Funny Valentines Day Quotes

I wish Adam had died with all his ribs in his body. ~ Dion Boucicault

Oh here's an idea: let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all. ~ Jimmy Fallon

I want a man who's kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire? ~ Zsa Zsa Gabor

Valentine's day has gotten blown way out of proportion. Valentine's Day just used to be for your girlfriend or your wife but now everyone's like 'Oh, happy valentine's day!' I even got a Valentine's Day card from my grandmother. How ridiculous is that? We stopped having sex years ago! ~ Greg Giraldo

I'm tired of love; I'm still more tired of rhyme; but money gives me pleasure all the time. ~ Hilaire Belloc

Valentine's Day: the holiday that reminds you that if you don't have a special someone, you're alone. ~ Lewis Black

The jewelry stores say, 'Tell your wife you love her with a diamond,' while wives tell you they love you with, 'Ok, but just because it's Valentine's Day.' ~ George Lopez

It goes Christmas, New Year's Eve, Valentine's Day. Is that fair to anyone who's alone? These are all days you gotta be with someone. And if you didn't get around to killing yourself at Christmas or New Year's, boom! There's Valentine's Day. I think there should be one more after Valentine's Day just called, 'Who could love you?' ~ Laura Kightlinger

I have a dream, and a plan, to combine the commercial possibilities of Valentine's Day with the substance and meaning of black history month. I call it: Blackentine's Day. ~ Mo Rocca

The lover is a monotheist who knows that other people worship different gods but cannot himself imagine that there could be other gods. ~ Theodor Reik

A man loses his sense of direction after four drinks; a woman loses hers after four kisses. ~ H.L. Mencken

Between lovers a little confession is a dangerous thing. ~ Helen Rowland

Sex, unlike justice, should not be seen to be done. ~ Evelyn Laye

I love Valentine's Day. When you're a kid everyone gets a Valentine. It's like 'TO TIM, NICE PANTS, LOVE SCOTT'. It's Valentines galore! ~ Mike Birbiglia

Like the measles, love is most dangerous when it comes late in life. ~ George Gordon Byron

Valentine's Day money-saving tip: Break up on February 13th, get back together on the 15th. ~ David Letterman

Basement smells bad. Look for cat poops, change litter. ~ Martha Stewart

Ever have that one friend who gets a Valentine's Day gift for their mother? Doens't that freak you out a little? It's like, 'I don't know how to break this to you but I think she's banging your dad!' ~ Russ Meneve

You gave my life meaning.
You gave my heart love.
You gave my eyes beauty.
You gave my soul hope.
You gave my night dreams.
You gave me you.

Remember: Valentine's Day is just one day, but my love for you will be for every day. ~ Anthony T. Hincks

Happy Valentine's... Let's wear costumes! ~ Ray Palla

Thanksgiving is the holiday that encompasses all others. All of them, from Martin Luther King Day to Arbor Day to Christmas to Valentine's Day, are in one way or another about being thankful. ~ Jonathan Safran Foer

Love gives without taking ~ Erica Jong

My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine's Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside Made in Taiwan! ~ Leopold Fechtner

I love romance. I'm a sucker for it. I love it so much. It's pathetic. ~ Drew Barrymore

It doesn't hurt. Nothing hurts except the small smiles and blushes that flash across the room like tiny sparrows. ~ Laurie Halse Anderson

As the most romantic day of the year approaches, and as a brand that is uniquely male, we wanted to find out how men really feel about Valentines Day, and how they want to celebrate it. The Johnnie Walker Blue Label Luxury Survey tells us what gifts men really want versus what gifts women think men want for Valentine's Day - and the reality is that we're not as far apart as we like to think. ~ Christopher Parsons

Then, Valentine's Day came. There was a dance, and balloons and flowers and cheaply made rings and all sorts of lame teddy bears and stuffed animals, as if teenagers can be wooed with the same shit as five-year-olds. It was the Dietzes' most hated holiday of the year, too, because it dealt with the consumerization of something sacred. Mom and Dad had agreed never to buy each other anything on the day. It was a false, Hallmark holiday. A sham. A moneymaking sideshow for insecure couples who didn't have true love. I agreed with this, for the most part. ~ A.S. King

