Funny Retirement Quotes

For retirement brings repose, and repose allows a kindly judgment of all things. ~ John Sharp Williams

There are three things to remember when teaching: know your stuff; know whom you are stuffing; and then stuff them elegantly. ~ Lola J. May

Men in the uniform of Wall Street retirement: black Chesterfield coat, rimless glasses and the Times folded to the obituary page.. ~ Jimmy Breslin

When one door closes another one opens but if you keep looking back at the closed one you'll never see the one that's open ahead of you. ~ Christopher Sharp

How has retirement affected my golf game? A lot more people beat me now. ~ Dwight D. Eisenhower

Sugar Ray Leonard's retirements last about as long as Elizabeth Taylor's marriages. ~ Bob Arum

When I retire I'm going to spend my evenings by the fireplace going through those boxes. There are things in there that ought to be burned. ~ Richard M. Nixon

Old teachers never die, they just grade away. ~ Henny Youngman

Retirement, we understand, is great if you are busy, rich, and healthy. But then, under those circumstances, work is great too. ~ Bill Vaughan

Sanders was a friend of chickens. ~ Charles Taylor Manatt

You know you're getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work. ~ Joan Rivers

For me retiring wasn't hard once I knew that that was the decision I was going to make. ~ Gabriela Sabatini

Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away! ~ Stephen Hawking

Retiring was scary and it was tough to give up gymnastics, but so many great opportunities have come from it that I never expected. ~ Shawn Johnson

I have to struggle to change people's perceptions of me. I grew very frustrated with the perception that I'm this shy, retiring, inhibited aristocratic creature when I'm absolutely not like that at all. I think I'm much more outgoing and exuberant than my image. ~ Helena Bonham Carter

Why retire from something if you're loving it so much and enjoying it so much, and you're blessed with another group of people to work with like the gang on 'Hot in Cleveland?' Why would I think of retiring? What would I do with myself? ~ Betty White

I don't know why people thought I was retiring. ~ Billy Joel

I'm moving on. I should have made that clear when I made the announcement. I guess I wasn't clear. If people think you're leaving a show after all these years, you might be retiring. So I understand where they're coming from, but I should have impressed the fact that I hope I'm just moving on right now. ~ Regis Philbin

At age 20, we worry about what others think of us. At age 40, we don't care what they think of us. At age 60, we discover they haven't been thinking of us at all. ~ Ann Landers

My retirement plan was in place but Bernie Maidoff with my money. ~ David Letterman

Sex is Number 1 of my Top-10 joys in retirement. Number 2 is reading How to Retire Happy, Wild, and Free. I forgot the other eight. ~ Ernie J Zelinski

Retirement is the ugliest word in the language. ~ Ernest Hemingway,

We have to thank God for this retirement. ~ Virgil

If criticism had any power to harm, the skunk would be extinct by now. ~ Fred Allen

He comes back with the script, and it's racist like a 1940's Newspaper. ~ Katt Williams

I've never claimed that this is investment art. When we first started out, all the art colleges and universities across the country would sort of badmouth what we were doing. It's funny that a lot of them now are sending us letters saying, 'We may not totally agree with the way you paint, but we appreciate what you're doing, because you're sending literally thousands of people into art colleges. ~ Bob Ross

Most writers regard the truth as their most valuable possession, and therefore are economical in its use. ~ Mark Twain

I'll buy you a blow-up doll. I'm sure my mate won't mind when I explain how hard up you are."
She didn't bother to punch him this time, just glared with promise of future retaliation. "Very funny. You wouldn't be laughing if you knew how sexually frustrated I am right now." [ ... ] "The last time was when that SilverBlade sentinel was in town for a communications meeting."
All amusement left Dorian's face. "You serious? That was months ago." A very long time to go without intimate touch. "Merce, that could get dangerous."
"I know. Do you think I don't know?" She thrust her hands through her hair. "Damn it Dorian! It's getting to the point where I'm starting to wonder if some of the wolves would be good in bed. [ ... ]
"Cat and wolf isn't a ... um ... normal combination."
"And Psy and cat is?" She made a face at him. "Yeah, yeah I know. Cat and wolf is strange." [ ... ]
"How about one of the Rats?" Dorian's eyes gleamed. ~ Nalini Singh

