Jeff Dunham Quotes

Jeff: You know, you don't have to do this.
Walter: Yeah, I could get a real job.
Jeff: What would you do?
Walter: I wanna be a greeter at Wal-Mart.
Walter: What the hell's so funny?
Jeff: At Wal-Mart, what would be your opening line?
Walter: Oh.
Walter: Welcome to Wal-Mart. Get your shit and get out!
Walter: Have a nice day!

Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Knock, knock.
Jeff Dunham: Who's there?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Me, I kill you!

You're the other white meat!

Oh, so how did the marrige counsling go?


Well let's just say after it was over there where two people who thought I was an ass. And i was paying both of 'um.

Growing up, I thought it would be great if I could do big theaters. Now we're doing arenas.

Achmed: Two Jews walk into a bar...
Jeff: No no no no no
Achmed: You don't let Jews in your bar? You racist bastard.

WHAT! WE CANT TALK AT THE SAME TIME! I talk, you talk, I talk, you talk, I talk, you talk, WE CAN'T DO IT! Peanut. WHAT! You said my name wrong. No it's Jeff Dun-ham. No it's dunham, No dun-ham. No dunha. No you see it says dunham jeff dun-HAM. Actually if you look at it, it say jef f dunham .com

Shut up or i'll kill you by Achmed the dead tarries.

Jeff-did you guys have a good day?
Jose-no
Jeff-why
Jose-he got my stick jammed in the car door
Jeff-what?did you say sorry
Jose- no
Jeff- why didn't you say sorry
Jose- cause he couldn't breath
Jeff-why couldn't he breath
Jose- cause he was laughing to hard

PENUT:and when you really think about its jef-f-f Dunham
JEFF: F-F
PENUT:your using an unneeded F
Jef-f-f Dun- Ham. com!!!!!
Am i pissing you of-f-f????? Jef-f-f Dun Ham.com
PENUT: you know the wierd thing is i am actually pissing him off!!!and he would like to kill me
JEFF:no i wouldn't
PENUT:yes
JEFF:no
PENUT:assert you fellings Jef-f-f

I started in a business background, but then it was like, 'you know, I can't do math,' so I changed it to a liberal arts degree and got my Bachelor of Arts in Communications and it made sense.

If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

I'm a geek to the bone.

Jeff: I understand you guys had a good day today?
Peanut: Yes we had a great day!
Jose: No we did not.
Peanut: Yes
Jose: No
Peanut: Yes
Jose: No
Peanut: Yes
Jose: No we did not have a good day.
Peanut: Yes we hhhaad...a great frickin' day!
What?
Jeff: Did you have a good day?
Peanut: Yes
Jose: No
Peanut: Shut up
Jeff: A good day?
Peanut: Yes
Jose: No
Peanut: Shut up
Jeff: You're supposed to have taken him to the spa.
Peanut: I took him to the spa!
Jose: He put me in the vegetable steamer.
Peanut: It's the same thing!!!

That afternoon I ordered an information packet.

Family time was very difficult when my girls were little, but I never missed a birthday; I was there for every major event.

I think maybe one reason why ventriloquists are looked down on is because it's very difficult to be funny. I think what happens is that people get a dummy, they learn the technique of ventriloquism, they memorize the script, they think they're in show business.

Every character I've had in my act - none of them have a similar creation story. I actually thought up Peanut and designed him in my head. I described him to a woman that was making soft puppets and she drew up some sketches. And the character came to be just because he popped into my head.

I don't think I am very easy to work for because everything has to be just right or we don't put it out. But at the same time, all the people that work for me have a "no asshole" rule, if you're a jerk you're fired, so it's a great team and a lot of skillful people at the top of the game, anybody from management to the agents to the publicists to the day-to-day website stuff and it's just a great team.

All through college, I was searching for characters that would make me unique and set me apart from the typical ventriloquist with the typical dummy that was the little boy, cheeky hard figure like Charlie McCarthy.

Silence! I kill you!

My mother and my father have always supported me. Now in their eighties, they actually clamor onto the tour bus with me once or twice a year so they can watch the performances and hear the crowds. Traveling with eighty-something-year-olds on a tour bus ... there has to be some sort of reality show in that.

Peanut: Just last week I was lying in bed and I woke up sobbing 'I will never be happy until we return to SA-NA-TA-ANA!' And now we're here! Thank you for bringing me!

