Unexpected Humor Quotes

I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them. ~ Steve Martin

Grabbing Jeremy's lapels, Nick pulled him closer, grasping him not with fingers but with claws. His face inches away from Jeremy's, his eyes burning red, his fangs sharp and gleaming, he screamed, "BECAUSE YOU'RE MINE! NO ONE THREATENS WHAT'S MINE AND WALKS AWAY!" His growl rumbled through the room, ratcheting down into the subsonic. "I WILL BURN DOWN WHOLE ARMIES BEFORE I LET THEM TAKE YOU FROM ME!"...

"Jesus, big brother," said Toby. "I know vampires are territorial when it comes to their mates, but you're way out in front for the possessive macho bullshit award."

Nick sighed. "I know. I've got to work on that. ~ Arshad Ahsanuddin

What were you chanting when you gave me your blood?"
"More of my vampire magic. I cast a healing spell to aid the powers of my blood."
She sniffled, her nose stuffy. "It was better than Vicodin."
"Vicodin?"
"A painkiller from my world."
"A killer of pain. Did you love him?" The words were growled.A burst of unexpected humor gave her strength. "No. In fact, he was hard to shake. He, uh, stalked me, that kind of thing. I had to pretend he didn't
exist."
Nicolai kissed her temple and relaxed against her. ~ Gena Showalter

But why? Why did someone kill you? Someone here, in this building, that we must use logic to deduce whom was the murderer...or murderess!" Rebonka scanned the crowd, and saw nothing out of the ordinary! She pleaded, on her knees, to all the ears who heard her, "Whom? Whom! Whom-done-it?! ~ Mark Gunk

Here's to freedom, cheers to art. Here's to having an excellent adventure and may the stopping never start. ~ Jason Mraz

Yes, Harry Potter!" said Dobby at once, his great eyes shining with excitement. "And if Dobby does it wrong, Dobby will throw himself off the topmost tower, Harry Potter!"
"There won't be any need for that," said Harry hastily. ~ J.K. Rowling

Some smart alecs of those days after World War I used to say: The French fought for liberty, the British fought to control the seas, but the Americans fought for souvenirs. ~ Harry Truman

If you cry 'Forward' you must be sure to make clear the direction in which to go. Don't you see that if you fail to do that and simply call out the word to a monk and a revolutionary, they will go in precisely opposite directions? ~ Anton Chekhov

I look at him.
"It's odious," he says.
"Detention?" I ask, confused.
"Huh?"
We have no idea what the other is talking about.
"What's odious?" I ask.
"O.D.S," he says, pointing to his discman and obviously referring to some dropkick band.
Like I really care. ~ Melina Marchetta

That was 1993 grunge in suburbia. This was 2003 hell in Harlem. (Dark City Lights) ~ Eve Kagan

By the way, don't you think shoving a light bulb up baby Jesus' butt and plugging it in is just a little sacrilegious? ~ Dana Marie Bell

When you really merge with someone, it's not that you merge with them, you're merging with love. ~ Art Hochberg

She needs tampons. Evidently it helps with this process. We have to secure the location of where they are being sold, acquire them and then get them back to my mate posthaste. ~ Alanea Alder

In the past, it was known as a "massive stroke," and you simply died. But improved resuscitation techniques have now prolonged and refined the agony. ~ Jean-Dominique Bauby

That being said, some of my favorite poets are extremely funny. The aforementioned Matt Rohrer, for instance. Mary Ruefle. James Tate might be the best example of someone who is systematically misread because he can be hilarious. In his poems, as in all great funny poems, the humor is one very appealing version of the surprise and associative movement that is at the heart of all poetry. ~ Matthew Zapruder

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television. ~ Woody Allen

Totalitarian systems are notably devoid of humor at every level. Laughter, which brings acceptance and freedom, is a threat to their rule through force and intimidation. It is hard to oppress people who have a good sense of humor. Beware the humorless, whether in a person, institution, or belief system; it is always accompanied by an impulse to control and dominate, even if its proclaimed objective is to create prosperity or peace. ~ David R. Hawkins

I swear to Go, if I see one of you girls anywhere near us, I'll have your prospective spouses whip you, fifties-style. ~ Amelie Fisher

