Funny Remarks Quotes

How dare you. Do you have any idea who I am?" Laurence whined.
"I'm no cactus expert, but I know a prick when I see one. ~ Mark A. Cooper

The hair of his face, on the contrary, carroty and flaming, resembled a growth of copper wire clipped short to the line of the lip; while, no matter how close he shaved, fiery metallic gleams passed, when he moved his head, over the surface of his cheeks. ~ Joseph Conrad

Telling an introvert to go to a party is like telling a saint to go to Hell. ~ Criss Jami

More than his exterior hit me. I felt warm and safe just being with him. He brought comfort after my terrible day. So often with other people I felt a need to be center of attention, to be funny and always have something clever to say. It was a habit I needed to shake. But with him I never felt like I had to be anything more than what I already was. I didn't have to entertain him or think up jokes or even flirt. It was enough to just be together, to be so completely comfortable in each other's presence - we lost all sense of self-consciousness. ~ Richelle Mead

What had been so funny? But you can never remember what you were laughing about, and even if you could, it seems doubtful that it would still be funny. ~ Rufi Thorpe

On his teenage son: To be honest, I'm not sure the same kid comes home each night. ~ John Bishop

We English are good at forgiving our enemies; it releases us from the obligation of liking our friends. ~ P.D. James

What do you do when you're in a room of vampires and the most dangerous one tells you that you
know too much? You bolt. What did I do? I hyperventilated. ~ Tijan

I don't see the point of watching men exercise. ~ Natasha Leggero

Oh come on,'Pheobe continued. 'You're asking for it. Pale skin, black clothes, no lunch and that whole brooding thing? It's hilarious. You should get body glitter and go after an unsuspecting freshman.'
'You should!' Cassidy agreed. 'Tell her you're a dangerous monster. And mention how good her blood smells.'
'Wrong time of the month on that one, and I'm getting slapped,' I muttered, and everyone laughed. ~ Robyn Schneider

Scoot over, man. I don't like you that much."
"Dick. That's not what you said last night."
"Bite me. ~ Rachel Caine

Did you just call me a numpty?"
"Yup. A delusional one."
"What, may I ask, is a numpty?"
"A person demonstrating a lack of knowledge of a situation; a silly person; an idiot; a dumbass. A delusional numpty: Joss Butler's stupid, idiotic, blind misconception of the true nature of her relationship with my brother, Braden Carmichael." She glowered at me, but it was an Ellie glower so it didn't really count.
I nodded my head. "Numpty. Good word."
She threw a cushion at me. ~ Samantha Young

If you have ever seen a dragon in a pinch, you will realize that this was only poetical exaggeration applied to any hobbit, even to Old Took's great-granduncle Bullroarer, who was so huge (for a hobbit) that he could ride a horse. He charged the ranks of the goblins of Mount Gram in the Battle of the Green Fields, and knocked their king Golfibul's head clean off with a wooden club. It sailed a hundred yards through the air and went down a rabbit-hole, and in this way the battle was won and the game of Golf was invented at the same moment. ~ J.R.R. Tolkien

When will you stop laughing at misery? I'm so sick and tired of your pseudo-strength. All I want you to do is laugh at what is funny and cry at what isn't, but you won't do that, will you? ~ David Shields

I have also heard and read various accounts of why they [Sheldon Leonard and Carl Reiner] liked me. My favorites? I wasn't too good-looking, I walked a little funny, and I was basically kind of average and ordinary. I guess my lack of perfection turned out to be a winning hand. Let that be a lesson for future generations. ~ Dick Van Dyke

Choices are funny things-ask a native tribe that's eaten grubs and roots forever if they're unhappy, and they'll shrug. But give them filet mignon and truffle sauce and then ask them to go back to living off the land, and they will always be thinking of that gourmet meal. If you don't know there's an alternative, you can't miss it. ~ Jodi Picoult

Now, my intention was to drink just enough to dull the senses, but intentions should never be mixed with alcohol. ~ Kirt J. Boyd

I'd like to point out that we've had zero problem reaching each other's mouths. ~ Stephanie Perkins

I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I'd rather dance with the cows until you come home. ~ Groucho Marx

About a month ago I got a cactus. A week later, it died. I was really depressed because I was like, 'Damn! I am less nurturing than a desert. ~ Demetri Martin

Assad: 'I have written it just down here.'

