Funny Joke Quotes

More you know, better advice you give. Less you know, more advice you give. ~ Gerry Geek

Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be. ~ Emo Philips

It is easy to launch a project if you have no clue about the cost and schedule. ~ Gerry Geek

I glared at him. "I wish you'd stay out of my room."
"That's a funny joke, princess, when you're talking to a thief. ~ Heidi Heilig

I have a lot of funny friends, and we joke a lot, but I've never really played comedic parts. ~ Joel Kinnaman

Even if it's a really funny joke, don't laugh if the devil's the one telling it! ~ Sean Patrick Brennan

Knock knock! Who's ~ LOL Funny Joke Club

Each one you take is a commitment. If you break that commitment, the gods of alcohol will punish you with a hangover so bad you'll think Satan himself took a dump on you. -Milo ~ Cora Carmack

(Hunter) "conner was at his desk, tapping away at another computer. It was amazing how much he and Quinn looked alike. Quinn nudged me as if he knew what I was thinking.
"I'm cuter,"he informed me loftily. ~ Alyxandra Harvey

I often fake my death and then just show up at people's houses. They say 'that's a good one Thom' but I know maybe they don't really think it's a funny joke. ~ Thom Yorke

I was not born with English in my pocket. ~ Santosh Kalwar

All my cuts are always about three hours, at the start, mainly because any scene in the movie that's 90 seconds, I probably shot a five-minute version of. If you just extrapolate that through the whole movie, I have a very long version of every scene, usually because, if there's one funny joke, I'll shoot five because I don't know if the one I like is going to work. I'll get back-ups because my biggest fear is to be in previews, testing the movie, and a joke doesn't work, but I have no way to fix it because I have no other line. ~ Judd Apatow

Hey. You know what the shark said to the clown?"
"No."
"You taste funny. ~ Ted Bell

A joke is either funny or it's not funny. If I hear a funny joke, you know what I do? I laugh, that's what I do. I don't start a focus group to see who got hurt by the joke. ~ Alonzo Bodden

The signs of excessive indulgence in this destructive pastime are easily detectable. They are these: A disposition to eat, to drink, to smoke, to meet together convivially, to laugh, to joke, and tell indelicate stories - and mainly, a yearning to paint pictures. ~ Mark Twain

The only time I've ever been mistaken for someone else is - and this arguable still - when a person came up to me on the boardwalk of Ocean City, New Jersey and said, "You look a lot like that guy from computer ads" and I said, "There is a reason because I am that guy," and the guy looked at me for a minute, laughed and said, "That's a funny joke, but you really do look like him." He thought I was not me. ~ John Hodgman

Dominic Sherwood would always tell me a joke right before it was my take or my close up. He'd say a funny joke, and I couldn't stop laughing, even after they said, 'Action.' ~ Emeraude Toubia

Me mum always told me the rich was blessed, but I thought she was talkin' about gold." She leaned over to cackle in his ear, then actually patted him on the head as if he was some slavering lapdog. "You might have escaped the gallows, lad, but you was already well hung. ~ Teresa Medeiros

I used to have this joke: 'Every hallway is a runway.' ~ Tyra Banks

It's just funny to see him so territorial over a woman. He's practically growling at any man who talks to you, even the married ones. He's never even brought a woman around so I hope you don't mind me saying that it's a little entertaining." Before ~ Katie Reus

When you truly have fun on the set it translates into a funny show on tv. ~ Olivia Stuck

Some women nodded, others shook their heads. I would have killed myself before I let one of them move into my house.

Would you Helen? Would you really? ~ Kristin Hannah

All good writing is like swimming underwater and holding your breath. ~ F Scott Fitzgerald

I always thought it would be funny to have the Parents Television Council write an episode of 'Family Guy' and give them full creative control. Then see how good the episode is. That's something we've actually discussed in the writers' room. We haven't proposed it yet, but if somebody from the PTC reads this, it might be worth discussing. ~ Seth MacFarlane

Some things in life are certain; death, taxes, and that your family will piss you off. ~ Melanie Finn

My job is to bring the tickle. I know what's funny. ~ Leslie Jones

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

Money is like manure; it's not worth a thing unless it's spread around encouraging young things to grow. ~ Thornton Wilder

He started down the staircase, but stopped a few steps down. He turned to me and said, "I must tell you again, I don't want you to come down here. I don't want to see you get hurt."
"A trapdoor has been discovered. It begs to be explored. Not going down those stairs will be the biggest regret of my life. ~ August Westman

It's a funny thing when you think you're dead. You're not terrified of it anymore. There's a sort of a epiphany to religious thing; it's not sort of church-based, but you end up with a serenity which you didn't have before, and I just simply enjoy it. It really does sound stupid, but I've got to tell you it's made my life. ~ David Lange

If you give the audience what they expect, they'll be bored. There are no rules: You do what you want while respecting the boundaries. You don't poke people in the eye; you do things they haven't seen before and make it accessible, funny and clever. ~ Matthew Vaughn

