Greg Gutfeld Quotes

Magic Johnson links his HIV and treatment to health care as though ObamaCare would provide the same level of care that a mega rich celebrity would get. Is he going to dump his coverage? Is he going to dump it and sign up for ObamaCare?

We need somebody that can unify a country in spite of a vocal powerful media that's intent on division. It's not about winning the media. It's about winning the people, and I don't think it's necessarily persuasive to eat - to cannibalize yourself. I think that you have to pick the winner.

If America was a house, the Left would root for the termites.

The great thing about being rich is, you can embrace practices that kill the poor - that's what socialism does.

Playboy seems like a sad magazine for me. It seems like for men who would sit around in a bath robe.

When one becomes a liberal, he or she pretends to advocate tolerance, equality and peace, but hilariously, they're doing so for purely selfish reasons. It's the human equivalent of a puppy dog's face: an evolutionary tool designed to enhance survival, reproductive value and status. In short, liberalism is based on one central desire: to look cool in front of others in order to get love. Preaching tolerance makes you look cooler, than saying something like, 'please lower my taxes.'

Private citizens and companies are always seen as evil and greedy, because they want to profit. But the government picks your pocket any chance it can get, but they're never called greedy.

Trying to be cool, as a goal, forces you to ignore any lessons ingrained by the people who made you.

I have friends my age who started smoking pot when they got out of college. They didn't get anywhere. But if they drank, they managed to go somewhere. Does that make sense?

What I'm going to miss is the competition, being, that's OK, I can watch from the house.

We need to remember who the enemy is, and then we need to eat them alive.

When you start replacing facts with feelings, you disturb the equilibrium between right and wrong, confusing them as one and the same while encouraging more destructive behavior. As a stigma is erased, a behavior becomes more prevalent.

It's great that Mommy and Daddy did all that uncool work, so you could sit in your air-conditioned classroom and shit all over them, to the approving eye of your ponytailed professor.

The Islamophobia phobes, (ph) the writers and the editors and the talking heads who deny an existence of evil while blaming those who speak up. There no difference - different than the apologists for communism. As communism killed millions, they, they denied it.

Over youth, glamour, and glibness. Fashion has no use for Mitts. But the funny thing about cool? It's not cool. At all. In fact, what's truly cool is the rebellion against the perceived,

The problem with leftism as a vice is that everyone else is stuck with the hangover.

That was pretty easy, and I wrote it while delousing my pet tapir.

The world understands that our country could solve all conflicts with military solutions, but we won't because we have leaders and we have a moral responsibility but we have also have a political - we have a political leader who is scared and who is raised on the idea that American force is the true evil.

I realized that no one needed to make fun of liberalism. It was hilarious on its own.

The most problematic word in America is the word "problematic." It's a wuss word used by people to silence language without actually saying that they want to silence you. They don't want to go full fascist.

Ask dumb questions and listen quietly for the answers. That's a wisdom stair climber.

The cities are full of women falling for the cool loser: the man trafficking in "edgy" so women cut him slack in his more loathsome behaviors. Christ, I know so many, it's sad. Please accept my flaws (and pay my rent) because I can play guitar! Badly.

Separately.) The truth is that conservatives do have the cool message.

Cool is identified only by defining others as uncool. The velvet rope excludes before it invites.

92 people are killed every single day in car fatalities. What if we filmed every one of them? No one would drive cars.

Republicans are systematically and deliberately trying to stop millions of American citizens from voting. What part of democracy are they afraid of? I call on Republicans at all levels of government, with all manner of ambition, to stop fear mongering about a phantom epidemic of election fraud. I'm calling for universal, automatic voter registration, every citizen in every state in the union.

[In] 2010, Woody Allen said that he felt Barack Obama should be a dictator so that he could get things done, and the first thing obviously that Woody Allen wanted done is to make it legal to have sex with stepdaughters.

ObamaCare is creating nothing but misery for everybody.

Celebrities are the doormats to power.

Ocean privilege does not exist anymore. The world is small. We cannot rely on distance anymore.

Politicians, you know Harry Reid hates you. We get it. But when somebody from "The New York Times" or "The Washington Post" is saying this stuff, that's different, that's offensive, that's wrong.

Being a conservative on campus is like bing a goat amongst the taliban. You are never safe.

A Smith & Wesson does more for empowering women than Feminism ever could

Steer clear of pot. It's an ambition zapper. Wait till you've made it. When you're 45 buy a bong. But for now, buy a suit.

I know that if I say something that's considered outrageous, a group will take it, create an email blast, and use me to raise money or to do whatever, to build their profile.

Is your relationship strong enough to survive a trip to Ikea? Is their furniture strong enough to survive a relationship? Have you ever bought a bed there?

