Religious Humor Quotes

Aisles and aisles of absolventina, theopathine, genuflix, orisol. An enormous place; organ music in the background while you shop. All the faiths are represented too - there's chistendine and antichristendine, ormuzal, arymanol, anabaptiban, methadone, brahmax, supralapsarian suppositories, and zoroaspics, quaker oats, yogart, mishnameal and apocryphal dip. Pills, tablets, syrups, elixirs, powders, gums - they even have lollipops for the children. Many of the boxes come with halos. ~ Stanislaw Lem

The best way to get rid of the Devil, if you cannot kill it with the words of Holy Scripture, is to rail at and mock him. Music, too, is very good; music is hateful to him, and drives him far away. ~ Martin Luther

Look at the Metropolitan Community Church today, the gay church, almost accepted into the World Council of Churches. Almost, the vote was against them. But they will try again and again until they get in, and the tragedy is that they would get one vote. Because they are spoken of here in Jude as being brute beasts, that is going to the baser lust of the flesh to live immorally, and so Jude describes this as apostasy. But thank God this vile and satanic system will one day be utterly annihilated and there'll be a celebration in heaven. ~ Jerry Falwell

Our plan will not favor religious institutions over nonreligious institutions. As president, I'm interested in what is constitutional and I'm interested in what works. ~ George W. Bush

There is no separation of church and state. Modern US Supreme Courts have raped the Constitution and raped the Christian faith and raped the churches by misinterpreting what the Founders had in mind in the First Amendment to the Constitution. ~ Jerry Falwell

Dan Moldea, the lead investigator for Larry Flynt's ongoing quest to uncover sexual indiscretions of Republican congressional members, has now admitted he was hired by the law firm defending President Clinton. ~ Jerry Falwell

A large number of deaf, crippled and blind people are afflicted solely through the malice of the demon. And one must in no wise doubt that plagues, fevers and every sort of evil come from him. ~ Martin Luther

The Bible is the inerrant ... word of the living God. It is absolutely infallible,without error in all matters pertaining to faith and practice, as well as in areas such as geography, science, history, etc. ~ Jerry Falwell

The more you complain the longer God lets you live ~ Bertrand Russell

How often have not the demons called 'Nix,' drawn women and girls into the water, and there had commerce with them, with fearful consequences. ~ Martin Luther

Our bodies are always exposed to Satan. The maladies I suffer are not natural, but Devil's spells. ~ Martin Luther

I maintain that some Jew wrote it who probably heard about Christian people but never encountered any. ~ Martin Luther

At Poltersberg, there is a lake similarly cursed. If you throw a stone into it, a dreadful storm immediately arises, and the whole neighboring district quakes to its centre. 'Tis the devils kept prisoner there. ~ Martin Luther

What shall we do with ... the Jews? ... their homes also should be razed and destroyed. ~ Martin Luther

There is no rustic so rude but that, if he dreams or fancies anything, it must be the whisper of the Holy Ghost, and he himself a prophet. ~ Martin Luther

Life in Lubbock, Texas taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth, and you should save it for someone you love. ~ Nikki Sex

We will allow private and religious groups to compete to provide services in every federal, state and local social program. ~ George W. Bush

We need not invite the Devil to our table; he is too ready to come without being asked. The air all about us is filled with demons ... ~ Martin Luther

We are at fault for not slaying the Jews. ~ Martin Luther

Other cars on the highway driven by believers will suddenly be out of control and stark pandemonium will occur on ... every highway in the world where Christians are caught away from the drivers wheel. ~ Jerry Falwell

Religious humor is not really my area, so I probably wouldn't do anything about that, or politics or something. ~ Chris Lilley

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself. ~ Peter O'Toole

The Jews are returning to their land of unbelief. They are spiritually blind and desperately in need of their Messiah and Savior. ~ Jerry Falwell

Swearing on the Bible, you understand that shit? They tell you to raise your right hand and put your left hand on the Bible. Does this stuff really matter, which hand? Does God really give a fuck about details like this? Suppose you put your right hand on the Bible and you raise your left hand. Would that count? Or would God say, 'Sorry, wrong hand, try again'? And why does one hand have to be raised? [...] But let's get back to the Bible, America's favorite national theatrical prop.

