Funny Atheist Quotes

Say what you will about the sweet miracle of unquestioning faith, I consider a capacity for it terrifying and absolutely vile. ~ Kurt Vonnegut

The most heinous and the most cruel crimes of which history has record have been committed under the cover of religion or equally noble motives. ~ Mahatma Gandhi

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself. ~ Peter O'Toole

I like making fun of myself a lot. I like being made fun of, too. I've always enjoyed it. There's just something really, really funny about someone tearing into me. ~ John Mulaney

Being an atheist means you have to realise that when you die, that really is it. You've got to make the most of what you've got here and spread as much influence as you can. I believe that you only live through the influence that you spread, whether that means having a kid or making music.
... I don't believe in heaven or hell, I don't really believe in that version. ~ Matthew Bellamy

We could talk, act, and dress funny. We were excused for socially inappropriate behavior: 'Oh, he's a programmer'. It was all because we knew this technology stuff that other people found completely mystifying. ~ Kent Beck

Isn't it funny? You forgive people before they ask forgiveness. Later they expect your apologize. ~ M.F. Moonzajer

Now how do I access Google?"
Was he serious? "Why do you need Google?"
"When don't you need Google?"
He was serious. "How about when you have a powerful, multimillion dollar government interface linked to numerous intelligence agencies across the globe right in front of you."
Dex squinted at him, his lips pursed thoughtfully. "So… is that a no on Google?"
"Are you on medication? ~ Charlie Cochet

People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same. Look for something you'll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow. ~ Erma Bombeck

I'm pretty open to all music. Its pretty funny because I've spent time in Germany and now I'm in Dallas where Country is a big thing. I used to hate it but now I can actually go through a song. ~ Steve Purdy

Gaylord Perry and Willie McCovey should know each other like a book. They've been ex-teammates for years now. ~ Jerry Coleman

If the picture is not an artistic picture, it's show, like television. Television series are very funny, but it's a collective production. An industrial art. A car is not made by a person, it's made by a group of creators, only to go to the market to buy your cigarettes. That is a car - they are not a big art, they are a little art. ~ Alejandro Jodorowsky

And it was kind of funny to see all these professional fighters unwilling to get within a mile of the female. Then again, if you wanted to survive doing the work they did, accurate risk assessment was something you developed early
and even Qhuinn, who was the object of the protective instinct the Chosen was rocking, wouldn't have dared touch her. ~ J.R. Ward

The token gay character is always so funny and so fantastic. That's happened a lot. Or they're often purely victims. ~ Ezra Miller

And so really, you have given me no choice but to take you shopping by
force." She sighed, then reached up, dropping her sunglasses down from
their perch on her head to cover her eyes. "Do you even realize how happy
the average teenage girl would be in your shoes? I have a credit card. We're
at the mall. I want to buy you things. It's like adolescent nirvana."
- Cora ~ Sarah Dessen

The kidney was removed with great skill. We have an image of the kidney taken from that broadcast. Viewers are advised that the following image is quite graphic, and-"
"I am getting so sick of looking at this kidney," I said.
"It's a farce," Jazza replied. "They act like they're shocked and horrified, and then they show it off twenty times a day."
"Have you seen the singing kidney video?" I asked.
"Ugh. No."
"It's really funny. You should watch it. ~ Maureen Johnson

Ian's eyes settled on him, his expression grim. He bypassed everything, coming to a stop in front of the nervous young male. "I want all of your medicines to relieve fever, including liquids and capsules. Plus, I want a thermometer, the best one you have, and make sure it's not rectal." He narrowed his eyes at the wide-eyed clerk in front of him. "I don't do rectal, and I won't use anything that involves an ass. ~ Rose Wynters

If you're doing nonsense it has to be rather awful, because there'd be no point. I'm trying to think if there's sunny nonsense. Sunny, funny nonsense for children - oh, how boring, boring, boring. As Schubert said, there is no happy music. And that's true, there really isn't. And there's probably no happy nonsense, either. ~ Edward Gorey

I used to believe in God. The Christian one, that is (There are a few thousand to choose from. But I was born in a country where the dominant religion was Christianity so I believed in that one. Isn't it weird how that always happens?). Luckily I was also interested in science and nature. And reason and logic. And honesty and truth. And equality and fairness. By the age of eight I was an atheist. ~ Ricky Gervais

