Cheating Spouse Funny Quotes

Peaches found herself wondering if Mary, a tiny brunette with an unprepossessing manner and less than 'stellar' work ethics, had to play Where's Waldo to find Steve's dick beneath his gigantic waistline. ~ A.T. Hicks

Arrive before your Husband. Not that I can
See quite what good arriving first will do;
But still arrive before him. When he's taken
His place upon the couch and you go too
To sit beside him, on your best behavior
Stealthily touch my foot, and look at me,
Watching my nods, my eyes, my face's language;
Catch and return my signals secretly.
I'll send a wordless message with my eyebrows;
You'll read my fingers' words, words traced in wine.
When you recall our games of love together,
Your finger on rosy cheeks must trace a line.
If in your silent thoughts you wish to chide me,
Let your hand hold the lobe of your soft ear;
When, darling, what I do or say gives pleasure,
Keep turning to an fro the ring you wear.
When you wish well-earned curses on your husband,
Lay your hand on the table, as in prayer.
If he pours you wine, watch out, tell him to drink it;
Ask for what you want from the waiter there.
I shall take next the glass you hand the waiter
And I'll drink from the place you took your sips;
If he should offer anything he's tasted,
Refuse whatever food has touch his lips.
Don't let him plant his arms upon your shoulders,
Don't let him rest your gentle head on his hard chest,
Don't let your dress, your breasts, admit his fingers,
And--most of all--no kisses to be pressed!
You kiss--and I'll reveal myself your lover;
I'll say 'they're mi ~ Ovid

After all, she knows how painful it can be not to follow your heart and she knows about the obstacles and about loyalty and duty and about the countless kinds of love. If only Eve and Myles were freer to make the right choices, she thinks. ~ Claire Dyer

Because revelations of systemic deception erode our most basic, default expectation of good faith, they play an outsize role in producing a crisis of authority. Each exposure of previously secret misdeeds - steroid use, Ponzi schemes, rigged intelligence - produces an acute and debilitating psychological effect. Vertigo sets in, similar to that experienced by a spouse who, after decades of what he thought was a happy, loyal marriage, discovers his wife has been cheating all along. Suddenly we realize we live in a world entirely more depraved than the one we thought we inhabited. ~ Christopher L. Hayes

deceivers shall always be at the junction of double mindedness ~ Ernest Agyemang Yeboah

The plural of spouse is spice. ~ Christopher Morley

If you've spent more than an hour plotting a getaway route, you're either a writer or a criminal.

Or maybe a cheating spouse. ~ Peggy Rothschild

Cheating is pure hypocrisy. Our partner deserves better than that. If we don't love someone, we should not be with them. That would also be hypocrisy. ~ Cathy Burnham Martin

65% of people say that cheating on your income tax is worse than cheating on your spouse. The other 35% were women. ~ Jay Leno

Such disappointments, betrayals and reconciliations were the stuff of married life, but she and Jack had gone through them before the wedding. Now, at least, she felt confident that she knew him. Nothing was likely to surprise her. It was a funny way to do things, but it might be better than making your vows first and getting to know your spouse afterward. ~ Ken Follett

...then I wonder, does anyone ever intend on being that kind of person? ~ Stevie J. Cole

Being faithful and monogamous is not natural for human beings. It takes work. Deep down we all know that. We have all been tempted to stray at some point or another. Even when it was only a fleeting thought and we didn't act on it. Every time we acknowledge that someone of the opposite sex is "attractive" or "sexy" we are doing nothing other than pointing out that they would be a suitable mate. Not acting on that natural impulse to want to mate with a viable mating partner requires a conscious decision. It's a constant struggle between what your body wants, and what the civilized part of your brain says you should do, in order to avoid the negative consequences of cheating on your spouse and ruining your long-term relationship. That's why affairs, and extra-marital sex, are often referred to as "a moment of weakness. ~ Oliver Markus Malloy

