Family Humor Quotes

And for my family, comedically, that was the key to a lot of the humor. ~ Damon Wayans

The truth is, every son raised by a single mom is pretty much born married. I don't know, but until your mom dies it seems like all the other women in your life can never be more than just your mistress. ~ Chuck Palahniuk

I'd let her sell it to Dad. They tended not to contradict each other so if one of them had already said "yes" it usually meant "yes." If one of them said "no", ditto
which was why I'd asked Mom first. ~ Steven Gould

How're we getting to King's Cross tomorrow, Dad?" asked Fred as they dug into a sumptuous pudding.
"The Ministry's providing a couple of cars," said Mr. Weasley.
Everyone looked up at him.
"Why?" said Percy curiously.
"It's because of you, Perce," said George seriously. "And there'll be little flags on the hoods, with HB on them-"
"-for Humongous Bighead," said Fred. ~ J.K. Rowling

The grown-ups, or maybe I should say the parents, ate in the dining room. ~ Ann Darby

Filial respect caused Grey to hesitate in passing ex post facto opinions on his mother's judgment, but after half an hour in the company of either Paul or Edgar, he could not escape a lurking suspicion that a just Providence, seeing the DeVanes so well endowed with physical beauty, had determined that there was no reason to spoil the work by adding intelligence to the mix. ~ Diana Gabaldon

How could I have missed the opportunity to pop pills with my sister who was purer than a Quaker? ~ Chelsea Handler

Mom has a massive sunflower for a soul so big there's hardly any room in her for organs. Jude and me have one soul between us that we have to share: a tree with its leaves on fire. And Dad has a plate of maggots for his. ~ Jandy Nelson

Don't go," said Cedric. "Murder has made you practically one of the family. ~ Agatha Christie

One of the things that binds us as a family is a shared sense of humor. ~ Ralph Fiennes

- Do you know I love you ?
- I'm sure I don't care whether you do or not ! ~ Henry James

Gran follows recipes by looking at picture - to the eye, delicious; to the tongue, boiled socks. Makes you wanna cry really. ~ Simon Cheshire

She snores," Morfyd warned.
"I do no such thing!" Annwyl yelled back.
"Like a bull in rutting season."
"When we get back to Garbhán Isle…don't speak to me."
"Trust me, Annwyl, that will be a pleasure. ~ G.A. Aiken

Nona was as wacky as they came. ~ Holly Hood

Yes, she was a scandal.
Her brother simply didn't know it.
"I fell in the Serpentine today."
"Yes, well, that doesn't usually happen to women in London. But it's not so much of a scandal as it is a challenge. ~ Sarah MacLean

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport. ~ Henny Youngman

Accept the fact that girls squeal when they're happy or confused or excited or scared or because they just saw a certain boy in line. ~ Harry H. Harrison Jr.

Wherever the family was, these two dogs, both six-year-old shepherd mixes, took up their posts at the central coming-and-going point. Gil called them concierge dogs. And it's true, they were inquisitive and accommodating. But they were not fawning or overly playful. They were watchful and thoughtful. Irene thought they had gravitas. Weighty demeanors. She thought of them as diplomats. She had noticed that when Gil was about to lose his temper one of the dogs always appeared and did something to divert his attention. Sometimes they acted like fools, but it was brilliant acting. Once, when he was furious about a bill for the late fees for a lost video, one of the dogs had walked right up to Gil and lifted his leg over his shoe. Gil was shouting at Florian when the piss splattered down, and she'd felt a sudden jolt of pride in the dog. ~ Louise Erdrich

I love you too, I wanted to say with as much hurtful sarcasm as I could muster, but she hadn't seen me, and I kept quiet. I did love her, of course, but mostly just because loving your mother is mandatory, not because she's someone I think I'd like very much if I met her walking down the street. Which she wouldn't be anyway; walking is for poor people ~ Ransom Riggs

