from animals for three million years. It's our time now. If a cow could eat you, it would. And it wouldn't care how comfortable your truck ride over was, either.

I see guys dressing like they're in college - and they're not. I don't want to be that guy.

We don't know anything about Scottish history. All we know is that an American guy painted his face blue and somehow they won.

White pants should be worn on two occasions:
One, never.
And two, if you're selling ice cream.

You're in a bar - grow up. You're drinking poison. You're trying to have sex unsafely with someone you don't know. Is secondhand smoke really the chiefest of your health concerns at this point?

I think comedy should be left up to the professionals, that way everyone's safety is protected.

I just feel like history is very much alive and important and I don't, you know, I can't worry about whether people get it or not, per se.

Glasses are for the brave. I do not need to pretend that I am sighted. People who need glasses and don't wear them are slightly less treacherous than people who don't need them and do-like every shallow Hollywood star who wants to be taken seriously.

Don't yell at people. Stand up for what's right. Put yourself in the other persons place. Respect women. Don't take no for an answer. Laugh at yourself. Don't believe what you are told. Fall in love.

Obviously the name of the show is a joke, a friend of mine gave it to me. But some people are very literal. Sometimes you see things like "He's not the smartest man in the world! All he does is drink." Well, they're not listening very closely.

I love the nightlife. I like to boogie.

Bush looked straight into the camera and said 'We must preserve the sanctity of marriage!' You know, straight people are doing such a fucking great job.

Oh, I don't wear a bathing suit. I wear a tent when I go out.

If you want to live in 'white world,' if you want to experience the stultifying boredom and penetrating ennui that homogeneity can bring, you can go to Canada any day of the year. It's an entire country named Doug.

Talking to the British about sex is like talking to Americans about reading. Nobody does it so why talk about it?

It doesn't matter how much of an asshole you are, there was always someone who thought you were cool.

I'm as bouge as the next person. My mother was a waitress and my father was a bartender. People think I went to Yale and shit, because I have a vocabulary and I wear a suit. I wear a suit because I aspire to wear a fuckin' suit. I didn't work my whole fuckin' life to wear a Hello Kitty fuckin' wifebeater up here.

Oh, I say I have an ocelot and it's a joke, but I've had so many news programs in this country say, 'So what's it like, having an ocelot?" And I'll say, "It's marvelous just to see them run free. When feeding time comes and they're mewling, it just warms your heart.' People will really believe anything. You may have noticed this. It's not just me. Look around.

I'm old and my knowledge is strictly horizontal.

Mm-mm, no, thank you, no, I don't want an enchilaaadaaa. Nor do I want a burr-eye-to. Or a tay-co. Or any other bizarre, unneccessary vowel substitutions.

I'm all for dropping lawyers into any war time situation.

My feeling is, the Pilgrims were asked to leave England. England was never funner than when the Pilgrims split, right? The people of England got a little tired of these dour, right-winged conservative psycho-Christians wearing all black, bumming people out, confusing everyone by wearing buckles on ... their heads. "Is that tight enough for you, Cotton?" "Yea, verily.

I love animals. I couldn't eat a whole one but I'll split one with you if you want.

How come we got the grumpy boat of bandy-legged Puritans? How come we didn't get the Italian party boat with the cappuccino makers and the gelato machine? That was the sexy boat, man.

Tequila is like acid in a glass.

I think if you steal well, you're a genius. If you copy badly, you're a hack.

Women give birth, men take life. Therefore, men are jealous of this power. War is menstruation envy.

If you do not find me funny, that is your problem and I am not going away.

Contact lenses are for vain, weak-willed piglets who swan around showing off: 'Look everybody, I can see without spectacles. No one at first glance will ever assume I know how to surf the net.'

I like to go to England, and I'll tell you why. I like to go to a country where I am considered the best-looking person. It's as simple as that. Hollywood, kind of a crushing ego blow - 'Hey Buddy Holly, you are so old, have you not perished in a plane crash?' But not in England, good God, not there. In England, God bless that dinky island, there it's, 'Good God, look at him. He has all his teeth and his ears are in proportion to his head.' I'm Brad bloody Pitt on that island.

I understand that smoking is vaguely inappropriate in certain situations. You know, like an orphanage, cancer ward, whatever.

I don't want comedy to be Bridesmaids 2. I'm not denigrating Bridesmaids but, enough already, let's stop pretending women are incalculably different to us. Seeking out podcasts, listening on headphones, it's like an intimate, specific conversation. People respond if it feels from the heart. I'm as neurotic a human being as lives, and I have my faults. I'm a drunk. But people really like that.

Animals have two vital functions in today's society; to be delicious and to fit well.

And eat lots of mints, it fools the cops.