Adam Carolla Quotes

I had two thoughts about it. One was I could do that, and the next one was I'll never get to do that.

A lot of people would say, to be truthful is to tell all, every dalliance, every crisis. They might be right on paper, but in practice, it's not a great way to go.

I'm not comically oriented. I get angry and I start complaining and then people start laughing. I don't even want them to laugh half the time.

If Joy Behar or Sherri Shepherd was a dude, they'd be off TV. They're not funny enough for dudes. What if Roseanne Barr was a dude? Think we'd know who she was?

If you spend your life walking through somebody else's museum, you never find out whether you're Rembrandt or not.

I spoke to my dad, and he said it took close to 90 dollars to raise me. But that was me and my sister, and my sister moved out when she was 16, so sometimes it can knock you up to triple digits to raise a kid.

If you've driven over to the gay section of Los Angeles, it's like a golf course ... Real estate values go 'boom!'

People look at me, and they go, 'You're white, you're smart, you must have went to college. You must have grown up with money.'

You're working-class heroes, even though you don't work.

Here's a handy list of warning signs of the worst people on the road. Some are tuned-out menaces, others are just assholes. Be alert, and if you see this on a vehicle close to you, get away now. STICK FIGURE FAMILY: I hereby decree that you are allowed to accelerate to ramming speed every time you see a minivan with a silhouette of the family and their names on the rear window. We get it, you didn't pull out. Is that information you really think I'm interested in? I know you're a parent. You're driving a Plymouth Voyager with two hundred thousand miles on it; do you imagine I'm behind you thinking, "Who is that gay entrepreneur?" Even worse is the theme family. Oh, you're into snowboarding? Oh, you've got cats? Oh, they've all got Mickey ears, they must really love Disney. You know what I love? Driving more than fifty-three miles an hour. How about a stick figure depiction of your family moving the fuck over and letting me get to work on time?

Oprah tells women what to read, what to eat, what to think, what to do ...

I like my parents but they are just not good parents. They are nice enough people. I'm not interested in hurting their feelings.

Here's why guys are smarter than women. We're curious. We want to know shit.

I am not a good cue card reader.

I'm a sort of nuts-and-bolts guy. I'm into turning wrenches and swinging a hammer and wrenching on cars.

I know everything because I know nothing.

I like the freedom of podcasting. With podcasting you can really mess around with the form and the format. You can do as much time as you like without having to pause for commercials.

California is like the hot blond high school chick who's been getting by on her looks, but now she's 45 and falling apart.

Everyone in Hollywood thinks like a Republican fiscally by leaving town to shoot everything; they just don't vote that way.

I don't have dyslexia, I'm just dumb.

It's something I've always kicked around, not doing the eBook but the Rich Man, Poor Man thing.

Lamb-skin condoms must send a mixed message to guys who like to fuck sheep. And I wonder what the answer would be if you were to talk to a sheep about whether they would rather become a car-seat cover or a condom? If the sheep answers "condom," I think we can assume that sheep is gay. Sure you're sliding into a lady part, but you're going to have some guy coming inside you.

I mean, we sit around and we go, you know, 'Torture doesn't work.' Well, it's been around for 5,000 years. Most stuff that doesn't work goes the way of the dodo pretty quick, like waterbeds and 8-tracks and things like that.

Of course on air I use occasional hyperbole to tell a story.

My first car was a motorcycle.

I'm not sexist, I'm just a realist.

Everything seems overwhelming when you stand back and look at the totality of it. I build a lot of stuff and it would all seem impossible if I didn't break it down piece by piece, stage by stage. The best gift you can give yourself is some drive
that thing inside of you that gets you out the door to the gym, job interviews, and dates. The believe-in-yourself adage is grossly overrated.

Our current government doesn't give a f*** about transportation. They only give a f*** about making money. When it comes to synchronizing the traffic lights and cutting down on that lost time sitting in traffic, they don't have the IQ for that. But when it comes to stuff that makes them money - chickens*** tickets, parking meters, and speed traps - they're all Lex Luthor. They turn into diabolical mad geniuses.

I used to be a Democrat, now I'm basically a Republican.

