Hilarious Tweaker Quotes

The Adderall Diaries is phenomenal. With jittery finesse and a reformed tweaker's eye for detail, Stephen Elliott captures the terrifying, hilarious, heart-strangling reality of a life whose scorched-earth physical and psycho-emotional dimensions no one could have invented - they absolutely had to be lived. By all rights, the author should either be dead or chewing his fingers in a bus station. Instead, he may well have written the memoir of an entire generation. ~ Jerry Stahl

The best shows to tweet about are the ones that are hilarious, but they might not necessarily be trying to be hilarious. Those are the easiest and the funniest because you're like 'come onnnn.' ~ Retta

I'll watch Ricky Gervais in anything he does. The guy's hilarious. ~ Danny DeVito

Fat jokes aren't relevant, but they're hilarious when you find them. ~ Joan Rivers

Why not try thinking of your life as hilarious rather than nightmarish? ~ Julia Sweeney

My son thinks I'm hilarious, but he's only 1. ~ Mackenzie Crook

If there was a National Tweaker Olympics, Oregon would bring home the gold in every category (Living in Squalor, Poisoning Your Neighbors, Developing Facial Scabs, Public Aggression, Theft of Useless Things, Taking Stuff Apart, and Crazy Talking). ~ Laurie Notaro

The Marx Brothers isn't subtle, and that's hilarious. ~ Martin Freeman

My favorite people are the ones that can make any unfunny joke hilarious by just laughing. ~ Ziad K. Abdelnour

I'm completely obsessed with Andrew Smith's 'Winger.' A great, hilarious, and moving story. ~ John Corey Whaley

Amy Poehler, Kristen Wiig, Maya Rudolph - when they speak, everyone listens. Because they're freaking hilarious. ~ Casey Wilson

It's hilarious to me that by writing an obscene fake children's book I am mistaken for a parenting expert. ~ Adam Mansbach

One person I haven't worked with yet, who I find hilarious, is Chad Coleman. ~ Josh McDermitt

Nothing compares to being in a room full of politicians screaming abuse at each other all night. It's hilarious but also a bit terrifying. ~ Peter Capaldi

Writing 'We Are Never Getting Back Together' was one of the most hilarious experiences I have ever had in the studio because it just happened so naturally. ~ Taylor Swift

A lot of people don't think of my work as being all that funny, but I think it's hilarious! ~ Fred Tomaselli

I thought 'Pineapple Express' was hilarious. ~ J. B. Smoove

'Chappie' would be like 'RoboCop,' but hilarious. If you mixed 'Robocop' with 'E.T.' and it was ... funny, that's what it is. ~ Neill Blomkamp

Comedy ages quicker than tragedy, to the extent that we can't know if the 10 commandments may originally have been 10 hilarious one-liners. ~ Arthur Smith

Fat jokes to me are always, always hilarious, as long as they're done towards yourself. ~ Zach Galifianakis

In my personal life, I'm hilarious! I was always a bit of a jokester. ~ Alison Brie

People will send me tweets or texts, 'Yo, I'm at Red Lobster now and they're playing Mayer Hawthorne,' more of that kind of stuff, which is hilarious. ~ Mayer Hawthorne

I think Carrot Top is hilarious. ~ Craig Robinson

Daddy was hilarious. He could take the most mundane event and tell it so that we all on the floor laughing. He trained me in the joys of humor. ~ Karen DeCrow

If anybody is a master at improvisation, it would be Ken Jeong. He is hilarious. ~ Anneliese Van Der Pol

There are only so many hilarious actors so when they cross-pollinate, people assume it's always the same actors and directors. ~ Judd Apatow

Steve Buscemi is hilarious. He's really, really good with improv. ~ Steve Carell

At the risk of appearing disingenuous, I don't really think of myself as 'writing humor.' I'm simply reporting on the world I observe, which is frequently hilarious. ~ Richard Russo

Super Troopers is hilarious. Everybody always thought we somehow - we did Reno way, way before any of us had seen Super Troopers. It sat on the shelf for a couple years. ~ Thomas Lennon

I did a shoot for 'Sports Illustrated,' and my grandpa called me and asked when my issue of 'Playboy' was coming out. It was hilarious as well as embarrassing. ~ Jasmine Tookes

