Women Humor Quotes

Women respond to comfort and a sense of humor. I was always able to make them laugh, so that helps a lot. ~ Peter Dinklage

He's always overly dressed which makes him look stiff – like he wants to do taxes, not women. ~ Jonas Eriksson

Woman, you got a mouth on you."

"It's not 1955 any longer. Women swear as much as men."

"I miss women who talk about women things."

"You're changing the subject. Keep it up and I'll talk about my period. That's a woman thing. ~ Edie Ramer

Dealing with white people faux pas as a black woman is tricky: if you get upset, you can be quickly be labeled as the "angry black girl"; if you're too passive, it seems like you're give permission, or letting racism slide. ~ Franchesca Ramsey

It's a well-known fact. All women are clinically insane, but especially ballet dancers. Psycho. extremely psycho. Trust me. ~ Marisa De Los Santos

I'm drawn to the unconventional because I've been drawn unconventionally. I believe that I'm supposed to topple over these false images of what's idealistically beautiful. Because, of course, these intangible qualities are very attractive to women. Sincerity. Sense of humor. Success. ~ CeeLo Green

I think films about men are often about characters who don't want to express their feelings. You're supposed to kind of admire them for not expressing their feelings. And I feel that's a bit dull. Women's stories often have stronger emotional content, which I enjoy doing. What I really love doing is mixing that with humor. ~ Nigel Cole

Men are all the same, they think that because they came out of the belly of a woman they know all there is to know about women. ~ Jose Saramago

Humor in a relationship is so important. Many women will say that. Some say, 'If they can make you laugh, it's the sexiest thing on earth.' ~ Helen Mirren

Lesbian humor isn't trying to sell anything, it doesn't have to sell out. Coming out as a lesbian onstage is still a very political act; if it weren't, more women would do it. ~ Kate Clinton

From sixteen to twenty, all women, kept in humor by their hopes and by their attractions, appear to be good-natured. ~ Samuel Richardson

My ex - may he soon discover tiny worms have invaded his body and are slowly eating him alive - once told me God made men so perfect because He'd wanted to make up for the inadequacies of women. ~ Gena Showalter

Working on newspapers, you're writing to a certain length, often very brief pieces; you tend to look for easy forms of humor - women can't drive, things like that. That's about the level of a lot of newspaper humor. It becomes a form of laziness. ~ Tom Wolfe

Basically I'm pretty sure my mom thinks a well-thought-out list has the power to make time her personal bitch. ~ Susan Ranelle Amari

Men love it. They have a sense of humor, whereas a lot of women are threatened or just don't get it. ~ Lara Flynn Boyle

You drop my name again, I'll hunt you down and cut off everything that protrudes from your body. You get me? ~ Kristen Ashley

What was happening here? He decided that children were what was happening here; that children served as a symbolic blemish, like a birthmark or obesity, which gave him a chance where previously there would have been none. Maybe children democratized beautiful single women. ~ Nick Hornby

I realized women and humor were linked very closely. ~ Craig Ferguson

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' on what? On fire? ~ Rita Rudner

There's something about Southern women that is so unique yet so universal. Strong southern women are allowed to be soft and feminine and have a sense of humor. But what I love about Southern women in particular is their universality. ~ Connie Britton

She closed her eyes. "Okay, here's the thing. We have some chemistry," she allowed.
"Some? Or supernova?"
"Supernova. But," she said to his knowing grin. Good Lord, he needed to stop doing that. "I really did give up men."
"Forever?"
"My gut says yes, but that might be PMS talking. Let's just say I'm giving up men for a very long time."
"You going to try out women? ~ Jill Shalvis

It costs me never a stab nor squirm / To tread by chance upon a worm. / Aha, my little dear, / I say, Your clan will pay me back one day. ~ Dorothy Parker

There were too many idiot men in the world, to her way of thinking. And most of them ended up bumping up against stubborn women. ~ Nora Roberts

Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work. Yep. ~ Daniel Tosh

Agatha Christie has given more pleasure in bed than any other woman. ~ Nancy Banks-Smith

I don't think women are better than men, but I do think that men are worse than women. ~ Louis C.K.

