Chelsea Handler Quotes

If someone took the 'F' letter off me, I'd be ucked. ~ Chelsea Handler

Hilarious, insightful, and smart. A must-read for anyone who wears clothes. ~ Chelsea Handler

My negotiation skills are are on par with George Bush's reading ability. And just like Dubya, every time I've tried to put forth an effort, I am reminded that my only true strength lies in drinking. ~ Chelsea Handler

The only people I owe an apology to are my dead parents. Except my father because he's still alive. ~ Chelsea Handler

I'm really into the human interest thing. I really like regular people. ~ Chelsea Handler

Personally, I'd have a baby just for the epidural. ~ Chelsea Handler

Now picture the suspenders attached to a pair of sweatpants. This vision is what first led me to coin the term camel balls. ~ Chelsea Handler

When you interview celebrities, they're so guarded so many times, they can't reveal anything. ~ Chelsea Handler

You get photographed together when there's 25 people with you and people assume that you're having sex, which is definitely not the case. ~ Chelsea Handler

I think comedy has to come from your authentic point of view. ~ Chelsea Handler

I will probably have sex with Eminem after the show is over. Probably, I dont see why I wouldnt. Im fair game, its not like Im that picky, youve seen the guys Ive dated. I like Swizz Beatz, just because I would like to yell out in bed, Swizz Beatz! Keep it coming! ~ Chelsea Handler

If diamonds are a girl's best friend, I wonder if blood diamonds are a girl's best friend 5 days out of the month? ~ Chelsea Handler

There's a reason you never see anyone's house with a Beware of Cat sign. Because they're not even worth mentioning. ~ Chelsea Handler

You do not OWN a dog. You HAVE a dog. And the dog HAS YOU ~ Chelsea Handler

It's good that people don't like you. That's good. It means that you are doing something interesting. ~ Chelsea Handler

Some people have a phobia of midgets. They're, like, scared of them. I have the opposite - I see them, and I want to hold them down, cuddle them, be like, 'Come here, you little nugget. Who's your mommy now?' So cute! ~ Chelsea Handler

I always thought to myself, 'I don't want to be doing stand-up when I'm 40 years old.' ~ Chelsea Handler

I would rather sit next to a transgender person and discuss why every single one I've met smells like a bar in the daytime than listen to people tell my why I want to have children and that I just don't know it yet. I do know, because I'm me and my feelings are the ones in my head. I don't want to have kids, and it's not a device to get attention or have conversations about it. I simply find children incredibly immature and, more often than not, dumb. ~ Chelsea Handler

I met my first midget in Mexico, and he was a waiter with a sombrero on his head, filled with chips and salsa. Like I was gonna let that guy get away - I don't think so. ~ Chelsea Handler

I try not to apologize, especially publicly. That's a slippery slope, because I'm a comedian. If you take anything I'm saying too seriously, then you shouldn't be paying attention in the first place. If you find me offensive, don't follow me. ~ Chelsea Handler

I can't," I said. "I threw my back out masturbating. ~ Chelsea Handler

Your lack of geographical knowledge is truly astounding. ~ Chelsea Handler

Paris Hilton is one of the hosts for Nicole Richie's baby shower, and they're serving sushi. Awesome, Paris - sushi, the one thing pregnant women are forbidden to eat. Thanks for the mercury. ~ Chelsea Handler

I hate when men think that money is gonna buy you happiness ... I mean, it helps. ~ Chelsea Handler

It takes me a while to get my appetite going when I wake up early. ~ Chelsea Handler

Without ruining the ending, the gist is that he's a gay reindeer who can't afford a nose job, but he becomes a superstar in the end. It's all very inspirational. It turns out that, just like Rudolph, what I initially considered to be such a negative is, in fact, the very thing that has made me stand out. Not to sound preachy, but accepting my voice has given me the confidence I've needed to pursue my dreams. And just like Seal rocks his facial scars, Cindy Crawford works her mole, and Barbra Streisand wins every race by a nose, I hope you're inspired to make the most of your possibly less-than-perfect trademark, too. ~ Chelsea Handler