To all of you reading this who are on the fence about therapy because of the cost: It's smart money, spend it. That one hundred bucks an hour pays off down the road when you learn through therapy how to get out of your own way, stop self-sabotaging and thus make good decisions about relationships and career. Think of it as an investment in yourself. Simply going to therapy helps. Just carving out an hour for yourself, and deciding that you and your life are worth spending some time and money on makes a difference. That simple act alone boosts your self-esteem. Don't think of going to therapy as "I'm a broken pile of crap and need someone to fix me," think of it as "I'm going to change myself for the better instead of crying, masturbating and blaming my parents for the rest of my life.

As a kid, did you think when you grew up you'd be spoken to as if you were still in preschool? When did it become okay to treat adults this way?

ability to know that you're not perfect but that you can get better if you look within, internalize the struggle, and work harder, instead of bringing everyone else down.

[Giving welfare to poor people] is the equivalent of the government sending [fat people] a jumbo bag of Bugles in the mail twice a month.

I'm really just trying to hash out the next two weeks of my life. So, something that is potentially four months down the road is not just a mile down the road for me, it's a million miles down the road.

Maybe it's weird, but I don't feel in any way, shape or form that I'm taking over his show.

There's no bigger atheist than me. Well, I take that back. I'm a cancer screening away from going agnostic and a biopsy away from full-fledged Christian.

I think the government is incompetent, not evil.

The shuttle is the worst $20 you'll ever save. It adds 90 minutes to whatever a Town Car or cab would have been. You have the unenviable choice between being dropped off last or being dropped off first and having a bunch of losers who can't afford cab fare and have no friends or loved ones with cars knowing exactly where you live.

If women built the bridges or were meant to build the bridges, then they would have done it.

Rich people don't pay taxes? Of course they pay taxes - they pay tons in taxes. They pay for everyone else who doesn't pay taxes.

Should women be on any pills besides birth control? We should just give them all sugar pills for everything, they're so suggestible.

Three-year-olds have no control over their lives. If you don't want your kids competing in pageants, you hold the power, not them. I sincerely doubt a six-year-old would hitchhike to the banquet room at the Sheraton and compete in the Little Miss Shaker Heights pageant herself if her emotionally damaged Mommy wasn't pushing her.

The main thing that I learned from my horrible job experiences was how horrible they were.

I give women two types of orgasms. Fake and none.

The government is a giant corporation with no competition that is constantly trying to keep you off balance so it can siphon more money from you.

The Zipper is scarier than any ride at Six Flags because there is a real element of danger. It was put together that morning by a guy who was smoking and sipping off a flask while he was doing it. And the House of Mirrors is a disaster. It's a fun house where the fun is head trauma from running into a sheet of glass.

I've always boxed, I always taught boxing.

I swear my car won't run unless I'm picking my nose: At least, I'm that superstitious about it, so I don't want to take any chances.

I was a horrible student.

Now the poles have gotten so far apart that anyone who isn't officiating a gay wedding at a Whole Foods is considered to be to the right of Rush Limbaugh.

If the media isn't slanted toward the Left, why is everyone so worried about my affiliation with Glenn Beck but not with Alec Baldwin?

If you are tuning in just for the show, you're going to be sorely disappointed.

I'm harmless. I don't have any ill will or ill thought towards anybody. When people know you're that way, you can say stuff that the creepy guy at your office could never get away with.

Lets not focus on saving a nickel ... lets focus on making a buck.

The reason I hate publicists is because I think if we got rid of them everything would be on equal footing.

My life is about building and working and wrenching on some cars.

You shouldn't be eating anything that takes six minutes to microwave.

The truth is we're all probably more creative than we realize, except we spend our lives watching TV or reading somebody else's book. We never pick up a brush and stand in front of our own easel.

Junior colleges are high schools with ashtrays.

Mmm, tastes like hepatitis!

Millions of guys play millions of basketball games every day of the week at the playground or the YMCA. But LeBron James gets $20 million a year because he can jam on all of those guys. We're always going to want to see LeBron and Kobe go at it.

I'm a comedian, not a politician.

If in 1989 I said, 'I have an idea: Bottle water and sell it. And charge more than a beer,' they would have chased me around with a giant butterfly net. The same with paying to watch a television station.

I could definitely see myself making a serious movie or a drama in the future.