In sitcoms, the women are so beautiful, understanding and well-bred. They have humor, but sort of display it with a twinkle of the eye and not a guffaw. But there's no juice in that for me. ~ Bea Arthur

I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age. ~ George Burns

It was the butt that had done it nineteen years ago, was still doing it now. He'd seen it coming around Strawberry Alley and had followed it four whole blocks. It was mesmerizing, the way it moved, independent of the rest of her body, as though operating under the influencer of another brain entirely, one cheek knocking into the other cheek so that that cheek had to swing out before knocking back ~ Yaa Gyasi

men sat around discussing the ethics of eating and farming, while women did all the work.23 ~ Aaron Bobrow-Strain

Vogon poetry is of course, the third worst in the universe.
The second worst is that of the Azgoths of Kria. During a recitation by their poet master Grunthos the Flatulent of his poem "Ode to a Small Lump of Green Putty I Found in My Armpit One Midsummer Morning" four of his audience died of internal haemorrhaging and the president of the Mid-Galactic Arts Nobbling Council survived by gnawing one of his own legs off. Grunthos was reported to have been "disappointed" by the poem's reception, and was about to embark on a reading of his 12-book epic entitled "My Favourite Bathtime Gurgles" when his own major intestine, in a desperate attempt to save humanity, leapt straight up through his neck and throttled his brain.
The very worst poetry of all perished along with its creator, Paul Neil Milne Johnstone of Redbridge, in the destruction of the planet Earth. Vogon poetry is mild by comparison. ~ Douglas Adams

We drank everything his favorite poet drank-Bukowski- and like Bukowski's women, I matched him drink for drink.
We drank each other blind. ~ Lidia Yuknavitch

Fucking morning people, they just don't understand what it a chore it is for us normal people to not want to leave our warm beds and face the miserable sun. ~ Katelin LaMontagne

the fraternity system is a very important target for us... it is a boot camp for the evilest part of the status quo. ~ Upright Citizens Brigade

That women were more spiritual, more sacred than men. I still believe that about women. Is that, too, comical? ~ Kurt Vonnegut

Women give more than men; young people more than their elders; people who appear to be of the most modest means seem more generous than the affluent looking. ~ Irvine Welsh

How strange, when your father's wearing women's clothes and platform shoes, that a pair of loafers looks incredible. ~ Moon Unit Zappa

The storm and stress period of women and the new social and psychological formations thereby entailed must indeed extend far into the twentieth century. This period of conflict will cease only when woman within and out of marriage shall have received legal equality with man. ~ Ellen Key

Until death," Jem replied gently. "Those are the words of the oath. 'Until aught but death part thee and me.' Someday, Will, I will go where none can follow me, and I think it will be sooner rather than later. Have you ever asked yourself why I agreed to be your parabatai?"
"No better offers forthcoming?" Will tried for humor, but his voice cracked like glass.
"I thought you needed me," Jem said. "There is a wall you have built about yourself, Will, and I have never asked you why. But no one should shoulder every burden alone. I thought you would let me inside if I became your parabatai, and then you would have at least someone to lean upon. I did wonder what my death would mean for you. I used to fear it, for your sake. I feared you would be left alone inside that wall. But now ... something has changed. I do not know why. But I know that it is true."
"That what is true?" Will's fingers were still digging into Jem's wrist.
"That the wall is coming down. ~ Cassandra Clare

A lady named Maude let me in the back,' he said. 'She's a firecracker, that one. Told me she's knitting trivets as a wild change of pace from scarves. If you're keeping score, that means changing from a rectangle all the way to a square. ~ Heather Cocks

Thanks, Dad, for leaving a huge void in my life that Freud says has to be filled with dick. ~ Leah Raeder

But the Courts aren't places humans are supposed to be, especially the Unseelie Court. Most faeries won't even go there."
"We have to go - we have to get Ravus's heart. He's going to die if we don't."
"What are we going to do? Go down there and ask for it?"
"Pretty much. ~ Holly Black

The chief attraction of the opposite sex for all of us, old and young, men and women: we need someone to save us from the sympathetic smiles in the Sunday-night cinema queue, someone who can stop us from falling down into the pit where the permanently single live with their mums and dads. ~ Nick Hornby

You can tell a lot about a woman's mood by just looking at her hands... for instance, if she's holding a gun, she's probably angry. ~ Roney Ngala

You probably think I'm just a hysterical woman who would be better off home doing woman's work."
"We're in the state that was the first to give women the right to vote. I'm not about to tell you what a woman's work should be," I said... ~ Hunter Shea

