Humor And Comedy Quotes

This girl was so hot, that even if one of your friends slept with her, you would have ended up gloating about it yourself for him. ~ Jimmy Tudeski

Clearly these were deliberate waterworks to make me feel bad about myself and what would you know, they water-worked perfectly! ~ Jimmy Tudeski

Rebound sex is fine when you want to rebound and bounce back in life, but when you only want to bounce back into a bed with your ex-girlfriend, rebound sex would only ever turn out to be a regrettable thing ~ Jimmy Tudeski

Do what you do best, and outsource the rest. ~ Peter Drucker

And your life,' Katie said to Christy, 'is turning into a rather predictable romance. Girl meets boy. Boy is a dork for four years. Girl blossoms into a gorgeous woman. Boy finds his brain. Girl turns into starry-eyed mush head. ~ Robin Jones Gunn

I was finally convinced of something I had suspected for a long time: God has a sense of humor, and because the world is wondrous, God expects us to find reasons to smile even on the darkest days. ~ Dean Koontz

Finally I knelt on the bed and placed my hand on his back. I patted awkwardly, hoping that was protocol for when someone was sobbing their eyes out. "hey." pat, pat. "It's okay. We'll bust out of here before they tag us." pat, pat, pat. I felt lame ~ Elana Johnson

Since I can't turn into a bat and fly, I'll still need my bus pass ~ Daven Anderson

They served "Good Food" but only a G, an O and a D were lit up. Personally, I doubted God dined there. Unless God was keen on samonella poisoning and rat droppings in the hamburgers. But then again, what did I know? ~ Julie Kenner

One of the things I can do is to try to put myself in different kinds of movies and that kind of subtly changes my work. By the time my obituary is written, I want there to be a great western and a great comedy. ~ Ethan Hawke

The dogs in our lives, the dogs we come to love and who (we fervently believe) love us in return, offer more than fidelity, consolation, and companionship. They offer comedy, irony, wit, and a wealth of anecdotes, the "shaggy dog stories" and "stupid pet tricks" that are commonplace pleasures of life. ~ Marjorie Garber

But most of all, what really attracted me to her was her manner. She laughed a lot, and it's easy to fall for someone who can find humor in any situation. She was also intelligent, well read, and well spoken, willing to listen and confident in her beliefs. And most of all, she was warm. ~ Nicholas Sparks

You wear your armor even to dinner, Lady Wilhelmina?"
"Of course I wear armor. I am sitting with a pirate, a mercenary, an adventurer, and a bounder. If a shot is not fired tonight, I daresay that your reputations are nothing but lies. ~ Meljean Brook

That's it," Flanagan said, his thick hands gripping the bar and his eyes wide. "I'm getting back on the wagon and I'm never getting off again. Oh, Jesus, look at that."
"I'm looking," Jesus said. Flanagan flicked an annoyed glance at him ~ Kevin Hearne

For many years, February was a difficult month for me after the death of my parents. My father died in February, just a week before my mother's birthday. For years their loss cast a pall over the month. I missed them terribly. But time has changed things. I see my father often in the face of my son and I run into my mother daily each time I pass the hall mirror. ~ Mary Morrell

Humor is a prelude to faith, and laughter is the beginning of prayer. ~ Reinhold Niebuhr

Well, I'm not sure what suspicious looks like. Sometimes when you come down the mountain and stand behind those trees, you look suspicious. ~ Melina Marchetta

I was an altar boy as a kid. And the answer is no. ~ Mike Birbiglia

Shake It Up is a buddy comedy based around dance. It's about two best friends Rocky and CeCe who live out their dream as background dancers on a show called Shake It Up Chicago. They have to navigate life as young teens going to school and dancing on the show. ~ Zendaya

I never know what to get my father for his birthday. I gave him a hundred dollars and said, 'Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.' So he went out and bought a present for my mother. ~ Rita Rudner

If I were you,
And you were I,
I would kill myself,
But you would die! ~ Bruce Jennings

I went to the kitchen and felt-up the turkey. ~ Charles Bukowski

Think of the cafeteria as a road map to where you belong." Danielle pointed to the beautiful people in one corner. "Princesses and Princes over here. Then you have Heroes - leading ladies and gents that aren't royalty - Sidekicks, Villains, Pirates, Faeries, Future Animal Friends, and the ones scattered are extras - not too important but important enough to be here. Like I said, everyone sticks to their own kind."
"Who are you?"
"Cinderella of course," Danielle giggled. ~ Angela Parkhurst

Definition: 'Love' is making a shot to the knees of a target 120 kilometres away using an Aratech sniper rifle with a tri-light scope. Statement: This definition, I am told, is subject to interpretation. Obviously, 'love' is a matter of odds. Not many meatbags could make such a shot, and strangely enough, not many meatbags would derive love from it. Yet for me, love is knowing your target, putting them in your targeting reticle, and together, achieving a singular purpose... against statistically long odds... ~ HK-47

