Kids Humor Quotes

When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said. ~ Steven Wright

The jewel in the baby product crown is the stroller. And if in America you are what you drive, then in Parentland, you are what you push. ~ Paul Reiser

I knew that one of my sharpest memories of sixth grade was forever doomed to be that moment - sitting there with the overwhelming odor of rotten eggs, spaghetti, manure, dead dog, wet schoolbags, smelly socks, and the girly perfume of Amy Bellini's shampoo … all filling my nostrils. ~ Ferguson Fartworthy

I think there's no greater joy than completing a song out of thin air. It's like inventing something, but it's invisible, you know? It's weird. It amazes me. You can send it out in the world, and that's the joy. It's like giving birth to all these songs and letting them go like they're your kids. ~ Jason Mraz

Every parent knows that for a kid, the car is chloroform.. ~ Ray Romano

We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop for midgets. It used to get so damp in there, we'd have a rainbow above it. ~ Phyllis Diller

A second grader thinks she knows everything. She said her mommy was running a marathon tomorrow and I told her she was wrong. People can't run marathons. Marathons are when the same show is on TV all day long." Piper smirked and looked out her window, mighty proud of herself.
There goes my chance of winning Mother of the Year. ~ Beth Ehemann

I guess we were kinda poor when we were kids, but we didn't know it. That's because my dad always refused to let us look at the family's financial records. ~ Frankie Boyle

Everyone has a part in the play – especially little kids. ~ Art Hochberg

Kids are still up," David commented, noting the guest house was lit up like a Vegas casino. "I'll
have to kill them."
"Yes, I've noticed what a terrifying and brutal father you are. And how your children fear you."
He slanted her a look. "I wouldn't mind seeing the occasional tremble out of them."
"I think it's way too late for that. You've gone and raised two happy, well-adjusted kids ~ Nora Roberts

The reason I'm not an alcoholic is I don't like to drink in front of the kids ... and when you're away from them, who needs it?. ~ Phyllis Diller

Will you have kids?"
"You make such an attractive case for the reproductive plunge. I don't know, Duncan. Childhood is so exhausting."
"As a parent?"
"I mean as the child. Not sure it's fair to drop somebody else into life without giving them a choice in the matter."
"You'll find it's kind of tough to canvass the opinion of sperm."
"I prefer asking the eggs - they're more articulate. Anyway, aren't you the guy who's always bemoaning the future of humanity? Saying how the worst jerks always have millions of babies, meaning the world gets worse every generation?"
"Exactly why decent people need to have kids. ~ Tom Rachman

My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

When I was a little kid I always wanted to be ginger. My best friend was ginger and he was pretty cool. ~ Noel Fielding

Wouldst thou both eat thy cake and have it? ~ George Herbert

He had three
incision sites: one where the microscopic camera had gone in and
two where they'd done the actual work, and the abuse he'd taken
today went straight to her heart. "Oh, Pace."
"I'm guessing that wasn't an 'Oh, Pace, you're so sexy, take me.' ~ Jill Shalvis

Yes, and you did it spectacularly. They were the best non words ever not spoken. ~ Robert Thier

I'm not as concerned about me. What's happened to me has been great. I got five great kids. Seventeen grandchildren. ~ Joe Paterno

ELEGY, n. A composition in verse, in which, without employing any of the methods of humor, the writer aims to produce in the reader's mind the dampest kind of dejection. ~ Ambrose Bierce

Fool! Nothing but black ink runs through my veins! ~ Hiromu Arakawa

Cool. So glad I got to do all this in a towel. ~ Brian K. Vaughan

I have always believed that raising kids means more than just being a good parent and trying to do the right things. It means surrounding your kids with amazing people who can bring science experiments and jam cookies, laughter and joy, and beautiful experiences into their lives. ~ Karina Yan Glaser

Although I like a good scary movie, I've never actually believed anything paranormal or supernatural could be real ... until today. Magic genies, witch spells, and magic troll dolls with funky bright hair are other ideas that have crossed my mind. It also occurs to me that I may be going crazy, and will have to be committed before I finish high school. ~ Jen Naumann

