Book Humor Quotes

My ears are too beeg for my head. My head ees too beeg for my body. I am not a Siamese cat ... I AM A CHIHUAHUA!
Skippyjon Jones (In his very best Spanish accent) ~ Judy Schachner

I try to avoid having thoughts. They lead to other thoughts, and - if you're not careful - those lead to actions. Actions make you tired. I have this on rather good authority from someone who once read it in a book. ~ Brandon Sanderson

B looked down the shaft, at a metal ladder and darkness beyond. "Me first?"
Of course. You're the apprentice, so you always go first into the unknown. If anyone's going to be eaten by a grue, it should be you."
Tough job. But at least the hours are terrible. ~ Tim Pratt

I immediately went out and bought a book on anger management. And now I have that book, and I don't know if I'll get to the book. But I'm certainly excited about the day where I can't find the book, and I get to say, 'Where the hell is my anger management book?!' ~ Marc Maron

The day it went live on Kindle, 33 people visited my web site. I wish they'd all bought the book. ~ Marilynn Larew

If you enjoy books with happy endings than you are better off reading some other book. ~ Lemony Snicket

She even tried the one which every romantic nerve in her body insisted should work, which consisted of theatrically giving up, sitting down, and letting her glance fall naturally on a patch of earth which, if she had been in any decent narrative, should have contained the book.
It didn't. ~ Terry Pratchett

I've just finished my book, I wrote it on penguins. Come to think of it, paper would have been better. ~ Milton Jones

I look at life like a big book and sometimes you get half way through it and go 'Even though I've been enjoying it, I've had enough. Give us another book ~ Karl Pilkington

Come on sweetheart, wet your whistle, my little inanimate hussy." ~Steve ~ Lucian Bane

The answer to all of life's problems are out there somewhere its just a question of finding the right book ~ Tammy Blackwell

If you stand to close to your reflection you do not see the full picture of who you are. When one heart speaks, other hearts cannot help but listen. Always keep your mouth closed when cleaning the toilet. All from my book. ~ Richard Bell

Most of you probably didn't know that I have a new book out. Some guy put together a collection of my wit and wisdom - or, as he calls it, my accidental wit and wisdom. But I'm kind of proud that my words are already in book form. ~ George W. Bush

I would have understood if they had killed him. ~ L.J.Smith

I can't believe Mr. Leto wouldn't let us do our classics report on Twilight. It is a classic."
I laughed, momentarily forgetting about the job I had to do. "Twilight is not a classic, Stacey."
"Edward is definitely a classic in my book. ~ Jennifer L. Armentrout

Steal not this book for fear of shame
For on it is the owners name
And when you die the Lord will say
Where is the book you stole away
And when you say you do not know
The Lord will say go down below. ~ L.M. Montgomery

I'm writing a book about Siamese Twins that are attached at the nose. It's called: Stop Staring at Me! ~ Zach Galifianakis

How about I call you when I finish this?"
"But you don't even have my phone number," he said.
"I strongly suspect you write it in the book. ~ John Green

Trellis wants his salutary book to be read by all. He realizes that purely a moralizing tract would not reach the public. Therefore he is putting plenty of smut into his book. ~ Flann O'Brien

In theory it was, around now, Literature. Susan hated Literature. She'd much prefer to read a good book. ~ Terry Pratchett

My father quoted Shakespeare to me often and when I lay a book down with splayed pages he told me better to be cruel to animals, children even, but never so cruelly treat a book. ~ Christine Wade

I've never done this before. I didn't go to human bars. Mudslides aside, I'm not much of a drinker. Club people are not my people. Now, book-club people - ~ Molly Harper

No matter what happens, just read a book if you want read a book. ~ Anonymous

True Devdas are Authors ~ Santosh Avvannavar

Jill showed friend Kay the cute white mice.
They liked to run races for cheese.
Mice were lots of fun to play with.
Jill said, "Take Poopsie, the male one, please! ~ Melinda K. Trotter

This is very similar to the suggestion put forward by the Quirmian philosopher Ventre, who said, "Possibly the gods exist, and possibly they do not. So why not believe in them in any case? If it's all true you'll go to a lovely place when you die, and if it isn't then you've lost nothing, right?" When he died he woke up in a circle of gods holding nasty-looking sticks and one of them said, "We're going to show you what we think of Mr Clever Dick in these parts ... ~ Terry Pratchett