I wish there were jokes in the cat world," Buddy sighed. "Want to try to one? Let's think of a prank we can pull on the boys. ~ Gretchen Preston

Marriage is nature's way of ensuring that a woman picks up some mothering experience before she has her first child. ~ Robert Breault

Perhaps God chose me to be an atheist? ~ Bill Vaughan

Biggest dream?" I was proud of this one because I knew it would stump him. It required forethought.
"Kiss you."
"That's not funny," I said, holding his eyes, grateful I didn't stutter.
"No, but it made you blush. ~ Becca Fitzpatrick

Uh ... ," Ivy stammered, and I glanced up to see her eyes wide in consideration.
"I'm kidding," I said. "It passed the lethal-amulet test, remember?"
"Not that. You keep it in your underwear drawer?"
I hesitated, wondering why I was embarrassed. "Well, where do you put your elven magic?" I asked. ~ Kim Harrison

There's a lot of very funny people I'd love to work with that I've never met, of course. I love Steve Martin and Jim Carrey. ~ Dick Van Dyke

Funny term of disparagement, to call a woman a bitch. A bitch like you, Betsy, is worth nearly all the women I've met put together. ~ Agatha Christie

Can you sharpen this for me, please?"

Logan leaned across the table and took the pencil from him. "You want me to play with your pencil, Tate?"

"Hilarious. The sharpener is right by you. You just have to pick it up and slide it in."

As soon as the words left his mouth and Logan's quirked into an arrogant line, Tate bit his tongue.

"Really? Did you really just say that to me?"

Feeling more comfortable than ever with Logan and this group, Tate shrugged and nodded. Time to give it to Logan as good as he gives.

"Yeah. Is there a problem? You just line it up...and slide it in."

"You know, Tate - "

"Don't do it." Tate cut him off as he moved his foot, the one he'd had sitting between Logan's feet all night, so his shin bumped Logan's calf.

"Do what?"

"Say something dirty. I know you're dying to, but just sharpen the pencil."

Logan picked up the sharpener and made a big show of inserting the tip in the hole.

"Jesus," Shelly muttered from beside Logan. "I thought Rachel and Cole were bad. ~ Ella Frank

Oh, God, if I'm anything by a clinical name, I'm a kind of paranoiac in reverse. I think people are plotting to make me happy. ~ J.D. Salinger

You're not the butcher, selling sausages. You're the cow, pre-sausage. ~ Oliver Markus Malloy

I detest what you write, but I would give my life to make it possible for you to continue to write. ~ Voltaire

An expert is someone called in at the last minute to share the blame. ~ Sam Ewing

Your welcome means more to me, Ivy Alisha Tamwood, than a thousand souls. Watching Rachel work is a wonder of one catastrophe after another. ~ Kim Harrison

The advantage of growing up with siblings is that you become very good at fractions. ~ Robert Brault

Did you want to change into something more comfortable?" Adrian asks with a raise in his eyebrows, breaking me out of my train of thought, but not away from naughty thoughts.

I smack his knee. "I'm comfortable, but I know you're not." He doesn't mind dressing up, but on most days I see him in casual clothes like screen-printed tees and hoodies.

"You're right," he says, tapping my knee lightly, standing up. As he walks toward the hallway, he slips his shirt off the rest of the way. I can't look away from the sight, even if it is only from the back. Damn. What is happening to me? Have I gone mad?

Before I can tear my eyes away from him, he turns around. Judging by the look in his eyes, I've been caught. I have so been caught. Damn again. I didn't want him to see me practically drooling. It's too late for that now.

He smirks. "You know, I could spend the rest of the night just like this." He places a hand to the hard muscles of his chest.

I clear my throat, trying really hard not to imagine my hand in place of his, and say, "If I'm wearing clothes, you're wearing clothes."

"So if I'm not wearing clothes..." I grab a coaster from the coffee table and fling it at him. He catches it in his hand. "Just remember, all you have to do is say otherwise. ~ Lilly Avalon

There's more evil in the charts than an Al-Qaeda suggestion box. ~ Bill Bailey