Hysterically Funny Quotes

Hysterically funny, amazingly talented people. That's what I think of when I think of Canada. That, and cold beer. And mountains. ~ Richard Patrick

Logic has never been idealism's strong suit. Every time I'd pointed out some inequity in our realtionship to Joe, something as basic as who had first dibs on the car, he said, "What are you going to do? Call NOW?" as he drove away, laughing. He thought the National Organization of Women was a joke, and feminism itself hysterically funny. It wasn't funny. It was nothing less than self-determination. It's what, in the end, we were all after. Me, Margo, Howie, Joe. We wanted equality. We wanted justice. We wanted not to be controlled by the world as it was. ~ JoeAnn Hart

Booking an act for my Dad's 70th birthday, I wanted a great act and went straight to John Archer- his reputation in the magic world is among the very best. I was so pleased he was able to do it, and he absolutely brought the house down. It was brilliant, hysterically funny, and perfectly pitched for the occasion. He made the evening. I'd recommend him unreservedly. ~ Derren Brown

You both talk too much," the kid says. "Shut up. Don't make me tell you again."
We shut up, which I find hysterically funny. ~ Karen Marie Moning

At this point, I've really failed at a lot of things. It's nice to be able to say that, in a way. I've failed at music. I've failed at dance. And acting - there have been times when I went out and read lines to audition for acting parts. I believe that if anybody wrangled together those audition tapes, it would be pretty hysterically funny. ~ Steve-O

Are you a witch?" I ask, reaching in and taking a bite of one. It's like Monster Cake, the Sequel - freaking Christmas in my mouth. I already want more before I've even managed to chew. ~ Emma Lord

Most of the stories I have go downhill quickly. In all honesty most of the good stories I have, no one else would think is funny. ~ JD Era

Why don't you wear those tiny shorts when you run, like they do in the movies?" His voice was low and sexy, and he knew it.
"Because I'm not in a movie. I know it's confusing, since you obviously live 'The Saxon Show' day and night, but some of us want to live a boring, old, normal high school life, you know? ~ Liz Reinhardt

Excuse me, your attention please."
He waited until the whole floor had stopped what it was doing and turned to face him. For a split second his impulse control kicked in, but by then his mouth was fully engaged.
"For the record, Claire Marsden and I are not having sex. ~ Sarah Mayberry

She turns to us, acts surprised to see us, then does the bit with the back of the hand to the forehead. "You're lost!" "You're angry!" "You're in the wrong school!" "You're in the wrong country!" "You're on the wrong planet! ~ Laurie Halse Anderson

One day, when I came home from work, I accidentally put my car key in the door of my apartment building. I turned it, and the whole building started up. So I drove it around. A policeman stopped me for going too fast. He said, "Where do you live?" I said, "Right here!" Then I drove my building onto the middle of a highway, and I ran outside, and told all of the cars to get the hell out of my driveway. ~ Steven Wright

That's the funny thing about running. The deceptive thing about it. It may seem mindless, but its really mental. If the minds strong, the body acts weak, even if its not. ~ Wendelin Van Draanen

I think it's always funny when you see kids do Shakespeare. ~ Steve Coogan

If I'm in an uncomfortable situation, I think I can say something funny to defuse it. Sometimes you can't. ~ Jack Whitehall

Truly competent Literary Detectives are as rare as truthful men, Mr. Tweed
you can see her potential as clearly as I can. Frightened of someone stealing your thunder, perhaps? ~ Jasper Fforde

You said not to do anything that might accidentally contribute to the apocalypse," Magnus said. "I know you were joking. But it's less funny when I can't rid myself of the feeling that the apocalypse is coming, somehow. Valentine Morgenstern nearly wiped out the Shadowhunters, and his son is twice as clever and six times as evil. And he will not come alone. He has help, from demons greater than my father, from others - ~ Cassandra Clare

The apprentice's name was Wolf, because sometimes the universe is an unsubtle place. ~ Anne Ursu

If I think of a joke that's really dirty and I think it's funny I'll try it but what I've found over the years is they just don't laugh. It doesn't work coming out of my mouth so it's like they taught me 'don't do that. Don't go that way or you'll lose me.' ~ Demetri Martin

The men liked to put me down as the best woman painter. I think I'm one of the best painters. ~ Georgia O'Keeffe

I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle baby. ~ Henny Youngman

It was 10:30 in the morning and I was already running behind. This is hardly unusual, but it pisses me off every single time. ~ Julie Powell

For what it's worth, I'll share my intentions. You and me, we aren't practice for the real thing. It isn't that too much is at stake with family and friends, it's because I love you. You're funny, beautiful and you care about people. I like the way you look at me, especially when you think I don't notice it. I like that we have history and our kids will have a big family and share that history because there was never a time when their Mom and Dad weren't together. If you were a terrible lay, I might have second thoughts but you and I are dynamite together. I intend to marry you and spend the rest of my life with you. If that freaks you out, tough, because now we've started this, there's no goin' back. ~ Kristen Ashley

I will say that what's been funny is, since the lightsaber's come out, I cannot tell you how many contradictory emails I have received from people who have both defended it with unbelievably detailed graphicsI've gotten things that are nuts, and I've gotten people who've shown how it'll kill you and how it doesn't make any sense. It's been the funniest thing to see the arguments that have developed over this thing. ~ J.J. Abrams

I really hate it when people want to kill me. It makes me think they don't want to be friends. - Raven from Blood of Prey ~ R.J. Dennis

Funny how a little politeness can change people's minds. ~ Sherman Alexie

You know what you are, Sam Brody?" she whispered, wrapping her arms around his neck. "A big, fat tease." They both knew there wasn't an ounce of fat on him. They also both knew exactly what she meant. ~ Jill Shalvis

Sir Kile, you're lived in the palace your whole life," Gavril said, walking across the stage. "How do you think your life might change were you to become prince?"
"Id definitely need to focus more on my hygiene."
"Pfffft!" I covered my mouth, so embarrassed, but I couldn't stop laughing.
"Oh! Sounds like someone over there agrees."