The fact that the biblical book Hebrews is not an epistle of St Paul, or of any other apostle, is proved by what it says in chapter two ... ~ Martin Luther

Give your brain a break and read a book. ~ Jeff Lyon

No hens or foxes were harmed in the making of this book. ~ Kate Read

Well I'm looking at history," she said, pointing at me. "You used to be a friend, but now you stink as a friend! I came here to give you a second chance and you make me smell the crotch of an old book. ~ Jack Gantos

Sometimes I want to slap some of the characters with their own book. ~ Anonymous

Your boyfriend smells bad, says Sarah as she sniffs the armpit of the giant sweatshirt.
All boys smell bad I say and she nods her head like we have just figured out something very important. ~ Amy Reed

A body is a body." Viscarro shrugged his bony shoulders. "Dead, alive, alive, dead. I fail to see the importance of the distinction."
Yeah? So you'd just as soon fuck a living person as a dead one? What's the point of the distinction? Oh, right-one's normal, and one's called necrophilia."
Viscarro sighed. "Touche, I suppose. ~ Tim Pratt

I can't not put humor in a book. ~ Albert Brooks

My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian ... ~ Jimmy Carr

Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book. ~ Ronald Reagan

It takes more than genius to keep me reading a book. ~ E.B. White

Maybe we should all just shut up and read a good book. ~ Mary Sisney

My ambition was to embrace those general qualities that Ernest Hemingway, a former newspaperman, once said should be present in all good books: 'the good and the bad, the ecstasy, the remorse and sorrow, the people and the places and how the weather was.' ~ Pete Hamill

Who confers reputation? who gives respect and veneration to persons, to books, to great men? Who but Opinion? How utterly insufficient are all the riches of the world without her approbation! ~ Blaise Pascal

Reading is a conversation. All books talk. But a good book listens as well. ~ Mark Haddon

I like people who love books and movies and art and want to talk about it all the time, because that's basically what I want to talk about. Intellectuals that are funny. ~ Greta Gerwig

This man doesn't deserve to be named, he deserves to be dead, and that is your mission. You retrieve our property and you destroy any evidence that this piece of shit ever lived. ~ Ana Elise Meyer

There are still some terrible cliches in the presentation of Indian fiction. The lotus flower. The hennaed hands. In mainland Europe, people still slap these images on my books and I go bananas. ~ Hari Kunzru

I think probably the qualities that I look for in a man are somewhat different than they were before I became a public person, but not that much different. I think that, sort of, the element of trust is certainly much bigger for me, but the other things that - the other qualities, intelligence and kindness and sense of humor, those things. ~ Monica Lewinsky

I got a hotel room at New York New York in Las Vegas and I was very happy. They've got that rollercoaster encircling the entire premises, just like Manhattan. ~ Mitch Hedberg

Tru only matched his grin and walked on. Pen caught up with him, tugging on his arm. "What is it?"
"I took a walk yesterday when you were working."
"A walk."
"Yup."
"Had you shifted?"
"Yes, I had."
Pen caught his humor, although she couldn't understand its origins.
"And?"
"I may have used their freshwater reserves as a latrine. And then encouraged the other skinwalkers to do the same."
She giggled like a little girl being told a dirty joke.
"That's remarkably crude."
"I like to think of it as clever and resourceful."
"That, too. ~ Ellen Connor

The trouble with aggressive nonsmokers is that they feel they are doing you a favor by not allowing you to smoke. They seem to think that one day you'll look back and thank them for those precious fifteen seconds they just added to your life. What they don't understand is that those are just fifteen more seconds you can spend hating their guts and plotting revenge. ~ David Sedaris

Oh, and I need to known where Jersey is and if I have enough money to buy it. ~ Anna Banks

With a book, she could at least visit with people, even if it was vicariously, even if they didn't exist beyond someone's imagination. ~ Lorraine Heath

I think I have always had a little humor. ~ Marilyn Monroe

Daniel was twenty-three, a year younger than I was, and though he hadn't yet published a book of poems he seemed to have spent his time better, or more imaginatively, or maybe what could be said is that he felt a pressure to go places, meet people, and experience things that, whenever I have encountered it in someone, has always made me envious. ~ Nicole Krauss

