Omid Djalili Funny Quotes

A wise saying is something you keep picking up off the floor in front of your fridge ~ Robert Breault

I think it's always funny when you see kids do Shakespeare. ~ Steve Coogan

Every man's dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands ~ Jerry Lewis

Too much work, and no vacation, Deserves at least a small libation. So hail! my friends, and raise your glasses, Work's the curse of the drinking classes. ~ Oscar Wilde

My grandparents would never admit to being Tasmanian, but I think it's really great and funny. But I guess, in the past, Tasmanians just weren't quite accepted. You had that lazy reference to them being felons. ~ Jessie Cave

This is the final book about Brian ~ Gary Paulsen

It's funny how someone's perception of you can be formed without you even knowing it. ~ Sarah Dessen

I made the choice long ago to write about real life. And life is both serious and funny. ~ Paula Danziger

I don't need a president with a bucket list! ~ Chris Rock

The shooting of the guns, that was kind of funny, because rolling a cigarette and shooting a gun aren't like normal things for a 13-year old girl! ~ Hailee Steinfeld

It was almost funny, how even lying here terrified and half-expecting to be dead at any moment, his bureaucratic fear of reprimand, of public embarrassment was stronger than his physical fear of dying. ~ James Jones

Hang on, Pa, don't reach for yer shotgun just yet," I said, grinning over the protective streak I found funny, when there wasn't actually anything to shelterme from. "We were just circlin' the wagons, not having an orgy."
My dad suddenly looked like he might be sick. "Please don't ever say that word again."
"Wagons? ~ Rachel Vincent

I had to have a brace because I had big teeth. If I'd gone to Africa I would have got poached. ~ Alan Carr

I once punched a bloke in the face for saying 'Hawk the Slayer' was rubbish, when what I should have said 'Dad, you're wrong.' ~ Bill Bailey

My dad is actually a manic depressive, which is very exciting half the time. ~ Marc Maron

Love your haters - they're your biggest fans ~ Kanye West

What doesn't kill you can still make you walk funny.

--halloweenforum.com ~ Tony-Paul De Vissage

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger. ~ Billy Connolly

I never thought I'd land in pictures with a face like mine. ~ Audrey Hepburn

I like to think of bread as really bland cake. ~ Jim Gaffigan

BROADBENT [stiffly]. Devil is rather a strong expression in that
connexion, Mr Keegan.

KEEGAN. Not from a man who knows that this world is hell. But
since the word offends you, let me soften it, and compare you
simply to an ass. [Larry whitens with anger].

BROADBENT [reddening]. An ass!

KEEGAN [gently]. You may take it without offence from a madman
who calls the ass his brother--and a very honest, useful and
faithful brother too. The ass, sir, is the most efficient of
beasts, matter-of-fact, hardy, friendly when you treat him as a
fellow-creature, stubborn when you abuse him, ridiculous only in
love, which sets him braying, and in politics, which move him to
roll about in the public road and raise a dust about nothing. Can
you deny these qualities and habits in yourself, sir?

BROADBENT [goodhumoredly]. Well, yes, I'm afraid I do, you know.

KEEGAN. Then perhaps you will confess to the ass's one fault.

BROADBENT. Perhaps so: what is it?

KEEGAN. That he wastes all his virtues--his efficiency, as you
call it--in doing the will of his greedy masters instead of doing
the will of Heaven that is in himself. He is efficient in the
service of Mammon, mighty in mischief, skilful in ruin, heroic in
destruction. But he comes to browse here without knowing that the
soil his hoof touches is holy ground. Ireland, sir, for good or
evil, i ~ George Bernard Shaw

The medium is the message, the message is encrypted, and the encryption key is controlled by NSA. ~ The Covert Comic

The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl. ~ Dave Barry

I love making friends ... it's people I can't stand. ~ Linus Torvalds

Otulissa swelled up to twice her normal size. 'Well, SPRINK ON YOUR SPRONK! ~ Kathryn Lasky

It's a funny thing, but it's often overlooked that I'm a huge devout lover of French cooking. I have the utmost respect for them, though they have lost their respect for me because they think the way I cook is nutty. ~ Wylie Dufresne

It's funny, people often ask me, "Why do you do bike tours where it takes three times the effort and you make one-third of the money?" My answer is that I'm trying to do it ethically. What does that mean, exactly? That conflict is a big part of my art. ~ Ben Sollee

I've always said that instead of watching a guy juggle seven things amazingly I would rather see a really bad juggler who's really funny. ~ Jeff Dunham

I knew I wanted to be in show business so I took the path of least resistance. I loved comedy. But you never know you are funny until people laugh. It's just what I was interested in. I could make people laugh, I guess, but doing it at school and doing it onstage are very different things. ~ Steve Martin

EAT SANDWICH, NOT OWN MOUTH. ~ Lauren Conrad

They've taken the foot off Johnny Grubb. Uh, they've taken the shoe off Johnny Grubb. ~ Jerry Coleman

Now that's a sight for sore eyes, Sebastian. Maybe I should just leave you here: the hotel maids might appreciate that. Or, better still, maybe I'll take a photograph of you on my phone. Dont worry, I wont post it on the internet, it'll just be my screen saver. ~ Jane Harvey-Berrick

I'd so much rather people think I was funny than pretty. ~ Kristen Johnston

Moms Mabley said you have to say good things about the dead. I say, 'He's dead. Good.' ~ Kate Clinton

I like them all-pointers, setters, retrievers, spaniels-what have you. I've had good ones and bad of several kinds. Most of the bad ones were my fault and most of the good ones would have been good under any circumstances. ~ Gene Hill

I'm still going on bad dates when by now I should be in a bad marriage. ~ Laura Kightlinger

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting. ~ Gloria Leonard