Dry Humor Quotes

Don't be a scaredy-human," called Emerald. "Gran-Doyen says I can't burn you up, so I won't." Then under her breath, she added, "Though accidents do happen." (Emerald to Ethan) ~ Jackie Castle

His father was an ass and he is an ass. I imagine sooner than I should like I shall be playing uncle to a litter of asses. ~ T.A. Miles

The devolution of American culture takes another great step forward ~ Michael Chabon

She ought to go down to the beach. It was Thursday, early closing, and it seemed ungrateful to live so close to the sea and never look at it for weeks on end. ~ Penelope Fitzgerald

When your legs and arms are being torn from your body, you console yourself that you've not yet been beheaded. Of course, right? When your nerves are being extracted strand by strand and your flesh is being dried drop by drop, you simply see past the blood and the bones and think: Hey, at least they haven't torn me apart at the cellular level yet.
Unnerving logic. ~ Angela Panayotopulos

Some humans would do anything to see if it was possible to do it. If you put a large switch in some cave somewhere, with a sign on it saying 'End-of-the-World Switch. PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH', the paint wouldn't even have time to dry. ~ Terry Pratchett

You got me a birthday cake. It was pink. I smashed it into the ceiling. ~ Karen Marie Moning

I'm prone to paper cuts. ~ Abigail Roux

Stick to journalism, Mr Cort, where you never have to understand anything. ~ Iain Pears

One marker, which I would read a bit later on, tells the familiar story of Narcissa Whitman, "trail-blazer and martyred missionary," who followed the north side of the Platte in 1836 on horseback, "becoming the first white women to cross the American continent," and who, along with her husband, Marcus, was "massacred by Cayuse Indians" at their Protestant mission in 1847 in Walla Walla, Washington. (The Indians there were justifiably enraged at the whites for spreading measles to them.) ~ Robert D. Kaplan

I tend to like dry humor. ~ Dan Scanlon

Surely there was not another soul in England that could delude themselves like I could. ~ Sharon Cameron

When I began a diet a week before my stroke, I never dreamed of such a dramatic result. ~ Jean-Dominique Bauby

The perfumes of lords and ladies tickled at my nose: lavender and orange oil. On the road, shit has the decency to stink. ~ Mark Lawrence

I've got it! Let's get Alex married off as quickly as possible. That will make it easier for all of us!" Nick spoke with dry humor, "I'm not sure it would make it easier for Alex." Kit feigned disappointment. "Nor her husband, I suspect." "I don't expect many men will be too thrilled at the prospect of courting Alex, to be honest, what with having us to contend with," Will said, then added, "I confess, the only thing I am looking forward to is terrifying her potential suitors." Kit chuckled. "It's an additional benefit that, in terrifying them, we shall infuriate her." The ~ Sarah MacLean

I like very dry humor. I don't like things that are over the top. I like subtlety. I like things that are nonchalant. I like characters that are sort of monotone and based in dark comedy. ~ Emily Rios

Make us human, they demanded
Agatha blanched. Since when could she understand animals?
Save us, princess, they cried.
Since when could she understand delusional animals? ~ Soman Chainani

Dad lost his job. Then he got a new job. Then he got his old job back and went back to it. They were all in the same building. ~ Aimee Bender

Quincy laughed. "If I were Elizabeth I shouldn't thank either of you for that comforting diagnosis. Would it do any good to open Aunt Sarai's grave and drive a stake through her? If you believe in as much sorcery as that, you must regret the days of witch-burners, Carew."

Carew said quietly, "No. Witch-burners were barbarous blunderers. If I wanted to suppress a dangerous letter, could I do it by burning the envelope and leaving the letter loose? The witch would come back unchanged; I should merely have postponed the danger until another time and place. And have further handicapped myself to meet it, by depriving the witch, by violent death, of the years allotted her, or him, for evolution."

Joseph said with dry humor, "She might not have used them for that, Carew. At least not for your idea of it."

Carew shrugged. "That would be her responsibility, not mine. And, in any case, she would be that many years nearer the time of her inevitable change."

