Lightbulb Joke Quotes

Get this: how many Weavers does it take to screw in a light bulb?'

Kate folded her arms, her expression aloof. Acciper pensively scratched his beard, withholding his ignorance.

'One?' ventured Vivian.

Lucian's boyish face split into a grin. His body filled up with the imminent rumble of laughter.

'Two Weavers. One holds the light bulb and the other one spins reality around it. ~ Louise Blackwick

Instead of being a well-known painter, I became everybody's favorite dirty joke. Come to think of it, teaching masturbation skills is pretty weird. ~ Betty Dodson

Telling the truth is the funniest joke in the world. ~ George Bernard Shaw

That's what he always did, tell a joke or find someone else when things began to feel like something genuine. Well, he was tired of feeling haunted - by Louis, by his father's disappointment, and his mother's illness. He'd let himself fill up with ghosts of shame until there was no room for love. No more. No more. ~ Libba Bray

No matter where they are or who they're with, dogs are incapable of being anything but themselves. Show me a dog that puts on airs or laughs politely at an unfunny joke and I'll show you a human in a dog costume, possibly one owned and licensed by the Walt Disney Company. ~ Meghan Daum

No longer an innocent newborn, Elizabeth can tease, joke, and play make-believe because a gap has opened between what she knows to be so and what she pretends or imagines. More than any other quality, this gap is what distinguishes our species, enabling us to deceive one another and ourselves, but also enabling us to see beyond the way things happen to be, to envision alternatives, to make art and science and revolution, to invent things new under the sun. ~ Scott Russell Sanders

I didn't choose to be the Angel of Death, blast it!" He practically spat the words. When she blinked, taken aback by his vehemence, he added, "That was some fool's idea of a joke"
She kept staring at him, speechless. A joke? Her brother's death was a joke to someone?
Seeing her reaction, he went on in a low, tortured voice, "After Roger's accident, I wore black to mourn him. Since Roger wasn't my family, Chetwin commented on it, saying that I dressed in black because Death was my constant companion. He pointed out that everyone I touched died
my parents, my best friend ... everyone."
He began to pace the clearing, pain etched in his features. "Chetwin was right, of course. Death was my constant companion. So it was no great surprise when other people started calling me the Angel of Death." His voice grew choked. "I fit the part, after all."
-Gabriel to Virginia ~ Sabrina Jeffries

Is this your idea of a joke?" she whispered as Mr. Jenkins stood to begin that day's lesson. I pulled out my notebook and shook my head. "No joke. My plan is to win you back one physics problem at a time." Connor laughed. "Does this make me Jacob? ~ R.S. Grey

Shadow was stretched out full length on the seat in the back. He felt like two people, or more than two. There was part of him that felt gently exhilarated: he had done something. He had moved. It wouldn't have mattered if he hadn't want to live, but he did want to live, and that make all the difference. He hoped he would live through this, but he was willing to die, if that was what it took to be alive. And, for a moment he thought that the whole thing was funny, just the funniest thing in the world; and he wondered if Laura would appreciate the joke. ~ Neil Gaiman

...where there was nature and earth, life and water, I saw a desert landscape that was unending, resembling some sort of crater, so devoid of reason and light and spirit that the mind could not grasp it on any sort of conscious level and if you came close the mind would reel backward, unable to take it in. It was a vision so clear and real and vital to me that in its purity it was almost abstract. This was what I could understand, this was how I lived my life, what I constructed my movement around, how I dealt with the tangible. This was the geography around which my reality revolved: it did not occur to me, ever, that people were good or that a man was capable of change or that the world could be a better place through one's taking pleasure in a feeling or a look or a gesture, of receiving another person's love or kindness. Nothing was affirmative, the term "generosity of spirit" applied to nothing, was a cliche, was some kind of bad joke. Sex is mathematics. Individuality no longer an issue. What does intelligence signify? Define reason. Desire - meaningless. Intellect is not a cure. Justice is dead. Fear, recrimination, innocence, sympathy, guilt, waste, failure, grief, were things, emotions, that no one really felt anymore. Reflection is useless, the world is senseless. Evil is its only permanence. God is not alive. Love cannot be trusted. Surface, surface, surface was all that anyone found meaning in... this was civilization as I saw it, colossal and jagged... ~ Bret Easton Ellis

A world like that, which exists only because the gods enjoy a joke, must be a place where magic can survive. And sex too, of course. ~ Terry Pratchett

Yes, we were amazed when that happened. It was a real joke to us. Konrad Lueg and I did a Happening, and we used the phrase just for the Happening, to have a catchy name for it; and then it immediately got taken up and brought into use. There's no defence against that - and really it's no bad thing. ~ Gerhard Richter

In France everything is a matter for jest. People make quips about the scaffold, about Napoleon's defeat on the banks of The Beresina, and about the barricades of our revolutions. So, at the assizes of the Last Judgment, there will always be a Frenchmen to crack a joke. ~ Honore De Balzac

The more stories I heard, the more I tried to talk about the problem. And yet time and time again I found myself coming up against the same response: Sexism doesn't exist anymore. Women are equal now, more or less. You career girls these days have the best of all worlds - what more do you want? Think about the women in other countries dealing with real problems, people told me - you women in the West have no idea how lucky you are. You have "gilded lives"! You're making a fuss about nothing. You're overreacting. You're uptight, or frigid. You need to learn to take a joke, get a sense of humor, light up...