Farm policy, although it's complex, can be explained. What it can't be is believed. No cheating spouse, no teen with a wrecked family car, no mayor of Washington, D.C., videotaped in flagrante delicto has ever come up with anything as farfetched as U.S. farm policy. ~ P. J. O'Rourke

Pray for the love which allows you to see the good in your companion. Pray for the love that makes weaknesses and mistakes seem small. Pray for the love to make your companion's joy your own. Pray for the love to want to lessen the load and soften the sorrows of your companion ~ Henry B. Eyring

Military Wives - Sacrificing Months of Sex for the Country. ~ Aditi Mathur Kumar

When we ask someone out, and are unsure whether we will hear them say yes, we are taking a leap of faith mixed with doubt. When we believe our spouse that they did not cheat, it is a leap of faith. We doubt in the absence of evidence, or when our trust in ourselves, and others are disrupted in some ways. ~ Leviak B. Kelly

Try to please or impress everyone and you'll fail the person that's most important; YOU. Everyone won't think your funny, smart or that you deserve that promotion. Some will say you are not a good parent, sibling, spouse, partner, friend or child. Just be the best person possible. If you truly love who you are other's opinions won't even matter. ~ Carlos Wallace

Manners without sincerity, is called polite society ~ Josh Stern

The truth is that stress doesn't come from your boss, your kids, your spouse, traffic jams, health challenges, or other circumstances. It comes from your thoughts about these circumstances. ~ Andrew J. Bernstein

Do whatever you gotta do. Go fuck that girl six ways from Sunday."
Danny laughed, trying to keep his hand steady as he glanced up. "I hope you have a daughter one day."
Jake's face dropped. "Dude, fuck you, that's not even funny. ~ Priscilla Glenn

He is really not so ugly after all, provided, of course, that one shuts one's eyes, and does not look at him. ~ Oscar Wilde

Soak blanket in gravy and make a delicious brick wrap. Serve in All Gravy Room at the Mandrake Hotel. ~ Christoph Fischer

I played Little League and in high school. I played more over the years whenever there was a pick-up game ... usually softball. ~ Matthew Modine

I play a musical instrument a little, but only for my own amazement. ~ Fred Allen

The policemen agreed they were living with a most peculiar fellow. One moment he was reading classical literature in the original French and quoting Tennyson, and the next he would be discussing the best way to blow up a train. ~ Ben Macintyre

Good morning, Mike," I mumbled, making a beeline for the coffeepot.
"Oooooh!" he teased again. "Someone is getting married tonight! Woooooooo…"
"Yep," I said, taking that first glorious sip of java. "Hard to believe, isn't it?"
Mike put his hand over his mouth and snickered. Then he asked, "So…are you guys gonna do some…some kissin'?"
"I certainly hope so," I said. This only served to make Mike laugh harder.
"Ooooooh!" he squealed. "Are you gonna have a baby?"
Oh, Lord.
I took another hit of Gevalia and answered, "Not today." Mike cracked up again. He was clearly on a roll.
"What's so funny this morning, Mike?" I asked.
"Your s-s-s-stomach is gonna get so fat," he answered. Mike was quickly approaching manic stage--the result of a large, busy weekend and his routine being disrupted. Soon the inevitable crash would come. I just hoped I was on the plane to Australia when it happened. It wasn't going to be pretty.
"Oh, whatever, Mike," I answered, feigning indignation. ~ Ree Drummond

It's so funny being a Christian musician. It always scares me when people think so highly of Christian music, Contemporary Christian music especially. Because I kinda go, I know a lot of us, and we don't know jack about anything. Not that I don't want you to buy our records and come to our concerts. I sure do. But you should come for entertainment. If you really want spiritual nourishment, you should go to church ... you should read the Scriptures. ~ Rich Mullins

Just because I'm married to Doug doesn't mean I can't be here for you. ~ Kristen Schaal

My silence was reward for you saying something intelligent. I'm a firm believer in positive reinforcement. ~ Sam Argent

This is an Aston Martin, Gin.You don't run over dead bodies in an Aston Matin."
"Tell that to James Bond ~ Jennifer Estep

Let's go to that Jamaican place around the corner from you."
"Cluck You Chicken? Are you serious? The health department probably uses that restaurant for training exercises. ~ Mary Ann Rivers

I can't decide whether I'm a good girl wrapped up in a bad girl, or if I'm a bad girl wrapped up in a good girl. And that's how I know I'm a woman! ~ C. JoyBell C.

