Funny Basketball Quotes

Many Americans follow pro basketball from November through June, for reasons that I found unexplainable, other than the fact that they were overly fascinated with soaring armpits. ~ Dan Jenkins

After Michael Jordan had scored a play-off record 69 points - I'll always remember this as the night Michael and I combined to score 70 points. ~ Stacey King

On his telepathic understanding with James Worthy- It's almost like we have ESPN. ~ Magic Johnson

There are some remarkable parallels between basketball and politics. Michael Jordan has already mastered the skill most needed for political success: how to stay aloft without visible means of support. ~ Margaret Thatcher

Our offense is like the pythagorean theorem: There is no answer! ~ Shaquille O'Neal

I only know how to play two ways: reckless and abandon. ~ Magic Johnson

You'd got a baseball game, or a football game, basketball game, "USA! USA! USA!" Hey, calm down! Got a little German on it, don't you think? ~ Chris Rock

People think I'm into sports because I'm a man. But I'm not into sports. I like Gatorade, but that's about as far as it goes. By the way, you don't have to be sweaty and play basketball to enjoy Gatorade. You can just be a thirsty dude. Gatorade forgets about this demographic! ~ Mitch Hedberg

Part of the charm of basketball lies in the fact that it's a simple game to understand. Players race up and down a fairly small area indoors and stuff the ball into a ring with Madonna's dress hanging on it. ~ Dan Jenkins

I hate it. It looks like a stickup at 7-Eleven. Five guys standing there with their hands in the air. ~ Norm Sloan

We're just playing basketball. It's not like we're going out to have unprotected sex with Magic. ~ Charles Barkley

On how to make the game more exciting - Eliminate the referees, raise the basket four feet, double the size of the basketball, limit the height of the players to 5 feet 9 inches, bring back the centre jump, allow taxi drivers in for free and allow the players to carry guns. ~ Al McGuire

But you have to understand, my beard is so nasty. I mean, it's the only beard in the history of Western civilization that makes Bob Dylan's beard look good. ~ Bill Walton

If cocaine were helium, the NBA would float away. ~ Art Rust, Jr.

It is necessary to any originality to have the courage to be an amateur. ~ Wallace Stevens

Going into a game against Lew Alcindor [later Kareem Abdul-Jabbar] is like going into a knife fight and finding there's no blade in your handle. ~ Bill Fitch

Do your work, but do your thing. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

On the seemingly one-sided relationship between Michael Jordan and his shoe sponsors Nike- The company should change its name to Mike. ~ Alvin Robertson

Tracy McGrady is doing things we've never seen from anybody - from any planet! ~ Bill Walton

We might make a lot of money but, we also spend a lot of money. ~ Patrick Ewing

When I dunk, I put something on it. I want the ball to hit the floor before I do. ~ Darryl Dawkins

The way my team are doing, we could get Wilt Chamberlain in a trade and find out that he's really two midgets Scotch-taped together. ~ Gene Shue

I thought LeBron James was just going to be another addition to help me score ~ Ricky Davis

Mick Jagger is in better shape than far too many NBA players. It's up in the air whether the same can be said of Keith Richards. ~ Bill Walton

We told Stanley Roberts to go on a water diet, and Lake Superior disappeared. Pat Williams When Xavier McDaniel plays against Orlando Wooldridge, it's a coach's dream - X vs O. ~ Mychal Thompson

When a work appears to be ahead of its time, it is only the time that is behind the work. ~ Jean Cocteau

What is so fascinating about sitting around watching a bunch of pituitary cases stuff a ball through a hoop? ~ Woody Allen

I'm in favour of drug tests, just so long as they are multiple choice. ~ Kurt Rambis

Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject. ~ Shelby Metcalf

I try to penetrate the lane like Steve Nash, pass like Jason Kidd, and handle the ball like Allen Iverson. Remember, I said 'try to'. ~ Chris Paul

I haven't been able to slam-dunk the basketball for the past five years. Or, for the thirty-eight years before that, either. ~ Dave Barry

Winning is like deodorant - it comes up and a lot of things don't stink. ~ Doc Rivers

Magic Johnson is the best player who plays on the ground, and Michael Jordan is the best player who plays in the air. ~ John Paxson

Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer. ~ Rita Rudner

Why don't they allow professional wrestling at the Olympics? They allow pro basketball players and hockey players. Olympic pro wrestling would be awesome. The team from Mexico could wear those Mr. X masks. The French wrestler could hit his opponent with a baguette. Or perhaps just surrender. ~ Craig Ferguson

On the best tactic when playing alongside Kareem Abdul-Jabbar- Just give him the ball. ~ Magic Johnson

If you can walk with your head in the clouds and keep your feet on the ground, you can make a million dollars in the NBA. ~ Gary Dornhoefer

What you do when you git mad? she ast.