We can't be happy all the time. If we were we wouldn't be people, we would be game show hosts. ~ Laurence O'Keefe

You see the lighted windows and what you want to think is that there may be many interesting stories behind them, but what you know is that really there are just dull, dull souls, mere consumers of food, who think their instincts are emotions and their tiny lives of more account than a whisper of wind. ~ Terry Pratchett

There were some days that deserved to be drowned at birth and everyone sent back to bed with a hot brandy, a box of chocolates and a warm, energetic companion. Today was without question one of those days. ~ Diana Pharaoh Francis

[I'm] as broke as the ten commandments. ~ P.G. Wodehouse

The first thing the therapist asked me was, 'Are you here because you're depressed?' I said, 'Not at all--I'm here because I'm Southern.'" Anne Herndon ~ Maryln Schwartz

Our listeners asked us:
"What is chaos?"
We're answering:
"We do not comment on economic policy. ~ John Vaillant

A general is like a writer who wants to write a play, or a book, but whom the book itself, with the unexpected options that it reveals at one point, the impasse it presents at another, causes to deviate extensively from his preconceived plan. ~ Marcel Proust

It's like one of those affairs in books," said Bailey disgustedly."Someone trying to think up a new way to do a murder. Silly, I call it."

"What do you say, Roper?" said Alleyn.

"To my way of thinking, sir," said Sergeant Roper, "these thrillers are ruining our criminal classes. ~ Ngaio Marsh

Like I tell our kids, 'Your Mom isn't always right and I'm not always right. But together, WE'RE ALWAYS right! ~ J. Thomas Steele

I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said "No, one drag is enough". ~ Rodney Dangerfield

Even though your kids will consistently do the exact opposite of what you're telling them to do, you have to keep loving them just as much. ~ Bill Cosby

I think you have to be careful about not hurting someone. The last thing I'd want to do is make a fool of someone, unless they saw the humor in it. ~ Charlyne Yi

I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it". ~ Rodney Dangerfield

This has to be one of the strangest standoffs in history. 'No, please, you air your grievances first.' 'No, no, I couldn't possibly. ~ Katee Robert

But she just couldn't stop checking her phone; she wanted
to stop, tried to stop, but the pull would not let her go. It was
a strange experience for her to be doing the obsessive phone-checking
thing. Vanessa talked about it, and she had heard stories
about it from other friends. One date with a guy and suddenly
the phone becomes like an appendage endowed with some super
power to predict your future. ~ Jacqueline Simon Gunn

Despite what you think you know, most people don't want to fight, especially when evenly matched. ... That's why you see those pissed young men doing the dance of "don't hold me back" while desperately hoping someone likes them enough to hold them back. ~ Ben Aaronovitch

'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.' ~ Tommy Cooper

General fiction is pretty much about ways that people get into problems and screw their lives up. Science fiction is about everything else. ~ Marvin Minsky

Whatever the occasion, do not neglect alcohol. No other refreshment will do. Yes, alcohol kills brain cells, but it's very selective. It only kills the brain cells that contain good sense, shame, embarrassment, and restraint. ~ P. J. O'Rourke

Her name badge read: Hello! My name is DIE, DEMIGOD SCUM! ~ Rick Riordan

I was nearly unnerved at my proximity to a nameless thing at the bottom of a pit. ~ H.P. Lovecraft

Life in Lubbock, Texas taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth, and you should save it for someone you love. ~ Nikki Sex

I used to think that fifteen would be nearly grown up," said her sister Naomi, "until you started being it ~ Hilary McKay

Selfishness from earth to hereafter: Thy pray and struggle, same by thee. Because life committed selfishness in living with the Democracy. ~ Deh Gel

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice? ~ Kurt Cobain

Political debate: when charlatans come together to discuss their principles. ~ Bauvard

Jemmy dipped the quill in beet juice and continued scribbling. "I'll tell him you've got reserved seats in Hell."
"Aye! That's the ticket! ~ Sid Fleischman

I have nothing to declare except my genius. ~ Oscar Wilde

I used to carry a rabbit's foot for luck. Then it was a monkey's paw. Now it's a camel's toe. ~ Kristen Schaal