Most Funny Quotes

My persona is most importantly just to communicate the material in a way that is most funny and meaningful in the moment. It's more like a character that's sculpted for whatever joke needs communicating at the moment. ~ Bo Burnham

I had placed my stick on the table, as I do every evening. It had been specially made to suit my height, to enable me to walk without too much difficulty. As I was standing up, a customer called to me: 'Monsieur, don't forget your pencil.' It was very unkind, but most funny. ~ Henri De Toulouse-Lautrec

Money in property is dead money. It doesn't help the country. It's funny how the U.K., Ireland and Spain are the most property-obsessed nations in Europe and yet are also the ones suffering the most. ~ Peter Hargreaves

I have this weird obsession with kids and old people falling. Like, funny falls. It is awful, but it's the thing that makes me laugh the most. ~ Malin Akerman

Comics write to their point of view. If you're an exceedingly irreverent comedian, you've got to see where that point of view fits or produces the most funny. ~ Jim Gaffigan

When you step out and do a song in a musical, the easier thing to do is make it funny. But when those transitions become necessary, when they aren't camp, that, to me, is magic. I've done musical comedies and enjoyed them, but subject matter that's deeper and more realistic is always what's appealed to me most. ~ Kelli O'Hara

Human history's the most funny and yet the most tragic discovery will be the discovery of the religious people that all religions are man-made! And this childish discovery will enable the pious to make an intellectual jump in the upwards direction. The devout will turn into a progressive man and the history will flow faster in the progressive direction. ~ Mehmet Murat Ildan

You're going to pay the bill," said Grahame. "Then I'll escort you and the young lady out to the car. And we'll go back to my place, for a proper talk. Any funny business, and I shoot you both. Capiche? "
Fat Charlie capiched. He also capiched who had been driving the black Mercedes that afternoon and just how close he had already come to death that day. He was beginning to capiche how utterly cracked Grahame Coats was and how little chance Daisy and he had of getting out of this alive. ~ Neil Gaiman

The lead car is unique, except for the one behind it which is identical. ~ Murray Walker

Zarya started to speak, then paused as she caught sight of Kyr in the doorway. He was staring a hole through Nykyrian. Syn nudged Nykyrian slightly to get his attention. "Look, Kip. Your friend wants to say hi." Nykyrian scoffed. "Damn, you're slow, Syn. He's been eyeballing me for about five minutes now." Syn snorted. "Eyeballing. Ar, ar. I get it." Unamused, Nykyrian released an elongated breath, but Zarya thought it was funny. Sick, ~ Sherrilyn Kenyon

Don't fool yourself that important things can be put off till tomorrow; they can be put off forever, or not at all ~ Mignon McLaughlin

Hold the mail, I could swear that was funny. He must draw his powers from the others. A malevolent synergy, like when you multiply negative numbers. ~ Gordon Highland

They gave each other a smile with a future in it. ~ Ring Lardner

He seemed to be staring at the chain hanging from the ceiling fan. Seconds later, he confirmed this by reaching out and tugging the chain.
Light clicked on.
He tugged the chain again.
Light went off.
Oh for gods' sake, he had a mean case of ADD sometimes. "Apollo," I snapped. ~ Jennifer L. Armentrout

I used to carry a rabbit's foot for luck. Then it was a monkey's paw. Now it's a camel's toe. ~ Kristen Schaal

It's basically the same, just darker. (on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons, 1991 ~ Alan Kulwicki

Pg. 231-232: They'd given me a minivan. They could have picked any car and they picked a minivan. A minivan. O God of the Vehicular Justice, why dost thou mock me? Minivan, you albatross around my neck! You mark of Cain! You wretched beast high ceilings and few horsepower! ~ John Green

Some of my cousins are so rich and stuck up. I fear they will one day have a heart attack when they realize that nasty smell was them as they farted. ~ Mark A. Cooper

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer? ~ Steven Wright

Everything we do means something, Ender realized. Them laughing. Me not laughing. He toyed with the idea of trying to be like the other boys. But he couldn't think of any jokes, and none of theirs seemed funny. Wherever their laughter came from, Ender couldn't find such a place in himself. ~ Orson Scott Card

Resolve was never stronger than in the morning, after the night, when it was never weaker ~ Mike Leigh

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house. ~ Zsa Zsa Gabor

What happens over the next few months is like the plot of a children's movie, the kind where a dog finds its owner in spite of insurmountable odds and prohibitive geography. ~ Lena Dunham

