Dieting Funny Quotes

Albert Einstein, who discovered that a tiny amount of mass is equal to a huge amount of energy, which explains why, as Einstein himself so eloquently put it in a famous 1939 speech to the Physics Department at Princeton, 'You have to exercise for a week to work off the thigh fat from a single Snickers.' ~ Dave Barry

I recalled my encounter with the sea goddess Ran, who had described her husband as a hipster who liked microbrewing. At the time, the description had been too weird to comprehend. Afterward, it had seemed funny. Now it seemed a little too real, because I was pretty sure the hipster god in question was standing right in front of me. ~ Rick Riordan

The fans of 'The Hunger Games,' of the book, are very passionate. It's funny: Even at my concerts there are people holding up 'Cinna' signs. ~ Lenny Kravitz

My negotiation skills are are on par with George Bush's reading ability. And just like Dubya, every time I've tried to put forth an effort, I am reminded that my only true strength lies in drinking. ~ Chelsea Handler

It's funny when people say something is "unreal" about something that is, in reality, real. I'm so guilty of it, it's real! ~ Ethan Luck

Inconceivable!"
"You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. ~ William Goldman

I can't go to Amsterdam. One of my doctors thinks it's a bad idea."
He was quiet for a second. "God," he said. "I should've just paid for it myself. Should've just taken you straight from the Funky Bones to Amsterdam."
"But then I would've had a probably fatal episode of deoxygenation in Amsterdam, and my body would have been shipped home in the cargo hold of an airplane," I said.
"Well, yeah," he said. "But before that, my grand romantic gesture would have totally gotten me laid."
I laughed pretty hard, hard enought that I felt where the chest tube had been.
"You laugh because it's true," he said.
I laughed again.
"It's true, isn't it!"
"Probably not," I said, and then after a moment added, "although you never know. ~ John Green

Kristin Bauer is so funny. Half the time I'm working with her I'm just trying to keep a straight face. ~ Rutina Wesley

It's funny,' I noted in the diary, 'how often I seem to build a story around one sentence, nearly always the last one, too. The themes are a bit depressing but I just can't get rid of that. ~ Daphne Du Maurier

His head went back, on the stroke up, again. When he finally looked back at her hands still on him, and his cock all neatly wrapped, his words came out gravelly, and wondering.
"What a strange notion."
"You won't miss too much of the sensation. It's really not that bad."
His mouth quirked up at the corner.
"Why would I miss any sensation? The whole of our bodies are going to be touching. Are you going to encase the rest of me in a stocking?"
Laughter, again. It felt good, so good.
"I guess not - now get down here and fuck me. ~ Charlotte Stein

I know this music from memory, not from the music. ~ Eugene Ormandy

When I was younger I wanted to be a big movie star who'd get to be funny on talk shows and then I wanted to retire and write science fiction. ~ Scott Thompson

Nine-tenths of the people were created so you would want to be with the other tenth. ~ Horace Walpole

Maybe a friend is someone who wants your updates. Even if they're boring. Or sad. Or annoyingly cutesy. A friend says "Sign me up for your boring crap, yes indeed"
because he likes you anyways. He'll tolerate your junk ~ E. Lockhart

I had written eight drafts of the Lemony Snicket' screenplay when this changing-of-the-guard thing happened, and I said to the new producers, "I don't think I could write any more drafts." I guess I was sort of hoping they would say, "Well that's okay, this last one is perfect." But instead, they said, "It's funny you should say that. We don't think you can write any more drafts either." ~ Daniel Handler

The roughest part of that lifestyle is the travel and early mornings. ~ Josie Maran

She goes to Frederick's of Hollywood at the mall and purchases an explicit lingerie outfit so sheer that you could read an appliance warranty through it in an unlit closet. ~ Dave Barry

It's funny because the perception is that the typical 'X Factor' contestant is the person who's just working 9 to 5 and just decides to one day go and audition. So yeah, for me, it was a very different story. ~ Fleur East

Where do you even start with Cinderella? Let's ignore Cinderella's victim status and total lack of self-determination and head straight for the prince who was, let's face it, a bit of a jerk. Despite being captivated by Cinderella's radiant beauty for half the night, come the cold light of day he has completely forgotten what she looks like and only has her shoe size to go on. Either he was suffering from some sort of early onset Alzheimer's disease or else he was completely off his face during the big ball. the end result is that he goes trawling through the kingdom in some sort of perverted foot-fetish style quest for someone, anyone, who fits the glass slipper. Just how superficial is this guy? What if Cinderella had turned up at the ball looking exactly like she did only with a mole on her face and that had a couple of twelve-centimetre hairs sticking out of it? What if a bearded troll just happened to have the same shoe size as Cinderella? 'Ah, well. Pucker up, bushy cheeks, it's snog time.' And no one ever bothers to question the sheer impracticality of Cinderella's footwear. Glass might be good for many things but it's not exactly malleable in its cooled state. If everyone turned and gaped when Cinderella made her big entrance into the ball, it's only because she'd have come staggering in like a drunken giraffe on rollerblades. Bit of a head turner. ~ John Larkin