This time Joseph did not answer, only smiled. ~ Evangeline Walton

Kien exhaled his relief. Until he saw the welcoming committee.
Bryce and Prill rushed toward Ela and Kien, exultant. Followed by Lorteus, the royal fightmaster. An unpleasant grin widened in Lorteus' battered face, and his voice grated harsh in Kien's ears. "Welcome sir! I've been sent ahead by order of our king to direct your recovery-seeing's how you nearly died by failing to heed my lessons. Good of his majesty, isn't it?"
Oh yes. Killing good. Kien rested a hand on the Azurnite sword-just in case-and he managed to look stern. "Fine. But not now Lorteus!"
"Of course not, sir' Lorteus agreed flatly. "Tonight, I clean the weapons. At dawn, I'll fetch you for work-to overcome your failure. Be ready."
As Ela linked her arm in his, Kien hissed, "He's going to kill me!"
"Hmm." Ela smiled and hugged him while they crossed the courtyard. "We think he's already done some good, sir. You're walking faster now. ~ R.J. Larson

Nemo suggested that it might be some monster giant but his papa called him a "rattlebrain" and ordered him to pacify his mama who was making elaborate plans to faint. ~ Winsor McCay

John F. Kennedy "is, in reality, a deeply serious man, reflective in his mental habits, historically minded, and given to seeing men and nations and events in the sobering context that history provides.

As a human being, he is often humorous, easily bored by total routine but open to all fresh experiences, careless of the superficialities of life, warmly loyal to his friends, and oddly detached about himself. His most curious trait, in fact, is his way of discussing his most vital affairs with the dry humor and cool analytical remoteness that most people reserve for the affairs of others. – Joseph Alsop ~ David Pietrusza

Dyspepsia is responsible for many a reputation for romantic melancholy or ungovernable rages. ~ Agatha Christie

Duncan,we're still in prison," Frederic said dryly. "You're not going to see anything except this cell. Which has spiders, by the way. Have you noticed the spiders?" "Indeed I have: Carmen, Zippy, and Dr. T," Duncan said. ~ Christopher Healy

Democracy is a poor system; the only thing that can be said for it is that it's eight times as good as any other method. ~ Robert A. Heinlein

Most of you Mistborn are probably too proud to crawl. I'm surprised you were willing to do so yourself."
"Too proud to crawl?" Kelsier said. "Nosense! Why, I'd say that we Mistborn are too proud not to be humble enough to go crawling about--in a dignified manner, of course."
Dockson frowned, approaching the desk. "Kell, that didn't make any sense."
"We Mistborn need not make sense. ~ Brandon Sanderson

In the past, it was known as a "massive stroke," and you simply died. But improved resuscitation techniques have now prolonged and refined the agony. ~ Jean-Dominique Bauby

When the Attorney-General ceased, a buzz arose in the court as if a cloud of great blue-flies were swarming about the prisoner, in anticipation of what he was soon to become. ~ Charles Dickens

Mounting anything on a plaque instantly transforms it from trash into an award. For example, a dry disposable pen goes from junk clutter to the first annual writer's award for dry humor. ~ Jarod Kintz

Life is short. Eat dessert first
-Wendy Mass, Jeremy Fink And The Meaning Of Life ~ Wendy Mass

Richard didn't mind Gwyn being rich ... Having always been poor was good preparation for being rich. Better than having always been rich ... The well and all its sweet water would surely one day run dry. ~ Martin Amis

I could tell you what my good qualities are. There's my honesty; I have a very wacky, kind of dry humor that a lot of people don't get to see. ~ Shannen Doherty

I have lived as plain Mr. Jinnah and I hope to die as plain Mr. Jinnah. I am very much averse to any title or honours and I will be more than happy if there was no prefix to my name. ~ Muhammad Ali Jinnah

What do you need?" I asked, sitting beside him and fumbling through the mishmash in my lap. "How about this?"
I examined a container and read the label.
"Will belladonna do?"
"That's a poison, dear.I'd prefer if you didn't give me that." Even with his ghastly injury,his dry humor survived. ~ Cayla Kluver

France was at peace; one couldn't shoot the bearers of bad news. ~ Jean-Dominique Bauby

We shall not lie on our backs at the Red Castle and watch the vultures wheeling over the valley where they killed the grandson of Genghiz. We will not read Babur's memoirs in his garden at Istalif and see the blind man smelling his way around the rose bushes. Or sit in the Peace of Islam with the beggars of Gazar Gagh. We will not stand on the Buddha's head at Bamiyan, upright in his niche like a whale in a dry-dock. We will not sleep in the nomad tent, or scale the Minaret of Jam. And we shall lose the tastes - the hot, coarse, bitter bread; the green tea flavoured with cardamoms; the grapes we cooled in the snow-melt; and the nuts and dried mulberries we munched for altitude sickness. Nor shall we get back the smell of the beanfields, the sweet, resinous smell of deodar wood burning, or the whiff of a snow leopard at 14,000 feet. ~ Bruce Chatwin