Inevitably, anytime we are too vulnerable we feel the need to protect ourselves from further wounds. So we resort to sarcasm, cutting humor, criticism
anything that will keep from exposing the tenderness within. Each partner tends to wait on the initiative of the other for love, only to be disappointed but also confirmed as to the rightness of the accusations made. ~ Stephen R. Covey

I tell you it's deadly when you start thinking your wife might be right. ~ Isaac Asimov

Gradually, it began to dawn on me that the image of God as Father, Son and Spirit was at the root of the problem. No matter what I did, I would never be ¨in his image.¨ While I had hoped to find in God a father who would love and accept my female self, it seemed that ¨he,¨ like my father and most of my professors, liked boys better. I decided that unless we could call God Mother as well as Father, Daughter as well as Son, women and girls would never be valued. ~ Carol P. Christ

I notice you have the assault proof vest -
So it's my fault I guess.
So apparently I didn't say 'no' as loud as my clothes could say 'yes.'
You see I didn't know that my 'no' wasn't enough -
I didn't understand that my body became less precious
because certain dresses
make me look hot.
And I guess if I'm wearing the wrong top
then my 'yes' is the same as 'stop.'
And you shouldn't have to, just because I begged you to.
I'm begging you -
Tell me the magic outfit and I'll buy it.
Apparently my 'no' wasn't heard,
even when I screamed.
So I need my clothes to be quiet. ~ Connell, Steve

How about you don't kill anybody for a little bit?"
"I can't make that promise."
Small talk with the dragon. How are you? Eaten any adventurers lately? Sure, just had one this morning. Look, I still got his femur stuck in my teeth. Is that upsetting to you? ~ Ilona Andrews

Mr. Dallstrom is a bald, scarecrow of a man with a poochy stomache. Think of a pregnant Abraham Lincoln. ~ Richard Paul Evans

Although I have a lot of close female friends in my life, my number one is still my mom. Without her, I wouldn't have the values that I have and see the world the way that I do today. She taught me how to appreciate and respect women. She taught me chivalry and how to love a woman and respect their feelings and emotions. ~ Shemar Moore

My women are always victorious. ~ Helmut Newton

DJing for people is fun until someone comes up with a phone screen that has 'PLAY SOME RIHANNA' written on it. I prefer to play older songs because they're the ones I personally enjoy dancing and singing along to and modern dance music bores my brains out. ~ Alexa Chung

What restricts the use of the word 'lady' among the courteous is that it is intended to set a woman apart from ordinary humanity, and in the working world that is not a help, as women have discovered in many bitter ways. ~ Judith Martin

God created men to test the souls of women. ~ Robert A. Heinlein

Let us forget that we are Baptists, Methodists, Catholics, Presbyterians, or Free-thinkers, and remember only that we are men and women. After all, man and woman are the highest possible titles. All other names belittle us, and show that we have, to a certain extent, given up our individuality, and have consented to wear the collar of authority - that we are followers. Throwing away these names, let us examine these questions not as partisans, but as human beings with hopes and fears in common. ~ Robert G. Ingersoll

I am in an industry that makes women feel bad about themselves, absolutely. ~ Bobbi Brown

As she chattered and laughed and cast quick glances into the house and the yard, her eyes fell on a stranger, standing alone in the hall, staring at her in a cool impertinent way that brought her up sharply with a mingled feeling of feminine pleasure that she had attracted a man and an embarrassed sensation that her dress was too low in the bosom. He looked quite old, at least thirty-five. He was a tall man and powerfully built. Scarlett thought she had never seen such a man with such wide shoulders, so heavy with muscles, almost too heavy for gentility. When her eye caught his, he smiled, showing animal-white teeth below a close-clipped black mustache. He was dark of face, swarthy as a pirate, and his eyes were as bold and black as any pirate's appraising a galleon to be scuttled or a maiden to be ravished. There was a cool recklessness in his face and a cynical humor in his mouth as he smiled at her, and Scarlett caught her breath. She felt that she should be insulted by such a look as was annoyed with herself because she did not feel insulted. She did not know who he could be, but there was undeniably a look of good blood in his dark face. It showed in the thin hawk nose over the full red lips, and high forehead and the wide-set eyes. ~ Margaret Mitchell

I regard the whole of my life as having been lived in an anxious world. ~ Diana Trilling

Women's voices aren't heard often enough. Congress should reflect the population, but with only 20 percent women in the Senate and 18 percent in the House, it just doesn't. ~ Kirsten Gillibrand