I went out with a guy who once told me I didn't need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I'm drinking so that you're more fun to be around. ~ Chelsea Handler

How could I have missed the opportunity to pop pills with my sister who was purer than a Quaker? ~ Chelsea Handler

I'm a standup comedian, so I need people. ~ Chelsea Handler

It's hard on an all-gay softball team because no one knows if they want to be a pitcher or a catcher. ~ Chelsea Handler

I wanted to learn how to forgive ~ Chelsea Handler

I hated Big. I hated everything about him and this story line. First of all, it didn't make any sense that he was getting out of the car to tell her he would marry her and never once said that when she's throwing the flowers at him. I wanted Big dead. I wanted to take the fork that was sitting in my bathroom and stab him in the eyes, right where he has those big puffy circles under them. Stupid-ass shitstain motherfucker. Then Carrie wastes all of her energy being mad at Miranda when the real problem was and always will be Charlotte. Forget what Miranda told Big about getting married. How about being mad at Charlotte for being so stupid? The only decent thing Charlotte's ever done on the show or in the movie is shit her pants, and that does not make up for years of Type 1 retardation. My ~ Chelsea Handler

You look at, like, a 'People' magazine, which used to be a really good, you know, nice magazine you could go to for real stories. It wasn't like a 'Star' or an 'US Weekly' and they have somebody with plastic surgery on the cover, Heidi Montag. And it's obviously what consumers want, because why else would they be doing it? ~ Chelsea Handler

This is no way to run a business," I told Dim Sum, and then looked at Tons of Fun. "And you might want to lay off the carbs, you fucking wildebeest. ~ Chelsea Handler

Listen, Dim Sum, you little fuck fuck, I didn't pay a hundred dollars for a fucking towel rub. ~ Chelsea Handler

Jennifer Aniston is one of the most down-to-earth, low-key people I know. ~ Chelsea Handler

I had sex with a couple guys but it wasn't a baseball team. I saved that for my twenties. ~ Chelsea Handler

David Hasselhoff was hospitalized after falling off the wagon again. He probably got used to drinking too much, because for years he never had to worry about driving anywhere - his car drove itself. ~ Chelsea Handler

Lydia was the kind of friend whom people referred to as a 'party favor'
always fun to be around but she doesn't have any patience for suffering unless it's her own. ~ Chelsea Handler

We would parachute in like typical asshole Americans and be completely clueless about what kind of trip we were actually on, asking questions like, "When do we start shooting the animals? Where is the freshest sushi? When do we meet Aretha Franklin, and where are the squash courts?" I'd also insist on hunting live lobster and killing it with my handgun. ~ Chelsea Handler

Every time John Travolta assaults a masseur, a scientologist gets their wings. ~ Chelsea Handler

I was lying here watching Dr. Phil, who, by the way, has some anger management issues. Doesn't his wife Robin look like she's been hypnotized? I feel like he goes home and beats her. The guy's an egomaniac and he's not doing a very [sic] job of covering it up by pretending to be interested in other people's problems. ~ Chelsea Handler

I didn't really spend much time with anyone my own age during high school because I believed my true calling would be representing New Jersey in the U.S. Senate, and if that didn't work out, I could always fall back on becoming an Olympic pole vaulter. ~ Chelsea Handler

I could tell the raciest things these women had ever been involved in was a co-ed game of Connect Four. ~ Chelsea Handler

Have you ever been to an AA meeting? No wonder these people are alcoholics - I've never needed a drink more badly in my life. ~ Chelsea Handler

Every time I enter a country and have to write down my occupation at customs, I'm like, 'I don't know ... Author? Host? Writer? Stand-up?' I usually write 'author' - that's the safest bet. ~ Chelsea Handler

According to Life & Style, Lance Armstrong was seen canoodling with fitness model Kim Strother, and the night before, he was with Ashley Olsen. He's going from bar to bar picking up women - how does he get them home? Does he put them on the handlebars, or does he have a banana seat? ~ Chelsea Handler