The difference between the butch and the queen is rooted in the system of male supremacy. Gay male camp is based not simply on the incongruous juxtaposition of femininity and maleness, but also on the reordering of particular power relationships inherent in our society's version of masculinity and femininity. The most obvious cause for the minimum development of camp among lesbians was that masculinity was not and still isn't as incongruous as femininity in twentieth century American culture and therefore not as easily used as a basis for humor. Concomitantly although individual women might be able to sexually objectify a man, women has a group did not have the social power to objectify men in general. Therefore, such objectification could never be the basis for a genre of humor with wide appeal. But why didn't camp develop and thrive within the lesbian community itself? Because the structures of oppression were such that lesbians never really escaped from male supremacy. In lesbians' actual struggles in the bars or out on the streets, authority was always male. For queens to confront male authority was a confrontation between two men, on some level equals. The queen was playing with male privilege, which was his by birthright. For women to confront male authority is to break all traditional training and roles. Without a solid organization of all women, this requires taking on a male identity, beating men at their own game. Passive resistance or the fist is most appropriate f ~ Joan Nestle

Don't have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them. ~ Steve Martin

Yeah, we shot ourselves in the foot right out of the gate. The guy who ran it at first misled pretty much everybody about how much capital we had. He said we had enough to go three years without making money, and we had enough to go three weeks. ~ Al Franken

Noah turned to face his younger sister, arching one brow to a fairly smug height. Lenga lifted a brow back at him, giving him a delicate smattering of applause.
"And I was afraid you would never learn the art of diplomacy," she remarked, her lips twitching with her humor. "It merely took you the entire two and a half centuries of my life. Longer, actually. You had a few centuries' head start."
"Funny how you seem to recall the fact that I am far older than you only when it suits your arguments, my sister," he taunted her, reaching to tug on her hair as he had been doing since her childhood.
"Well, I can say with all honesty that this is the first time I have ever seen you forgo a good argument with Hannah, opting for peace instead. I was beginning to wonder if you were my brother at all. Perhaps some imposter . . ."
"Legna, be careful. You are speaking words of treason," he teased her, tugging her hair once more, making her turn around to swat at his hand.
"I don't know how you convinced the entire Council that you were mature enough to be King, Noah! You are such a child!" She twisted her body so he couldn't grab at her hair again. "And I swear, if you pull my hair once more like some sort of schoolyard bully, I am going to put you to sleep and shave you bald!"
Noah immediately raised his hands in acquiescence, laughing as Legna flushed in exasperation. For all her grace and ladylike ways, Noah's little sister was quite capable of making good on ~ Jacquelyn Frank

He also wasn't sure where to go to avoid running into some type of surfer gang. He'd seen Point Break and while he suspected it was nothing but Hollywood bullshit, he didn't exactly want to find out the hard way he was wrong. ~ Marie Sexton

And I walked across the gravel, towards the road and somewhere in the universe of my soul a fiery, life-giving star collapsed, and a very black hole began to form. ~ Matt Haig

Jerry took a large slice of wheaten bread, spread with golden butter, and bit into it with her small white teeth. It was a natural gesture - she was very hungry indeed - but to Sam, there was something symbolic about it. Jerry was like bread, he thought. She was like good wholesome wheaten bread, spread thick with honest farm butter; and the thought crossed his mind, that a man might eat bread forever and ever, and not tire of it, and it would never clog his palate like sweet cakes or pastries or chocolate eclairs. ~ D.E. Stevenson

My doctor has given me as strong an antihistamine as she is allowed to prescribe, but even that does nothing for the itching and swelling. The moment a grain of pollen enters the keep, I begin to tomato, and after two minutes of being exposed to the Ejaculateum Arboratoeaea, I am lying on the ground with my tongue lolling out of the side of my mouth.
I am heartily glad that the trees and plants are still interested in copulatory activities; I only wish they would be so good as to keep their sperm away from my face. Do not pretend that pollen is anything else; it transfers haploid male genetic material and sullies the bedclothes unmercifully. ~ Michelle Franklin

Sex is not a wizard, whatever magical-seeming properties it might possess in its better forms. If your friend says to you, "You're being mean, you need to get laid," your problem is not sex. Your problems are that you might be acting like an asshole, and your friends are definitely idiots. ~ Katie Heaney

Unfortunately this Electric Monk had developed a fault, and had started to believe all kinds of things, more or less at random. It was even beginning to believe things they'd have difficulty believing in Salt Lake City. ~ Douglas Adams

I was doing comedy in laundry mats in 1992, literally where I would bring a little gorilla amp and a lapel mike and just start performing. ~ Dane Cook

For her seventh birthday, Mazy Gulliver got a Play Bride set that included a white veil, a plastic bouquet and a rhinestone ring. She immediately organized a wedding celebration under the basketball goal where she married Termy Latham, the boy next door. An argument could be made that the incident was merely the first in a long series of hasty, ill-conceived and unwise decisions about men. ~ Pamela Morsi

Everybody! This is my cousin right here, and he just dethroned God's gift to Women - Griffin ~ S.C. Stephens

I mean if you two were to make love, that would be gay. Two men touching each other physically and emotionally ... erotically caressing each other ... on the hood of a car ... or the back of a movie theater ... ~ Kristen Schaal

I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say 'I'm Stupid.' That way you wouldn't rely on them, and you wouldn't ask them for nothing. ~ Bill Engvall

Comedy is inherently subversive because it turns the normal reality on its head. The art form is all about these questions and contradictions. In comedy, we're dealing with language that we all understand, but words can have a dozen other things around them that alter or affect meaning. ~ Paul Provenza