Flying is the best possible thing for women. ~ Raymonde De Laroche

Well, I've almost got the problem licked. I'm eighty now, and in a few more years, I think I'll have it completely under control. (referring to his love of coffee) ~ J. Golden Kimball

Women truly were the stronger gender. All the subtle games they had to play, the way they teased power from those around them! She had much to learn there. ~ Kiersten White

I'm going to walk out and bang the door hard ~ Edna

Quote: a banal proverb that is considered profound when uttered by a celebrity. ~ Bauvard

In an interview, Paris Hilton said that of her and her sister, "People love to hate us. But when you know us, you love us. And if you really get to know us, you get gonorrhea." ~ Tina Fey

Everywhere you go, you see women more beautiful than yourself.
You imagine him being attracted to them.
You're drinking gasoline to stay warm. ~ Melissa Bank

I was devastated when I got the review for my first book. The book came out a couple years before the women's movement broke through, and people were putting it down, asking, 'Why does the woman in this book need to get a divorce? Why can't she just shut up and be happy?' ~ Gail Sheehy

Mr. Sand, do you think it's possible to fall in love in the space of a single day?"
He smiled. "I wouldn't know. I only fall in love at night. Never lasts beyond breakfast, though. ~ Tessa Dare

Making female noises, shrieking and squeaking and being shrill, all those things that annoy people with longer vocal cords. Another case where the length of organs seems to be so important to men. ~ Ursula K. Le Guin

Among the idle rich, boredom is one of the most common causes of unhappiness. People who have difficulty in earning their living may suffer greatly, but they are not bored. Wealthy men and women become bored when they depend upon the theater for their enjoyment instead of making their own lives interesting. ~ Andre Maurois

One of the most infuriating elements of American myopia about investing in at-risk kids is that politicians often insist that they don't have the funds to pay for social services, but they somehow find the resources to pay for prisons later on. Republican lawmakers don't want to pay for $500 IUDs for low-income women, so they pay $17,000 for Medicaid births. They don't want to pay to reduce lead poisoning, even though that means paying for special education classes for years to come. ~ Nicholas D. Kristof And Sheryl WuDunn

For a tiny instant Faith wondered whether it would benefit the doctor's investigation if he experienced a cliff fall first-hand. ~ Frances Hardinge

Suffice it to say I was compelled to create this group in order to find everyone who is, let's say, borrowing liberally from my INESTIMABLE FOLIO OF CANONICAL MASTERPIECES (sorry, I just do that sometimes), and get you all together. It's the least I could do.

I mean, seriously. Those soliloquies in Moby-Dick? Sooo Hamlet and/or Othello, with maybe a little Shylock thrown in. Everyone from Pip in Great Expectations to freakin' Mr. Rochester in Jane Eyre mentions my plays, sometimes completely mangling my words in nineteenth-century middle-American dialect for humorous effect (thank you, Sir Clemens). Many people (cough Virginia Woolf cough) just quote me over and over again without attribution. I hear James Joyce even devoted a chapter of his giant novel to something called the "Hamlet theory," though do you have some sort of newfangled English? It looks like gobbledygook to me. The only people who don't seek me out are like Chaucer and Dante and those ancient Greeks. For whatever reason.

And then there are the titles. The Sound and the Fury? Mine. Infinite Jest? Mine. Proust, Nabokov, Steinbeck, and Agatha Christie all have titles that are me-inspired. Brave New World? Not just the title, but half the plot has to do with my work. Even Edgar Allan Poe named a character after my Tempest's Prospero (though, not surprisingly, things didn't turn out well for him!). I'm like the star to every wandering bark, the arrow of every compass, the buzzard to every haw ~ Sarah Schmelling

I firmly disagree with anyone who says humans are the most advanced, or the most intelligent species on the planet. In fact, only three animals have ever threatened to kill me: humans, their dogs, and a particularly aggressive species of house spider. ~ Israel Morrow

She knew exactly how she ought to feel, for she was well read in our greater and lesser English poets, but the unfortunate fact was that she did not really like being kissed at all. ~ Barbara Pym

Know your load. That's rule numero uno in this business, which is why I make them count the penguins out in front of me one at a time. I'm not going to be the schmuck who shows up in Orlando two
birds short of a dinner party ... I know I'm pulling out of Houston with exactly forty-two Gentoo penguins, seventeen Jamaican land iguanas, four tuataras from New Zealand, and a pair of rare, civet-like mammals called linsangs. No more, no less. ~ Jacob M. Appel