I think. I can't even remember the last time I felt mad, I say. I used to git mad at my mammy cause she put a lot of work on me. Then I see how sick she is. Couldn't stay mad at her. Couldn't be mad at my daddy cause he my daddy. Bible say, Honor father and mother no matter what. Then after awhile every time I got mad, or start to feel mad, I got sick. Felt like throwing up. Terrible feeling. Then I start to feel nothing at all.

Sofia frown. Nothing at all?

Well, sometime Mr. - - git on me pretty hard. I have to talk to Old Maker. But he my husband. I shrug my shoulders. This life soon be over, I say. Heaven last all ways.

You ought to bash Mr. - - head open, she say. Think about heaven later.

Not much funny to me. That funny. I laugh. She laugh. Then us both laugh . . . ~ Alice Walker

Covering politics like sports has created a self-reinforcing incentive structure that is not dissimilar to the one the ESPN'S SportsCenter has on the fundamentals of basketball. There is a long-running concern from basketball purists that the fundamentals of the game – passing, defense, and footwork – are eroding. The theory goes that players want to be like the stars they see on SportsCenter. You don't get on SportsCenter by doing the nitty-gritty work of winning basketball games. The more extreme the play, the more dramatic the showboating and celebrating, the more likely to be a feature in a coveted highlight segment. The reward system benefits the opposite behavior most basketball coaches would like to see in their players. This is the SportsCenter effect. ~ Dan Pfeiffer

What else? She is so beautiful. You don't get tired of looking at her. You never worry if she is smarter than you: You know she is. She is funny without ever being mean. I love her. I am so lucky to love her, Van Houten. You don't get to choose if you get hurt in this world, old man, but you do have some say in who hurts you. I like my choices. I hope she likes hers. ~ John Green

Music and comedy are so linked. The rhythm of comedy is con­nected to the rhythm of music. They're both about creating tension and knowing when to let it go. I'm always surprised when somebody funny is not musical. ~ Conan O'Brien

The funny thing is musicians often love to go to see visual art because you've got all these pictures to turn into metaphors. ~ Dar Williams

I'm here to shine a bright light. I'm not here to be a guy of death. I just like 'KD' better. ~ Kevin Durant

I'd given him bits and pieces of my peculiar life, but colored softer and funnier than they had been. I'd painted my dad as Don Quixote in a semi, on a quest for philosophical truths and the best cup of coffee in the nation. ~ Laurie Halse Anderson

Somehow she had climbed halfway up his body before he managed to grasp her waist. He plucked her off and set her on her feet.
She started to climb up his body again.
"Are you having fun?" he asked suspiciously.
"We're on the fucking moon!" she shouted. "There's nothing here!"
He stared at her. "I don't think you're having fun."
"No air!"
He shook his head. "Think about that logically. Could you have possibly said those words if there truly was no air? Of course
there's no air or atmosphere outside this bubble - "
"Ofcoursethere'snofuckingairhereorfuckingatmosphereonthefuckinggoddamnMOONyouGODDAMNFUCKINGCRAZYMORONICDJINN ... "
"Grace," he roared in her face. ~ Thea Harrison

I swear by my life and my love of it that I will never live for the sake of another man, nor ask another man to live for mine. ~ Ayn Rand

Some things in life are certain; death, taxes, and that your family will piss you off. ~ Melanie Finn

To live as one likes is plebian the noble man aspires to order and law. ~ Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe

Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television. ~ David Letterman

It's funny. We meet hundreds of people. We stop to remember them sometimes and they're so far away and we're not a part of them anymore. Makes you realise how important it is to be a part of someone. And stay that way with them. And we have visions of going out into the open world and treating it as our oyster... but it takes a small, mindful moment to make us realise that doesn't really mean anything when you don't have someone to call home. ~ C. JoyBell C.