-the Heir ~ Keira Cass

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either. ~ Jack Benny

When they're together, the world could fall apart around them and they'd never notice or care as long as they have each other.
About Alex and Brittany. ~ Simone Elkeles

I don't think a comedian should even be concerned with being cool or sexy, as soon as you do, you aren't a comedian any more. Looks are still the most important thing for women when it comes to meeting a partner. And that's fair enough, but a sense of humour is really important too. For starters, it's a great indicator of whether you are going to get on. If the first time you go on a date you don't find each other funny, there's a fundamental problem. ~ Ricky Gervais

I didn't know he was dead; I thought he was British. ~ Woody Allen

If you were happy every day of your life you wouldn't be a human being, you'd be a game show host. ~ Gabriel Heatter

I'm healthy as an ox. And you?" "To compare myself with a bovine would be both ridiculous and insulting, but I'm fit as ever, if that is what you are asking. ~ Christopher Paolini

It's funny; as I get older I'm reverting to my roots - I want to plant stuff. ~ Melissa McCarthy

Everybody's trying to leave their mark on the world. That's why there's graffiti and babies. ~ Kristen Schaal

I also don't trust Caribou anymore. They're out there, on the tundra, waiting ... Something's going down. I'm right about this. ~ Joss Whedon

Like Cammie is fine," Macey said, then glanced at me. "No offense."
"None taken," I said. "I think. ~ Ally Carter

Well, I hope that I don't fall in love with you
Cause falling in love just makes me blue
Well, the music plays and you display your heart for me to see
I had a beer and now I hear you calling out for me
And I hope that I don't fall in love with you

Well, the room is crowded, people everywhere
And I wonder, should I offer you a chair?
Well, if you sit down with this old clown, I'll take that frown and break it
Before the evening's gone away, I think that we can make it
And I hope that I don't fall in love with you

Well, the night does funny things inside a man
These old tomcat feelings you don't understand
Well, I turn around to look at you, you light a cigarette
I wish I had the guts to bum one, but we've never met
And I hope that I don't fall in love with you

I can see that you are lonesome just like me
And it being late, you'd like some company
Well, I turn around to look at you, and you look back at me
The guy you're with he's up and split, the chair next to you is free
And I hope that you don't fall in love with me

Now it's closing time, the music's fading out
Last call for drinks, I'll have another stout
Well, I turn around to look at you, you're nowhere to be found
I search the place for your lost face, guess I'll have another round
And I think that I just fell in love with you ~ Tom Waits

Every man's dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands ~ Jerry Lewis

That's the problem with best friends. Sometimes they know you better than you know yourself. ~ Cecily Von Ziegesar

If someone is robbing us, come back after buisness hours! Calla's voice came from upstairs. ~ Maggie Stiefvater

Don't bite the hand that feeds you; especially if you're dining alone. ~ Kevin Ansbro

The very second the door closed behind them, Nicholas started shouting. I guess I shouldn't have been surprised.
'I can't believe you did that!' he railed. 'After the field party, the vamps in the garden. Didn't you hear a single word I said?'
'No why don't you yell a little louder?'
'This isn't funny, Lucy. ~ Alyxandra Harvey

There have been man-on-the-street interviews for years, but insulting people is not that funny to me. ~ Billy Eichner

Detroit's so bad this year they might lose their bye week. ~ Dennis Miller

According to Mark 11:12-13, God's messengers were not the only ones who were incompetent: 'He [Jesus] was hungry. And on seeing in the distance a fig tree in leaf, he went to see if he could find anything on it. When he came to it, he found nothing but leaves, for it was not the season for figs.'
Imagine Jesus, the divine, holy, wisest of the wise not knowing that figs were out of season. Now allegedly Jesus could have performed a miracle and made figs magically appear, but he preferred sour grapes instead: Then he said to the tree, 'May no one ever eat fruit from you again.' (Mark 11:14) ~ G.M. Jackson

To label me an intellectual is a misunderstanding of what that is. ~ Dick Cavett

Nance is funny that way. She likes women her own size--like your sister. She knows where she is with a woman like Martha. Whereas Molly--she's so--well, so full of life, she makes Nance feel even sicker. ~ Tracy Chevalier

There's pretty much no way for me to answer that without sounding like an asshole, so maybe you could do me a solid and not make me. ~ Alex Potvin

Where I come from, they won't let me play with this rope. They think I might hurt myself. ~ Will Rogers

The British were unhinged by the colonists' unorthodox fighting style and shocking failure to abide by gentlemanly rules of engagement. One scandalized British soldier complained that the American riflemen 'conceal themselves behind trees etc. till an opportunity presents itself of taking a shot at our advance sentries, which done, they immediately retreat. What an unfair method of carrying on a war! ~ Ron Chernow