Cami Funny Humor Quotes

Boys! Are they always this impossible? Do they always say cryptic, indecipherable things? (Note
to self: work with Liz to adapt her boy-to-English translator into a more mobile form - like maybe a
watch or necklace.) ~ Ally Carter

I'm sorry I missed the meeting and hurt your little feely-weels okay? ~ Nenia Campbell

The Fitzphie pizzazz, Sophie repeated, There's no such thing.
Not what that attitude, there isn't! Keefe told her. ~ Shannon Messenger

Hello? ... No I'm sorry no Shaquita here. Well what number did you dial?.. No it's a nine not a seven ... Well try it if it doest work call me back we'll figure this thing out. ~ Katt Williams

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy. ~ Steve Martin

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready. ~ Henny Youngman

Daddy pays for the water, daddy pays for the gas, daddy pays for the electricity, and if daddy didn't pay for the electricity, he'd pay for the candle on your nightstand, so you can study for the big test tomorrow. ~ Chris Rock

A man goes into Boots and says: "Have you got any Viagra?" "Do you have a prescription?" asks the chemist. "No," he replies, "But 'I've got a photograph of the wife." ~ Frank Carson

I think you're crazy good at this survival stuff, Cary."
His shoulders sag. He gives me a small, relieved smile and we start walking again, his step a little lighter than it was before. It feels strange to have that kind of power over someone.
"I mean, you're crazy good at it for a stoner who couldn't seem to get his shit together academically at all," I add. ~ Courtney Summers

Threat Level Fuchsia. Fuchsia! ~ Charlie Cochet

Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons? ~ Steven Wright

Ever play 'mirror mirror on the wall' with two mirrors facing each other? ~ Josh Stern

You mean you don't want to come in and hold my hand while I piss? ~ Nenia Campbell

Every man has to settle down eventually. You know why you gotta settle
down eventually? Because you don't want to be the old guy in the club.
You know what I'm talking about. Every club you go into, there's always
some old guy. He ain't really old, just a little too old to be in the
club. ~ Chris Rock

When I fart my ass makes a trumpet sound that heralds the arrival of the smell. ~ Adam Carolla

I never know what to get my father for his birthday. I gave him a hundred dollars and said, 'Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.' So he went out and bought a present for my mother. ~ Rita Rudner

Oh, ta ra," Clarissa said lightly. "In retrospect I suppose it is all rather funny - though I doubt that Lydia would agree."
Adrian's humor ended there, and he arched one eyebrow in displeasure, though she could not see it. "Forgive me for saying so, my lady, but your stepmother sounds to be a rather nasty old cow."
"Oh!" Clarissa said, dismayed. "Oh, you must not say that. Ever."
"Why not?" he asked with careless amusement. "I am not afraid of her."
"No, but…She would be furious. And she would not like you were she to hear you say such things about her."
"I could not care less if she likes me or not - ," Adrian began, but Clarissa cut him off.
"Oh, but you must care. If she does not like you, then she will not allow me to dance with you anymore, and…and…I do quite like it," she finished with some embarrassment.
The look of scorn on Adrian's face melted away at her confession, and his annoyance softened slightly. "Well, then, I shall have to be sure to treat her with the utmost respect." He watched her pink, embarrassed face for a moment, then added, "Because I quite like dancing with you, too."
Clarissa turned to him and beamed brightly.

-Clarissa & Adrian ~ Lynsay Sands

Let me be clear: I don't want to make love to a mannequin - I want to make love like a mannequin. Oh, if only I were that animated in bed. ~ Dark Jar Tin Zoo

Care to explain?" Ari asked.
"Didn't you see my signals?"
"Yeah. But they didn't make sense. Five into one and it's an intrusion."
"It's an illusion! Five of them are an illusion."
"That's not the signal for illusion. This is." Ari demonstrated the proper signal.
"That's what I did."
"No, you didn't. You did a weird twisty thing with your pinky."
"I had a scimitar at my throat. I'd like to see you try signaling under those conditions."
-Janco and Ari bickering ~ Maria V. Snyder

He has been mad for you these many months, ever since you prodded him in the nether regions with a hedgehog. ~ Gail Carriger

Alice opened the door when I rang. She had on green pyjamas and held a hairbrush in one hand. She looked wearily at Quinn and spoke wearily: "Bring it in."
I took it in and spread it on a bed. It mumbled something I could not make out and moved one hand feebly back and forth, but its eyes stayed shut. ~ Dashiell Hammett

"Yeah, well, if you eat red meat, it stays in your colon for fifteen years!" Good! I paid for it; I want it in my ass, okay? I want them to find a meat sweater from my esophagus to my asshole when they open me up in the end! "This guy's covered in meat! He's Meat-Man! He's Meat-Tracheotomy-Man!" ~ Denis Leary

Good plan," Freddy was saying. "Let's get some decent sleep. Tomorrow we can shake our gravy asses into town and do some sluething. ~ Ali Sparkes

I wish my nose would blow me for once. ~ Brian Celio

He's one fry short of a Happy Meal. ~ Rush Limbaugh

Your eyes shine," he said. "How do they do that?"
"Blood," she said. ~ Aimee Bender

Nobody is excused from the excellence trend. Babies are not excused. Starting right after they get out of the womb, modern babies are exposed to instructional flashcards designed to make them the best babies they can possibly be, so they can get into today's competitive preschools. Your eighties baby sees so many flashcards that he never gets an unobstructed view of his parents' faces. As an adult, he'll carry around a little wallet card that says "7x9=63," because it will remind him of mother. ~ Dave Barry

His heart beat so rapidly it might burst; he kept telling himself everything was fine so long as he remained a giraffe. ~ Andrew Sturm

(Imitating a Belarus citizen commenting on their national flag) Stupid National Anthem ... Look at this flag; Two bears fighting over a pineapple. What kind of message does that send to the world? Come to Belarus, where wild animals will steal your fruit ~ Bill Bailey

Old Zen was very funny; there was a great deal of humor and happiness. Zen today seems much drier. While there's a certain amount of humor, it seems to lack that total intensity because humor is one of the primary tools for liberation. ~ Frederick Lenz

Her descriptions will be incandescent, perfect little nuggets of phraseology, and there will probably be lots of sex in her writing - the clinical type of sex with labias and clitorises and tongues going everywhere. ~ Susan Breen

Beware of finding what you're looking for.
[A favorite aphorism he often used.] ~ Richard Hamming

I read and learned and fretted more about Canada after I left than I ever did while I was home. I absorbed anything I could on topics that ranged from Folklore to history to political mainifestos ... I ranted and raved and seethed about things beyond my control. In short I acted like a Canadian. ~ Will Ferguson

I love the world, just, you know ... not the people in it. ~ Hannah Vandegrift

Oh baby", Madoc groaned to the girl next to him. "Snickers ain't the only thing king sized. ~ Penelope Douglas

Whatever happened to preparations A through G? ~ Steven Wright