Most often when I stammer
That's my brain
Correcting my grammer. ~ Joyce Rachelle

Going in, you want to play a perfect season and play throughout the whole entire season, but injuries are a part of basketball. ~ Kyrie Irving

Oh come on,'Pheobe continued. 'You're asking for it. Pale skin, black clothes, no lunch and that whole brooding thing? It's hilarious. You should get body glitter and go after an unsuspecting freshman.'
'You should!' Cassidy agreed. 'Tell her you're a dangerous monster. And mention how good her blood smells.'
'Wrong time of the month on that one, and I'm getting slapped,' I muttered, and everyone laughed. ~ Robyn Schneider

So Jason, in England, do you eat these 'Farmer burgers?'" Wong Tong asked.
"Farmer burgers? I don't know what they are?"
"Maybe I have the name wrong. I remember the name from the song," Wong Tong explained.
"What song?" Jason asked.
"You know the 'E, I, E, I, O' song."
'E, I, E, I, O' song?
Jason started to roar with laughter. He tried to speak but was laughing, much to the annoyance of Wong Tong. He held his chest, laughing still hurt his ribs.
"You mean the 'Old Macdonald had a farm' song. You mean Macdonald's burgers," he said, laughing. "Yes, I have had them. They're good. ~ Mark A. Cooper

Every child that receives life advice should keep in mind that in every parent's past, there's leftover booze and contraceptives. ~ Bauvard

Clinton cannot possibly win in 2000. ~ Dan Quayle

Thats the danger of democracy: If organizations can develop, if people are no longer just glued to the tube, you may have all these funny thoughts arising in their heads, like sickly inhibitions against the use of military force. That has to be overcome, but it hasn't been overcome. ~ Noam Chomsky

I'm more like a senior adviser so I don't like to come in here and try to take over. Just like your basic karate movie where the young guys come to the old guys with beards who have them do weird stuff to get to the other side. That's who I am, the old guy with a long beard. ~ Shaquille O'Neal

...you can't eat a grub, man. You'd be depriving that young moth of its life goal of bashing into a lightbulb all night. ~ Cutter Nick

I want people to follow their dreams, yes ... but I'm not interested in telling young black kids how to be rappers ... I want to show them that there's so many other paths you can take, besides a rapper or basketball player. ~ J. Cole

Data is your Beta... ~ Kshitij Bhatia

An actual date with a boy. This is possibly, definitely the number one best thing that's ever happened to me. And I have no chill about it. None whatsoever. ~ Becky Albertalli

Each time I step on the basketball court, I never know what will happen. I live for the moment. I play for the moment. ~ Michael Jordan

I don't have a set working style. Some lyrics come really slow, others come in 10 minutes while I'm watching basketball. They're always a surprise to me. ~ Travis Morrison

No good at life, but very funny sometimes with the commentary. ~ Kurt Vonnegut

I think sometimes in comedy the characters are often sacrificed for the joke, and it's more important for it to be funny than for there to be love. ~ Jenny Slate

A large proportion of mankind, like pigeons and partridges, on reaching maturity, having passed through a period of playfulness or promiscuity, establish what they hope and expect will be a permanent and fertile mating relationship. This we call marriage. ~ C.D. Darlington

She was a hunchback with a sweet smile. She smiled sweetly at anything; she couldn't help it; the trees, me, the grass, anything. The basket pulled her down, dragging her toward the ground. She was such a tiny woman, with a hurt face, as if slapped forever. She wore a funny old hat, an absurd hat, a maddening hat, a hat to make me cry, a hat with faded red berries on the brim. And there she was, smiling at everything, struggling across the carpet with a heavy basket containing Lord knew what, wearing a plumed hat with red berries.

I got up. It was so mysterious. There I was, like magic, standing up, my two feet on the ground, my eyes drenched.

I said, "Let me help."

She smiled again and gave me the basket. We began to walk. She led the way. Beyond the trees it was stifling. And she smiled. It was so sweet it nearly tore my head off. She talked, she told me things I never remembered. It didn't matter. In a« dream she held me, in a dream I followed under the blinding sun. For blocks we went forward. I hoped it would never end. Always she talked in a low voice made of human music. What words! What she said! I remembered nothing. I was only happy. But in my heart I was dying. It should have been so. We stepped from so many curbs, I wondered why she did not sit upon one and hold my head while I drifted away. It was the chance that never came again.

That old woman with the bent back! Old woman, I feel so joyfully your pain. Ask me a favor ~ John Fante

His name feels like a secret, and now he's wearing it on his wrist. I want to know all about this girl who put it there. What she looks like. If she's got freckles, fair hair or dark, like his. If she's scrappy or etheral, funny or serious, scrape-kneed or ladylike. I know that she loves him, so I want to know everything else. But West doesn't want to share her with me. I shouldn't keep trying to scale these walls he puts up. I'm a terrible climber. ~ Robin York

I remember nearly having a fit of the giggles during the reading because dear Daniel was SO respectful and serious and I was finding the whole situation funny because I was speaking to his profile. ~ Madeleine Stowe