Humor Dating Quotes

He had to say that the thing he found most attractive about her was that she had tried to kill herself. Now that was interesting
sexy, almost, in a morbid kind of way. ~ Nick Hornby

What was happening here? He decided that children were what was happening here; that children served as a symbolic blemish, like a birthmark or obesity, which gave him a chance where previously there would have been none. Maybe children democratized beautiful single women. ~ Nick Hornby

I don't think I can give up on Reese. I 'or something' her. ~ Toni Aleo

On Wall Street, the lawyers play the same role as medics in war: They come in after the shooting is over to clean up the mess. ~ Michael Lewis

What are you doing, Avery?"
I held up my bottle. "Drinking. What are you doing?"
His icy blue eyes narrowed. "That's not what I'm getting at and you know that. What are you doing?"
Damn. Hello attitude. I tried to give Cam the bitch look Steph had mastered, screwing my face up until I'm sure I looked like I was having a seizure. I sighed and gave up. ~ J. Lynn

Now, if there's anything stupider than buddy lists, its lol. if anyone ever uses lol with me, i rip my computer right out of the wall and smash it over the nearest head. i mean, it's not like anyone is laughing out loud about the things they lol. i think it should be spelled loll. like what a lobotomized person's tongue does. loll. loll. i can't think anymore. loll. loll! or ttyl. bitch, you're not actually talking. that would require actual vocal contact or <3. you honestly think that looks like a heart? if you do, that's only because you'v never seen scrotum. (rofl! what? are you really rolling on the floor laughing? well, please stay down there a sec while i KICK YOUR ASS) ~ David Levithan

Baravetto was unconscious when we found him," Hi said. "What'd you do to the guy?"
"Kicked him in the balls, then brained him with a rolling pin. Twice. ~ Kathy Reichs

Nancy was so thrilled, I thought she was going to kiss me - and I thought I was actually going to have to hit a chick. ~ Jennifer L. Armentrout

Morning, I soon discovered, was one o'clock for Auntie Mame. Early Morning was eleven, and the Middle of the Night was nine. ~ Patrick Dennis

His tiny, naked butt disappeared into the stream as he cried, "Wheeeee! Balls out!"
I think that's a rugby reference," Bertie said. "But don't quote me on that. ~ Lisa Mantchev

8:58 We go to McDonald's. The woman in front of me in line spends more than five seconds contemplating her order. This infuriates me, WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR?? MC-SEABASS?? IT'S THE GODDAMN MCDONALDS'S MENU, IT'S BEEN THE SAME FOR TEN YEARS! IT'S ALL MCSHIT!JUST ORDER! ~ Tucker Max

I'm very happy to be part of a generation where you don't have to say that you're gay. It's just like, 'I'm dating a dude,' or, 'I'm dating a girl,' and I love it. I think it's a great time. ~ Keke Palmer

The reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks. If my daughter has a mediocre sense of humor, I'm just gonna tell her, 'Be a staff writer for a sitcom. Because they'll have to hire you, they can't really fire you, and you don't have to produce that much. It'll be awesome.' ~ Adam Carolla

Good-humor is a philosophic state of mind; it seems to say to Nature that we take her no more seriously than she takes us. I maintain that one should always talk of philosophy with a smile. ~ William James

Dan Cahill thought he had the most annoying big sister on the planet. And that was before she set fire to two million dollars. ~ Rick Riordan

I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

The rest of us can find happiness in misery. ~ Fall Out Boy

This is the story of how I "came down with cat," even though I had decided I would never, ever, own any pet. ~ Nils Uddenberg

Anthony: Now lower your dress a little-
Roslynn: Anthony!
Anthony: This is no time for offended modesty ... You're the distraction.
Roslynn: Och, well, in that case.
Anthony: That's quite low enough, my dear ...
Roslynn: I was only trying to help,
Anthony: Commendable, but we want the chap to ogle you, not bust his breeches. ~ Johanna Lindsey

Parasols with miniature electric gas lamps atop them were all the rage. Hers had a pink light in it, which meant she belonged to a family that allowed its children to follow the quaint old practice of dating. White indicated that a girl's family would arrange a courtship for her, and blue identified a married woman. Green stood for a woman who wasn't keen on men at all, but whose head could be turned by the sight of a pretty skirt. ~ Lia Habel