It's hard to tell these days what gender people are. You don't know if they're gay, if they're straight, or Bruce Jenner. ~ Chelsea Handler

Hulk Hogan's wife has filed for divorce. This is the most devastating breakup since Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee. And then Pam Anderson and Kid Rock. And soon, Pam Anderson and Rick Salomon. ~ Chelsea Handler

I can't be skinny all the time. I like to drink and I like to eat. I like burgers and bagels. ~ Chelsea Handler

I can remember my first one-night stand like it was yesterday. Well, maybe not the first. Or the second ... or the fifth. I'll just begin with what I can remember and not concern myself with order. ~ Chelsea Handler

I want to start saying bad words all the time! ~ Chelsea Handler

Or people who have one baby and go buy a minivan ... how big is your baby? ~ Chelsea Handler

I have no doubt that my mother's pregnancy with me was an accident. Mostly because on several occasions, she told me I was an accident. ~ Chelsea Handler

I want to educate people and deliver news that isn't just surrounded by Charlie Sheen. I'd like to be able to do the serious stuff in conjunction with the comedy. ~ Chelsea Handler

A Muslim allowed a topless Jew to sit on his camel. And we say we can't live side by side? I say we try and we can and we will. And you don't even have to be topless. L'chaim. ~ Chelsea Handler

After discovering him in his threesome, I spent the next two weeks in bed suffering from a severe case of vagina elbow. It's a condition not unlike tennis elbow, but you get it from masturbating. ~ Chelsea Handler

Something is definitely wrong with my feelings about marriage and procreation. I worry that not only am I missing the chromosome that allows me to dance respectably, but that I am also lacking a conventional vagina. ~ Chelsea Handler

The last time a straight man worked in the fashion industry, we got a fanny pack. ~ Chelsea Handler

Even if times are tough and you're enduring a terrible heartache, it's important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person. ~ Chelsea Handler

I'm not graceful either. I have no rhythm, I'm never on top. ~ Chelsea Handler

I like to celebrate my life. I have a life that I'm really lucky to have, and so I want to make sure every minute counts and that I go on great vacations and I share my memories with people that I love and that will make me laugh and lalalalalala. ~ Chelsea Handler

Some men are just disgusted with me and think I should have my mouth sewn shut. ~ Chelsea Handler

Christina Aguilera finally announced her pregnancy. Thanks for waiting until your third trimester to get the word out - why not just wait until you're crowning? ~ Chelsea Handler

George Clooney and Fabio apparently got into a scuffle at a restaurant in Los Angeles over the weekend. George thought the women with Fabio were taking pictures of him. How embarrassed is George Clooney to be in a fight with Fabio? Who is he going to call out next, Lorenzo Lamas? ~ Chelsea Handler

Angelina Jolie's older brother James Haven, the one she made out with, has a license plate on his SUV that reads Shiloh. Maybe it's not that weird. After all, he could be the father. ~ Chelsea Handler

I tried to put myself up for adoption several times. ~ Chelsea Handler

And by the way, the fact that she's not speaking to anyone in her family is a pretty good indicator that she is the problem. ~ Chelsea Handler

Britney Spears' album Blackout is one of the hottest-selling CDs in the country. We're in a bad place, people: The world is melting, we're at war, and Two and a Half Men is a huge hit. ~ Chelsea Handler

If you're really looking to hurt somebody's feelings, just break up with them. ~ Chelsea Handler

She told me that she liked white people but didn't have any close white friends and asked if I was interested in cross-pollinating. I told her we would see how things went but not to put the chicken wing before the egg. We grew to be fast friends, and a couple ~ Chelsea Handler

I think the people in your life are the people that - when you can make other people happy and you can give things to your family and your friends, you know, that's really obviously what life is all about. But it doesn't have to be children. It doesn't have to be a husband. It can be whatever you make it. ~ Chelsea Handler

