Bonus Funny Quotes

Shirogane: "This is a brand-new show called 'Naze? Naze? Neeze!' " I'm Shirogane, the teacher of course.♥" " We're covering Arithmethic!" "Here we have Akira-kun and Kengo-kun, who will tackle the questions with us!"
Kengo: "Hello there!" ^_^
Akira: "I'm a high school student, by the way!" "Why do I have to do arithmethic?!"
Shirogane: "And here's my assistant, kokuchi!"
Kokuchi: "HISS!"
Akira: "HEY! I don't get why a kokuchi is here...Besides, does it even remotely understand our language."
Shirogane:"Here's the first question" "Akira-kun, what's three times four?"
Akira: "Twelve..."
Shirogane: "CORRECT!!!" "Wonderful Akira-kun! Fantastic Job!" "You're so smart. Can I call you genius from now on?"
Akira: "Only if you want a pencil shoved in your eye!" "Stop making fun of me right now!"
Shirogane: "Let's move on to the next question.♥
(Shirogane spinning)
Akira: "Why are you so hyper today?" "You're acting like a different person!"
Shirogane: "Kengo-kun what is 23 minus 15?"
Kengo: "Twe--"
Shirogane: "WRONG." " If you can't solve a simple problem like this, you don't even deserve to be considered human. You'd be better off dead. SO JUST DIE."
Kengo: "I made a small mistake! No need to walk all over me like that!!"
Shirogane: "Let me explain this problem so that stupid Kengo-kun can understand."
Kengo: "I...I am not stupid!"
Shirogane: "First, you have 23 kokuchi..." "...You take 15 ~ Kairi Sorano

Canadian pride may not rest on our sleeves, but it resides deeply in our hearts. ~ Steve Miller

People of age object too much, consult too long, adventure too little, repent too soon and seldom drive business home to it's conclusion, but content themselves with a mediocrity of success. ~ Francis Bacon

I'd always thought that my awkwardness was a thin veil disguising the real me. The me that was funny and could write songs that touched people. The me that would one day find some beautiful, intelligent boy who'd recognize me as his soul mate. The me who was secretly pretty and stylish if only someone would lift the veil and see. But I was beginning to suspect that underneath the awkwardness there was just more awkwardness and not much else. And that would explain why I stood in a room full of people and felt like the loneliest girl in the world. ~ Sarra Manning

Here's why I will be a good person. Because I listen. I cannot speak, so I listen very well. I never interrupt, I never deflect the course of the conversation with a comment of my own. People, if you pay attention to them, change the direction of one another's conversations constantly. It's like having a passenger in your car who suddenly grabs the steering wheel and turns you down a side street. For instance, if we met a party and I wanted to tell you a story about the time I needed to get a soccer ball in my neighbor's yard but his dog chased me and I had to jump into a swimming pool to escape, and I began telling the story , you, upon hearing the words 'soccer' and 'neighbor' in the same sentence, might interrupt and mention that your childhood neighbor was Pele, the famous soccer player, and I might be courteous and say, Didn't he play for the Cosmos of New York? Did you grow up in New York? And you might reply that no, you grew up in Brazil on the streets of Tres Coracoes with Pele and I might say, I thought you were from Tennessee, and you might say, not originally, and then go on to outline your genealogy at length. So my initial conversational gambit - that I had a funny story about being chased by my neighbor's dog - would be totally lost, and only because you had to tell me all about Pele. Learn to listen! I beg of you. Pretend you are a dog like me and listen to other people rather than steal their stories. ~ Garth Stein

The fool has said in his heart: pass me another Everlasting God-Stopper, please. ~ M.J. McGuire

I asked of Echo 't other day (Whose words are few and often funny), What to a novice she could say Of courtship, love, and matrimony. Quoth Echo, plainly, Matter-o'-money. ~ John Godfrey Saxe

Before the first atomic bomb test, scientists took the time to calculate whether the blast would ignite the nitrogen in Earth's atmosphere and incinerate us all. The risk was low and the test went off, but Rees wonders what the odds would have had to be to discourage the bomb makers. ~ Dennis Overbye

No, I don't want you to leave. I'm just grabbing your coat and nudging your toward the door for fun #AHOLE ~ A.O. Storm

Three blind mice walk into a pub. But they are all unaware of their surroundings, so to derive humour from it would be exploitative. ~ Bill Bailey

