Witty Comebacks Quotes

...to go to a dance with a guy who has all the personality of a serial killer mixed with a sponge. ~ J.A. Beard

How dare you. Do you have any idea who I am?" Laurence whined.
"I'm no cactus expert, but I know a prick when I see one. ~ Mark A. Cooper

Ranta: Let's just pray that she actually is a tsundere... Though, if she were a tsundere, obviously, the one she'd go dere for is me, you know? That's kind of... not so bad, I guess?

Moguzo: O-Obviously, she wouldn't go dere for Ranta, I think...

Ranta: Oh, shut up, Moguzo! ~ Ao Jyumonji

Every man's dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands ~ Jerry Lewis

Poesy is a beauteous damsel, chaste, honourable, discreet, witty, retired, and who keeps herself within the limits of propriety. She is a friend of solitude; fountains entertain her, meadows console her, woods free her from ennui, flowers delight her; in short, she gives pleasure and instruction to all with whom she communicates. ~ Miguel De Cervantes

I love gentiles. In fact, on of my favorite activities is Protestant spotting. ~ Mel Brooks

Your
ah
intervention, shall we say, has simplified things in the palace enormously. We no longer have to worry about Salmissra's whims and peculiar appetites. We rule by committee, and we hardly ever find it necessary to poison each other anymore. No one's tried to poison me for months. ~ David Eddings

Every cloud has its silver lining but it is sometimes a little difficult to get it to the mint'
-archy the cockroach ~ Don Marquis

The people that can't sing anymore that had great voices are the people that went away for five years and then just decided to come back. And you just can't make a comeback. Comebacks are no good. You have to just keep singing. Or keep dancing. ~ Stevie Nicks

was also witty and likable, intelligent ~ Kathleen Baldwin

It used to be that people could be painfully boring in private. Facebook changed all that. ~ Andy Borowitz

But Marisa already knew the answer and it was too late for recrimination. The chance of even a rational discussion of the problem was forever shut out of Mama's brain. A brutal bastard was steadily sucking the intelligence and the very life from the mother who had once been witty, wise and loving. The scourge had a name Marisa had come to equate with hell: Alzheimer's Disease. ~ Anna Jeffrey

Don't argue about the difficulties. The difficulties will argue for themselves. ~ Winston Churchill

Zimbabweans are so smart and witty and able to weave together tons of situations and experiences into terminologies that are just utterly original. ~ Danai Gurira

Brody's not gay. But then he kisses a boy. So he might be gay? No, Brody's not gay. But he loves this boy. So after much delaying, debating, and waiting, the answer comes clear ... nothing is ever perfectly straight. It's slash. ~ Dart Gray

Brigands demand your money or your life; women require both. ~ Samuel Butler

I was on the first one when I felt his fingers encircle my wrist. "Sophie, come on. I don't want to fight with you."
Turning, I opened my mouth to say I didn't want to fight with him either. But before I could, I saw the telltale flash out of the corner of my eye, and the next thing I knew, my arm was jerking out of his grasp. "If you don't want to fight with her, maybe you shouldn't suggest she team up with people who want to kill her," my voice snarled.
Archer backed up so fast he nearly stumbled, and I wasn't sure I'd ever seen him look so freaked out. But he recovered quickly. "Elodie, if I wanted to talk to you, I'd do a séance or something. Maybe go on an episode of Ghost Hunters. But right now, I want to talk to Sophie. So clear out."
Elodie had no intention of doing that. "You always were a crappy boyfriend," she said. "Once you left, I chalked that up to you, you know, not actually liking me. But unless I'm blind as well as dead, you really like Sophie. In fact, hard as it is for me to fathom, I think you love her."
Shut up, shut up, shut up!
Screw that, she retorted. You two spend all your time making stupid jokes and being all witty. Someone has to get real.
"What's your point?" Archer asked, narrowing his eyes at me. Her. Whatever. God, this was getting confusing.
"Cal loves her, too, you know. And the last time I checked, he wasn't part of a cult of monster killers. I'm just saying that if you're going have loyalties that divid ~ Rachel Hawkins

A team that is always fun with witty sense of humor. We help each other around a lot and help push each other to be better ~ Min

Spanish - how shall I say this? - is like
Portuguese spoken with a speech impediment. ~ Sol Luckman

You break up, and you say something pathetic, or you don't even speak at all when someone's telling you they don't love you anymore. But then you think about it five minutes later, and you have all these great comebacks! ~ Gin Wigmore

No matter how dire a situation may be, I can always find the humor in it somewhere. If I was ever in a horror movie I would be the goofy one who doesn't seem to know quite what's going on but survives to the end with witty one-liners. ~ A.J. Rose

Is that the biggest favor your vocal cords have done to anyone this week? ~ Pawan Mishra

To answer your question, yes, you may kiss my ass. Normally I prefer to maintain my personal space, but you're a Friend of the Pack and your services have proven useful once or twice. I strive to accommodate the wishes of persons friendly to my people. My only question is, would your kissing my ass be obeisance, grooming, or foreplay?"