Personally I think there is no doubt that sub-atomic energy is available all around us, and that one day man will release and control its almost infinite power. We cannot prevent him from doing so and can only hope that he will not use it exclusively in blowing up his next door neighbour. (1936) ~ Francis William Aston

For gracious sake, don't talk about Liberty; we have quite enough of that. ~ Charles Dickens

…so that's why I'm pleased to announce my endorsement of Sarah Palin for President in 2016: because you know that whoever gets elected is going to fuck you over. So why not vote for somebody that you actually want to get fucked by? ~ Phillip Andrew Bennett Low

Close but no cigar ~ Lawrence Sanders

It was like having two children in the car with her. Okay, one child and a young adult that
kept backsliding. Hal, of course, was attempting to prove he was really only eight years old.
Taggart could resist the taunting part of the time. Nigel was the senile grandmother who never
noticed that the children were fighting. He sat in the backseat, smiling serenely at the passing
landscape. What made things worse was that Taggart called shotgun so he could film through the
front window. That made it so she couldn't reach Hal to swat him into silence. She found herself
tempted to hit Taggart just because he was beside her. And because he'd changed into a dark blue
silk shirt and cologne that smelled so good she just wanted to roll in it.
"I can kill us all," Jane growled, gripping the wheel tightly, and resisted the urge to drive the
production truck into the ditch to prove her point.
Somehow they reached downtown without her killing anyone. ~ Wen Spencer

Maybe knowledge is power, but it's damned hard to think a burglar to death. ~ Lois Greiman

Gussie, a glutton for punishment, stared at himself in the mirror. ~ P.G. Wodehouse

I have a suggestion," said Valentine to Luke, in a surprisingly even tone.
"Let me guess," said Luke. "It's 'Don't kill me,' isn't it? ~ Cassandra Clare

How old is he, Uncle?"
"Young whipper-snapper, just twenty-three."
Twenty-three! He'd never die off. The town would vote for him and then he'd be sheriff for ages and ages and she'd never get her chance. ~ Anne Garboczi Evans

Two things happen when you get to be old. One, you gather experience and knowledge. You learn from your mistakes, and thereby offer wisdom to others. The second thing that happens is that you grow forgetful, ornery and senile, and when you offer advice, well, you sometimes just don't know what you're talking about. Often it's hard for everyone-including me-to know the difference. ~ Camron Wright

Oh, please," I rolled my eyes, "You're a leftie, Barrons."
"Touche, Ms. Lane," he murmured. ~ Karen Marie Moning

It's an ancient technique known as lying, Khouri. ~ Alastair Reynolds

We have been together for 40 years, married for 36. There have been three times in our relationship when we were unable to resolve an issue on our own. We used all the skill that we have and yet it was still unresolved. In those three times we sought professional help because there was a blind spot for each of us. The therapist was able to listen to both of us and help us come to a place of resolution that we both felt good about. I feel very grateful for that help. Most times we have been able to work things through on our own. Sometimes we can clear the issue in a matter of a few minutes, sometimes an hour and sometimes it can take several days. But we still keep working on it until we both say that we feel complete, we understand our own part and responsibility in the issue rather than simply blaming each other, are willing to go on, and there is an even deeper connection and sometimes even humor to the situation. In working each issue through to completion we have been able to retain a beautiful lightness in our relationship that we both cherish. ~ Joyce Vissell

Everyone knows WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book in which all roads lead to death. ~ Sloane Crosley

Yeah, because off the ice the only language Stephanie speaks is fluent Bitch. ~ Jennifer Comeaux

Jasper!' said Katie. 'Your machine was supposed to be making duplicate copies of all of the things that were photocopied during the week!'
Yes indeed. And so it did.' He flung open a panel. 'All ingeniously copied and transcribed onto one convenient wax roll, quite easily carried between the three of us.' He hefted one end of the wax roll; it was as big as a carpet. 'Come along. It's a mere two hundred and twenty pounds. Try to keep one hand free for making fists. We may have to bash our way out of here. ~ M T Anderson

I've never stunned anyone except in our D.A. lessons," said Luna, sounding mildly interested. "That was noisier than I thought it would be. ~ J.K. Rowling

Gluten free pizza elicits the same response at a hollywood party that a pile of cocaine did in the 80's. ~ Natasha Leggero

The Count was clearly a fair-minded man. Anyone who didn't think so deserved to die. ~ Terry Pratchett