Inappropriateness is funny to me. Rudeness is hilarious. ~ Zach Galifianakis

I love tiny, plastic realistic food magnets. I don't know why. They're hilarious. ~ Amy Lee

I would love to work with Kristin Wiig one day. I find her hilarious, and I totally idolize her. ~ Kelli Berglund

I'm big on facial expressions, and I'm big on mannerisms, which I find to be hilarious. ~ J. B. Smoove

Working for Master Mischief? This would be an act of sheer rebellion. Her parents would be livid if they ever found out. And it would be hilarious. ~ C.B. Lee

If I can surround myself with hilarious people every day, I will always want to go to work. ~ Rashida Jones

Regular panelists on shows can be terrifying. They own that space, and many guest comics suspect they are favoured in the edit, while their own hilarious jokes end up being ejected into the ether. ~ Jo Brand

I have never liked Morrissey, and I still don't. I think it's hilarious, actually, what things I've heard about him, what he's really like, and his public persona is so different. He's such an actor. ~ Robert Smith

I have a really great show jacket from Lavalliere that's really well made, and I have a great pair of Gucci jodhpurs, which is hilarious. ~ Edie Campbell

And of course Marc Cherry heightens it and makes it hilarious. But there's so many universal themes in the show, and he made it so funny. We knew he was onto something if he could keep it up and, thankfully, he did. ~ James Denton

It's often hilarious to me that I'm writing about Tonga or some tropical place and there's a blizzard outside and the cows are on their backs with their hooves in the air. ~ Tim Cahill

I was a huge fan of 'Arrested Development,' and there's just something it tickles in me and it's bright and it's hilarious. ~ Keri Russell

I'll never forget my 24th birthday when my tooth got punched out. And for a second I was like, it would be really hilarious if I sold it on eBay. But I can't, that's just too creepy. I don't think I can go there. ~ Evan Rachel Wood

The greater the injury, the greater the fun. ~ Leinad Eibam, A Celebration Of Poets, Summer 2015

Connor and Cameron look wide-eyed at the carnage. Cameron slowed the speedboat down to a crawl. She and Connor looked at Jason.
"Oops," Jason said meekly. Nothing else seemed appropriate.
"Oops?" Connor shouted. "You blew up half the town. ~ Mark A. Cooper

There's been lots of theater that uses hip-hop in it, but more often than not, it's used as a joke - isn't it hilarious that these characters are rapping. I treat it as a musical form, and a musical form that allows you to pack in a ton of lyric. ~ Lin-Manuel Miranda

Those jeans are comfortable, and for those of you who want your president to look great in his tight jeans, I'm sorry I'm not the guy. It just doesn't fit me. I'm not 20. ~ Barack Obama

Where did you get your tat?"
"Aaron's shop. You want to get a tat?" he asked, grinning as if this was hilarious.
"I have one," I said, rolling the ball into the gutter. "It's not finished though."
"How come?"
"My brother interrupted the tattoo and I never had the money to get it done again."
"No, I meant how come you're such a bad bowler? Is it genetic?" he asked. "Like do you come from a long line of people who can't make a ball roll in a straight line?"
"You're hilarious."
"I try, Pixie Dust. ~ Bijou Hunter

Goat screaming videos are hilarious. ~ Miguel

I think Damien Hirst is hilarious. And I think he's a true artist. He's not hilarious first; I think he is a real artist, and I also think he's got an amazing sense of humor. ~ Jemima Kirke

i hate math, but i love counting money ~ Anonymous

Get this: how many Weavers does it take to screw in a light bulb?'

Kate folded her arms, her expression aloof. Acciper pensively scratched his beard, withholding his ignorance.

'One?' ventured Vivian.

Lucian's boyish face split into a grin. His body filled up with the imminent rumble of laughter.

