Satirical Humor Quotes

Even though I had a great deal of respect for children's TV and theatre, it wasn't my intent to specialize solely in that area. I did indeed want to work on shows like "Sesame Street" and I am honored to be even a small part of that legacy, but I also wanted to do characters that had wider vocabulary and satirical humor. ~ Stephanie D'Abruzzo

We are puzzle pieces, bragging about being puzzle pieces, rather than being the picture. ~ Tom Althouse

Let us be absolutely truthful for once in our life. We human beings are basically assholes. As time goes by, some of us become a little better - a rascal. But most of us live and die as we were, and are. Plain-simply, assholes. ~ Fakeer Ishavardas

World opinion, though sharply divided on nuclear tests and the risk of atmospheric pollution, could congratulate itself on being united in its opposition to cannibalism. No country in the world was prepared to support the custom of eating the dead, though the right of governments to kill people, individually or by hundreds of thousands, was not questioned for a moment. ~ Leonard Wibberley

Tribal Chief 1: The will of the people is what is best. That is what democracy means

Tribal Chief 2: But if the people don't know what they are talking about, how can that be the best? ~ Leonard Wibberley

Like hell he was," said the first C.I.D. man. "I'm the C.I.D. man arround here."
Major Major could barely recognize him because he was wearing a faded maroon corduroy bathrobe with open seams under both arms, linty flannel pajamas, & worn house slippers with one flapping sole. ~ Joseph Heller

I have been told the best things in life are free ~ I found them very expensive. ~ E.A. Bucchianeri

If you were sane, we'd both be mad. ~ Fakeer Ishavardas

He offered to make-out with Hunter if it would prove that he's ok with me being gay."
"Hmm," said Adam. "Yeah I think I need to see proof."
"Shut up."
"Tell him it has to be shirtless. Wait, let me get my phone out- ~ Brigid Kemmerer

Joke in book:
You know the difference between a brownnoser and a shithead, right? Depth perception. ~ Elisabeth Naughton

I guess its time you officially met the lost boys," I said to Daniel.
"Lost boys? You mean like that old Kiefer Sutherland movie?
"What? No, I mean like Peter Pan and the lost boys."
"Is she calling us fairies?" Asked Slade.
"No," Brent said. "She means the lost boys that never wanted to grow up, and got into mischief with Peter Pan."
"Still sounds like fairies to me." Slade crossed his tattooed arms in front of his chest.
"Still sounds like that Kiefer Sutherland movie to me." Daniel smirked.
"We were in the play together, like, seven years ago. You were mad because my mom made you wear tights, but you wanted to be a pirate."
Daniel held his hand up. "Partial amnesia here, remember? I must have blocked out any and all recollections associations with said tights."
Brent, Zach, and Ryan laughed. Slade almost cracked a smile.


~ Grace, Daniel, and The Lost Boys ~ Bree Despain

If I had a dollar for everytime my mother told me god had a plan I'd probably buy a new prada bag. ~ Naya Rivera

The purpose of this lectchoor is to let you know where we are. We are in the deep cack. It couldn't be worse if it was raining arseholes. Any questions? ~ Terry Pratchett

This life's hard, but it's harder if you're stupid. ~ George V. Higgins

Politics is the art of achieving prestige and power without merit. ~ P. J. O'Rourke

Salt is like good-humor, and nearly every thing is better for a pinch of it. ~ Louisa May Alcott

Neither would you, had you grown up in a library of melodramatic romance novels. ~ Clementine Holzinger

Clearly these were deliberate waterworks to make me feel bad about myself and what would you know, they water-worked perfectly! ~ Jimmy Tudeski

If you don't beleve in yourself, who will?' ~Maybeck ~ Ridley Pearson

Sorry to hear about your Dad."
He shrugged. "He was seventy, and we always told him fast food would kill him."
"Heart attack?"
"He was hit by a Pizza Express truck. ~ J.A. Konrath

The only thing that's worse than people who say "I am what I am" is people who say "I yam what I yam" while doing a Popeye imitation. ~ Ariel Leve

Locke sighed.
'So this is winning,' he said.
'It is,' replied Jean.
'It can go fuck itself,' said Locke. ~ Scott Lynch

