Jacqueline Simon Gunn Quotes

Not trusting him and him not being trustworthy are two different things.

She ached for him to touch her. As much as her words said "we can't" and as much as she was saying "no" in her head, her heart was saying "please kiss me."

"Please just grab me and kiss me before I can say no.

The truth, a truth, and reality are not always the same.

I suffer from chronic nostalgia. Looking back makes me dizzy, queasy, and I yearn for it, ache for it. I want it back; maybe the homesickness will leave then.

But it's not the way I remember it. I long for a past that I didn't have, for the same experiences with different emotions, without the pain, without the ambivalence, without the fear. My heart remembers two different lives and I long for the one I can only see now, in retrospect.

Life is ephemeral; each moment passes quickly, a blur of color on a fast moving subway car. There and gone and all we are left with is the imprint of what once was.

We can reach untainted experiential freedom, by living in the moment as it is - without contemplation. Here we find the possibility of freedom - of just being - living as our authentic self. We are our true nature. We are one and whole.

Empty Spaces

I wanted to feel less.
To not be burdened by emotion,
To not feel sadness,
To not know loss.
I envied the inanimate,
The trees that stand proudly in winter,
Not missing their leaves.
I wanted to be weightless,
To not experience limitation.
I didn't want time to pass,
The blur of days, months, years.
It moved too quickly,
I wanted to grasp on,
Hold it.
It eluded me,
Intangible,
Like light.
I wanted to preserve life before you were gone.
I didn't want to know grief.

But the pain kept me connected.
It meant that I loved you,
It meant that I would always be a little broken,
It meant that our love filled all of the empty spaces.
It meant that you would be with me... forever.

I used to think that life was only about progress, getting to a destination, the final outcome. But this isn't quite right. Life is more of a process, and as much as goals are important, the in-the-moment experiences along the way are really where authentic living takes place. Running has taught me this. In fact, running has been my greatest teacher of life.

You are the stars hidden by clouds. I know you're there even when I can't see you. Your shine peeks out and reaches me in the depths of my soul. Tell me your arms are long enough to reach me across oceans. Tell me someday we will be together, somehow, some way. Tell me that this love we have can survive being together as well as we've survived being apart. Tell me we are more than the chasm of our divide.

Jacob being sensitive is an endowment. Think about all you'd miss out on if you didn't feel things so deeply, or see things so clearly."
"But feeling good things deeply means you feel bad things deeply, too."
"Would you rather walk around oblivious to the meaning of things hidden under the surface and the opportunities to feel wonder and joy? Would you want to miss out on moments that take your breath away?

She wore her vulnerability like red lipstick, with nothing else.

Her thoughts were like the moon eclipsing the sun.

Not everyone is going to love us. And that's OK. There's nothing like rejection to make a vulnerable person question their worth. But do not let your reflection in the mirror be distorted by what you imagined someone else saw.

Sometimes I miss you, which is strange, because you weren't at all the way I remember you.

Sweat dripped down his chest. She never thought she could envy a piece of fabric, until she saw the T-shirt kissing his skin the way she wanted to.

The sun glowed behind the monotonous, gray January sky, a tease of light through the heavy hazy. Noah gazed out the window. He hated when the sun shined against the overcast sky creating a white, blinding glare while the ball of yellow remained hidden, a tantalizing possibility without a promise. Maybe it would poke through; maybe it wouldn't. That type of sun was a capricious as a woman.

I can't reconcile who he was, the man who was so kind and loving and considerate, with who he is now. I know the truth is who I'm seeing now, but I keep hoping the former man will come back. It's like I love someone who doesn't even exist.

Between the empty spaces is a place called forever.

But she just couldn't stop checking her phone; she wanted
to stop, tried to stop, but the pull would not let her go. It was
a strange experience for her to be doing the obsessive phone-checking
thing. Vanessa talked about it, and she had heard stories
about it from other friends. One date with a guy and suddenly
the phone becomes like an appendage endowed with some super
power to predict your future.

Sometimes the beginnings of relationships are the hardest. People always say the beginning is the easiest, but two people trying to let their guards down and be open to intimacy can be hard too.