I'm a pretty good ventriloquist, but it's the entertainment value and the laughs that keep people sitting there and wanting more.

It's strange because even in the vaudeville days, ventriloquists were never the main attraction. They were the guys brought out to stand in front of the curtain while sets were being changed. Ventriloquism wasn't even celebrated as an art until Edgar Bergen came along in the 1930s.

Math? Forget about it. If I add four plus eight plus six, I have to count on my fingers. I guess I'm hooked up differently.

In 1980, when I graduated from high school, my goal was to be on 'The Tonight Show' with Johnny Carson at least once before our ten-year class reunion. Our class reunion was in June of 1990, and I was on 'The Tonight Show' in April 1990, so I made it by a few months.

When a bad experience happens, you just chalk it up to the great fact that you just got five more jokes in the show.

When I was in third grade I taught myself ventriloquism ... What's hard is to learn to be an entertainer and make people laugh. I was a few years out of college before I felt I had enough material. Then in 1988 I moved to L.A. and started to do some shows at comedy clubs.

I'm a Macintosh nut. I got my PowerBook, so if I'm not writing jokes, I'm working on that.

I used to pick Priuses out of the grill of my Hummer.

I'm not trying to teach anybody anything, I'm not trying to say anything, I have no political motive whatsoever. My motive is just the big laugh.

I've tried the female thing. I was in a movie called Dinner for Schmucks a couple of years ago with Steve Carell and I created a female character for that movie. And after a few months of trying her out on the road it just didn't work. I mean, I can think like a terrorist, I can think like a white trash guy, I can even try and think like an African American, but I can't figure out how a woman.

I've always said that instead of watching a guy juggle seven things amazingly I would rather see a really bad juggler who's really funny.

I don't aim it at anybody specific, I don't aim my characters to make old people laugh or young people or professionals or blue collar, just whatever I think is going to be funny and it just so happens that.

Jeff: There's a lot of history in this city...
Peanut: Translated: Old. As. Shit.

I think there's a lot of, unfortunately, unfunny ventriloquists out there, so they've got a bad rap. It came after Edgar Bergen because everybody had a little cheeky boy dummy like Charlie McCarthy, and everybody decided to become a ventriloquist because Bergen had popularized it. He brought it back from the doldrums of vaudeville.

I hate the beach - I'm a mountain guy. I'd much rather face a bear than a shark.

I taught myself computer. Then Macintosh came along, and it became a really bad addiction. If I wasn't in show business, I'd have pocket protectors growing out of my chest. I do everything on it. It's kinda sick.

But the mechanics of learning to 'throw your voice' are pretty simple. Anyone with a tongue, an upper palate, teeth, and a normal speaking voice can learn ventriloquism.

Achmed 'Two Jews walk into a bar'
No no no no no' Jeff
You don't let Jews in your bar? You racist bastard' Achmed"
-Achmed the dead terrorist and Jeff

The roadwork is just rehearsal for that DVD you're going to film a year later.

Peanut: Come here puppet boy... make your daddy talk!

Everybody has their favorite character.That's the only way I pick, whatever is going on in society, whatever I think folks will laugh at that's what I come up with.

So Achmed if you've been in my suitcase this entire time how have you been getting through security? Oh thats easy they open the suitcase and i say 'ello my name is lindey lohan!

We just got a tour bus. I didn't know tour buses could be this nice. It's just me, Brian Haner the guitar guy, the tour manager and a writer. We laugh ourselves silly. Apparently we're going to have a road dog, a miniature pincher. It's the smallest they've ever seen. How masculine am I going to look, working with dolls and a miniature dog?

The kids who come backstage that have cancer or whatever, make them laugh and smile for a little while, what's the problem with that? There isn't any.

A comedian needs to have his own filters, needs to know his audience, how far he can push things.

Jeff: The drive from the valley?
Peanut: Was bad as hell!
Jeff: Traffic?
Peanut: Sucked like hell!
Jeff: Drivers?
Peanut: Angry as hell!
Jeff: And you?
Peanut: Were scared as hell!
Jeff: Parking?
Peanut: Sucked more like hell!
Jeff: So?
Peanut: We're in hell!

[In my bio] is no drunk driving, there's no DUI's, there's no possession of cocaine, none of that stuff so you know, I don't know if that's good or bad. Everybody loves dirty laundry.

My parents never discouraged me. There were a couple times when my dad criticized a couple things that I did, but it was nothing. So through the bad shows, I never wanted to quit.