"You didn't answer my question," Curran said. "What will it be?"
"No," I said.
Curran grinned and my heart made a little jump. I didn't expect that.
"That's it? That's your witty comeback? ~ Ilona Andrews

[Agatha Christie] is fond of quoting the witty wife who once said, 'an archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.
Christie's husband, Max Mallowan, was an archaeologist. ~ Nigel Dennis

I love the working class, and everyone from it that I've met, and think they're incredible witty, inventive - there's a lot of poetry there. A lot of rough stuff as well. What there is, too, is an awful lot of expressiveness and intelligence and originality down there. And a lot of thwarted intelligence. ~ Martin Amis

Endure for another day, Mister Tannen, and you'll have all the foul black misuse of water you can drink. ~ Scott Lynch

Courtship is to marriage, as a very witty prologue to a very dull play.
(quoted in Life After Life) ~ William Congreve

I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television. ~ Gore Vidal

Ugliness is better than beauty. It lasts longer and in the end, gravity will get us all. ~ Johnny Depp

You can look at a person's attitude and know what kind of thinking is prevalent in his life ... It's better to be positive and wrong than negative and right! ~ Joyce Meyer

A vivid portrait of a teenage girl and her family in disarray. Meredith is a wonderful narrator, witty, feisty, full of yearning, and the story she tells is as complicated as life itself. This is a richly satisfying novel. ~ Margot Livesey

They've finally comes up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer. ~ Milton Berle

Witty, brooding, contemplative, explosive: take your pick. ~ Margo Jefferson

Chris and I told the story of how we met in American Sniper.
Briefly, I was living in Long Beach at the time. A girlfriend wanted to go down to San Diego--nearly a two-hour drive--to check out some bars and relax. I almost didn't go; it was a long drive and I was tired.
But I went. We ended up in a bar in Coronado, where I found myself drinking Scotch and offering sarcastic comebacks to an admittedly good-looking but obnoxious young man hitting on me.
The man's friend came over and interrupted us, joking that I was abusing his friend.
Now this was a handsome man. A bit over six feet, solidly built, he had a warm smile and broad shoulders to go with a sweet Texas accent and an easygoing, aw-shucks manner that instantly melted my cynical heart.
His name was Chris Kyle. ~ Taya Kyle

Culturally, however, Sicily had great advantages. Muslim, Byzantine, Italian, and German civilization met and mingled there as nowhere else. Greek and Arabic were still living languages in Sicily. Frederick learnt to speak six languages fluently, and in all six he was witty. He was at home in Arabian philosophy, and had friendly relations with Mohammedans, which scandalized pious Christians. He was a Hohenstaufen, and in Germany could count as a German. But in culture and sentiment he was Italian, with a tincture of Byzantine and Arab. His contemporaries gazed upon him with astonishment gradually turning into horror; they called him 'wonder of the world and marvellous innovator'. ~ Bertrand Russell

Like Hemingway and Faulkner, but in an entirely different mode, Fitzgerald had that singular quality without which a writer is not really a writer at all, and that is a voice, a distinct and identifiable voice. This is really not the same thing as a style; a style can be emulated, a voice cannot, and the witty, rueful, elegaic voice gives his work its bright authenticity. ~ William Styron

A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it. ~ Jerry Seinfeld

John F. Kennedy brought style and charisma to the White House and a first family that captivated the country: a handsome, witty president, an elegant first lady, and two adorable young children. ~ Kitty Kelley

[On Italian:] One may almost call it a language that talks of itself, and always seems more witty than its speakers. ~ Madame De Stael

I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it. It is never of any use to oneself. ~ Oscar Wilde

I'm so smart now. Everyone's always like 'take your top off'. Sorry, NO! They always want to get that money shot. I'm not stupid. ~ Paris Hilton

Give me a couple of years, and I'll make that actress an overnight success. ~ Samuel Goldwyn

Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel. ~ Groucho Marx

He used to make me feel that nothing I said was witty enough or sarcastic enough or smart enough. He was always struggling to be different, even when it didn't matter. It was as if he was performing his life instead of living his life. ~ Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

Glenda Adams has written a wicked and witty novel. ~ Diane Johnson

Hey, look - your girlfriend is saying something.
Artemis had a vast mental reserve of scathing comebacks at his disposal, but none of them covered girlfriend insults. He wasn't even sure if it was an insult. And if it was, who was being insulted? Him or the girl? ~ Eoin Colfer

I often feel I'm a disappointment to people because they expect me to be the guy in the books. When I sit next to someone at a dinner party I can see they expect me to be quick and witty, and I'm not at all. ~ Bill Bryson

...Most attackers aren't going to be dissuaded by a witty remark."

"That's profiling," said Mattheus. "Maybe they're Oscar Wilde fans."

"He did have great clothes."

"Proving that stereotypes can span centuries. ~ Amy Fecteau

Actually, the Sniper's sense of humor frightened Amy more than anything else. The parody of Carla's poem had been witty, the rudeness of Marvy's critique outlandish, and she was still, for some reason, focused on that "youse" in the Sniper's counterfeit email. "Youse" was like a spectral elbow to Amy's ribs. Dangerous, malevolent people should not be amusing. In order to be humorous, you had to have perspective, to be able to stand outside yourself and your own needs and grudges and fears and see yourself for the puny ludicrous creature you really are. How could somebody do that and still imagine himself entitled to harry, to wound, to kill? ~ Jincy Willett

Ack! I said.
Fearless master of the witty dialogue, that's me. ~ Jim Butcher