This was the ultimate form of ostentation among technology freaks - to have a system so complete and sophisticated that nothing showed; no machines, no wires, no controls. ~ Michael Swanwick

It's funny, but I was just thinking I wouldn't mind a repeat of that boring evening when we elapsed to 1953," said Gideon. "Just you and me and Cousin Sofa. ~ Kerstin Gier

In 1858 I received the degree of D. S. from the Lawrence Scientific School, and thereafter remained on the rolls of the university as a resident graduate. ~ Simon Newcomb

Canadian pride may not rest on our sleeves, but it resides deeply in our hearts. ~ Steve Miller

So I went to the Doctor's yesterday. He said, "What appears to be the problem?" I said, "I keep having this dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away." He said, "How can I help?" I said: "Break my arms." ~ Tommy Cooper

Mushari didn't see anything funny in that. He never saw anything funny in anything, so deeply immured was he by the utterly unplayful spirit of the law. ~ Kurt Vonnegut Jr.

Roan tried not to stare, but the guard's head was almost perfectly egg shaped. He wanted to ask him if he'd ever had a hen sit on him by mistake. ~ Andrea Speed

I usually get distracted when I'm on the internet. I open one or two tabs to look something up for school but it turns out that I open more than 30 tabs, most of them irrelevant to my research. It's funny because it reminds me of getting to know people in my life. I have a goal and spending time with too many people might delay me from achieving it. I see it as if people were internet browser tabs. ~ Abdullah Abu Snaineh

I also don't trust Caribou anymore. They're out there, on the tundra, waiting ... Something's going down. I'm right about this. ~ Joss Whedon

What are you giving him?"
Nicola Vileroy tilted her head ... " Something to mesmerize and delight him. Something absolutely ethereal that would capture his imagination and not let go. "
"Ooh, Nintendo, how lovely! ~ Daniel Nayeri

Then came her voice in his ear: "I give myself to thee. I give myself to thee. I give myself to thee."
And at last she sank onto him, and he wrapped his arms about her and savoured the delicious peace. The stray, funny thought came: we're married, and he laughed out loud. ~ Loretta Chase

There's this funny thing about empathy. It's not actually in limited supply. Just because other people have it worse doesn't mean you don't deserve to be understood. To feel comfort. ~ Cora Carmack

I imbue this place with my essence, every stone and every drop. My visit will do wonders for the flowers."
Aly propped her chin on her hand. "So does manure," she observed. ~ Tamora Pierce

I said, names aren't important," he repeated. There was a silence between them for some seconds, then the Ranger said: "Do you know what is important?"
Will shook his head.
"Supper is important! ~ John Flanagan

You can pretend anything and master it. ~ Milton H. Erickson

Scott Foley was always fun because he's a very funny guy. So I liked working with him a bunch. ~ Ian Gomez

I apologize. Hi, I'm Agent Sloane Brodie, your Team Leader. I enjoy reading, cozy nights in, and the soothing sounds of classic rock. I also like to browse the Internet for funny cat videos, but deep down, I think I'm more of a dog person. ~ Charlie Cochet

Taking in their expressions, I just knew it.
Logan had enlisted them.
The bugger.
"Oh dear God." I let my head fall back as if in supplication to an unmerciful deity. "Why me?"
Joss snorted. "Yeah, doesn't it suck when gorgeous, funny, loyal Scotsmen fall in love with us? ~ Samantha Young

Cigarette companies market heavily to young people. They need young customers because their product kills the older ones. It is the only product that, if used as intended, kills the consumer. ~ George Carlin

What makes a good animated movie is being able to balance adult and knowing in-jokes and also just out and out funny things that make all people laugh. The idea that it's actually something that will appeal to a family, that's the trick. ~ Benedict Cumberbatch

Three fishers went sailing away to the west,/ Away to the west as the sun went down. ~ Charles Kingsley

This many pretty girls in the room, all watching you boys like you're a wedding-reception one-night stand waiting to happen - ~ Cristin Harber

Isn't it funny that they say most girls have daddy issues, when really, every dude does? ~ Amy Schumer

Getting seasick?" the inspector asked him at one point.
"No. Just sick of myself."
"Why?"
"Because every now and then I realize what a stupid shit I am to go along with some of your brilliant ideas. ~ Andrea Camilleri