Hell, if someome wrote a book about you, well, it'd sell a million copies the day it was released. And if someone else was clever enough to write a parody - you know, to privide som comic relief during these extremely difficult economic times - that would probably be an even bigger seller, or at least it shoud be. So, just come clean with me, Ed. Your secret's safe with me, and whoever reads my internet blog. You ... are ... a ... vampire! ~ Stephen Jenner

While I still did not know what self- actualization that sat on the top level of the pyramid meant, I could believe
that if I knew I would be able to say something positive about it as well in
my life. ~ Vann Chow

Being a writer is 1% inspiration, 50% perspiration and 49% explaining you're not a millionaire like J.K.Rowling. ~ Gabrielle Tozer

Throughout history, clothes represented who you were; they are a great vehicle for explaining who you are. During the Ching dynasty, for example, what you wore and how it was made reflected your status in society. People could literally read your clothes like a book, just by its color and how it was embroidered. ~ Iris Apfel

Th' ethereal mould Incapable of stain would soon expel Her mischief, and purge off the baser fire, Victorious. Thus repuls'd, our final hope Is flat despair. ~ John Milton

A book gets rejected because it's not ready to be published. ~ Gina B. Nahai

I like reading books that provide you with knowledge that you previously didn't have. And books you have a chance to grow as a human being after reading them. ~ Megan Fox

As she felt his fangs against her neck, she was in another world.
There was screaming. A woman was somewhere in agony. Everything was black, and the tormented scream was overwhelming, echoing through the emptiness. After the screaming subsided, there was panting, loud and steady, and it wasn't as dark anymore. There was a room visible now, in a reddish light. A pale man with black hair hovered over a woman dressed in white. She lay on a bed, looking disheveled and sweaty. Her brown-black hair clung to her wet forehead and shoulders. She was covered in blood. The man sat next to her, and held her close to him. He stroked her hair as her chest heaved desperately.
"I love you, my dearest Katerina," he said, cradling her in his strong arms. "Soon, we'll be together forever." Everything faded to black once more, and the woman stopped breathing. All was silent and still. ~ Dawn Bonney

There are records that you just sink into. They coincide with what you're going through and become an ally. If our records do that for people, that's the greatest compliment I could ever receive. That's one of the reasons making music is so important to me, because there's a very strange emotional reach. For me - more than books or movies or other things - music is like a mainline to your heart. ~ Matt Berninger

Then one last thought tugs at me, so I turn back.
"So why did you name me Tamsin?" I ask. "You always promised to tell me later. Even though, technically, it's earlier."
My grandmother's smile flickers, deepens.
"It's how you introduced yourself to me tonight. I just assumed that's what you wanted to be named. ~ Carolyn MacCullough

There are some books and characters so pleasant, or rather which contain so much that is pleasant, that criticism is perplexed or silent. The hounds are perpetually at fault among the sweet-scented herbs and flowers that grow at the base of Etna. ~ John Frederick Boyes

We're not talking about you. You're Braith of the Darkness. I'm Addolgar the Cheerful. I've earned this name, and you're ruining it by being unreasonable."
"You throw me into a tree - "
"That was for your own good."
" - have me attacked by your kin - "
"You brought that on yourself."
" - and leave me alone with Brigida the Foul, of all She-dragons - "
"She got away from us. Normally none of us would have done that. Not even to our worst enemy."
" - and I'm being unreasonable."
Addolgar nodded. "See? You do understand. ~ G.A. Aiken

Everyone stopped to blink at that for a second. I mean, come on. Impaled by a guided frozen turkey missile. Even by the standards of the quasi-immortal creatures of the night, that ain't something you see twice.
"For my next trick," I panted into the startled silence, "anvils. ~ Jim Butcher

Death, I had discovered long ago, was available in varying flavors, and none of them particularly palatable. ~ Jasper Fforde

Calling Sol stubborn was like calling an outhouse aromatic. ~ Suzie Quint

As a former English major, I am a sitting duck for Gift Books, and in the past few years I've gotten Dickens, Thackeray, Smollet, Richardson, Emerson, Keats, Boswell and the Brontes, all of them Great, none of them ever read by me, all of them now on a shelf, looking at me and making me feel guilty. ~ Garrison Keillor