Sometimes when we least expect it, love gives us a second chance.

Sometimes we have to get out of our own way.

I loved the way I could feel him deep in my soul.

All I wanted was to merge with the same person who had broken me, thinking that he was the only one who could fill in all the little crevices making me feel whole again.

I'm not extraordinary in any traditional sense. I don't need to stand out. I'm often overwhelmed by attention. But I will tell you this. I will soar above those walls that you think protect you. I will believe in you as hard as I can and never let go of who I know you can be. I will be vulnerable enough to let the world break me, but strong enough to never wear the armor. I will stand over every line and make you believe you can do the same. It's an unquietness I feel deep inside. It's not about being extraordinary, you see. It's not about standing out. It's simply about shedding all that's false. And believing with everything I have that you can too.

I step outside, easy at first... there is noise; I don't hear it. There are people; I don't see them... I see the water; I am alongside it. There is a big hill; I conquer it. A mile of grass; I fly across it. With each step I am stronger, and then faster. My body engages; I am really flying; I am one with the road, but I no longer feel it. With every step forward I am faster and freer. Nothing can touch me; no one can find me. What I find is the truth. I find myself... I am a runner.

Life is messy. No matter how hard we try to create order, something happens to cause the structure we created to falter. Maybe that's the only way for us to learn. If everything stayed neat and orderly, then we would never be forced to grow and change. We need something unexpected to help us make sense of where we are and to guide us to where we need to go.

You don't have to act strong when you are strong.
It is only those who are strong enough to risk being broken that are truly unbreakable.

I learned to run toward the pain, not away from it. There is nothing like that feeling: pushing, your legs like two powerhouses, your cadence a seemingly effortless rhythm in sync with your mind, every emotional pain you ever experienced washed away by your power to endure. A personal thought I often have after a great run: The pain of running relieves the pain of living.

I wanted to tell you that life is a lot shorter than you could ever have imagined. And those people that love you that you think will be there forever, won't be. I wanted to tell you not to waste your time pretending to live without really living. Take your shoes off when everyone has theirs on. Wear what you want. Say how you feel. And say it often. Say it when you're most afraid to. Love so hard that it hurts. Don't pretend to be someone to make other people comfortable, and don't let others steal your confidence because they are struggling with their own.

I want to hear that you lived your life free of the restrictions that others wanted to choke you with. I want to hear that you had the courage to risk it all, once. That you soaked every last tear out of that heartbreak and are stronger for it. I want to hear that you feel the wind and the rain and the sun. I want to hear you scream so loud that the clouds shake. Because this is all you have. All we have. Right now. I don't want you to wake up one day and realize that you spent so much time worrying about life that you forgot to live it.

Life can be difficult at times and many questions have no answers. The determination it takes to go on and the resiliency required of the human spirit to find joy is an integral part of existing as human. Running is symbolic of this struggle. The joy and satisfaction come from meeting the challenge head on, and realizing that just when you think you cannot go on anymore, if you pull deep from within yourself,you will find strength beyond anything imaginable.

We must love those close to us, all the time, every day. Moments only happen once. Make them matter.

I love you. I loved you every day since I first met you. No matter what, that will never change." His admission caught her off-guard. It diffused her rage. She could see the passion, the anguish, the wanting, the love, all of it in his eyes as he said with undeniable vehemence that he would never stop loving her. And as she looked into his eyes, she knew that she would never stop loving him either.

And it hurt to love him.

She was the kind of woman a person could die over or kill over.

I wish I could hold time in my hands. I wish I could talk to it. Oh, how I would ask it to give me just a few more increments of its elusive power. How can something we can't touch or see have so much control over our lives.

It was time that took you too soon, too young, before I got to say all of the things I wanted to, needed to. Things you will never know. And I carry them like a weight, these words, these sentences, right in the middle of my chest, because they have nowhere else to go.

If only time had allowed me to understand the things I would want to say after you were gone. That's the thing. They told me "don't leave anything unsaid." But I didn't know what I wanted to say until it was too late, until you were gone. It was the time afterward that held all the wisdom.