People call it Valentines Day, I call it Tuesday. ~ Lil' Wayne

…And I want someone emotionally available.' He slanted her a glare. 'I'm emotionally available.' 'You outlawed Valentine's Day, Avenant. ~ Cassandra Gannon

What she wants is a partner, two people building a normal, mostly boring life. My father can be counted on for the big things - a diamond, a house, a car, maybe flowers on Valentine's Day. But my mother cares more for the details, the day-to-day considerations that will elude my father, not because he doesn't care, but because he ~ Amy Monticello

Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
The match has been made.
I'm coming for you.

Happy Valentines Day, Lila ~ Lauren Palphreyman

Love is costly. T forgive in love costs us our sense of justice. To serve in love costs us time. To share in love costs us money. Every act of love costs us in some way, just as it cost God to love us. But we are to live a life of love just as Christ loves us and gave Himself for us at great cost to Himself. ~ Jerry Bridges

On Valentine's Day, millions of men give millions of women flowers, cards and candy as a heartfelt expression of the emotion that also motivates men to observe anniversaries and birthdays-fear. ~ Dave Barry

A man can do only what he can do. But if he does that each day he can sleep at night and do it again the next day. ~ Albert Schweitzer

Love, time doth change."

The rose was red,
The color of love,
Its petals vibrant,
A sign of your love.
Its stem did twine,
Around my heart,
But it couldn't keep it pumping,
One day it failed to start.
As clouds parted,
Oceans apart,
We only had our memories,
To remember,
Our love would last.
But time went on,
Your love did change,
And so the rose,
Began to change.
Thorns grew wild,
Petals did fade,
My rose was wilting,
Showing its age.
Red was no more,
Black was the hue,
Without your love,
What was I to do?
I tended my garden,
The thoughts in my mind,
For you were still my love,
For me in my mind. ~ Anthony T. Hincks

We say love is blind, and the figure of Cupid is drawn with a bandage around his eyes. Blind - yes, because he does not see what he does not like; but the sharpest-sighted hunter in the universe is Love for finding what he seeks, and only that. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

I advocate speaking words of love with all the sincerity that can be mustered, as frequently as possible. ~ Mary Anne Radmacher

Valentine's Day was created by the greeting card industry to get pussy. ~ Anthony Jeselnik

Love is an afternoon of fishing when I'd sooner be at the ballet.
Love is eating burnt toast and lumpy graving with a big smile.
Love is hearing the words 'You're beautiful' as I fail to squeeze into my fat jeans.
Love is refusing to bring up the past, even if doing so would be a slam dunk to prove your point.
Love is your hand wiping away my tears, trying to erase streaks of mascara.
Love is the warm hug that extinguishes an argument.
Love is a humbly-uttered apology, even if not at fault.
Love is easy to recognize but so hard to define; however, I think it boils down to this ...
Love is caring so much about the feelings of someone else, you sacrifice whatever it takes to help him or her feel better.
In other words, love is my heart being sensitive to yours. ~ Richelle E. Goodrich

You were my strength when I was weak; you were my voice when I couldn't speak; you were my eyes when I couldn't see; you saw the best there was in me; lifted me up when I couldn't reach, you gave me faith cuz you believed. I'm everything I am because you loved me. ~ Celine Dion

I just think Valentine's Day is a day to really appreciate the person you love, no matter who it is, and to spend time with them. I don't think it's all about fancy presents or whatever. I think it's about spending that quality time with that special person. ~ Prince Royce

A daddy is a daughter's first love and a lifelong gift for Valentine's Day. ~ Debasish Mridha

In women everything is heart, even the head. ~ Jean Paul

I think that Valentine's Day is only as good as you want it to be. You know, I don't think it should be anything fancy, nothing crazy. As long as you're spending time with that person that's special, I think that's a great Valentine's Day. ~ Prince Royce

I like to do things for my wife on Valentine's Day. I open the door for her when she puts laundry in the washing machine. ~ Milton Berle