Ethan's jaw dropped. Again he had underestimated her. Abruptly, he fought down a smile. "I don't know whether to kiss you or arrest you."
She smiled up at him and again Ethan thought her lips were entirely too close to his.
"You should kiss me," she said, stunning him even more. "I guarantee it will be a lot more pleasant than arresting me ... for both of us. ~ Kathryn Loch

I once had a problem ... so I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem - who to thank. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

If you have a penis and a job, being handsome is a fantastic bonus but hardly a necessity. ~ Carrie Fisher

I wish the first word I ever said was the word quote, so right before I die I could say unquote. ~ Steven Wright

If you don't know Tom Lehrer, you should - in addition to being a classical pianist, mathematician, songwriter, satirist, researcher at Los Alamos and, he claims, inventor of the Jell-O shot, he is just delightfully funny and graceful. ~ Rachel Sklar

It is a sign of immaturity to believe that being older than someone (automatically) makes you more (mentally) mature than them. ~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend. ~ Groucho Marx

I worried about playing God (in the movie Oh God). We're about the same age, but we grew up in different neighborhoods. ~ George Burns

One fall day in Boston, a tall mechanical engineering student named Joe entered the student union at Harvard University. He was all ambition and acne ~ Dan Ariely

... sentiments which Feliks had already come to recognise as being characteristic of The Times, which would have described the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse as strong rulers who could do nothing but good for the stability of the international situation. ~ Ken Follett

Many trees were pulled out of the ground with their roots crying for water."
The lake was all polluted with thick layers of grease,the grass & flowers were squashed, animals walked around. #kidsbooks "Mikolay & Julia"
Total elocological destruction,said Mikolay trying to use one of the funny long words Julia was always using.
These are not monsters Farina.These are people and building machines. ~ Magda M. Olchawska

I just happen to be a sucker for humor. So anywhere I can sneak in something that I find potentially interesting or funny I do it as much as I can get away with. ~ Johnny Depp

You should bring something into the world that wasn't in the world before. It doesn't matter what that is. It doesn't matter if it's a table or a film or gardening - everyone should create. You should do something, then sit back and say, I did that. ~ Ricky Gervais

I stand by all the misstatements that I've made. ~ Dan Quayle

Secrets. Funny how, when you're about to be given something precious, something you've wanted for a long time, you suddenly feel nervous over taking it.
Everyone wants more than anything to be allowed into someone else's most secret self. Everyone wants to allow someone into their most secret self. Everyone feels so alone inside that their deepest wish is for someone to know their secret being, because then they are alone no longer. Don't we all long for this? Yet when it's offered it's frightening, because you might not live up to the desires of the one who bestows the gift. And frightening because you know that accepting such a gift means you'll want-perhaps be expected- to offer a similar gift in return. Which means giving your *self* away. And what's more frightening than that? ~ Aidan Chambers

Heavy Metal fans are buying Heavy Metal records, taking the records home, listening to the records and then blowing their heads off with shotguns? Where's the problem? That's an unemployment solution right there, folks! It's called natural selection. ~ Denis Leary

I have nothing to declare but my genius, and this four-kilo bag of cocaine. ~ Oscar Wilde

I don't consider myself, you know, in real life one of those funny guys. My comedy comes through my work, ~ Eugene Levy

Serena had to cross her legs: in moments of dire amusement her bladder tended to play tricks. ~ A.P.

I have really fond memories of growing up in Chicago, and I always love going back. I still have a lot of really good friends from high school that I go to dinner with. It's kind of become a tradition when I go out there to do a show to give a few friends a call, tell some funny stories about high school and walk down memory lane. ~ Kaskade

It's funny, because even though they're rattling on about the Games, it's all about where they were or what they were doing or how they felt when a specific event occurred ... Everything is about them, not the dying boys and girls in the arena ~ Suzanne Collins

I know it's technically goodwill to all men, but in my mind, I drop the men because that feels segregationist/elitist/sexist/generally bad ist.
Goodwill shouldn't be just for men. It should also apply to women and children, and all animals, even the yucky ones like subway rats. I'd even
extend the goodwill not just to living creatures but to the dearly departed, and if we include them, we might as well include the undead, those
supposedly mythic beings like vampires, and if they're in, then so are elves, fairies, and gnomes. Heck, since we're already being so generous in our
big group hug, why not also embrace those supposedly inanimate objects like dolls and stu ~ Rachel Cohn

Yesterday Michael Phelps set an all-time Olympic record for most medals. Phelps has so much gold on his chest he's been asked to join the cast of 'Jersey Shore.' ~ Conan O'Brien