Fake sympathy is the politicians demanding more cash as they ignore the underlying crisis. They prefer money over morality.

There are more things I refuse to tolerate (pretentious music criticism, clove cigarettes, slow-moving ceiling fans, restaurant hostesses who pretend they own the joint, people who walk and text on a crowded sidewalk, Hostess Snowballs, people who drop subzero in their conversation when they aren't talking about the Arctic winds, people who bring their own bedroom pillows onto flights, pharmacists who yell out your prescription in front of other customers, Time Warner Cable, Sting's chest hair) but I'll get into that later.... I may not do that...though, because I refuse to tolerate lists. They're lazy. And listy.

The inevitability of abortion. But I refuse to accept the amoral consequences that are even far worse than that, which is harvesting them because we decided that as an adult society, we can use children to make our lives better, if you seek the reverse.

The only candidate I'd allow to play my music would be Bigfoot, and unless we're talking about foraging for squirrels, he's notoriously apolitical.

It's easy to whip up resentment against anything that smacks with authority. Nobody ever organizes over pan handlers. So even if a cop is black, like the three arrested in Baltimore, or one dead in Mississippi, the hard left uses race as the underlying cause. It's why there are no defiant marches when policemen are killed.

Look, this debate is basic: it's small government vs. big government. So how cowardly do folks like Blood and Frank Rich have to be that they can't man up and defend their love for collectivism? The only reason they scream race, is because that debate scares them. They know a racial accusation prevents dialogue, because such a harmful charge far outweighs any benefits of winning an argument.

Embracing amnesty and open borders. Sure, other countries have borders (the ones most people are fleeing from), but discussing the possibility of an American border is smeared as racist - the

Eric Holder sees everything through the prism of race. He keeps that mustache because shaving cream is white.

In the world of pop stardom, what is mistaken for rebellion? A mediocre artist who spouts political beliefs that most freshmen in high school could have come up with after huffing Glade.

People ask me what I am politically and I've previously offered this equation: I became a conservative by being around liberals. And I became a libertarian after being around conservatives.

But for the rest of us, cool has a shelf life. If you're a quarterback in high school, you're cool. But ten years later, working as a sullen bouncer at the only nightclub in town, your "cool" is on life support. Which is why so many young girls who never said no end up with losers in pants hanging below their asses and no known income to speak of. These cads were charming in high school; now they're as useless as shoulder pads on a snake.

When you have a TV show or when you are running a magazine, you have to remember that your audience isn't rich. They're not made of money.

The problem with the immigration debate, it's probably is the most poisoned and political debate of any issue, because you have this huge voting bloc that everybody says is yours

I admire President Obama's ability to trust strangers.

Military simulation is an important way of training people for an emergency

There are also hunger strikes. Hunger strikes are noble and sometimes necessary. If you're a political prisoner in China or North Korea (where the entire country is on a hunger strike, not by choice), I get it. For you, it's life or death. But at Harvard, it's about a press clipping and maybe getting a better grade or a higher class of hand job. So when an undergrad adopts a hunger strike in order to get someone to divest from oil, I say, let the twerp starve. Most of them are overfed, pudgy masses of soft tissue - it wouldn't hurt if these sad sacks lost a few pounds. They might even understand the plight of the average Venezuelan, who operates under conditions American activists see as utopian, when they're really nightmarish. How about the next time one of our coeds feels a hunger strike coming on, we exchange her with someone who's genuinely starving?

It's not enough to be right because he [Rick Perry] is right, you got to be persuasively right, got to be intellectually agile, and I think he can do it.

Incidentally, if you really think organic means pure, then you're in for a helluva heartbreak. Organic farms do use pesticides and, as reported by Brian Palmer in Slate, organic wine needs eighty times more fertilizer than conventional vino.

It was then that I realized that while playing the well-meaning tolerant individual (in short: liberal) garnered you fans and grades, it didn't matter. In my heart and head, I was a fraud.

The media treats fear like a one-night stand. They jump on it and then they leave the next day and they forget - remember the Alar Scare? Things - see, nobody even remembers Alar.

I think the reason why 'Red Eye' is popular is because we question the common assumptions that you find elsewhere.

American people, what about the American people? I think the president delights in the fact that they have been roofied by technology and pop culture. They're not conscious to any expansion of power, which is why they're happy to exist in this dependant decline.

Unlike those who fight truly intolerant things like terrorism throughout the world, Madonna is really the lone brave voice in the wilderness standing up against evil.

I'm thinking about American votes and American - all Americans, black or white have to be concerned about what's happening in the world.

I've always wondered, how did Hitler get away with so much for so long?

The irony of prison is that it takes years and years and years to plan an elaborate escape, but all you have is years and years and years.