We live and learn, and in between
we do the best we can.

Sometimes, we miss the truth when it's right in front of us, she thought. Sometimes the closer we are, the harder it is to see.

I had been so afraid to open my heart to her, because I had been abandoned, neglected and very hurt, but she showed me that even though love can hurt, it can also heal.

I'm not the kind of girl who spends hours getting ready. I don't blow dry my hair. And I hate make up. I'm not pretty. And I don't want to be. I am passionate and restless and wild. I'm exhausted by prudent ideologies. I'm not inferior because of my lack of convention. I'm as strong as I am broken. I'm tired of having my sexuality mistaken for an invitation. I will sweat and I will run. I will let the rain come down on me. I want to feel life as I am. I don't want to skate through having my immoderation controlled by weak judgements. By fear.

I don't want to be who I'm supposed to be, I want to be who I am.

His absence was a presence.
Who knew an empty space could take up so much room.

The Existentially Preoccupied Long Distance Runner

Sometimes I like to run so hard and for so long
with each mile I can feel the pain of my own awareness,
my own heightened consciousness of what ails me,
the ills of the world,
the limitations of our existence,
the losses we must endure,
the superficial interactions.

Sometimes I like to run so hard and for so long
that I can feel all of these feelings seep out of the pours of my own skin,
the sweat cleansing my very being,
my awareness of beauty heightened,
the experience of joy possible,
each mile, each minute, ridding me of these feelings,
washing away the illusions,
showing me the truth.

Sometimes I like to run so hard and for so long…
until finally I feel free…
until finally I AM free…

I think what we want is within us from the beginning. I think fear can distract us from knowing the truth of who we are and what we want.

It's hard to let go, especially after you've invested a few years. It's hard to let go of who we imagined someone else was too. You loved him so you overlooked all the thing that were obvious to everyone around you. We all do it.

I may never fly - in the bird sort of way. But I do have wings.

Come to me in the dark, bring me all of your scars. I want to know every crack in your heart, every ache, every memory that haunts you. I want to see the realness in your face, the way your eyes stay light even when you talk of pain, and the way your lips are uneven when you smile. The grooves carved into your soul have made you beautiful and I want to run my fingers across the etches. I know people cover wounds and disguise their damage, but this is what makes you, you, and I want to know you. I want to sink inside of you and feel your depth. Don't protect me from your story. We all have a story and I'm tired of drowning alone.

I wanted to push away the very thing I wanted. Have you ever had that feeling? Was it because you were so afraid that you wouldn't get it? Or because you were afraid you would, but deep down didn't feel you deserved it?

The rest of the short walk was silent. It was that loud sort
of silence where the absence is painful, when there's so much to
say, but nothing is said.

She wasn't broken.
She was made up of a thousand tiny little cracks.
She was always trying to keep herself glued together.
But it was hard, she felt too much.
No matter what she did, her emotions seeped through,
sometimes in drips, other times in floods,
She felt everything,
the heaviness of the clouds right before rain,
the rush of the subway cars as they left the station,
the feeling of goodbye as she watched someone walk away,
wondering if it was the last time she would see them,
the feeling of a kiss lingering on her cheek for hours.
She felt the loneliness of the sun as it hung in the sky,
shedding light on the day,
without companion.

And she longed to give as much as the sun.
If she could brighten someone's day,
bestow warmth were there was cold,
make someone smile, give someone hope,
then for a minute, an hour, maybe even a day,
the cracks would fill with love
and the pain would become only a voice,
reminding her that her pain was important.
She knew how fragile life was, how hard,
and how precious.

She wanted to feel it all.

Love should be easy. Life is hard. Relationships are complicated. But the love, that's the one thing we should be able to count on.

Happiness is a frightening state of being. If we let ourselves be happy, then there is something that can always be taken from us. In one minute, one second, everything can change.

He was always right beside me, but we were never in the same place.

I think sometimes we fall in love just because it feels so good to love someone, to desire them, to yearn for another human being, to cross the boundary of aloneness that is part of human existence.

He kept asking me what was wrong that night and I kept responding, "Nothing."

But it's all the nothings that silently strangle us and our relationships, isn't it?