The Challenge is to pry Bertie loose from Dain and his circle of oafish dengenerates," Jessica said severely.
"It would be far more profitable to pry Dain loose for yourself," said her grandmother. "He is very wealthy, his lineage is excellent, he is young, strong, and healthy, and you feel a powerful attraction."
"He isn't husband material."
"What I have described is perfect husband material." said her grandmother.
"I don't want a husband."
"Jessica, no woman does who can regard men objectively. And you have always been magnificently objective. ~ Loretta Chase

I don't think a lot of people realize the influence TV has on our kids. Kids take a lot of their cues from it in their dress and their conduct. ~ Jerry Mathers

What goes up must come down. Which is why we invented Viagra, to make it stay up a little longer. ~ Carroll Bryant

I mean, when a man reaches ... a certain age," he tried again, "he knows the world is never going to be perfect. He's got used to it being a bit, a bit ... " "Manky?" Nobby suggested. Tucked behind his ear, in the place usually reserved for his cigarette, was another wilting lilac flower. "Exactly," said Colon. "Like, it's never going to be perfect, so you just do the best you can, right? But when there's a kid on the way, well, suddenly a man sees it different. He thinks: my kid's going to have to grow up in this mess. Time to clean it up. Time to make it a Better World. He gets a bit ... keen. Full of ginger. ~ Terry Pratchett

Dancing?' Annabeth asked.
Thalia nodded. She cocked her ear to the music and made a face. 'Ugh. Who chose Jesse McCartney?'
Grover looked hurt. 'I did. ~ Rick Riordan

My mother was tickled and I think kind of proud when my father got hit on my an attractive middle-aged Asian lady who hadn't noticed he was with his family. He was certainly pleased about it. ~ Craig Ferguson

I began cutting up fish when I was a little kid. ~ Masa Takayama

I try to avoid having thoughts. They lead to other thoughts, and - if you're not careful - those lead to actions. Actions make you tired. I have this on rather good authority from someone who once read it in a book. ~ Brandon Sanderson

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally. ~ W.C. Fields

Leaving?" she squeaked, bemused, as Max opened her wardrobe. "You're abducting me?"
"Eloping. Eloping involves hurried packing. Abducting involves masked men and a burlap sack. ~ Kate Noble

I met Steve Jobs once. In '06? He had a sense of humor. ~ Fred Armisen

AT&T is now offering a new service that allows you to pay your bills through your TV screen by using your remote control. So instead of saying, "The check's in the mail," people are going to say, "Hey, I wanted to pay, but I couldn't find the remote." ~ Jay Leno

Because there's no way on earth she's going to make it through college unless she grows some serious ovaries and turns this train wreck around ~ Lisa McMann

Precise, graceful, and generous, the poems in SuperLoop, seem to be born out of a deep, careful attention and a profound compassion. Sometimes the quiet observer, sometimes the kid in the center of the messed-up carnival, these poems are the fireflies you've missed all winter, the longed-for return of the bees. Unaffected and inherently hopeful, Callihan's work is as merciful as it is moving. ~ Ada Limon

It's been a struggling school for many, many years, and [that's] not surprising since it's serving some of the most disadvantaged kids in the city. It wasn't the only one by any means, but it was among those. It shows that things like good, steady, stable leadership makes a huge difference; focusing on the culture of the schools as a place where kids feel supported and want to be; supporting the teachers, so they want to stay and work hard. ~ Pedro Noguera

I was a very quiet kid. A really sweet kid, I might add. ~ Janet Jackson

A blanket could be used as a tarp over one of those tiny circular inflatable pools for children. Well, you might call it a tarp, but I'd call it a trap. But I've already tried everything I can think of to silence the noisy neighbor kids, from mousetraps on lollipop sticks, to superglue disguised as lip gloss - and yet the shrieking continues. ~ Jarod Kintz

I'd love to do some bedtime stories for kids or that kind of thing. But with the demands of the shooting schedule and balancing the demands of being a single mother, it's a wonder you can squeeze in anything. ~ Roma Downey

My kids have grown up knowing nothing other than me being gone all the time and playing in golf tournaments. That's what they know. ~ Stewart Cink

When I die cremate me so I can finally fit into something small. ~ Xondra Day

I can't decide whether I'm a good girl wrapped up in a bad girl, or if I'm a bad girl wrapped up in a good girl. And that's how I know I'm a woman! ~ C. JoyBell C.

Kids on the set tend to be a pain, and if they're not, their parents are. ~ Timothy Olyphant