I will pull your pancreas out through your nose and feed it back to you in a drip inserted into your anus is that clear? ~ Sara Wolf

Do nothing that you would not like God to see. Say nothing you would not like God to hear. Write nothing you would not like God to read. Go no place where you would not like God to find you. Read no book of which you would not like God to say, "Show it to Me."
Never spend your time in such a way that you would not like to have God say, "What are you doing? ~ J.C. Ryle

So, anyway." Jackal's impatient voice broke through our cold standoff. "Not to interrupt this riveting family drama, but are we going to go hunting anytime soon, or are you two going to glare at each other until the sun comes up? ~ Julie Kagawa

I spent six hours becoming one with a shrubbery last night. There were three cloudbursts and a rain of small and very confused frogs ~ Charles Stross

When she slept, she looked peaceful, beautiful. Not Lena's kind of beautiful, something different. She looked content - like a sunny day, a cold glass of milk, an unopened book before you cracked the binding. ~ Kami Garcia

Racial humor was about 35% of my act when I first started. But I realized that it was a crutch. What brought it home was when another comedian said to me, 'If you changed color tomorrow, you wouldn't have any material.' He meant it as a put-down, but I took it as a challenge. ~ Bill Cosby

We need to revitalize the American spirit. People are always asking 'What would the founding fathers do,' but I have yet to witness a single séance. ~ Bauvard

For under scrutiny you will find that even an open book can have a surprise scribbled in its margins. ~ Violet Haberdasher

It is an adventure called Bertie's Botheration. A haunting, gothic tale of ... " She stopped for the dowager was frantically gesturing to her heart and grinning.
"You have read it! It is my favourite book. Ah, I see you love it too. Yes ... yes, I understand you could never tell anyone that it is your favourite. Not lofty enough. I keep a few acceptable names in my head every time someone asks me what my favourite book is, but one does not really confess what book they actually really like and have read over and over ... ~ Anya Wylde

Scriptural determinism" sounds like an arcane academic paradigm, but it is deployed by nonacademics in a consequential way. After the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001, as Americans tried to fathom the forces at work, sales of several kinds of books rose. Some people bought books about Islam, some bought books about the recent history of the Middle East, and some bought translations of the Koran. And of course some bought more than one kind of book. But people who bought only translations of the Koran were showing signs of scriptural determinism. They seemed to think that you could understand the terrorists' motivation simply by reading their ancient scriptures - just search the Koran for passages advocating violence against infidels and, having succeeded, end the analysis, content that you'd found the essential cause of 9/11. ~ Robert Wright

I got rabies shots for biting the head off a bat but that's OK - the bat had to get Ozzy shots. ~ Ozzy Osbourne

It's so hard being goth. You have to have a bad time everywhere. ~ Clint Catalyst

For the judging of contemporary literature the only test is one's personal taste. If you much like a new book, you must call it literature even though you find no other soul to agree with you, and if you dislike a book you must declare that it is not literature though a million voices should shout you that you are wrong. The ultimate decision will be made by Time. ~ Ford Madox Ford

I'd rather eat nothing than eat a carrot. ~ Marian Keyes

Musicians rarely have a sense of humour, at least, about themselves. ~ Carolyn Wells

I love you like a gay geneticist loves designer genes. ~ Bo Burnham

The "Hazeldean heart" was a proverbial boast in the family; the Hazeldeans privately considered it more distinguished than the Sillerton gout, and far more refined than the Wesson liver; and it had permitted most of them to survive, in valetudinarian ease, to a ripe old age, when they died of some quite other disorder. But Charles Hazeldean had defied it, and it took its revenge, and took it savagely. ~ Edith Wharton

Vân Uoc decided that she too would get to know the book inside out. And something miraculous happened when they were about a quarter of the way through reading it. After weeks of ploughing and hesitating, something clicked; she stopped stumbling over the unknown words and long sentences. Words magically started to reveal meaning, most of the time anyway, through context. And the sentences themselves stopped being obstacles and started telling a story. Her eyes were racing ahead; she was comprehending the shape and rhythm of the language. ~ Fiona Wood