He crouched at the care window and looked in. "What a lovely family you have. What a charming family. They're all lovely. Except for that one." His finger jabbed the glass. "That one's a bit ugly."
The American stepped towards him. "What? What did you say?"
"Oh, don't worry. I'm sure his personality makes up for his face. ~ Derek Landy

My dad was nothing but a bingo call. ~ Ripley Patton

Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family. ~ Chelsea Handler

To begin with, I dined there on Monday, and once a week is quite enough to dine with one's own relations. ~ Oscar Wilde

And like most big families, they were loud and secretly thought they were funnier and a little more special than everyone else. ~ Jennifer Close

My son is 21. He'll be 22 if I let him. ~ Henny Youngman

Her youngest daughter shrugged. "Ain't got no money, do we?" "I don't understand. Why aren't you pillaging like the rest of your kin?" "It was the Northlands, Da. Ain't nothin' to pillage but the crows in the trees." "And snow," their eldest added. "Lots and lots of snow." Bram motioned to his study. "You know where I keep the gold coin." As if on fire, their offspring made a desperate run for their father's study, climbing over the table and fighting each other through the door. It wasn't pretty. ~ G.A. Aiken

Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain. ~ Martin Mull

He glanced about him to make sure we weren't overheard, leaned forward, and whispered, 'He collects stamps.'
The family looked bewildered.
'You mean he's a philatelist?' said Larry at length.
'No, no, Master Larrys,' said Spiro. 'He's not one of them. He's a married man and he's gots two childrens. ~ Gerald Durrell

If you don't understand how a woman could both love her sister dearly and want to wring her neck at the same time, then you were probably an only child. ~ Linda Sunshine

I don't think that I could have survived in my family without a naughty sense of humor; yeah, absolutely. I think my brother and I both get our senses of humor from our parents. I mean, my mother was absolutely hilarious and foul. She had the most ridiculously off color sense of humor, so that was sort of what we grew up with. ~ Rachael MacFarlane

Interesting how fashion is cyclical," Jaccob said when she came out of the store with two black plastic bags. "Goth was the look when I was young, too."
"It's not a look," Chuck said. "I'm just wearing my feelings on the outside."
"Uh huh." His phone buzzed. "Hang on a second."
He rolled up his sleeve to check his HUD, but the call hadn't come through there.
Huh. He had to pick up his phone and check the read-out, which listed a phone number: an old school page. "That's funny ... "
"Dad, you're doing that thing again," Chuck said.
"What thing?" Jaccob asked.
"That thing where you have to check every single doohickey you carry around."
"I am not." Jaccob took his hand out of his coat pocket, where he'd been reaching to check his police scanner or music player (he hadn't decided which to use first). ~ Erik Scott De Bie

I think part of being a parent is trying to kill your kids. ~ Stephen King

Sometimes, Chelsea, I wonder, how you get by from day to day. It's a good thing you're so voluptuous. ~ Chelsea Handler

Maybe the bar is low, but most of the strips that are 50, 60, 70 years old that are on their second or third generation of artists, the humor is pretty bland. There are others by people that were raised on 'Family Guy' or 'South Park' that are edgier. Mine's not as edgy as those, but it's edgier than 'Beetle Bailey.' ~ Stephan Pastis

Izzy. Sweet, beautiful, but eternally strange Izzy. ~ G.A. Aiken

The ill-informed masses included her own family among their ranks, a family that specialized in being both inconvenient and asinine. ~ Gail Carriger

So, I'm thinking of a name for a villain that has a sense of humor. I thought of 'The Joker' as a name, and as soon as I thought that, I associate it with the playing card, as my family had a tradition of champion playing; my brother was a contract champion bridge player. There were always cards around the house. ~ Jerry Robinson

Nothing makes sense, not that much of the world ever did."
Quote from the book: "UnHoly Pursuit: The Devil on My Trail. ~ A. White