(Imitating a Belarus citizen commenting on their national flag) Stupid National Anthem ... Look at this flag; Two bears fighting over a pineapple. What kind of message does that send to the world? Come to Belarus, where wild animals will steal your fruit ~ Bill Bailey

Once you realize you can make people laugh, it's a superpower. When you're really young, you don't know how to use that power, so I would just say the meanest things I could to get a laugh. I was so awful. I would make fun of kids who didn't deserve to get made fun of. I was just mean, when I was really young. You don't realize that you don't have to be mean to be funny. But, it was something that I was just able to grow into. ~ Nick Swardson

Zeb grinned. "You were the only person I know who's done it on an occupied police car."
I glared at him. "If you want to start trading stories, we can start trading stories. As a former member of the Richard Marx Fan Club, you don't want to start this arms race."
Zeb smiled meekly around a rib. Agreed."
"Richard Marx?" Jolene asked.
"He went through an obnoxiously cheerful pop phase. Don't ask. ~ Molly Harper

I am against the war, but I do support our white troops. No, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I'm not a Republican. I'm not a member of the party of inclusion. Wonderful, tolerant, rational human beings they are ... ~ David Cross

Is that the biggest favor your vocal cords have done to anyone this week? ~ Pawan Mishra

This is quite difficult 'cause I have a really flat head, and so it's quite difficult to get a correct angle. And you can't go up from down below as well, 'cause I've got, like, rock solid gelled hair. And so, like, it was odd. I don't know, sometimes I feel like my head is being, like, turned inside out. Like that episode of Ren & Stimpy when he's inside his own belly button. I don't know. ~ Robert Pattinson

And here's Moses Kiptanui - the 19 year old Kenyan, who turned 20 a few weeks ago. ~ David Coleman

This is Glesca ... Any time you're confused, take a wee minute to remind yourself of that inescapable fact: this is Glesca. We don't do subtle, we don't do nuanced, we don't do conspiracy. We do pish-heid bampot bludgeoning his girlfriend to death in a fit of paranoid rage induced by forty-eight hours straight on the batter. We do coked-up neds jumping on a guy's heid outside a nightclub because he looked at them funny. We do drug-dealing gangster rockets shooting other drug-dealing gangster rockets as comeback for something almost identical a fortnight ago. We do bam-on-bam. We do tit-for-tat, score-settling, feuds, jealousy, petty revenge. We do straightforward. We do obvious. We do cannaemisswhodunit. When you hear hoofbeats on Sauchiehall Street, it's gaunny be a horse, no' a zebra ... '. ~ Christopher Brookmyre

I apologize. Hi, I'm Agent Sloane Brodie, your Team Leader. I enjoy reading, cozy nights in, and the soothing sounds of classic rock. I also like to browse the Internet for funny cat videos, but deep down, I think I'm more of a dog person. ~ Charlie Cochet

It's been going on for days now! On and on and on for days! If I hear one more sexual-chemistry-charged and mutually misunderstood argument I'm going to shoot the pair of you! ~ Dave Stone

I allow a lot of room for improvisation and funny stuff. I always feel planned. ~ Michael Bay

Holy mama llama. That's Nathanial Stone. Nathanial Stone is sitting in my booth. Nathanial Stone is in the Finewhile Diner sitting in my booth. I'm supposed to wait on Nathanial Stone. I'm going to make a fool out of myself. I just know it. I can feel it coming. Crap. ~ D.L. Hess

That Stage in Friendship when you can start Insulting them. ~ Tracey Becker

Who-who are you?" Seth asked, hesitantly."Wh-what do you want?" How else was was I supposed to reply? The words were out of my mouth before I could stop them.I mean, I'd only seen the movie like seventeen times.
"I'm Luke Skywalker," I said. "I'm here to rescue you. ~ Meg Cabot

Too much work, and no vacation, Deserves at least a small libation. So hail! my friends, and raise your glasses, Work's the curse of the drinking classes. ~ Oscar Wilde

My wife and I have so much fun when we travel and find anything ... like stray cats and squirrels. ~ Eric Roberts

There's this other world where all comedians want to do is make funny videos. Typically what's happened in the past is that a comedian gets a standup career and over the course of 20 years builds it up to the point where Comedy Central gives them a sketch show. ~ Gavin McInnes