Golf Humor Quotes

On my drive from Salt Lake City to Moab, Utah, I passed an eighteen-wheeler with mud flaps on the rear tires. The flaps were black and featured the silver silhouette of a very statuesque naked woman. I'm sure you've seen this artistic expression in your travels.

I wondered: has this ploy ever worked, like some kind of perverted fishing lure? ~ Jim Flynn

If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age. ~ Tom Mulligan

I had a wonderful experience on the golf course today. I had a hole in nothing. Missed the ball and sank the divot. ~ Don Adams

I was three over. One over a house, one over a patio, and one over a swimming pool. ~ George Brett

If there is any larceny in a man, golf will bring it out. ~ Paul Gallico

These golf people seem unnaturally obsessed. They dress kind of funny too, and it's become a running joke for Gretchen and I to e-mail the most ridiculous golfing pictures back and forth to each other. Sometimes she adds hysterical captions. She never puts them on PitchBitch, though. We can't threaten the gravy train. ~ Shawn Klomparens

It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. It took one afternoon on the golf course. ~ Hank Aaron

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. ~ Dave Barry

I went to play golf and tried to shoot my age, but I shot my weight instead. ~ Bob Hope

I don't let birdies and pars get in the way of having a good time ~ Angelo Spagnolo

I killed him with my niblick, said Celia.
I nodded. If the thing was to be done at all, it was unquestionably a niblick shot. ~ P.G. Wodehouse

I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators. ~ Gerald R. Ford

There must be a mistake," I said.
He adjusted his bag on his shoulder. "That's a creative name. What do you shorten it to? Missy? ~ Chelsea M. Cameron

We laugh, that we may not cry. ~ Roger Ebert

Thank God for Jesus. Because, you know, he was here like us, so he knows how hard it is to be a person. He must have a sense of humor about us. ~ Sara Miles

Cavities are made by sugar. So if you need to dig a hole, then lay down some candy bars! ~ Mitch Hedberg

My dick's wisdom impeded my ability to have meaningless intercourse. ~ John Duover

You thought giving a depressed prostitute a copy of Pretty Woman might help? ~ Isa K.

Always believe the second lie. Second lie's the one they're gonna stick to, so you might as well accept it. ~ Tom Litchtenberg

Dude, it's mind control. That's got to be the best superpower ever! ~ Lee Davidson

I've met plenty of embarrassing parents, but Kronos, the evil Titan Lord who wanted to destroy Western Civilization? Not the kind of dad you invited to
school for Career Day. ~ Rick Riordan

Where are all the sour patch parents? ~ Bo Burnham

Outsiders develop humor as a defense; why do you think most comedians are gay or Jewish? ~ Paul Lynde

The man beside me, apropos of nothing, raises his hand and says that there is 'a story' that man started society because he was 'cast out of a garden because of a sin.' He doesn't attribute this anecdote, leaving it a blind item from a source we might not know. He seems nice enough but potentially dangerous. ~ David Rakoff

I was glad to be rid of him. He was one of those people who could go to New York and be "fascinating," but here in his own world he was just a cheap functionary, and a dull one at that. ~ Hunter S. Thompson

I bought myself a parrot, but it did not say "I'm hungry", and so it died. ~ Mitch Hedberg

I think so," she [Claire] said. "Just watch your back, okay?"
"Nah, Michael's got mine." He [Shane] looked straight into her eyes.
"I've got yours. ~ Rachel Caine

Don't look for a successful company to make your life better. Instead, strive to make whatever company your in a success ~ W.H. Carusso

In this town, a successful marriage is one that lasts longer than ice. ~ Lois Greiman

Oh well ... I'd just been thinking, if you had died, you'd have been welcome to share my toilet. ~ J.K. Rowling

ISABEL: Sorry I missed my session Monday.
DR. RUSH: Would you like to tell me why?
ISABEL: I was depressed.
DR. RUSH: That's a good reason to come to therapy. ~ Lisa Lutz

Four years ago ... no, it was yesterday. ~ Steven Wright

You know what's not sexy?" I pushed his hand away. "Barbies. Barbies are not sexy."
"But I bought condoms," he said. "I even practiced putting one on!"
The lost-puppy look on his face made me smile. "I'm proud of you, Boner Man, but that's not enough. ~ Laurie Halse Anderson

There's a lot more to ridin' a horse than just sittin' in the saddle and lettin' yer feet hang down. ~ Texas Bix Bender