A chap wouldn't hole up in Occupied France just to get away from his wife, Vesta. ~ Sara Sheridan

They're worth so much more after I'm a goner and maybe then you'll hear the words i been singing. Funny when you're dead how people start listening ~ The Band Perrry

I liked Lady Gaga's meat dress. It was funny. ~ Alejandro Jodorowsky

Anyway, this girl... she's the love of my life. She's smart and funny and unbelievably compassionate. She forgives people even when they don't deserve it. She-"
"Good lay?" Pace interrupts.
"Oh yeah. The best. ~ Elle Kennedy

There's this funny thing with pilots that you have to sign the contract to do the whole job before you're even offered the part. And they make about a million pilots a year, but hardly any of them get turned into series. ~ Eve Best

I was raised by just my mom. See, my father died when I was eight years old. At least, that's what he told us in the letter.. ~ Drew Carey

I know when I was a kid I ate a beetle. I ate a beetle because I thought it was licorice. ~ Karl Pilkington

Your ... Your aura. It's ... amazing. It's shining. I mean, it always shines, but today ... Well I've never seen anything like it. I didn't expect that after everything that happened.'
I shifted around uncomfortably. If I lit up around Dimitri normally, what on earth happened to my aura post-sex? ~ Richelle Mead

My father taught me a good lesson: Don't get to low when things go wrong. And don't get too high when things are good. ~ Robert Parish

You're not the butcher, selling sausages. You're the cow, pre-sausage. ~ Oliver Markus Malloy

I surround myself with all eight throw pillows while hugging two. "What is so bad and uninteresting about me, Alex? Peter was the fifth break up–
"–Sixth–"
"–Sixth break up in the last two years. And I'm always the dumpee. Are my conversations that boring that no man wants to stay?"
"Sandra, with this topic, yes. But usually, no. ~ Ambrosea Brown

There is still a funny notion that women should not write violent fiction. ~ Val McDermid

Spensa, I hear no more footfalls. Have you temporary stopped being bipedal? ~ Brandon Sanderson

It's great if you're funny or if you can dance, but if you are kind and decent, it comes out your pores. ~ Yvette Nicole Brown

I rolled my eyes. "I feel like a zoo animal."

Travis watched me for a moment, noted those staring, and then stood up. "I CAN'T!" he yelled. I stared in awe as the entire room jerked their heads in his direction. Travis bobbed his head a couple of times to a beat in his head.

Shepley closed his eyes. "Oh, no."

Travis smiled. "get no….sa…tis…faction," he sang, "I can't get no….sat-is-fac-tion. 'Cuz I've tried…and I've tried…and I've tried…and I've tried…," he climbed onto the table as everyone stared, "I CAN'T GET NO!"

He pointed to the football players at the end of the table and they smiled, "I CAN'T GET NO!" they yelled in unison. The whole room clapped to the beat, then.

Travis' sang into his fist, "When I'm drivin' in my car, and a man comes on the…ra-di-o…he's tellin' me more and more…about some useless in-for-ma-tion! Supposed to fire my im-agin-a-tion! I CAN'T GET NO! ~ Jamie McGuire

Oh, god ... " I whimper. "I haven't done anything yet, baby," Colton growls. "I know," I pant. "I was just saying your name. ~ Jasinda Wilder

It's funny when someone says to you 'you're hot' and all that, because I don't think of it in that way. ~ Kate Winslet

Bastian looked at the book.
'I wonder,' he said to himself, 'what's in a book while it's closed. Oh, I know it's full of letters printed on paper, but all the same, something must be happening, because as soon as I open it, there's a whole story with people I don't know yet and all kinds of adventures, deeds and battles. And sometimes there are storms at sea, or it takes you to strange cities and countries. All those things are somehow shut in a book. Of course you have to read it to find out. But it's already there, that's the funny thing. I just wish I knew how it could be.'
Suddenly an almost festive mood came over him.
He settled himself down, picked up the book, opened it to the first page, and began to read ... ~ Michael Ende

It's funny, Lorraine said now, as the scene appeared in front of them. You always wonder about your funeral. How big? Who'll show up? In the end it's meaningless. You realize, once you die, that a funeral as for everyone else,not you. ~ Mitch Albom

For a moment, imagine the person you hope to marry. What do they look like? Are they funny, intelligent, kind? How do you hope they are living their life right now? Would it bother you if you knew they were hooking up each weekend or had five, ten, or fifteen different partners over the past several years? Or would it make you smile if you knew they were holding out for you? Why not live your life as you would want them to live theirs? Wait for the relationship. ~ Sean Covey

He thought about the difference between good times and bad times, and how funny it was that he could not state the difference, only feel it. ~ Tim O'Brien