He Pointed to a number of Arabic symbols that could just as well have meant it was going to snow in the Lofoten Islands in the morning. ~ Jussi Adler-Olsen

A female feline named Katta
Is getting fatta and fatta
But she's pretty and purry
And funny and furry
So what does an ounce or two matta? ~ Lilian Jackson Braun

Loretta started belting out a song: "Row, row, row your boat, sitting in a tree! K-I-S-S-I-N-G ! ~ Joel N. Ross

Loneliness is a funny disease. You don't realize how badly you're infected until someone gives you a shot of contentment - and then it wears off ~ Brigid Kemmerer

Are you decent?" a woman's voice called, pushing the door cautiously ajar.
"Nay, but we're clothed," Cian purred. ~ Karen Marie Moning

Awwww, lame, we're not going to disneyworld. (said by the amazing talking dog, Total) ~ James Patterson

If you do bad stuff and don't repent, you go to hell," Orc said, like he was begging for a refutation.
"Yeah, well, you know what? If Howard's in hell, I guess we can all have a big get-together soon enough. a ~ Michael Grant

"Maurency seems to be undergoing a remarkable and somewhat undesirable transformation."

"What?"

"He's changed hair color, put on some muscle and now seems to be cracking skulls rather than saying his prayers."

Mason rose and rounded the table.

"In short, it looks like Linnet's ideal hero might be turning into you."

[...]

"He looks improved, but I still don't like him."

"He's you, you fool," responded Oswald scathingly. ~ Alice Coldbreath

Philosophers, for example, often fail to recognize that their remarks about the universe apply also to themselves and their remarks. If the universe is meaningless, so is the statement that it is so. ~ Alan W. Watts

We long for an affection altogether ignorant of our faults. Heaven has accorded this to us in the uncritical canine attachment. ~ George Eliot

You know, if I started worrying about what the critics think, I'd never make another comedy. You couldn't pick a less funny group than critics - you couldn't find a more bitter group of people! ~ Todd Phillips

I was shy, said six-foot-one of bashful male. He grunted as a sharp, feminine elbow thudded inconspicuously into his side. ~ Anne Gracie

Sorry for the delay," Vogel said. "I was required to make a bomb. ~ Andy Weir

The apex of mathematical achievement occurs when two or more fields which were thought to be entirely unrelated turn out to be closely intertwined. Mathematicians have never decided whether they should feel excited or upset by such events. ~ Gian-Carlo Rota

You know what your trouble is? You're the kind who
always reads the handbook. Anything people build,
any kind of technology, it's going to have some specific
purpose. It's for doing something that somebody already
understands. But if it's new technology, it'll open
areas nobody's ever thought of before. You read the manual,
man, and you won't play around with it, not the same way.
And you get all funny when somebody else uses it to do
something you never thought of. ~ William Gibson

The way to Heaven is ascending; we must be content to travel uphill, though it be hard and tiresome, and contrary to the natural bias of our flesh. ~ Jonathan Edwards

You're gorgeous. You're sexy. You're … asking me to cut that dress off you? I'm praying for strength. ~ Cristin Harber

Oliver has stated many times his dislike of hearing advice from his younger sister, so it is his own fault if he has not got sense enough to see which way the wind is blowing. ~ Patricia C. Wrede

Would you die if I wished hard enough? ~ Viral

One evening I sat Beauty on my knees – And I found her bitter – And I reviled her. ~ Arthur Rimbaud

The sad thing about our society is that women are put in one of two categories. You're either in the beautiful category and you're seen as sexy and beautiful, or some version of that, or you're put into another category.The latter category affords women the opportunity to be smart, funny, independent, mean, strong, intelligent and opinionated. We take them seriously as politicians, if they fit into that latter category. We respect their opinions more and give them higher expectations. That latter category is what allows female actors to be characters. ~ Amber Heard

It's funny; I'm in some ways hopelessly masculine, but I don't fish, I don't hunt, I'm not that into sports. I can't fix a car. I think it's my point of view and the way I see the world. ~ Corey Stoll