Some people say a person receives a position in this church through revelation, and others say they get it through inspiration, but I say they get it through relation. If I hadn't been related to Heber C. Kimball I wouldn't have been a damn thing in this church. ~ J. Golden Kimball

The idea of being strong for someone else having never entered their heads, I find myself in the position of having to console them. Since I'm the person going in to be slaughtered, this is somewhat annoying. ~ Suzanne Collins

What to do if you find yourself stuck in a crack in the ground underneath a giant boulder you can't move, with no hope of rescue. Consider how lucky you are that life has been good to you so far. Alternatively, if life hasn't been good to you so far, which given your current circumstances seems more likely, consider how lucky you are that it won't be troubling you much longer. ~ Douglas Adams

Women were tricky creatures under the best of circumstances. This was not the best of circumstances. ~ Genevieve Dewey

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred. ~ Woody Allen

Thierry had no idea why they were called French doors. His native countrymen weren't stupid enough to put them in their homes. ~ Lynn Viehl

The skinny Doya-sensei, in his cotton clothing, appeared on stage. He had braved the elements, walking as straight as a needle. Exposed to the dry wind, he looked like an old withered gourd. The sound of hands clapping filled the air. The clapping of hands is not necessarily the same as applause. Takayanagi alone sat silently and adjusted his collar.

"Man is a link between the past and the future."

Doya-sensei began abruptly. The audience was taken by surprise. No one started his lecture this way.

"Those who carry over the past into the future are called conservative; those who save the future from the past are called progressive."

The audience was more puzzled than before. Among the audience of three hundred were those who came to jeer Doya-sensei. Like sumo wrestlers in a ring, they watched for a chance to take advantage of their opponent. They were poised like a snake ready to strike. In Doya-sensei's vision there was nothing but the Way.

"If you say you have no past in yourself, you may as well say you have no parents. If you say you have no future in yourself, you may as well say you have no capacity to beget children. One's standpoint should be clear from this. Either to live for your parents, to live for your children, or to live for yourself: your mission in life can be only one of these three alternatives. ~ Natsume Sōseki

With one out in the first, Dave Roberts looks a lot better than the last time he pitched against the Padres! ~ Jerry Coleman

Really, these wizards! You'd think no one had ever had a cold before! Well, what is it?" she asked, hobbling through the bedroom door onto the filthy carpet.
"I'm dying of boredom," Howl said pathetically. "Or maybe just dying. ~ Diana Wynne Jones

To better understand our love, I revisited chemical kinetics. ~ Amanda Mosher

What exactly did having needs mean, while he was on the subject? That Delaney needed to have sex? that she craved an orgasm? And if that were the case, why couldn't she just take care of the matter on her won in the privacy of her home without putting him through all this torture? Anything was preferable to the thought of her being with Jake. ~ Sarah Mayberry

Daddy was hilarious. He could take the most mundane event and tell it so that we all on the floor laughing. He trained me in the joys of humor. ~ Karen DeCrow

Look what the cat dragged in," Ms. Skoglund said. "Were you waylaid by all your female admirers?"
"It's nothing like that," the boy said. "Besides, you know I only have eyes for you."
"Sure you do," Ms. Skoglund said. "I mean, why bother with one of those skinny little things your age when you can go for someone who's trying to lose another thirty pounds before her twenty-year class reunion next summer? That makes sense. ~ Jon S. Lewis

Sense of humor is more about the ability to take a joke than the ability to make it. ~ Nitya Prakash

Isn't it funny how the memories you cherish before a breakup can become your worst enemies afterwards? The thoughts you loved to think about, the memories you wanted to hold up to the light and view from every angle
it suddenly seems a lot safer to lock them in a box, far from the light of day and throw away the key. It's not an act of bitterness. It's an act if self-preservation. It's not always a bad idea to stay behind the window and look out at life instead, is it? ~ Ally Condie

Oh to break loose like the chinook
salmon jumping and falling back,
nosing up to the impossible
stone and bone-crushing waterfall ...
Time to grub up and junk the year's
output, a dead wood of dry verse:
dim confession, coy revelation,
liftings, listless self-imitation,
whole days when I could hardly speak,
came pluming home unshaven, weak
and willing to read anyone
things done before and better done ... ~ Robert Lowell

I'm probably sterile. At least I can stop worrying about getting girls pregnant (if I ever get to have sex with them). Do you still get horny if your nuts are broken? My eyes open, and I find Andre standing over me, saying, "I felt your nads through my helmet!" I stop writhing for a second to give him props. "That's gold, dude! ~ Brent Crawford

As I walked out one evening,
Walking down Bristol Street,
The crowds upon the pavement
Were fields of harvest wheat.

