Nick Wilgus Quotes

And it's also not your business, Mr. Rakestraw said easily.

Kids are always hanging on your tits," I added. "By the time they grow up, you've got tits down to your knees and curvature of the spine.

Is a decent bowel movement too much to ask for?

You know what they say. Family. Can't live with them. Can't kill them, if only because it dulls the ax blade.

My friend Bo had just finished skinny-dipping when one of those bastards came trotting out of the woods and bit his dick clean off." "Just bit it off? Just like that?" "Yeah," I said. "Then that bastard pig put it on a stick and heated it over the campfire while Bo ran home and tried to explain it to his mama.

Oh, sorry, I'm thinking about Cousin Mary. Talk about a dog. That girl was so ugly we had to put a bag over her head when we went to town so we wouldn't get arrested for public indecency.

What do you do for fun in this town?
Well, you know. Wash dishes. Wipe up baby drool, put a new quart of oil in him once in a while. Watch the Weather Channel to see if any of the neighbors have been blown away by a tornado. Eat too much cheese and get cheese farts.
Keeps you busy, huh?

Every time a woman has a period, it's a spontaneous abortion because the egg didn't take," I said, undeterred. "Are we going to start having a funeral for every used tampon?

The Lord gave you a backbone because He wanted you to use it. So use it.

She thought the best way to feed her child was to use a slingshot. - Wiley Cantrell

We don't hide crazy," I said. "We put it on the porch and let it entertain the neighbors.

Do you love me a lot? he asked.
I nodded.
As big as a house? he asked.
Bigger.
The grocery store?
Bigger.
The mall?
Bigger.
The sky?
Bigger.
Bigger than anything.
There isn't anything in this world bigger, I assured him.

I'll wipe that smile off your face," he vowed.
"And how do you plan to do that?"
"Put the kid to bed and I'll show you.

By the way," he said. "You know that little black thing that you carry around? It rings and beeps and stuff?" "My phone?" "Try using it.

It was a love story about a father and a son. The rest was window dressing. As a love story between a parent and a child, it was universal. Didn't matter that I was gay, that he was deaf, that we didn't fit in, that we were each outcasts in our own way

Hail Mary, full of grace," Papaw
said, "please tell Billy to shut his
face."
"I intend to speak my mind," Bill
said.
"Oh, Christians," Papaw said
with a heavy sigh. "Always got to
speak their fucking minds like we
haven't heard it all a million times
already. They think the sun rises just to
hear them crow. What a bunch of
Christless bastards.

You're not so bad-looking yourself. A bit too clean, like a metrosexual fella. Probably got a bunch of antiaging cream in your bathroom or something, but you in Dixie now, boy. You walk around looking pretty and these Southern girls will scratch your eyes out because they're afraid you'll tempt their husbands into committing horrible, unnatural sins." "I should hope so." "It's the least you could

But I don't just want you to get into my pants," he said. " I want you to get into my life.

Just imagine what it was like growing up here," he replied. "Every time I farted, the maid sprayed air freshener.

Please, sweetie darling honey baby, you hunk of a man, you?" "When you put it that way ... .

Insanity doesn't run in our family," I said. "It strolls along, takes its time and gets to know you personally.

I knew you'd say yes. You're so easy." "You've obviously never tried to get into my pants.

Can you do me a favor?" he asked. "What's that?" "Shut up and kiss me like you mean it." So I did.

God, fate, the universe, luck - we had been thrown together in this thing we call life for reasons we might never be able to fathom.

Do close your mouth. You look like a cow that's being artificially inseminated.

Sex is a good antidepressant."
"Oh, please."
"When was the last time you were getting a blow job and you said, 'Oh, you'll have to stop, I'm depressed'?"
"I see your point.

I want to stand up and say so. He let his eyes wander over us.

Well, it's like they say," Mrs. Ledbetter offered, "if Plan A doesn't work, the alphabet has twenty-five other letters to choose from.

PAUL RAKESTRAW, I SAID GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!

I WOKE the next morning with a silly smile on my face. Like Donna Fargo, I was the "Happiest Girl in the Whole U.S.A." even though I was still "Sleeping Single in a Double Bed.

So you're lying to me again?" "It's a Southern tradition." "Are there any crocs in the water?" "I done told you there ain't no crocodiles around here." "What's the difference?" "Mostly the spelling, ...

Paulie's got so much Jesus, he's going to need an enema to get it all out of him,