Did the Ancient Greeks ever write anything funny - like slapstick? I mean, I think I speak for everyone when I say that there's nothing wrong with a little bit of well-written physical comedy. ~ Elle Lothlorien

Sylvia grabs my sleeve. "He's a looker."
"I know. The problem is, he knows it, too. ~ Simone Elkeles

There's this funny thing I've noticed about people. You never really get the story you expect. Ask them about what they have, and they'll tell you about what they want. Ask them to tell you about love, and they'll tell you about heartbreak. Ask them about death, though, and they'll tell you about life. ~ Pascalle Lepas

It had never occurred to us that the Kremlin's new anti-booze campaign would apply to journalists. Now, that's a human-rights violation. ~ P. J. O'Rourke

Females will argue with you for 30 minutes then be like , I aint even gonna argue with you! ~ Kevin Hart

It's funny; we never had anything like credibility. Even though we all have some sort of punk-rock background, but so what? I really don't care about that. What's credibility anyway? Who has credibility? ~ Mark McGrath

Marriage: A word which should be pronounced 'mirage'. ~ Herbert Spencer

I was born in very sorry circumstances. Both of my parents were very sorry. ~ Norman Wisdom

I put my hand on the altar rail. 'What if ... what if Heaven is real, but only in moments? Like a glass of water on a hot day when you're dying of thirst, or when someone's nice to you for no reason, or ... ' Mam's pancakes with Toblerone sauce; Dad dashing up from the bar just to tell me, 'Sleep tight, don't let the bedbugs bite'; or Jacko and Sharon singing 'For She's A Squishy Marshmallow' instead of 'For She's A Jolly Good Fellow' every single birthday and wetting themselves even though it's not at all funny; and Brendan giving his old record player to me instead of one of his mates. 'S'pose Heaven's not like a painting that's just hanging there for ever, but more like ... Like the best song anyone ever wrote, but a song you only catch in snatches, while you're alive, from passing cars, or ... upstairs windows when you're lost ... ~ David Mitchell

Anyone who could build a universe in six days isn't going to let a little thing like that happen. Unless they want it to, of course." "Oh, come on. Be sensible," said Aziraphale, doubtfully. "That's not good advice," said Crowley. "That's not good advice at all. If you sit down and think about it sensibly, you come up with some very funny ideas. Like: why make people inquisitive, and then put some forbidden fruit where they can see it with a big neon finger flashing on and off saying 'THIS IS IT!'? ~ Terry Pratchett

I owe my whole acting career to the fact that I'm a singer. I went out to Los Angeles and auditioned for a TV show called 'Fame L.A.' The original role was for a comedian, but they said I wasn't very funny, so they asked me, 'What else can you do?' So I played a singer. ~ Christian Kane

I only have three scenes and each is a turn and she gets progressively drunker. It's all terribly funny and its main challenge is that it's so far away from what I usually do. ~ Louise Jameson

Hugh Laurie was intimidating, but he's the greatest guy. He's so wonderful and smart and funny and serious, and he sets the bar high. So if I was scared, it's because I wasn't measuring up. ~ Peter Jacobson

Breckin shrugs. "I'm new here. And if you haven't deducted from my impeccable fashion sense, I think it's safe to say that I'm ... " he leans forward and cups his hand to his mouth in secrecy. "Mormon," he whispers. ~ Colleen Hoover

The Death Eaters can't all be pure-blood, there aren't enough pure-blood wizards left," said Hermione stubbornly. "I expect most of them are half-bloods pretending to be pure. It's only Muggle-borns they hate, they'd be quite happy to let you and Ron join up"
"There is no way they'd let me be a Death Eater!" said Ron indignantly ... "My whole family are blood traitors! That's as bad as Muggle-borns to Death Eaters!"
"And they'd love to have me," said Harry sarcastically. "We'd be best pals if they didn't keep trying to do me in. ~ J.K. Rowling

A difficult situation, not for one individual, but for everybody ~ Mohammed Saeed Al-Sahaf

There are also a number of humans living up there (Canada), and in many ways they have a lifestyle quite similar to ours, including such traditional American activities as driving Japanese cars. ~ Dave Barry

Impersonating a quiet, gentle librarian like Barbara Gordon
You deserve to be taken out of circulation! ~ Karl Kesel

You know, Goddie's been trying for years to turn me to the gay side," he says in a small, quiet mumble. "I was pretty sure that was never on the cards, until I met you. ~ K.C. Finn

Kestus idly added theoretical torture to the theoretical murder, because done right, it might be funny. ~ Jim Butcher

In a funny way, nothing makes you feel more like a native of your own country than to live where nearly everyone is not. ~ Bill Bryson

You can't teach somebody how to be funny. You're either funny, or you ain't. ~ Denis Leary

In order to be able to write a good joke, you have to find the truth. ~ Roseanne Barr

Once I was doing a sponsored walk. In the end I managed to raise so much money, I could afford a taxi. ~ Jimmy Carr