I love a stupid joke, something that doesn't make any sense. ~ Chelsea Handler

I had to leave my parents to love them again. I had to move across the country to appreciate that I actually had any pull toward them - that I needed them. I had to get away from them in order to come back to them. I'd like to say they did the best they could, but that couldn't have been their best. I wasn't doing my best either, so the idea that everyone is always doing the best they can is a trope. Some people are just interested in surviving; doing their best doesn't even occur to them. ~ Chelsea Handler

Anyone who's married to Mariah Carey - I'm pretty sure - doesn't have a great sense of humor. I mean, let's be honest: she's ridiculous. What is her game plan? ~ Chelsea Handler

I do think about marriage, but it's not the end-all goal. ~ Chelsea Handler

I wish it was that easy to get turned on for me - at this point, I need a bottle of Belevere and a fighterjet. ~ Chelsea Handler

I have a huge impact with young girls. Young women. That's my demographic. ~ Chelsea Handler

There's times where you think, 'Gosh, what if nobody ever wants to hear what I have to say?' ~ Chelsea Handler

Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family. ~ Chelsea Handler

I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker. ~ Chelsea Handler

I'm not friends with any of my exes, and I've never understood the appeal. ~ Chelsea Handler

No one has ever said to me 'go home and make a baby.' I have been told several times to go to Planned Parenthood and make the baby go away. Happy Hannukah. ~ Chelsea Handler

I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people. ~ Chelsea Handler

I love Sandra Bullock. I think everybody loves her. ~ Chelsea Handler

My mother is European and expresses her love through food and cuddling. She wasn't the type of mother who would make it to school plays or soccer games, but if you wanted to stay at home sick, she was your girl. Whenever you'd go up to her room to cuddle with her, she'd pull out a Kit Kat or Snickers bar from her night table and look at you with dancing eyes. ~ Chelsea Handler

You don't mess with janitors, first of all, they have like 40 keys, and 1 is to a closet you don't want to be inside of. ~ Chelsea Handler

This women/ killer was a testament to my theory that the crazier you are, the more calories you burn. That's why psychos are always so skinny. ~ Chelsea Handler

Can you imagine peaking as a teen? I think if you peak in high school, there's a problem. That's what my sister always said: 'Don't worry, you'll peak later.' ~ Chelsea Handler

It's been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be. ~ Chelsea Handler

I'll tell you what can make bacon better ... nothing. ~ Chelsea Handler

According to Life & Style Weekly, 50 Cent may be working on Lindsay Lohan's next album. Finally, a match made in rap heaven. He's a convicted drug dealer who's been shot nine times, and she spent 84 minutes in prison. This is a big step for Lindsay. The last time Lindsay got near a black guy she ran over his foot. ~ Chelsea Handler

We're seeking out such grossness in human behavior and want such mindless entertainment. 'The Real Housewives of Atlanta' and some of these other shows are more racist. Or '16 and Pregnant.' Getting rewarded for being pregnant when you're a teenager? Are you serious? ~ Chelsea Handler

It's a dream come true to have someone else portray me. Because I've been living this life for a long time, and I'm over myself. ~ Chelsea Handler

I remember having a conversation with my sister, saying, 'What if I don't make it? What if I'm still waiting tables when I'm 35?' I was just at the end of my rope. But I've been at the end of that rope several times. ~ Chelsea Handler

I once waited on a group of 10 people, and one guy collected the money from the check and tipped me $20 on $600. I told him in front of everyone, 'Jews like you give Jews like me a bad name.' That was my last waitressing job. ~ Chelsea Handler

You should always speak your mind and be bold and obnoxious and do whatever you want and dont let anybody tell you to stop it ~ Chelsea Handler

There's a difference between racism and people making a joke about something. There is true racism going on, and people should be able to identify what that is, comparatively. ~ Chelsea Handler

First of all, i'm not an actor - I'm an asshole. ~ Chelsea Handler

I had always dreamed of being a professional escort but never thought that there was any real money in it. ~ Chelsea Handler