Love makes people do crazy things. And not feeling loved can bring people to the edge of madness.

And you ask me why I love him instead of you...

He showed me how to feel safe without walls.

Sometimes the closer you are to the truth, the harder it is to see.

I fell in love with the expression in his eyes when he looked at me.

Don't blame yourself. You believed what he told you, because you trusted him. You're a warm, open, trusting person. And you're trustworthy. Trustworthy people like us always get screwed, because we expect other people to be like us. Don't let his bad behavior make you question yourself.

You will always be my first love. My first everything. No love will be like the one I had for you, but I think the loves that come afterward can be just as good and most of the time better, because we are better. I was jealous when you first started dating her, because I could tell she was different. I kept wondering what she had that I didn't, but it wasn't her that was different, it was you.

Nothing looked the same, and everything looked the same.

Humans often thought the glass was empty when there was still more in there. I guess if you reached deep enough, you could find something even when there seemed to be nothing left.

I always did.

I felt his pain as my own and I wanted to touch him, feel him, reach inside his fractured heart and pull out all of the love he buried inside. I wanted to kiss every inch of his skin. I wanted to feel his brokenness against mine, like if we held each other hard enough something within each of us would finally heal.

Too many times, I confused my melancholy for loneliness and sought comfort in the wrong arms. Too many times, I surrendered myself to my own illusions, trying to find something that I didn't understand. Always searching for an elusive affection, desire so pervading it was painful in its insatiability. Every time I held it close, it slipped through my fingers, my body resting in the depth of others only to find myself shivering in shallow water.

When you wrapped yourself around me, I knew it was different. A subtlety I had never known, in your embrace. Our restless, wandering souls came together, ideas and passions transforming into redamancy. I know it now – that elusive something I had always wanted – with you, every day, in every kiss, the way you touch me, in dark and light, in the illumination of all of the little things, with hundreds of no matter whats and the taste of forever.

She felt a wave of fury overtake her as she looked at him standing there naked. She loved him with everything she had, but the love ripped her heart right out.

I want to be bold and courageous; I want to take ridiculous risks; I want to live every moment with appreciation and consciousness and I want to dance all the time - even when I am not dancing

He loves her for all of the reasons you were afraid to.

Between the Mile

I have always counted the miles.
Sometimes they came quick,
Other times slow.
The distance between things,
The way I could know.
Close could feel far,
And far could feel near.
The miles that passed too quickly,
The ones I ran out of fear.
They weren't all the same,
So I had been told,
The unmarked trails,
And the days I was bold.

Some miles went down,
Spiraling so low,
When I was afraid to look forward,
There was nowhere to go.
The sunset came fast,
And the day turned to night,
But the trails could be endless,
If I looked at them right.

Everything I knew,
All I was told,
The conversations left behind,
The people who grew old.

When the miles stretched out before me,
I wanted to sew them at the seam,
Looking forward and then back,
Holding everything in between.

I used to wonder if we were destined to fail from the start, two people who lived hard and loved fast. Afraid to slow down. But now I know that my fingers weren't long enough to reach your wounds, to caress the places that ached from the sharp words and careless actions of others. People had confused your gentleness for weakness. You carried everything heavy.

Had I known, I would have danced delicate language all around you. I would've told you that your internal brightness illuminated mine. And that I only saw the beauty in myself when I looked at my reflection in your eyes. If only I had known that behind that strong gaze was everything else. Everything you didn't want me to know. Your shine came from what you felt when you looked at me. And you feared that I would be yet another to use your light and leave you alone. In even more darkness.
But I wouldn't have.
I didn't know how to tell you, but I know that pain too.

She would not have another man push her aside like some appetizer, there to wet his whistle only to be left once the main dish arrived.

No more. She pushed her thumb into his throat a little harder.

This may sound like a bunch of psychobabble, but the truth is that we are all filled with contradictions; personality is fluid not black and white. And, well…we are all both strong
and weak. That's what it means to be human. We all have flaws, weaknesses. The real strength is when we can admit these to ourselves and become able to show them to others.

