Jerry Lewis Funny Humor Quotes

I get paid for what most kids get punished for. ~ Jerry Lewis

It's absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we've got rockets, we've got saran wrap - fix it! ~ Lewis Black

North Korea is the country that the monkeys in the Wizard of Oz came from. ~ Lewis Black

Well first of all, I'd just like to say that 2005 was a great year, if you like swimming through crap. ~ Lewis Black

If you are an adult, and you are planning to dress up on Halloween ... don't. I will find you. I will hurt you. ~ Lewis Black

I call my dad 'Admiral Ass Hat,' he doesn't really think it's funny. ~ Jay Crownover

People go to Vegas, and they don't know what to do; here's what you do. You go to the casino in your hotel. On your arrival, you get $100 in quarters. Take that $100 back to your hotel room and stare at it for a long, long time. Why? Because you're never going to see them again. Then you take those quarters to the bathroom and you flush them, one by one by one. And the nice thing about that is that every so often the toilet will back up, and you'll feel like a WINNER! ~ Lewis Black

Want to enjoy an restful day? Wake up, turn your phone on, meditate, look at the sky - then toss your phone into the bushes. ~ Waylon H. Lewis

I turned down 'Some Like It Hot.' See how smart I am? I felt I couldn't bring anything funny to it. The outfit was funny. I don't need to compete with the wardrobe. ~ Jerry Lewis

They've gotta stop reporting wind chill. That's nonsense. It really is. I don't know where they came up with it, why they came up with it, but it's a lie. They come on, "Well, it's 27 degrees today, but with the wind chill, it's minus 3." ... Well, then it's minus 3, asshole! I don't need to know what the weather was like if the conditions were perfect! ~ Lewis Black

Writing is thinking and thinking is hard work. ~ Lewis Black

I'm paranoid. On my stationary bike, I have a rear view mirror. ~ Richard Lewis

Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!" ~ Lewis Black

Humor is our way of defending ourselves from life's absurdities by thinking absurdly about them. ~ Lewis Mumford

I had more material on weather than anyone else, I guess, ... back when I was traveling a lot on the road as a standup comic, between airport security and the weather ... I just wanted to be prepared for sitting in the airport. ~ Lewis Black

I get a lot of big ideas, and occasionally I actually come up with one myself. ~ Bauvard

It is a sign of immaturity to believe that being older than someone (automatically) makes you more (mentally) mature than them. ~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

A brick is ... ... ... Well it's a bloody brick what more do you want from me? ~ Nicole McKay

Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do criticize him, you'll be a mile away and have his shoes. ~ Steve Martin

Lea stood upon a fallen log ahead of us, staring ahead. Mouse walked up to her.

Gggrrrr rawf arrrgggrrrrarrrr," I said.

Mouse gave me an impatient glance, and somehow--I don't know if it was something in his body language or what--I became aware that he was telling me to sit down and shut up or he'd come over and make me.

I sat down. Something in me really didn't like that idea, but when I looked around, I saw that everyone else had done it too, and that made me feel better.

Mouse said, again in what sounded like perfectly clear English, "Funny. Now restore them."

Lea turned to look at the big dog and said, "Do you dare to give me commands, hound?"

Not your hound," Mouse said. I didn't know how he was doing it. His mouth wasn't moving or anything. "Restore them before I rip your ass off. Literally rip it off."

The Leanansidhe tilted her head back and let out a low laugh. "You are far from your sources of power here, my dear demon."

I live with a wizard. I cheat." He took a step toward her and his lips peeled up from his fangs in unmistakable hostility. "You want to restore them? Or do I kill you and get them back that way?"

Lea narrowed her eyes. Then she said, "You're bluffing."