Whoever is for higher taxes, feel free to pay higher taxes.

We have brains and we have books.

When I am king, I will revise the sexual bases system so that getting to first base will include oral sex and sodomy!

People are stupid. There's a lot of dumb stuff that's successful.

We're all animals, that we all respond to the same stimuli. If you want to motivate somebody not to have premarital sex, or motivate black bears not to go diving into dumpsters, first you have to think about why they do it. Telling them to stop isn't going to help. There has to be some incentive for them to alter their behavior.

I'm not a Republican.

Speaking of sleeping bags, has anything ever had a less creative name?

I saw a commercial for the maxi pads for the bigger gals they're making now. That was a nice visual while I was eating.

I don't know that I appreciate things more because of how I grew up, but I am very realistic with what I expect out of people and what they expect out of me.

Well, the post office is probably not the place you want to go if you want to be infused with patriotism and a renewed sense of vigor.

I don't normally vote. I'm lazy and I never bought into the 'Every vote counts.'

You don't realize how much you use your credit card not even to buy things. It's a card you get so you can navigate society.

When I fart my ass makes a trumpet sound that heralds the arrival of the smell.

I think people have a strong desire to push me and others into some sort of political box that they can wrap their minds around.

I also remember it was Sunday night because that was the time I felt most depressed and vulnerable. Somehow have a moment to contemplate the miserable, low-paying week that lay ahead was more painful than living it.

I'm just a normal guy with some good solid common sense who has zero tolerance for those with zero intelligence.

I think if you create something and you get an audience for it, then the monetization part is really secondary.

Then there's the in-between, not a lipstick lesbian, not a butch dyke. I think that is what I'd be, a sweatpants lesbian.

When you're doing a radio show, you can express yourself.

If you're a guy, you have absolutely no idea what's going on at any time in the relationship, ever. Here's what you know: you know when you're getting laid, and you know when it's all over. Those are the only two things you're aware of.

There are children in Africa that go to bed without a buzz.

He doesn't sound like a guy who's done a onesome, let alone a threesome.

When you have kids, you instantly feel that you do not want to do them wrong. Those dads that go off to Florida and start a new life, I couldn't imagine that: seeing my kid once every Christmas, every three years. If I'm gone for six days it feels like too much.

All's the government should do is keep the taxes and regulations at a manageable rate, keep a decent standing army and get out of the way.

When I'm in power, here's how I'm gonna put the country back on its feet. I'm going to put sterilizing agents in the following products: Sunny Delight, Mountain Dew, and Thick-Crust Pizza. Only the 'tardiest of the 'tards like the thick crust.

It should be like a salmon taking to open water. I've done so much morning radio that I won't be overwhelmed by it, but it's still going to be a challenge.

By the way, in that same session an ad popped up that said, "Tired of masturbating?" I thought, "Nope. Try me again in about one-hundred-fifty years.

I don't like those men who claim that their wife is their best friend ... I think spouses should tolerate each other and occasionally have sex.

Until you get the family unit back together, we have no hope and we'll never dig ourselves out of this hole. No matter how great the school is, how excellent the teachers are, how many computers, field trips, or other window dressing there is, until you have intact families that give a s***, we're doomed. If you have chalk, pencils, and a roof that doesn't leak, you've got a school. Back in the day people would do stuff by candlelight on the prairie and are a f***load smarter than kids now despite all the iPads and online homework. Why? Because if they didn't read their assignment, their parents would take the ruler they were supposed to be using for that assignment and smack them with it. We don't need to keep throwing money at the problem, we need to throw parents at the problem.

Well, guys are better at mechanical stuff and women are better at emotional stuff.

I don't have any ill will or ill thought towards anybody.

You're 28, why are you going to goth clubs? Do what I do, sit at home & wait to die. You don't have to kill yourself, you're just waiting.

I see parents now at every one of my kids' events holding iPhones and iPads in front of their faces. It might be fun to look at those videos years down the road....But it;s definitely bad for the parents. Just be there in the moment, instead of missing it by trying to capture it. That's what your kid really wants They want you to be paying attention.

No one is depressed when they're being chased by a bear.

I like radio and live performing stuff. I don't like the television stuff as much.

Life is just the time between crapping yourself.