And down by the brimming river
I heard a lover sing
Under an arch of the railway:
"Love has no ending.

"I'll love you, dear, I'll love you
Till China and Africa meet,
And the river jumps over the mountain
And the salmon sing in the street,

"I'll love till the ocean
Is folded and hung up to dry
And the seven stars go squawking
Like geese about the sky.

"The years shall run like rabbits,
For in my arms I hold
The Flower of the Ages,
And the first love of the world."

But all the clocks in the city
Began to whirr and chime:
"O let not Time deceive you,
You cannot conquer Time.

"In the burrows of the Nightmare
Where Justice naked is,
Time watches from the shadow
And coughs when you would kiss.

"In headaches and in worry
Vaguely life leaks away,
And Time will have his fancy
Tomorrow or today.

"Into many a green valley
Drifts the appalling snow;
Time breaks the threaded dances
And the diver's brilliant bow.

"O plunge your hands in water,
Plunge them in up to the wrist;
Stare, stare in the basin
And wonder what you've missed.

"The glacier knocks in the cupboard,
The desert sighs in the be ~ W.H. Auden

Sick"

"I cannot go to school today,"
Said little Peggy Ann McKay.
"I have the measles and the mumps,
A gash, a rash and purple bumps.
My mouth is wet, my throat is dry,
I'm going blind in my right eye.
My tonsils are as big as rocks,
I've counted sixteen chicken pox
And there's one more--that's seventeen,
And don't you think my face looks green?
My leg is cut--my eyes are blue--
It might be instamatic flu.
I cough and sneeze and gasp and choke,
I'm sure that my left leg is broke--
My hip hurts when I move my chin,
My belly button's caving in,
My back is wrenched, my ankle's sprained,
My 'pendix pains each time it rains.
My nose is cold, my toes are numb.
I have a sliver in my thumb.
My neck is stiff, my voice is weak,
I hardly whisper when I speak.
My tongue is filling up my mouth,
I think my hair is falling out.
My elbow's bent, my spine ain't straight,
My temperature is one-o-eight.
My brain is shrunk, I cannot hear,
There is a hole inside my ear.
I have a hangnail, and my heart is--what?
What's that? What's that you say?
You say today is. . .Saturday?
G'bye, I'm going out to play! ~ Shel Silverstein

Death was a cold and endless place. At least life served vodka. ~ Sonja Yoerg

He cleared his throat, very carefully, to bring the stillness to a more bearable level without breaking the unwritten rule that governs both churches and freshly fallen blankets of snow. ~ Anna Mattaar

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being. ~ Henny Youngman

i prefer to think of the good times. Like when you held my hair as I was vomiting into a bucket. ~ Leigh Bardugo

Life is not a tragedy, it is a comedy. To be alive means to have a sense of humor. ~ Rajneesh

V.L.A.D.: Vampire League Against Discrimination. ~ Carrie Vaughn

We are unable to discount the hypotheses that the world began three years ago. ~ Nagaru Tanigawa

Fuck you!"
Randy pulled a squirt bottle from his desk and sprayed us both. "Hush," he said.
Jin winced "Now, that's just unprofessional!"
"Quit bitching," I said, shaking the water off my face.
"You may be used to taking shots in the face, but I'm not," he said.
Okay, that was a good one. "Go fuck yourself," I said. ~ Andy Weir

To me, 'Scream' is a masterpiece on every level - the performances, the humor, the tone - it's just flawless. ~ Marley Shelton

Adlestrop
Yes, I remember Adlestrop
The name, because one afternoon
Of heat the express-train drew up there
Unwontedly. It was late June.
The steam hissed. Someone cleared his throat.
No one left and no one came
On the bare platform. What I saw
Was Adlestrop
only the name
And willows, willow-herb, and grass,
And meadowsweet, and haycocks dry,
No whit less still and lonely fair
Than the high cloudlets in the sky.
And for that minute a blackbird sang
Close by, and round him, mistier,
Farther and farther, all the birds
Of Oxfordshire and Gloucestershire.
~ Edward Thomas