This is love: to fly toward a secret sky, to cause a hundred veils to fall each moment. First to let go of life. Finally, to take a step without feet. ~ Rumi

Love is the immortal flow of energy that nourishes, extends and preserves. Its eternal goal is life. ~ Smiley Blanton

Valentines day are coming up and a German company has made chokolate in shapes of couples making love. I don't like them ... I don't want my chokolate to have more fun than me. ~ Jay Leno

Love is when each person is more concerned for the other than for one's self. ~ David Frost

It was Valentine's Day and I had spent the day in bed with my life partner, Ketel One. The two of us watched a romance movie marathon on TBS Superstation that made me wonder how people who write romantic comedies can sleep at night.

At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a leaf, and then some Matthew McConaughey type either whips around the corner just in the nick of time to save her or is clumsily pulled down along with her. That event predictably leads to the magical moment of their first kiss. Please. I fall all-the-time. You know who comes and gets me? The bouncer.

Then, within the two hour time frame of the movie, the couple meet, fall in love, fall out of love, break up, and then just before the end of the movie, they happen to bump into each other by "coincidence" somewhere absolutely absurd, like by the river. This never happens in real life. The last time I bumped into an ex-boyfriend was at three o'clock in the morning at Rite Aid. I was ringing up Gas-X and corn removers. ~ Chelsea Handler

Every time Valentine's Day came around, I'd hold out the stupid hope that maybe there'd be some guy who had a secret crush on me and would buy me a rose to finally declare his love. Then the day would come, and of course, nobody bought me a rose, and I'd end up getting really depressed, looking at all the pretty girls in my homeroom with their roses. ~ Alice Wasser

I hate Valentine's Day. I think every day should be a day of romance. Then, on Valentine's Day, you should get to tell whoever you hate that you cannot stand them. There would be one day of hating, and 364 days of love. ~ Ashton Kutcher

I watch my heart disappearing into her rosebud mouth. My Valentine's jest somehow seems less funny. ~ Neil Gaiman

It's called Valentine's Day, you moron. If you're going to date a human, Dankmar, you need to remember their holidays. ~ Abbi Glines

Valentine's Day is the poet's holiday. ~ Ted Kooser

The 99 Cent Only Store is calling itself your Valentine's Day headquarters. Guys, if that's your Valentine's Day headquarters, you can also call the garage your new home. ~ Jay Leno

Shirley Valentine is a beautiful character and so well written. What Shirley speaks and thinks is so logical. ~ Loretta Swit

Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself. But if to love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires: to melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night. To know the pain of too much tenderness. To be wounded by your own understanding of love; and to bleed willingly and joyfully. To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving; to rest at noon and meditate love's ecstasy; to return home at eventide with gratitude; and then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips. ~ Kahlil Gibran

I'm anti-Valentine's Day. I don't believe - and this goes for anybody - your man shouldn't love you for one day out of 365. He should love you 365 days out of the year. I want Valentine's Day every day. ~ Carrie Underwood

Love is as strong as death; its jealousy as unyielding as the grave. It burns like a blazing fire; like a mighty flame. Many waters cannot quench love, rivers cannot wash it away ~ Solomon

Life in abundance comes only through great love. ~ Elbert Hubbard

You trump Valentine's Day chocolates. ~ Gail McHugh

The first time she wore her gi she also mistakenly wore her lucky Valentine's Day panties that showed through where she sweated like a boiled lobster in gauze. And last week in the turtle tot class where she loves to volunteer she bopped one of the cutest tots on the noggin with a foam noodle to get his guards up and he responded by throwing up on her feet. So there were setbacks. ~ Amy Stolls

Love is a courageous device, it gives you the ability to see things in a positive way. Happy Valentines Day. ~ Euginia Herlihy

I poked him in the chest. 'First of all, yes, it was. Lacy cards and love tokens were widely exchanged even in Victorian times. By now, you should know better than to screw with me on historical trivia. ~ Molly Harper

I love thee - I love thee,
'Tis all that I can say,
It is my vision in the night,
My dreaming in the day. ~ Thomas Hood