Trolls have a longstanding animosity for goats
"Who's that trip-tapping across my bridge!?"
and this led me to think that perhaps trolls are related to goats, since it seems a lot more plausible to me that your relatives would make you insane than some random hooved mammal, however ecologically destructive it might be. What if trolls evolved from goats? Or, no, better yet, what if goats evolved from trolls? Or were domesticated from trolls by human shepherds? And the trolls despise their domesticated cousins as a disgrace to the once-proud troll race, (much as I assume wolves would despise Chihuahuas if they ever gave them much thought) and eat them at every opportunity. ~ Ursula Vernon

Family. Couldn't live with them, couldn't run a stake through them. ~ Chloe Neill

My dad's sense of humor was direct and sometimes surreal - his quick wit is well known amongst our family and friends. He raised me on Spike Jones records and W.C. Fields movies, and his sense of humor fell somewhere in between. ~ Tony Visconti

The best way to learn Japanese is to be born as a Japanese baby, in Japan, raised by a Japanese family. ~ Dave Barry

When your mother asks, "Do you want a piece of advice?" it's a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway. ~ Erma Bombeck

I'm a 21st-century kid trapped in a 19th-century family. ~ Bill Watterson

It was deflating to realize how much my own family's quality of life might improve if I replaced myself with a Fundamentalist stay-at-home daughter. ~ Quinn Cummings

I know all those words, but that sentence makes no sense to me. ~ Matt Groening

I do not believe in God. Instead I believe in the power of Family. And occasionally, when I'm feeling optimistic, in free will. But blood is a force to be reckoned with. God for example, can't give you an excellent head of hair. Your family can. They can also give you cancer. And heart disease. Nothing kills like Family. ~ Juliann Garey

Her family had of late been exceedingly fluctuating. For many years of her life she had had two sons; but the crime and annihilation of Edward a few weeks ago, had robbed her of one; the similar annihilation of Robert had left her for a fortnight without any; and now, by the resurrection of Edward, she had one again. ~ Jane Austen

I love dark humor that crosses the line and makes you say, 'That's so wrong!' And that's 'Family Guy' to me. ~ Elena Satine

Why keep in touch with them? That's what I want to know,' asked Larry despairingly. 'What satisfaction does it give you? They're all either fossilized or mental.'
'Indeed, they're not mental,' said Mother indignantly.
'Nonsense, Mother ... Look at Aunt Bertha, keeping flocks of imaginary cats ... and there's Great-Uncle Patrick, who wanders about nude and tells complete strangers how he killed whales with a penknife ... They're all bats. ~ Gerald Durrell

But having people meet my family was a secret fear. It would be like taking someone to a dark room to show them my anal fissures, and you can't just go introducing everybody to your anal fissures. Only special people get to see such as that. ~ Harrison Scott Key

Is there something wrong with you? Mentally?
Darlin', you met my family. You've gotta be more specific than that.
(Jess to Smitty) ~ Shelly Laurenston

Well, I've always wanted to call my son Barr."
"Like a tavern? Like a soap?"
"My father's name is Barr."
"Oh. And I love it! ~ Brian K. Vaughan

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree ... unless that tree's growing on top of a hill. ~ John DePrey

Being a detective isn't all about torture and murder and monsters. Sometimes it gets truly unpleasant ... The fate of the world may depend on whether or not you can bring yourself to visit your relatives. ~ Derek Landy

Fred, you next," the plump woman said.
"I'm not Fred, I'm George," said the boy. "Honestly, woman, you call yourself our mother? Can't you tell I'm George?"
"Sorry, George, dear."
"Only joking, I am Fred," said the boy and off he went. ~ J.K. Rowling

When God Created Mothers"

When the Good Lord was creating mothers, He was into His sixth day of "overtime" when the angel appeared and said. "You're doing a lot of fiddling around on this one."

And God said, "Have you read the specs on this order?" She has to be completely washable, but not plastic. Have 180 moveable parts...all replaceable. Run on black coffee and leftovers. Have a lap that disappears when she stands up. A kiss that can cure anything from a broken leg to a disappointed love affair. And six pairs of hands."

The angel shook her head slowly and said. "Six pairs of hands.... no way."

It's not the hands that are causing me problems," God remarked, "it's the three pairs of eyes that mothers have to have."