Because of that, he didn't know how to love someone who actually loved him. He had learned a twisted, tormented kind of love filled with pain and exploitation.

You kept me down so you would feel up,
but love isn't a competition.
The sun and the moon exist simultaneously in their aloneness, bestowing light, guiding life and time, because they work together.
I'm not sure if I'm the sun or if I'm the moon,
but I have found a love that embraces the equality of their inseparable connection.

He'll never be able to hide his feelings for you when he sees you. That's the thing with enduring love. It can stay buried, you can deny it, but once you are near that person, those feelings pull you together like a magnetic bond.

Therapy, like life, is a process -- a journey toward greater self-awareness and healing -- where the in-the-moment experience is often as enriching as discovering one's destination.

When someone shares their distress or their inadequacies, the natural inclination is to comfort them. To mollify. When we do this we brush over their emotions, often because they make us uncomfortable. Most times, people don't want a blanket. They want someone who is willing to stand outside and shiver with them in the cold.

Looking at that pain in her eyes, he felt a closeness with her that he had never experienced before. Like they shared something powerful and unspoken, something so deep and devastating, it bonded them together. He knew then, that if she didn't forgive him, he would never survive.

He was nothing without her.

I've always been so full of melancholy. But I've realized it's because I'm alive. I'm open. I feel. I carry all things in my heart and sometimes I mistake the weight of it for heaviness when it's really fullness.

Kiss me hard, let your wetness linger along my lips. I want to drown against you, our bodies woven together and raging in ecstatic synchrony. I don't want to lie in an easy, hollow embrace. I want to feel the hunger emanating from you. I want the desire to swallow me. I want it to hurt. I want you to show me that this matters. That we matter. That you would risk it all for me. Love me with everything you have or don't love me at all.

I loved being near you. Even though I felt that bubble you had around you, even though I never quite knew what you were thinking, damn, did I love being near you. Somehow, I knew you would rip me apart and drown me. Somehow, I knew we wouldn't last. It didn't matter. You were my sun. I loved feeling you upon me, around me, between me. Even though you could only love me from a distance, I didn't care. I never felt more warmth inside of me than when you were against me.

Looking back, retrospectively on the events of that evening, I can see the irony - the shrink whose cat ate his own tail. At the time of the incident, however, humor was not in my emotional repertoire; it was the furthest thing from my mind.

Go where the silence says something good.

I wanted to keep him there to hold me up, to rely on, to remind me that there were places we found in other people that were safer than any walls could keep us.

He was footprints in the snow.

Not all loves are meant to last.
Some are meant to grace you briefly,
before fading,
somehow leaving the impression
that the world is just a little bit better
because you had been touched by
something so beautiful it was impossible
to grasp.

You know this has really affected my ability to trust myself. No matter what happened in my life, I was always able to trust myself. My instincts. Two men in a row carrying on indiscretions makes me feel like I made up some story. Almost like a fiction, I
wrote in my mind that had a beginning, middle and end. It feels like I manufactured some ideal life that was a made-up invention that I needed to believe was the truth.

Love isn't about holding on. It's about letting go.

Place your truth on my hips. Don't tell me who you are. Show me with your sincerity, let me see the helplessness in your eyes, wrap your irreverence around me. I've been afraid. My freedom has been mistaken for frivolousness, my sexuality for carelessness. Double standards imposed with hypocritical fingers and incurious hearts. I've relinquished myself to the wrong ideologies. I'm tired of having to cover my vulnerability to protect others from feeling theirs.

Expose me, penetrate me with broad philosophies, let us collide recklessly with freedom. Steal my wild heart, but do not ask me to live under an umbrella when I like being soaked by the rain.

Heartbreak is awful, but truth be told, if you have never had your heart broken, then you aren't fully living. I want you to ask yourself this question because I want you to bask in the fullness of life. And in order to feel life - to experience life - you need to take risks. When you open your heart, you risk having it broken; or stated more accurately it will be broken. But do it anyway; open yourself up. If you don't, you will never know what it means to live, to love and to be with others.

You have been with me all along, even when it hurt like hell you have been with me, because I love you. And when you love someone they are with you forever.