There's an argument that celebrities stop growing mentally the moment they reach stardom and then they just - everything goes away. I think that's true.

In the old days feminists would mock women who depended so much on a man. Today if the man is the government, not so much. A man who opens the door for you is a Neanderthal; a bureaucrat who pays for your pills? A hero.

Why is our media quick to find evil in our local police, but tnot in Islamic terror?

Essentially, the Tea Party are the Hell's Angels, but with sun visors instead of switch blades. They push macaroni instead of meth. Mess with the Tea Party and they'll put your dog in an American flag sweater on a hot day.

We need an idiot middle ground, where we have to be honest and say, kids can be idiots and cops can be idiots.

We're already going down that path with illegal drug use and incarceration. I can't imagine it getting any worse.

The beauty of progress is that it makes it easier for you to carve out a space to be nonproductive.

If Russia, if Russia had the same military power that America did, earth would be called Russia.

It goes back to the if identity becomes your achievement, what do you do, this is what happens? And I do think it leads to psychological disorders. You have to start doing things and stop thinking about yourself.

So the villains aren't gay-hating Islamists or women killing tyrants, but actually us: an American Congress bent on the apocalypse. Don't we understand? Iranians love their children too.

Compare Russell Brand with Mark Levin. My politics align more with Levin, but Brand still makes me giggle. And I hate his politics. He's a piece of hairy dog shit, but he's quick-witted - and that makes him a persuasive piece of hairy dog shit.

I never quit. I just got fired.

The cool hate nothing more than when a genuinely original thinker rejects them. The cool need recruits to survive. Teens that reject them with a smile on their face destroy the most destructive movement in modern civilization. Rejecting cool, these brave kids help build the muscles of their ego and self-esteem that will be invaluable when they hit the real world. And when - inevitably - the real world hits them.

I don't like the way my hair looks, so we're going to do the whole show over.

Good people suddenly don't turn bad.

Makes me want to go to leave the United States and go to a more sensible place, like Texas.

The [Confederate] Flag is - literally - sewed division. People claim it means different things to different people, but it harkens back to the pro-slavery side of the war.

I would like to see a president with a monocle.

Some things get better with age. And then there's Madonna.

The first mistake is trying to explain morality to a terrorist. Like trying to teach a rock to drive. It is impossible.

Adults use children in order to survive because now, we have this [kids] tissue that can allow us to live longer. And once you've accepted this idea that you can use this tissue to make yourself healthier, what's to stop you from making it into a nutritional supplement? What's to stop you from any kind of weird, bizarre, amoral act because you've already made the leap?

They [policemen] are in a profession that if you do the job incorrectly, or proceeding incorrectly, it's over for you because there isn't any supporter backup. If you make a mistake as a plumber, you know, you fix it and everything goes on or you get sued. But if you make a mistake as a cop, you are more infamous than Jesse James, everything's over.

[If Republicans] got to put their kids into public school. They got to take public health. They would become libertarian faster than you could say Ayn Rand.

The metric system was designed to get people to enter charity runs.Do you think you would go run a 3.1 mile race? No, but if somebody says, hey, 5 km. You go, 5km sounds pretty impressive.

The joy of hate reflects people who get off pretending to hate something, or hate you, in order to score political points. I call them the 'tolerati' - you know, a group of people who claim to be tolerant, except when they run into someone who disagrees with them.

We have two nations, and it's not black or white. It's red and blue. Under Republican leadership, cities tend to do better. Cities are destroyed under Democrats, because they don't know how to deal with the constituency; they're terrified.

Let's admit that feminism came from liberalism and it was very positive. But then it went dark. Feminism replaced biology with social construct. Like you didn't achieve what you could get because it was your fault. They denied traits that are applied across all cultures. And that's where feminism went wrong is it denied biology and makes them look foolish.

When you talk about Islamic terror. You go, oh, you're an Islamic - you're Islamophobic because you besmirching all Muslims. No. I'm talking about Islamic terror.

They say: "We're all immigrants." They mean: You hate brown people. You say: "I'm just for a line. Stand in line, asshole.

Al Gore completely lied about climate change in an effort to make a lot of money.

I want to make a positive point of Ikea. It makes income inequality a minor distraction.

The thing which Reagan did, which was great, was he won the people. He marginalized the media. And that's what you need, an intellectual agility.

Al Sharpton chases the spotlight the way Obama chases golf balls

The problem with Republicans and Conservatives is we attack each other.

Believe he should have to actually "work" like the rest of us and he thinks the constituents

America is like the greatest hit of the world.

If you're hiring, if you're the person doing the hiring, forgive a scar or two. Remember that when we were young, we were also idiots. There were just no cameras there to catch it.

Sanctuary cities are a lot like hitchhiking. And the abstract, it feels really good until you feel dead.