You really need to learn to take a compliment. ~ Laura Bates

Have you considered the option of getting the joke? If not, try it now and redeem your soul. ~ Erik Naggum

I hear sweets help these kind of things, too…" -Jared
"What kind of things is that?" -April
"I don't know." He shrugs before adding, "Woman troubles, heartbreak, Twilight ending? Whatever bugs your mind."-Jared ~ Sheena Hutchinson

My father worked behind closed doors inside the house, had a huge ancient Latin dictionary on a wrought-iron stand, spoke Spanish on the phone, and drank sherry and ate raw meat, in the form of chorizo, at five o'clock. Until the day in the yard with my playmate I thought this was what fathers did. Then I began to catalog and notice. They mowed lawns. They drank beer. They played in the yard with their kids, walked around the block with their wives, piled into campers, and, when they went out, wore joke ties or polo shirts, not Phi Beta Kappa keys and tailored vests. ~ Alice Sebold

Am I over existing or am I over existing? That's my inside joke. ~ Ryan Trecartin

I love practical jokes and humor. That there's frankly no joke that I don't think is funny. I love practical jokes, but I don't like being scared. ~ Mitt Romney

And when a joke is powerful enough, you don't laugh, you scream. Yes, when the mask slips you scream out loud for all the terror in the world, and I screamed then. ~ Matt Haig

An old racetrack joke reminds you that your program contains all the winners' names. I stare at my typewriter keys with the same thought. ~ Mignon McLaughlin

The women's health initiative standards for HRT is nothing but an embarrassment to all physicians, and I'm not sure why they have not retracted all the statements that came out of that joke of a study. ~ Marie Hoag MBA

I met Ashley two weeks before I married him. It was a joke-the most ridiculous thing I've ever done. Once I was married, I didn't want to be a failure, so I stuck it out for six months, which was about six months too long. ~ Shannen Doherty

I think when people mean that Discworld books have become darker they really mean the series is growing up. In 'The Colour of Magic' most of the city is set alight. It's a joke, in much the same way that the Earth is destroyed almost at the start of Douglas Adams's 'The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy.' ~ Terry Pratchett

Tell people the truth, they laugh. The truth is so tragic they have to pretend it's a joke. ~ Lucille Kallen

I don't mind being the butt of the joke ... It doesn't really bother me. I quite enjoy it. ~ Ryan Seacrest

There is a painful joke that Europeans often tell of their Gallic neighbors: God created France, the most beautiful country in the world with so much good in it, and ended up feeling guilty about it. He had to do something to make it fair. And so, he created the French people. ~ Janine Di Giovanni

It was strange how the dullest party could be enjoyed because there was one person present whose eyes could be met for the fraction of a second, in wordless appreciation of a joke unshared by others: almost as strange as the insipidity of parties at which that person was not present. ~ Georgette Heyer

I said that we should be all right if we had some cigarettes. I only meant this as a joke; nevertheless half an hour later McNair appeared with two packets of Lucky Strike. He had braved the pitch-dark streets, roamed by Anarchist patrols who had twice stopped him at the pistol's point and examined his papers. I shall not forget this small act of heroism. We were very glad of the cigarettes. ~ George Orwell

Joke exchanges are carried on in deadly earnest, like a verbal duel-mouth-to-mouth combat. Bang, bang: you're (linguistically) dead. ~ David Crystal

There's a kind of time travel in letters, isn't there? I imagine you laughing at my small joke; I imagine you groaning; I imagine you throwing my words away. Do I have you still? Do I address empty air and the flies that will eat this carcass? You could leave me for five years, you could return never - and I have to write the rest of this not knowing. ~ Amal El-Mohtar

Everybody I know is a joke writer. ~ Ron White

Brilliant. Marvelous. ~ Kate Noble

I always joke that a makeup-free day is good for the pores. ~ John King

The thirteen-year-old boy's cheeks were flushed with the wine that his father, half as a joke, had forced upon him. He burrowed into the silken quilts and let his head fall back on the pillow, his breath warm and heavy. The tracery of blue veins under his close-cropped hair throbbed around his earlobes, and the skin was so extraordinarily transparent that one could almost see the fragile mechanism inside. Even in the half-light of the room, his lips were red. And the sounds of breathing that came from this boy, who looked as though he had never experienced anguish, seemed to be the mocking echo of a sad folksong. ~ Yukio Mishima

... that sour blend of loneliness and lust for recognition, shyness and extravagance, deep insecurity and self-intoxicated egomania, that drives poets and writers out of their rooms to seek each other out, to rub shoulders with one another, bully, joke, condescend, feel each other, lay a hand on a shoulder or an arm round a waist, to chat and argue with little nudges, to spy a little, sniff out what is cooking in other pots, flatter, disagree, collude, be right, take offence, apologise, make amends, avoid each other, and seek each other's company again. ~ Amos Oz

Oh God. It's no joke. Oh God oh God. How can I keep on living? ~ Margaret Atwood

Jude used to try to make me laugh, and when I'd crack a smile he'd keep the joke going , like breath on an ember, making it grow into a fit of giggles that'd echo around the whole forest and make all the birds in the trees quiet. ~ Stephanie Oakes

I joke that if she [Debbie Wasserman Schultz] could find a 3 a.m. slot in the Home Shopping Network, she would grab that. So those emails only confirm what we knew. ~ Jonathan Tasini

Mine was bright green with gold swirls. Adam's was black.
"You have no imagination," I told him smugly. "It wouldn't hurt if you found a pink ball to bowl with."
"All the pink balls have kid-sized holes in them," he told me. "The black balls are the heaviest."
I opened my mouth, but he shut me up with a kiss. "Not here," he said. "Look next to us."
We were being observed by a boy of about five and a toddler in a frilly pink dress.
I raised my nose in the air. "As if I were going to joke about your ball. How juvenile. ~ Patricia Briggs

Blizzard or no blizzard I start out. So business gets done. They think money making is a joke. No, take pains and rack your brains. ~ Leo Tolstoy