That's on the standard model?" asked the angel. God nodded.

One pair that sees through closed doors when she asks, 'What are you kids doing in there?' when she already knows. Another here in the back of her head that sees what she shouldn't but what she has to know, and of course the ones here in front that can look at a child when he goofs up and say. 'I understand and I love you' without so much as uttering a word."

God," said the angel touching his sleeve gently, "Get some rest tomorrow...."

I can't," said God, "I'm so close to creating something so close to myself. Already I have one who heals herself when she is sick...can feed a family of six on one pound of hamb ~ Erma Bombeck

Paula shook her head and rolled her eyes. "I already explained that to you. One half plus one half equals one. That's a whole. Together we are his whole sister."
"That's right." Patrice said. " I forgot. ~ Roland Smith

We should all just face reality and stop taking our meals together. ~ Jonathan Tropper

We are, in the comics, the last frontier of good, wholesome family humor and entertainment. ~ Bil Keane

I do find the sibling connection endlessly fascinating, as I do all family dynamics. I like how siblings seem to create their own parentless mini-civilization within a family, one that has its own laws, myths, language, humor, its own loyalties and treacheries. ~ Jandy Nelson

Fathers should be neither seen nor heard. That is the only proper basis for family life. ~ Oscar Wilde

I used to watch 'The Waltons' and sob because my family was nothing like that. We had a cruel sense of humor in my family. ~ Paula Poundstone

Good," Brigida said with a nod. "Now, you'll need one of Arranz's kin to accompany you. Take that one with you." She motioned to Addolgar. "And the one with the thick neck over there."
Ghleanna's hand went to her throat. "Me neck isn't thick."
"Thick like a tree trunk," Brigida muttered.
"It's graceful. This neck is long and graceful." Powerful legs landed on the table and Ghleanna crossed her arms over her chest. "Graceful," she growled, appearing to fight an instinct to yell.
Addolgar shrugged at Braith. "Me sister's graceful."
"Yes," Braith replied, her eyes briefly crossing. "I can see that. ~ G.A. Aiken

Dad taught me everything I know. Unfortunately, he didn't teach me everything he knows. ~ Al Unser

They seem nice, though, your sisters, really,' Porcelain remarked.
'Ha!' I said. 'Shows what little you know! I hate them!'
'Hate them? I should have thought you'd love them.'
'Of course I love them,' I said ... 'That's why I'm so good at hating them. ~ Alan Bradley

Bett didn't have any siblings because she said her father had preserved what was dead for too long to be able to create life. When Bet was younger and had begged for one, her father gave her a marmot he' stuffed for a man from Wyoming.
"This is your brother Christopher," he'd said, placing the marmot on Bett's pillow one night. "He doesn't talk much, so you'll have to pick up the slack there. ~ Rebecca Rasmussen

Seeing your mother naked is not something you easily recover from. Seeing your mother naked and jumping from one side of a king-sized bed to the other with a nurse's hat on while your father, who is also naked, is chasing her with a bandanna around his neck, is reason to put yourself up for adoption. ~ Chelsea Handler

I might be 30 years old, but a girl never outgrows the need for her mother. ~ Debbie Macomber

My family has been amazing, and they understand how blessed I am. They've been able to keep my sense of humor. ~ Karen Duffy

Do close your mouth. You look like a cow that's being artificially inseminated. ~ Nick Wilgus

My mother agreed to aid my abuse of alcohol but only if I promised never to tell my newly converted Mormon sister, whose identity I had stolen. ~ Chelsea Handler

When an American family becomes separated from its toothbrushes and combs and pajamas for a few hours it considers that it has had quite an adventure. ~ E.B. White

Seconds later, the female security officer grabbed a pair of my father's shorts from the top of the duffel bag, and emptied out the contents of his pockets. A lighter, three nail files, a pocket wrench, a pair of pliers, a screwdriver, and a nectarine fell onto the folding table. I looked at the woman, looked at my father, and then looked around to see if anyone else was watching.
"What's the problem?" my father asked the woman.
"Sir, I'm going to have to take this lighter away from you," she said.
"The lighter?" I asked her. "What about the bomb kit he's carrying around? He could do a lot more damage to a person with that wrench."
"I need the wrench!" he shrieked.
"For what?"
"What if something goes wrong with the plane? ~ Chelsea Handler