You know what I need to do?"
"Buy earrings?"
"I need to fully embed myself in Gabriel's life. I need to get to know the real Gabriel Archer."
"You need to buy new earrings," Heather said.
Scarlet ignored Heather and went on.
"No more excuses. The time has come. Today, I am going over to Gabriel's house after school."
"Good for you. Now let's talk about shoes." Heather put her magazine down. "They suck. ~ Chelsea Fine

Well," said Apollo with a brave smile. "You were right, my dear. You had everything under control! Let's go see if we boiled anyone important, shall we? ~ Rick Riordan

It's funny - there's nothing that stops you laughing like the sight of other people laughing about something else. ~ Michael Frayn

Sometimes I wish I could be the kind of person who has one-night stands, and instead of feeling guilty about it feels empowered by it. But I'm not. ~ Caprice Crane

A man walked into a shop and asked, "How much are your eggs?" He said "£1.40 a dozen". He then asked: "How much are your cracked ones?" He said: "35p". He said: "Crack us four dozen." ~ Frank Carson

You know, the first two, I probably should've seen coming. The leprechaun costume? Not so much. ~ Rich Burlew

This was a vagrant of sixty-five, who was going to prison for not playing the flute; or, in other words, for begging in the streets, and doing noting for his livelihood. In the next cell, was another man, who was going to the same prison for hawking tin saucepans without a licence; thereby doing something for his living, in defiance of the Stamp-office. ~ Charles Dickens

Okay," Cooper says agreeably. "But what if you and Nigel fall in love, and Nigel and I become BFFs, and then you guys get married, and Nigel wants me to be the best man, and you and I have to talk about the wedding plans?"
"That would never happen, because since Nigel would be so in love with me, he would have dumped you as a BFF as soon as we got engaged and/or told you you were not allowed to be best man at our wedding, per my wishes."
"Yes, but - "
"Wait a minute," I say. "Did you just say 'BFF'?"
"Yes," he says. He looks at me and shrugs. "I've been watching a lot of Disney Channel. ~ Lauren Barnholdt

The other one was filled with loud and obnoxious tourists. Always boasting on winning a sand castle competition and seeing who could get tanned first. What a whacky bunch of people. ~ Erica Sehyun Song

Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film. ~ Steven Wright

No one plows the field just by thinking about it. ~ Ljupka Cvetanova

Never run after a man or a bus, there's always another one in five minutes. ~ Cherry Adair

There's been shock waves sent throughout all parts of the nation's economic fabric. ~ George W. Bush

We have ample testimony to her sense of humor; Cleopatra was a wit and a prankster. There is no cause to question how she read Herodotus's further assertion that Egypt was a country in which the women urinate standing up, the men sitting down. ~ Stacy Schiff

Religion + Good Works = Good Works
Solve for Religion. ~ Dan Barker

Fat Charlie wondered what Rosie's mother would usually hear in a church. Probably just cries of "Back! Foul best of Hell!" followed by gasps of "Is it alive?" and a nervous inquiry as to whether anybody had remembered to bring the stakes and hammers. ~ Neil Gaiman

It's probably a bad indicator of your lifestyle when you miss your ex-boyfriend because he's absolutely lethal. ~ Charlaine Harris

Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamp-post what it feels about dogs.
[Time Magazine, October 31, 1977] ~ John Osborne

On my way to the parking lot, in quick succession, I saw students wearing t-shirts which read, "Save the whales. Collect the whole set," "Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now," and "Half the people you know are below average." Typical for the Eastern student body. ~ Neil S. Plakcy

Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, 'So, what did you think? ~ Steven Wright

Life is and will ever remain an equation incapable of solution, but it contains certain known factors. ~ Nikola Tesla

Glen had a disability more disfiguring than a burn and more terrifying than cancer.
Glen had been born on the day after Christmas.
"My parents just combine my birthday with Christmas, that's all," he explained.
But we knew this was a lie. Glen's parents just wrapped a couple of his Christmas presents in birthday-themed wrapping paper, stuck some candles in a supermarket cake, and had a dinner of Christmas leftovers. ~ Augusten Burroughs

If 50 million people say something foolish, it is still foolish. ~ W. Somerset Maugham