Suppose the Bible they hand you to swear on is upside down, or backward, or both, and you swear to tell the truth on an upside-down backward Bible. Would that count? Suppose the Bible they hand you is an old Bible and half the pages are missing. Suppose all they have is a Chinese Bible. In an American court. Or a Braille Bible, and you're not blind. Suppose they hand you an upside-down, backward, Chinese, Braille Bible with half the pages missing. At what point does all of this stuff just break down and become just a lot of stupid shit that somebody made up? They fuckin' made it up, folks, it's make-believe! It's make-believe [...] Bible or no Bible, God or no God, if it suits their purposes, people are going to lie in court. ~ George Carlin

The days of discriminating against religious institutions simply because they are religious must come to an end. ~ George W. Bush

We know, on the authority of Moses, that longer than six thousand years the world did not exist. ~ Martin Luther

To be a Christian, you must pluck out the eye of reason. ~ Martin Luther

So tenaciously should we cling to the world revealed by the Gospel, that were I to see all the Angels of Heaven coming down to me to tell me something different, not only would I not be tempted to doubt a single syllable, but I would shut my eyes and stop my ears, for they would not deserve to be either seen or heard. ~ Martin Luther

Through my Faith-Based and Community Initiative, my Administration continues to encourage the essential work of faith-based and community organizations. Governments can and should support effective social services, including those provided by religious people and organizations. When government gives that support, it is important that faith-based institutions not be forced to change their religious character. ~ George W. Bush

I almost feel like throwing Jimmy into the stove, as the priest in Kulenberg did. ~ Martin Luther

Atticus "What's this religion going to be called?"
Oberon "Poochism"
A:"and the name of this holy writ I will be typing for you?"
O:"The dead flea scrolls: A Sirius Prophecy. ~ Kevin Hearne

The Devil ... clutched hold of the miserable young man ... and flew off with him through the ceiling, since which time nothing has been heard of him. ~ Martin Luther

reverent title had previously been forced upon him by the religious scruples of the last newspaper in which a part of the work had appeared, with the natural ~ Ambrose Bierce

For one man to gain another must lose ~ Samuel McMahon

The North American Church is at a critical juncture. The gospel of grace is being confused and compromised by silence, seduction, and outright subversion. The vitality of the faith is being jeopardized. The lying slogans of the fixers who carry religion like a sword of judgment pile up with impunity. Let ragamuffins everywhere gather as a confessing Church to cry out in protest. Revoke the licenses of religious leaders who falsify the idea of God. Sentence them to three years in solitude with the Bible as their only companion. ~ Brennan Manning

The overwhelming majority of social scientists were irreligious or even anti-religious. This led them to believe that religion was a disappearing and unimportant factor in human affairs. ~ Rodney Stark

The Bat Phone to the Universe, some kind of Iva-only, open-round-the-clock special channel to the divine. ~ Elizabeth Gilbert

The fact that millions of people use the term "morality" as a synonym for religious dogmatism, racism, sexism, or other failures of insight and compassion should not oblige us to merely accept their terminology until the end of time. ~ Sam Harris

He looked at Atropos who was tall and blond and who absolutely hated him with a passion he'd never understood. In that moment, he allowed her to see every ounce of fury inside him. "You ever sever the thread for Soteria's life again and there's no power in existence that will keep me from tearing your throat out. The three of you have screwed me over for the last time. In all these centuries, I've left you alone. Now, I'm warning you to return the favor because the next time you tamper with my fate, I will end yours."

The fear on their faces told him that they understood and had taken his point to heart. Good. He was through playing games. When it came to Soteria, he had no sense of humor whatsoever. Anyone who threatened her, ended their own life.

It was that simple.

She'd taught him to finally embrace who and what he was. Woe to the rest of them. Because he was now the Harbinger not just for his mother, but for a slip of a woman who held his heart.

For her, he'd do anything.

Even end the world. ~ Sherrilyn Kenyon

Hegel says that Truth is a great word and the thing is greater still. With Dave we never seemed to get past the word. ~ Iris Murdoch

While even pornography is protected as free speech, the courts have consciously undermined religious speech and freedom of religion for years. ~ Ernest Istook

I don't know whether to be proud or appalled that danger, blood and death inspire you so. ~ Samantha Young

Heartache often drives us to consume things we wouldn't otherwise, such as an entire pint of Caramel Pecan Perfection high-fat ice cream, covered in ganache, the crack cocaine of frozed dairy. Twelve hundred calories per pint, six hundred and eighty of which are fat calories, but is only dulls the pain for the moment, there's that carb fog while you're standing at the sink shoving it in your face, and then it's over and you feel ... used. Like a cheap pickup the Dove people seduced and abandoned in your kitchen, leaving you with sticky hands and an empty cup and a still-broken heart, except now you're mad at Dove, too. ~ Jennifer Crusie