'Two Weavers. One holds the light bulb and the other one spins reality around it. ~ Louise Blackwick

A hard penis has no conscience. ~ Matthew Hardy

Forgive me. I continue to underestimate the breadth of your ignorance. ~ Ransom Riggs

Mockery be damned, my urine looked delicious. ~ Yann Martel

Don't threaten me with a good time. ~ Michael Anthony

If flatness were funny, a dinner plate would be hilarious. ~ Walter Moers

So many hilarious scenes and seductions! ~ Dennis McKay

The principal hindrance to the advancement of the kingdom of God is greed. It is the chief obstacle to heaven-sent revival. It seems that when the back of greed is broken, the human spirit soars into regions of unselfishness. I believe that it is safe to say there can be no continuous revival without 'hilarious' giving. And I fear no contradiction: wherever there is 'hilarious' giving there will soon be revival! ~ O. S. Hawkins

My commentary's hilarious, not witty. ~ Richelle Mead

Come on sweetheart, wet your whistle, my little inanimate hussy." ~Steve ~ Lucian Bane

Is it just me or do they put the MORON in OXYMORON? ~ Melissa Cutler

This is the only naked man that will ever be in my bedroom. ~ Melissa Etheridge

With a cheery delicacy she divided my obsessions into three categories: acceptable, unacceptable, and hilarious. ~ Steve Martin

I realized that no one needed to make fun of liberalism. It was hilarious on its own. ~ Greg Gutfeld

I find it hilarious when Obama's hand gets caught in the cookie jar ~ Allen West

Reading Ellen's hilarious new book. Thirsty for tequila. ~ Ellen DeGeneres

Damn it! I knew she was a monster! John! Amy! Listen! Guard your buttholes. ~ David Wong

Promises are like assholes," Elsbeth pipes up. "They stink when you put your nose in them. ~ Jake Bible

If in doubt, cheese has been always the answer.. ~ Lindsey Kelk

Nothing like a bit of flattery to grease the wheels. ~ Lindsey Kelk

Travel Etiquette: When dealing with foreigners, pretend you are Canadian. ~ Chelsea Handler

Angus ... had hitherto maintained hilarious ease from motives of mental hygiene ... ~ G.K. Chesterton

Has that obscenely rich fucker upset you again? ~ E.L. James

You own your own island?
Doesn't every Greek tycoon? ~ Lynne Graham

I had to admit there was something singularly hilarious about line dancing angrily. ~ Emily Henry

You can be a homicidal madman and hilarious at the same time, you know, ~ Michael Buckley

Drunken behavior will not be tolerated, except by those who are being hilarious. ~ Demetri Martin

My life is an open book. With illustrations. ~ Hugh Hefner

Multi-Choice question: My dishwasher is: efficient; hilarious. ~ Demetri Martin

Life is abysmal hilarious if you have the eyes to see. ~ Stefan Emunds

Love is messy. I want that. ~ Leah Konen

A monkey could do my job better and with more hilarious results. ~ Marie-Helene Bertino

Unintentional foreshadowing is unintentionally hilarious. ~ Sarah Wendell

The most hilarious person ever is God ~ Alzenati Zenati

Hilarious, insightful, and smart. A must-read for anyone who wears clothes. ~ Chelsea Handler

Huh," said Percy. "Never seen Jason fly before. He looks like a blond superman. ~ Rick Riordan

Wise Child: Why don't you beat me then?
Juniper: I can't be bothered. ~ Monica Furlong

Sometimes things need shaking up. You've got to test the limits. ~ Lindsey Kelk

Your brother is hilarious! And possibly gayEntangled by Cat Clarke ~ Cat Clarke

He even dressed up for you. He only has one stain on his t-shirt.- Rylie Cruz ~ Rose Pressey

the latest antics of Kitty, who had chased a fly over a washtub with hilarious but soaking results. ~ Kellyn Roth

Nicolas Morganti had stalked back into her life, stamped his foot, and demanded to stay. ~ Michele De Winton

I was thrilled, heartbroken, hilarious, insane. ~ Kurt Vonnegut Jr.

When you exclude anything that is improbable, whatever is left, is not as hilarious. ~ Oleg Medvedkov

He's got this gleam in his blue eyes, like Mike being alive is just hilarious. ~ S.J. Goslee

Jason: Holy crap, is that a bathtub at the foot of your bed? That's awesome! Can I join?
Julia: Hilarious. ~ Lauren Morrill

A few glasses of wine can be the difference between finding a man a hilarious companion or an insufferable moron. ~ Joe Abercrombie

- Why did blondes vote for Clinton?
- They didn't know how to read and thought she can make their life hilarious! ~ Bryanna Reid

(Matty) 'I'm going to a corn maze.'
(Elliot) 'Oh, bitch. You've lost your ever-loving mind. ~ Leta Blake