Jack Benny Quotes

I was born in Waukegan a long, long time ago. As a matter of fact, our rabbi was an Indian.

I must be cheaper now than I was ten years ago in order to get a laugh. It's not funny now if I leave the table and give the waiter a nickel tip, which was a laugh years ago. Today I must maneuver it so that somehow I get the waiter to give me a nickel tip.

When you talk about the world's greatest entertainer you have to say Al Jolson because there was no one like him. Only Judy Garland and perhaps Frank Sinatra got anywhere near him!

When I give concerts, the tickets sell for five dollars to one hundred dollars, but for my concerts the five-dollar seats are down in front ... the further back you go, the more you have to pay. The hundred dollar seats are the last two rows, and those tickets go like hotcakes! In fact, if you pay two hundred dollars you don't have to come at all.

I believe in being honest with myself. If there's one thing I hate it's when a comedian is great and won't admit it. I've never met one like that, but if I did, I'd hate them.

My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.

Any man who would walk five miles through the snow, barefoot, just to return a library book so he could save three cents - that's my kind of guy.

There's only five real people in Hollywood. Everyone else is Mel Blanc.

I feel responsible for Johnny Ray's success. See many years ago I asked him to be on my show and he asked for a lot of money and I cried. And he stole that from me.

I'm an old newspaper-man myself, but I quit because I found there was no money in old newspapers.

The only way I'll ever get hurt in the casino is if there's an earthquake and a slot machine falls on my foot.

I went to a meeting for premature ejactulators. I left early.

Bill Paley is not only the greatest boss I ever had, but he's the most brilliant, honest and warm human being I've ever met. And I'll say that to his face - even if it costs me my job.

Try saving when your salary is low. So after making more money, you will not be able to do this anywhere

I took my girl to dinner, and she laughed so hard at one of my jokes that she dropped her tray.

I was going to buy my girl a Packard car for Christmas, but it took too long to deliver, so I bought her some handkerchiefs.

It's not so much knowing when to speak, when to pause.

No matter how often I tell people I'm thirty-nine some of them refuse to believe I'm that old.

A rich man is one who isn't afraid to ask the salesperson to show him something cheaper.

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.

Try to save something while your salary is small; it's impossible to save after you begin to earn more.

Hors D'oeuvre: A ham sandwich cut into forty pieces.

I'm living in a very modest place. I have a room over-looking beautiful Claridge's Hotel. I thought it was better than paying Claridge's prices and overlooking the dump I'm living in.

I don't want to tell you how much insurance I carry with the Prudential, but all I can say is: when I go, they go too.

I'm like Will Rogers, I never met a man I didn't like ... well, Eichmann maybe.