It's funny how you can think you've said something when you never really did."
I giggled, feeling that the words were coming in his very next breath. "It's also funny how you can think you've heard something when you didn't either," he said instead.
All the humor vanished from the moment. "I know what you mean." I swallowed and watched as his hand moved from my cheek to lace his fingers through mine, knowing that he and I were both watching them. "Maybe, for some people, it would be hard to confess that. Like, if they worried they might not make it to the end." He sighed. "Or it would be hard to say if you worried that someone might not want to make it to the end ... maybe never quite gave up on someone else. ~ Kiera Cass

Monday isn't that bad to be honest, What makes it bad is living in it. ~ Day

Nothing says work efficiency like panic mode. ~ Don Roff

Sorry, sorry, don't mind me, coming through, oh why hello there - " This to a particularly handsome Kai look-alike droid, which had no more reaction than any of the others. "Or not," she muttered, brushing past him. "Pardon me, a little space, please? ~ Marissa Meyer

The demons? How many are there?"
"More than even you could handle."
"So, then, there're two? ~ Darynda Jones

Keep your head high and your skirt down. ~ Marie Rudisill

Whenever you go out to eat you gotta get the appetizer. 'Cause the appetizer's just an excuse for an extra meal. You're always like "Lets see, I will start with the 80 buffalo wings ... and do you have a low-cal blue cheese? 'Cause I don't wanna fill up too much." ~ Jim Gaffigan

In life there are squares and there are circles, sometimes it's best to be an oblong ~ Benny Bellamacina

Our civil rights have no dependance on our religious opinions, any more than our opinions in physics or geometry; that therefore the proscribing any citizen as unworthy the public confidence by laying upon him an incapacity of being called to offices of trust and emolument, unless he profess or renounce this or that religious opinion, is depriving him injuriously of those privileges and advantages to which, in common with his fellow citizens, he has a natural right; that it tends also to corrupt the principles of that very religion it is meant to encourage, ~ Thomas Jefferson

There is absolute truth in anarchism and it is to be seen in its attitude to the sovereignty of the state and to every form of state absolutism. [ ... ] The religious truth of anarchism consists in this, that power over man is bound up with sin and evil, that a state of perfection is a state where there is no power of man over man, that is to say, anarchy. The Kingdom of God is freedom and the absence of such power ... the Kingdom of God is anarchy. ~ Nikolai Berdyaev

He had a matching bandage on his head. We looked like two idiots who'd decided to have a head-butting competition ~ Kim Harrington

That narrows down the search quite a bit," Daniel commented. "But what if you still don't find her?"
"Then I'm still not going to join the throng of mindless dicks out there looking for a dizney-whore to take advantage of." Will was frowning but Daniel laughed explosively through his nose.
"I can't believe you just said that! ~ Rebekah Joy Anast

Even though the sewer pipelines reach far into our houses with their tentacles, they are carefully hidden from view and we are happily ignorant of the invisible Venice of shit underlying our bathrooms, bedrooms, dance halls, and parliaments. ~ Milan Kundera

What religious Americans might have been slow to realize is that the ACLU's long march through the institutions of America has culminated at the door of Obama's White House. Behind that door stands the one we have "been waiting for," as liberals chanted about Obama in 2008. Obama is the fulfillment of the ACLU's messianic secularist hopes. No president has done more to empty the public square of Christians than Barack Obama. To the delight of secularists, Obama has been stacking the federal courts with ACLU-style judges who read the First Amendment through an ahistorical and atheistic prism, or as they like to call it, the "living Constitution," which is nothing more than a euphemism for whatever they think the Constitution should mean in our supposedly enlightened times. ~ Phyllis Schlafly

And who came up with the animals for these euphemisms, anyway? Why bat shit? Why not cow shit or grasshopper shit? And why don't we give a rat's ass as opposed to a hamster's ass? ~ Darynda Jones

I regret exceedingly that the disputes between the protestants and Roman Catholics should be carried to the serious alarming height mentioned in your letters. Religious controversies are always productive of more acrimony and irreconcilable hatreds than those which spring from any other cause; and I was not without hopes that the enlightened and liberal policy of the present age would have put an effectual stop to contentions of this kind.
[Letter to Sir Edward Newenham, 22 June 1792] ~ George Washington

Her own body was such a familiar and unremarkable thing to her that she was puzzled by the convulsive ecstasy men could take from it, by the intense and amusing need they had merely to touch it, to reach out urgently and press it, squeeze it, pinch it, rub it. She did not understand Yossarian's lust; but she was willing to take is word for it. ~ Joseph Heller

So, gently, and using the greatest of care, the elephant stretched his great trunk through the
air, and he lifted the dust speck and carried it over and placed it down, safe, on a very soft
clover ~ Dr. Seuss

Humor is really one of the hardest things to define, very hard. And it's very ambiguous. You have it, or you don't. You can't attain it. ~ Heinrich Boll