Toys have taken over my family room. I watch Mary Poppins, and no matter how many spoonfuls of sugar I eat, action figures won't march into a bin with the snap of my fingers. ~ Barbara Brooke

Even in a dream, even at a posh ball, the Nac Mac Feegle knew how to behave. You charged in madly, and you screamed ... politely.
"Lovely weather for the time o' year, is it not, ye wee scunner!"
"Hey, jimmy, ha' ye no got a pommes frites for an ol'pal?"
"The band is playin' divinely, I dinna think!"
"Make my caviar deep-fried, wilya? ~ Terry Pratchett

She was hearing the words. They just weren't registering on her Richter scale of sanity. ~ Dakota Cassidy

He dropped the joint in the dirt and ran inside. It wasn't his first, and wouldn't be his last. The joint, that is. Not the kid. He was pretty sure, at this point, that he would never have sexual relations with his wife again. ~ Allie Burke

Ellen rose to her feet. Jack thought for a moment she was going to storm out. Instead, she picked up the pitcher of hot fudge and poured the contents onto Leesha Middleton's pink jeans and fuzzy white sweater.
"Oops." Ellen sat down again and went back to eating her ice cream.
Leesha screamed, a sound that could be heard in Canada. Every eye in Corcoran's was on her. She slid out of the booth and swiped ineffectually at her jeans with a napkin.Then she plucked at her ruined sweater with her thumb and forefinger. "You...you...I can't believe you did that!"
Ellen licked whipped cream from the back of her spoon and looked at Leesha calmly.
Leesha was tiny, but she seemed to expand, like an amphibian taking on air, then she drew herself up and retrieved her pink leather purse from the bench next to Jack. It was smeared with fudge too. "You'll pay for that, I promise you," she said to Ellen in a voice that raised the gooseflesh on Jack's neck. Then she turned and left.
For a moment, Corcoran's was totally silent.
Ellen looked across the table at Jack's sundae. "Are you going to finish that? ~ Cinda Williams Chima

Men are all the same, they think that because they came out of the belly of a woman they know all there is to know about women. ~ Jose Saramago

I was tempted to tell her it was because we were British and actually had a sense of humour, but I try not to be cruel to foreigners, especially when they're that strung out. ~ Ben Aaronovitch

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules? ~ Steven Wright

With that, I hurled the slipper at him, not caring if I caused his decapitation. (I did not.) Marshaling what little dignity I yet possessed, I stomped down the corridor - challenging indeed with one shoe - and around the corner. I lay awake for hours. The prince had no right, not one, to indict me so, and if I had held the slightest hope of the book's assistance, I would have climbed at once to my wizard room for a spell with which to punish him. Death, perhaps, or humiliation. A croaking frog would be nice, particularly a frog that retained Florian's dark eyes. I should keep it in a box and poke it occasionally with a stick; that would be satisfying indeed. ~ Catherine Gilbert Murdock

The thought of friends or family enjoying themselves in my absence gives me the heebie-jeebies. ~ Connor Franta

I'll just say right here that whoever thought up the idea of paying dead white authors by the word should have a special place in hell with the rest of the sadists. ~ Heather W. Petty

I get lost inside my own mind. At times, my mind is like a maze, and most of the time, I am afraid of my own thoughts. ~ Charlena E. Jackson

I began my career performing in plays and musicals in New York, but by the mid-'80s, opportunities in Hollywood beckoned and I made the move to Los Angeles. It was a good decision. Work took off, but most important, I met my family out there - my husband, Bill, and the children we would adopt: Elijah, Mae-Mae, and Aron. ~ Christine Ebersole