One of the big dog's huge, clawed paws dug at the ground, as if bracing him for a leap, and his growl seemed to . . . I looked down and checked. It didn't seem to shake the ground. The ground ~ Jim Butcher

Oh, dear God and baby Jesus in the manger, my eyes!" Dee shrieked. "My eyes! ~ Jennifer L. Armentrout

You can talk any redneck into a challenge. That's why so many rednecks die in strange ways. ~ Jase Robertson

Women are like puzzles because prior to 1920 neither had the right to vote. Puzzles still don't. ~ Bo Burnham

You can always tell a pig by its grunt. ~ Nikolai Gogol

Angie, I've seen my mom wrestle two cops to the ground with a taser dart in her neck, and you cry when your shoes pinch. Good luck, Bambi! ~ George Lopez

When I fart my ass makes a trumpet sound that heralds the arrival of the smell. ~ Adam Carolla

Intelligence tests are biased toward the literate. ~ George Carlin

Historically, Hollywood comedy has arrived in skinny envelopes. From fence post Buster Keaton to herky-jerky Jerry Lewis to wiry nerve-bundle Woody Allen to hung-loose Richard Pryor to whippy contortionist Jim Carrey, its comics and clowns have tended to be sliced thin and bendable. ~ James Wolcott

The fact that she made this beeline for me both warmed my soul and made me want to turn around, walk out the door, and find a cliff to fling myself off of. ~ Lia Habel

I went to the butchers to buy a leg of lamb. "Is it Scotch?", I asked. "Why?" the butcher said in reply. "Are you going to talk to it or eat it?". "In that case, have you got any wild duck?". "No", he responded, "but I've got one I could aggravate for you." ~ Chic Murray

Did you ever wake up with an erection ... and find yourself in a massage chair at Brookstone? And you yell to the sales clerk "I'll take it!" ~ Zach Galifianakis

In the event of a cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling, and untangling them will annoy you before you die. ~ Frankie Boyle

I have a funny sense of humor. If I was a comedian and I was up on stage, people would think that's funny, because I'm a funny comedian. I'm an entertainer. ~ Lil B

More than ever before, Americans are suffering from back problems, back taxes, back rent, back auto payments. ~ Robert Orben

Jesus girls! Wake up! If a guy wants to drain you of your energy, emotions, and life force he won't sparkle in the sunshine, he'll just marry you. ~ Nick Shamhart

He had spoken with such absolute confidence that I knew he had to be blowing this out of his rectal orifice. ~ Neal Stephenson

Ladies, your happiness is very important to us. You have to understand that. Because when you're happy, you let us touch you. ~ Adam Ferrara

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. ~ Steven Wright

My father was a small claims court jester. ~ Steven Wright

I think the essence of humor has not changed. It's all about surprise, facilitating follows. But the context of humor has changed. Previously, the jokes were more related to current issues, political. Today people make about each other either funny or about people like Kim Kardashian. It's brutal. Everything is so much vielschmutziger. ~ Bette Midler

It can hardly be a coincidence that no language on earth has ever produced the expression, 'As pretty as an airport. ~ Douglas Adams

On the morning appointed for Admiral Croft and Mrs. Croft's seeing Kellynch-hall, Anne found it most natural to take her almost daily walk to Lady Russell, and keep out of the way till all was over; when she found it most natural to be sorry that she had missed the opportunity of seeing them. ~ Jane Austen

I went to England to tell jokes, and I wanted to tell my Smokey the Bear joke, but I had to ask the English people if they knew who Smokey the Bear is. But they don't. In England, Smokey the Bear is not the forest-fire-prevention representative. They have Smackie the Frog. It's a lot like a bear, but it's a frog. And that's a better system, I think we should adopt it. Because bears can be mean, but frogs are always cool. Never has there been a frog hopping toward me and I thought, "Man, I better play dead!" ~ Mitch Hedberg

My first impression of him was that he was free spirited, clever, funny. That proved to be completely inaccurate. ~ Ottessa Moshfegh

The next day the stock market crashed. Hemmingway didn't quite understand what
it all meant, but from the way the white people in town were running around like
chickens without heads, she took it as an omen. ~ Bernice L. McFadden