I am happy to say that there is nothing to report." The guard's voice grew muffled as he bent to shrug off his armor. "Save that I now know every path and stream in this village as though I were born here and had never set foot outside it, and have counted all the leaves on all the trees and found them in good health and order, and have taken the liberty of naming all the frogs down by the creek, placing them into clans by the markings on their back and taking for myself the title King and Overlord of all Frog-Kind. ~ Matthew Jobin

Maybe you're sleepwalking. And sleeptexting. And sleepprimping."
"What's next?" I grumbled to myself. Things were getting more out of control by the minute.
"I don't know," she said, straightening up and tucking her phone into the waistband of her leggings. "Just don't start sleepfucking. ~ Karina Halle

It was such ecstacy to dream, and dream - till you got a bite.

A scorpion bite. Then the first duty was to get up out of the grass and kill the scorpion; and the next to bathe the bitten place with alcohol or brandy; and the next to resolve to keep out of the grass in the future. Then came an adjournment to the bedchamber and the pastime of writing up the day's journal with one hand and the destruction of mosquitoes with the other - a whole community of them at a slap. Then, observing an enemy approaching - a hairy tarantula on stilts - why not set the spittoon on him? It is done, and the projecting ends of his paws give a luminous idea of the magnitude of his reach. Then to bed and become a promenade for a centipede with forty-two legs on a side and every foot hot enough to burn a whole through a raw-hide. More soaking with alcohol, and a resolution to examine the bed before entering it, in future. Then wait, and suffer, till all the mosquitoes in the neighborhood have crawled in under the bar, then slip out quickly, shut them in and sleep peacefully on the floor till morning. Meantime, it is comforting to curse the tropics in occasional wakeful intervals. ~ Mark Twain

What's the big deal with France? How come everyone wants to go there? Let me tell you about France. Their music sucks. Their movies suck. Their berets suck. Their croissants are pretty good, but the place overall still sucks.My family went there once on the way to visit Dad's homeland family. EuroDisney. Need I say more? ~ David Levithan

People never like to talk about their slower relatives. I got a cousin, twice removed, got webs between his toes, ain't said one word his whole life. You never hear about him in the family newsletter that goes around every Christmas. Hell, nobody mentions me, either, if it comes to that. Families is funny about who they advertise. ~ Susan Juby

You gonna have dinner with her and everything?"
Grant lifted a brow but managed to keep his composure. Everything, he reminded himself, meant different things to different people. At the moment it conjured up rather provocative images in his brain. "Things are presently unsettled," he murmured, using one of Macintosh's stock phrases. Catching himself, he grinned. "Yeah, we're going to have dinner." And something, he added as he strolled out after Gennie.
"What was all that about?" she demanded.
"Man talk."
"Oh,I beg your pardon."
The way she said it-very antebellum and disdainful-made him laugh and pull her into his arms to kiss her in full view of all of Windy Point.As the embrace lingered on,Grant caught the muffled crash from inside Fairfield's. "Poor Will," he murmured. "I know just how he feels." Humor flashed into his eyes again. "I better start around in the boat if we're going to have dinner...and everything."
Confused by his uncharacteristic lightheartedness, Gennie gave him a long stare. "All right," she said after a moment. "I'll meet you there. ~ Nora Roberts

A typical day in the life of a heavy metal musician consists of a round of golf and an AA meeting. ~ Billy Joel

How much of my fever-induced dream was real? I felt safe assuming that my time as a bee was fiction, as well as a few mythological animals that I swear I'd seen. Then I'd lived on the sun with aliens. ~ Cora Carmack

My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

People have found her somber, but it is sometimes because her humor is so deadpan dry that it escapes many. ~ Irin Carmon

When I hosted the dinner I served fast food hamburgers. It had nothing to do with black, white, purple, yellow, green race. it had nothing to do with Tiger or his family or his golf game. ~ Fuzzy Zoeller

I'll show thee best springs; I'll pluck thee berries;
I'llift fish for thee and get thee wood enough.
A plague upon the tyrant that I serve!
I'll bear him no sticks, but follow thee,
Thou wondrous man.
---Caliban
(Act II, scene 2, lines 158-162) ~ William Shakespeare

Blood and I have an unspoken agreement. It stays inside the body, and I don't throw up. Once it escapes, the agreement is broken. ~ Nicolette Pierce