Somehow she had climbed halfway up his body before he managed to grasp her waist. He plucked her off and set her on her feet.
She started to climb up his body again.
"Are you having fun?" he asked suspiciously.
"We're on the fucking moon!" she shouted. "There's nothing here!"
He stared at her. "I don't think you're having fun."
"No air!"
He shook his head. "Think about that logically. Could you have possibly said those words if there truly was no air? Of course
there's no air or atmosphere outside this bubble - "
"Ofcoursethere'snofuckingairhereorfuckingatmosphereonthefuckinggoddamnMOONyouGODDAMNFUCKINGCRAZYMORONICDJINN ... "
"Grace," he roared in her face. ~ Thea Harrison

If you're not sure what to do with the ball, just pop it in the net and we'll discuss your options afterwards. ~ Bill Shankly

Every Hero Becomes a Bore at last." Ralph Waldo Emerson ~ Tim O. Casey

Kids seem to get me when I play colleges - they like it because I go after them. They'll come up after and say I am like their dads, only funny. ~ Lewis Black

Many invest wisely in business matters, but fail to invest time and interest in their most valued possessions: their spouses and children. ~ Billy Graham

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks. ~ Joan Rivers

We found Trent and pulled him off the leggy girl. "Trent, it's time to get home before your parents realize we snuck out." I said.
"What?" he asked confusedly.
"Plus the bouncer found out we were sixteen and he does not look happy." Logan added.
The girl froze, "You're sixteen? What the hell. You little perv, you're going to pay for this."
Trent sputtered, "What? No."
Logan looked at her all doe eyed innocence and said "Sorry Ma'am, we have to get home now because it's past our curfew."
Trent stood open mouthed in shock but his eyes were shooting murderous rays.
So many death glares, so little time. ~ Amanda Kelly

It's funny where we look for salvation, and where we actually find it. ~ Anne Lamott

So just talking would be nice…would you like to come over to my place tonight for a glass of wine?"
"Not even if Jesus was pouring it," Day responded quickly."
--Johnson-the-Stalker to Day ~ A.E. Via

Steve Forman strafes the south Florida scene with Boca Knights, an outrageously funny mystery novel with a raft of offbeat characters and prose that moves trippingly off the pen. His main man, Eddie Perlmutter, ex-Boston cop attempting semi-retirement in Boca Raton like a fish trying to retire out of the water, is a character for the ages. Carl Hiaasen, watch your back. ~ Douglas Preston

The amount of educational programming on television today is simply desensitizing. The only reason left to go to school is to see gun violence. ~ Bauvard

When you're watching 'Armageddon,' and the Aerosmith song starts ... Super funny. ~ Trey Parker

A lot of people don't think of my work as being all that funny, but I think it's hilarious! ~ Fred Tomaselli

I had a wonderful experience on the golf course today. I had a hole in nothing. Missed the ball and sank the divot. ~ Don Adams

His favourite word, one for which I have a great deal of time myself as a matter of fact, was "arse." Everyone was more or less an arse most of the time, but I was arsier than just about everyone else in the school. In fact, in my case he would often go further - I was on many occasions a bumptious arse. Before I learned what bumptious actually meant I assumed that it derived from "bum" and believed therefore with great pride that as a bumptious arse I was doubly arsey - twice the arse of ordinary arses. ~ Stephen Fry