I'm a heavy smoker. I go through two lighters a day. ~ Bill Hicks

He's not wearing ... " Charlotte began.
"I know. He doesn't," Lydia answered. ~ Michelle M. Pillow

Am I my brother's keeper? Yes. Interestingly, in my case, I share that honor with the Prospect Park Zoo. ~ Woody Allen

So. Monday. We meet again.
We will never be friends - but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more-positive partnership. ~ Julio Alexi Genao

It was in this byre, littered with dry and hollow cowclaps subsiding with a sigh at the poke of my finger, that for the first time in my life, and I would not hesitate to say the last if I had not to husband my cyanide, I had to contend with a feeling which gradually assumed, to my dismay, the dread name of love. ~ Samuel Beckett

I've got a great sense of humor, and if I'm able to say or do something in a movie that people feel like they want to repeat, that's hugely flattering. ~ Matthew McConaughey

In fact, you couldn't even be sure that everything you had assumed to be an expression of your black, unfettered self
the humor, the song, the behind-the-back pass
had been freely chosen by you. At best, these things were a refuge; at worst, a trap. Following this maddening logic, the only thing you could choose as your own was withdrawal into a smaller and smaller coil of rage, until being black meant only the knowledge of your own powerlessness, of your own defeat. And the final irony: Should you refuse this defeat and lash out at your captors, they would have a name for that, too, a name that could cage you just as good. Paranoid. Militant. Violent. Nigger. ~ Barack Obama

No, Carolyn, you can't petition PETA to get a waiver from dissecting the frog. The frog's already dead. It donated itself to science. Don't let its sacrifice be in vain. -Brandon ~ Abigail Roux

There were a lot of botched kills throughout the eastern part of Kentucky when the work fell outside his control. Six or seven years ago, a man from Perry County was shot point blank in the head and left for dead in the middle of downtown. Problem was, the bullet had traveled between the man's scalp and his skull halfway across his head and exited the same way it had entered on the other side. The whole thing had left him with only fingernail-sized contusions on both sides of his head. He identified the guy who shot him and saw him arrested and convicted of attempted murder.
Now, it's true that a situation like that was a rare one, but part of doing a job right was minimizing the chance for something to go wrong. ~ Sheldon Lee Compton

I'm not changing the subject, just providing a methodical walkthrough of your fragile glass house and very impressive stone collection. ~ Colette Moody

Vegetables are organized bodies that grow on the dry areas of the globe and within its waters. Their function is to combine immediately the four elements and to serve as food for animals. ~ Antoine Lavoisier

Life is like a recycling center, where all the concerns and dramas of humankind get recycled back and forth across the universe. But what you have to offer is your own sensibility, maybe your own sense of humor or insider pathos or meaning. All of us can sing the same song, and there will still be four billion different renditions. ~ Anne Lamott

I don't think you truly realize what it means for the gates of Tyersall Park to be closed to you forever."

Nick laughed. "Jacqueline, you sound like some character out of a Trollope novel! ~ Kevin Kwan

Our bodies speak, if you would only listen. They speak another language: the mother tongue. It's half the puzzle, the missing pieces you have been searching for, the how and why behind the symptoms you fixate on, the whole behind the healing, which cannot be found at the bottom of a bottle of pills.
But you do not speak our language. My sick sisterhood, whose bodies have been felled by mysterious illnesses, bearing the arcane names of men long dead, to signify their suffering with no cure, no hope. The mothers who long for answers to the questions that their bodies are living, for soul-utions to the protest against this cold, hard world.
Into their dry hungry mouths are dropped pills not answers. Prescriptions and descriptions of symptoms – not cures or laws to halt the toxic corporate world that is allowed to carry on felling us like trees in the Amazon…
Each woman is an Amazon. But she does not know it. Instead she is treated. Separately. Her pile of notes, her bills, growing higher. Each one believes the sickness is hers alone. Each is sent home, ignored, tolerated.
Alone. In the darkness.
Until one day Medicine Woman arises within her.
And there in the centre of her pain she finds her outrage, her strength, her persistence as she searches for answers. She finds the will to die to this world and the right to live a different life where she is honoured for the value of her soul, not the sweat of her brow.
She begins to understand the messa ~ Lucy H. Pearce

No one ever excused his way to success. ~ Dave Del Dotto