Sleepwalking is the perfect exorcise for lazy people ~ Benny Bellamacina

A family can be the bane of one's existence. A family can also be most of the meaning of one's existence. I don't know whether my family is bane or meaning, but they have surely gone away and left a large hole in my heart. ~ Keri Hulme

Truth is the most valuable thing we have. Let us economize it. ~ Mark Twain

I'm glad you're here, Lila," he said. "I hope you feel that way, too."
Devon stared at me, a mix of emotions swirling through his eyes. I saw everything I had that first day at the Razzle Dazzle - the guilt, grief, sorrow, and all the other burdens he carried in his heart.
And then there was that hot spark, a little darker and dimmer than before, but still burning all the same.
"Me too," I said.
Devon smiled, and that spark brightened just for a moment, and I felt an answering bit of warmth stir in my own heart. I nodded at him, and we both went back to our food, things a little less tense between us. A few seconds later, we were laughing, along with Oscar, as Mo and Felix talked over each other nonstop.
Somewhere between those laughs and all the others that morning, I realized something.
My home. My friends. My Family.
Sometimes, good things come in threes. ~ Jennifer Estep

Let us be absolutely truthful for once in our life. We human beings are basically assholes. As time goes by, some of us become a little better - a rascal. But most of us live and die as we were, and are. Plain-simply, assholes. ~ Fakeer Ishavardas

What exactly does that expression even mean? An ass that won't quit? Think about the primary function of an ass - I'd think that's the sort of thing you might want to quit. ~ Nicki Elson

Ellysetta was sitting at the secretary in Rain's suite, penning a note to her parents, when Bel burst through the doors. The other members of the quintet followed so swiftly that all five warriors nearly ended up in a heap on the floor. They were breathless and flushed, perspiration trickling down the sides of their faces.
Kieran bent over, hands on his knees, and dragged air into his lungs. "Well done,brothers. We beat the smug chervil."
"You all look like you could use a drink." Cool and unwinded, Gaelen smiled at the new arrivals from the sofa near the window. "Water? Or perhaps something a little stronger to help you regain your strength? ~ C.L. Wilson

People think I'm so confident. Close family members can see through that. ~ Katie Price

Because we were twins, we clung to each other. Because we were sisters, we depended on each other. Because we were family, we did not let go. ~ Eva Mozes Kor

Your daughter is delightful!" Sejanus was saying to Aelia. I gripped the edge of the bench and bit my tongue as he spoke. "She is a living testament to the good looks that seem to follow the gens Aelia."
Aelia smiled. "Cousin, you flatter me."
Sejanus had set the tone for the evening with the clear slight against the Gavia clan. "It's only a shame I share the name through adoption- not blood- or who knows how much more attractive I might have been!" Nearby guests laughed at the joke but to me it seemed the true intent was to point out that Apicius had, at least at one time, found him attractive. Sejanus looked directly at Apicius directly as he spoke, a smile on his face.
Apicius gave away nothing. He waved a boy over with a tray. "Have you tried the fried hare livers, Sejanus?"
Apicata jumped up and down and smiled at her father. "May I? May I?"
Her father smiled. Apicata could always melt his heart. "Only one and don't share with Perseus!"
The serving boy lowered the tray so she could reach for the liver but not so low that the jumping puppy could steal treats for himself. She snatched a morsel and popped it into her mouth. I knew what she tasted, a sublime mixture of textures, the crispy breaded exterior and the smooth, sumptuous richness of the liver itself. The combination is unexpected. When I first introduced the recipe, it immediately became a family favorite.
Apicata turned to Sejanus. She did not appear to recognize him from the ma ~ Crystal King

We leave Scarlet Witch without a home, without a family, and she ends up creating a surrogate family within the Avengers and making a decision to be a part of the team. I think a lot of that has to do with what Jeremy's character - like his attitude towards her and the speech he gives her at the end of the film. So we pick up with her having started a new life, but still trying to figure out what her abilities are and if using them causes greater good or greater damage. ~ Elizabeth Olsen

Embrace your craziness ~ Jennifer Coissiere

We're not in this life just to work, we're in it to live. ~ Cecelia Ahern