Congratulations on passing your test! Your HIV positive. ~ Frankie Boyle

I'd been so tired of 'strong female characters' for so long by then. I was so tired of the way female strength was made to look cold and humorless; the way it was characterized as deviant and 'unnatural' and always lonely and exceptional. I was tired of the grim undertone of tragedy that lurked under its surface. 'Strong female characters' were never funny, and they never had any fun, either. More often than not, they were celibate, friendless, and clinically depressed. Their monomaniacal devotion to crime fighting made them lean, cranky, and impatient. Naturally, they had axes to grind: they were avenging brides, poker-faced assassins, gloomy ninjas with commitment issues. Who were these characters? What were they trying to tell us? Why didn't they ever say goodbye before hanging up the phone? And why were they always being reborn or remade as killing machines after losing everything they held dear?

...I don't want to see another symbolic woman start all over again. I want to see the symbolic world change to acknowledge her existence. I don't want to see a young girl get a makeover or go shopping with her boyfriend's credit card. I want to watch her blow up the Death Star - metaphorically, of course. ~ Carina Chocano

I make some jokes about it, but they're not funny and just add to the depression. ~ Robert M. Pirsig

I said to my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' She said, 'I want to go somewhere I've never been before.' I said, 'Try the kitchen.' ~ Henny Youngman

Situated in some nebulous distance I do what I do so that the universal balance of which I am a part may remain a balance. ~ Antonio Porchia

Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest. ~ Demetri Martin

Life's better now. I wouldn't do it all over again, though. It's funny how life works. Maybe it was meant to happen for many reasons, because my life in many ways richer. ~ Giuliana Rancic

Whiskey is by far the most popular of all remedies that won't cure a cold. ~ Jerry Vale

Where you find the greatest good, there you will also find greatest Evil, for Evil likes Paradise every bit as much as Good does. What makes the best environment for Clematis armandi makes a lovely home for leaf hoppers. A place where Joe Allston hopes to enjoy his retirement turns out to be Tom Weld's ancestral acres and a place attractive to Caliban. ~ Wallace Stegner

For me, the release was a spot in time with no past and no future. Just the extraordinary simplicity of a moment - the kind of moment that has a funny way of making a person believe that life and love can last forever. ~ Tiffanie DeBartolo

Discourse on virtue and they pass by in droves. Whistle and dance and shimmy, and you've got an audience! ~ Diogenes Laertius

I have written it before and am not ashamed to write it again. Without Wodehouse I am not sure that I would be a tenth of what I am today
whatever that may be. In my teenage years, his writings awoke me to the possibilities of language. His rhythms, tropes, tricks and mannerisms are deep within me.
But more than that, he taught me something about good nature. It is enough to be benign, to be gentle, to be funny, to be kind. ~ Stephen Fry

It's funny; Luther and I have written many songs together, but we've never written songs in the same room. ~ Richard Marx

I didn't know where this stuff was coming from - all of a sudden I was a little magickal sprite, bonding with my stone, feeling my earth roots, la la la ...
All I can is describe the way it felt. And that was how it felt. So sue me.
Was I swaying? I felt like I might be swaying. ~ Cate Tiernan

A great deal of the pupils time was spent going through, once again, the History of the Communist (Bolshevik) Party of the Soviet Union. He had learnt it at elementary school; at secondary school; at his sports club; at the Komsomol; at the university; at a folk dancing course; at the chess-club. ~ George Mikes

There are a lot of really funny guys who are very natural in what they do: Jonah Hill, Michael Cera, Seth Rogen. ~ Will Ferrell

It's fun when the writers start writing jokes to you, but also it's fun when the writers will come to you and say 'Hey, listen, we're working on this story and we need to know if you speak any foreign languages.' And I said 'No, I don't. I speak a little Spanish, but I can learn a foreign language.' And they go 'Okay, do you think you can learn Portuguese?' And I go 'Yeah, whatever it takes. If it's funny, I'll do it.' So of course I start looking online and learning Portuguese, and as it turns out, I get the script and it's now Serbian. ~ David Alan Basche

Pay off your mortgage before retirement, and that's one less bill you'll have to worry about when you're on a fixed income. ~ Suze Orman

Apparently the part of the brain that identified things as funny kept running as a background process even when its contributions were useless. ~ Neal Stephenson